Spirit in Black

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Please be advised that this written work is theory. It's theorizing, pondering and amateur research. For legal reasons I state that I have no actual belief in these theories as fact, if I did I would have sought legal recourse. Until that occurs this blog can only be considered theory. If it does then any and all actions PAST AND FUTURE that have been taken against me during the years producing this work will be labeled war crimes under international law and any other legal protections that apply.
I am a writer, an activist and artist. I claim my RIGHT TO EXIST legally under US Constitution and international law.

This is an educational blog for awareness as well as sometimes a telling of candid personal experiences to demonstrate theories as they might be experienced by a person who theoretically is existing under such conditions. Thus the 'candid' expression, poetic license and marketing myself as product or character. This is NOT a journal or diary.
Being a reasonable person of sound mind if I had concerns for my safety or others I would take responsible action for self care as my established medical history can demonstrate.
Any actions taken against me by others questioning my sanity or competence based on my produced work will be construed as activist/dissident intimidation and whistle blower retaliation and proper legal action will be taken against you by my family and support system.

Be warned that no further interference with my production of meaningful work as an artist and activist will be tolerated.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Exile/ Ostracism

This just happened to be on the computer in the back on the library where I was sitting looking at a photobook before going online. I assume this is just coincidence but if not its my usual computer when I am I cant say it IS coincidence.

I found both helpful...

when I found it on the screen it was at the bottom..showing people of note in history that had been in exile.

I am sure this is something that makes it all better and explains it all away...NOT.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Mother on Daughter abuse #1

" Inside the CIA's notorious "black sites"A Yemeni man never charged by the U.S. details 19 months of brutality and psychological torture -- the first in-depth, first-person account from inside the secret U.S. prisons. A Salon exclusive.
By Mark Benjamin
Dec. 14, 2007 The CIA held Mohamed Farag Ahmad Bashmilah in several different cells when he was incarcerated in its network of secret prisons known as "black sites." But the small cells were all pretty similar, maybe 7 feet wide and 10 feet long. He was sometimes naked, and sometimes handcuffed for weeks at a time. In one cell his ankle was chained to a bolt in the floor. There was a small toilet. In another cell there was just a bucket. Video cameras recorded his every move. The lights always stayed on -- there was no day or night. A speaker blasted him with continuous white noise, or rap music, 24 hours a day.
The guards wore black masks and black clothes. They would not utter a word as they extracted Bashmilah from his cell for interrogation -- one of his few interactions with other human beings during his entire 19 months of imprisonment. Nobody told him where he was, or if he would ever be freed.
It was enough to drive anyone crazy. Bashmilah finally tried to slash his wrists with a small piece of metal, smearing the words "I am innocent" in blood on the walls of his cell. But the
CIA patched him up.
So Bashmilah stopped eating. But after his weight dropped to 90 pounds, he was dragged into an interrogation room, where they rammed a tube down his nose and into his stomach. Liquid was pumped in. The CIA would not let him die.
On several occasions, when Bashmilah's state of mind deteriorated dangerously, the CIA also did something else: They placed him in the care of mental health professionals. Bashmilah believes these were trained psychologists or psychiatrists. "What they were trying to do was to give me a sort of uplifting and to assure me," Bashmilah said in a telephone interview, through an interpreter, speaking from his home country of Yemen. "One of the things they told me to do was to allow myself to cry, and to breathe."
Last June, Salon reported on the
CIA's use of psychologists to aid with the interrogation of terrorist suspects. But the role of mental health professionals working at CIA black sites is a previously unknown twist in the chilling, Kafkaesque story of the agency's secret overseas prisons.
Little about the conditions of Bashmilah's incarceration has been made public until now. His detailed descriptions in an interview with Salon, and in newly filed court documents, provide the first in-depth, first-person account of captivity inside a CIA black site. Human rights advocates and lawyers have painstakingly pieced together his case, using Bashmilah's
descriptions of his cells and his captors, and documents from the governments of Jordan and Yemen and the United Nations Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights to verify his testimony. Flight records detailing the movement of CIA aircraft also confirm Bashmilah's account, tracing his path from the Middle East to Afghanistan and back again while in U.S. custody.
Bashmilah's story also appears to show in clear terms that he was an innocent man. After 19 months of imprisonment and torment at the hands of the CIA, the agency released him with no explanation, just as he had been imprisoned in the first place. He faced no
terrorism charges. He was given no lawyer. He saw no judge. He was simply released, his life shattered.
"This really shows the human impact of this program and that lives are ruined by the CIA rendition program," said Margaret Satterthwaite, an attorney for Bashmilah and a professor at the New York University School of Law. "It is about psychological torture and the experience of being disappeared."
Bashmilah, who at age 39 is now physically a free man, still suffers the mental consequences of prolonged detention and abuse. He is undergoing treatment for the damage done to him at the hands of the U.S. government. On Friday, Bashmilah laid out his story in a declaration to a U.S. district court as part of a civil suit brought by the ACLU against Jeppesen Dataplan Inc., a subsidiary of Boeing accused of facilitating secret CIA rendition flights.
Bashmilah said in the phone interview that the psychological anguish inside a CIA black site is exacerbated by the unfathomable unknowns for the prisoners. While he figured out that he was being held by Americans, Bashmilah did not know for sure why, where he was, or whether he would ever see his family again. He said, "Every time I realize that there may be others who are still there where I suffered, I feel the same thing for those innocent people who just fell in a crack."
It may seem bizarre for the agency to provide counseling to a prisoner while simultaneously cracking him mentally -- as if revealing a humanitarian aspect to a program otherwise calibrated to exploit systematic psychological abuse. But it could also be that mental healthcare professionals were enlisted to help bring back from the edge prisoners who seemed precariously damaged, whose frayed minds were no longer as pliable for interrogation. "My understanding is that the purpose of having psychiatrists there is that if the prisoner feels better, then he would be able to talk more to the interrogators," said Bashmilah.
Realistically, psychiatrists in such a setting could do little about the prisoners' deeper suffering at the hands of the CIA. "They really had no authority to address these issues," Bashmilah said about his mental anguish. He said the doctors told him to "hope that one day you will prove your innocence or that you will one day return to your family." The psychiatrists also gave him some pills, likely tranquilizers. They analyzed his dreams. But there wasn't much else they could do. "They also gave me a Rubik's Cube so I could pass the time, and some jigsaw puzzles," Bashmilah recalled.
The nightmare started for him back in fall 2003. Bashmilah had traveled to Jordan from Indonesia, where he was living with his wife and working in the clothing business. He and his wife went to Jordan to meet Bashmilah's mother, who had also traveled there. The family hoped to arrange for heart surgery for Bashmilah's mother at a hospital in Amman. But before leaving Indonesia, Bashmilah had lost his passport and had received a replacement. Upon arrival in Jordan, Jordanian officials questioned his lack of stamps in the new one, and they grew suspicious when Bashmilah admitted he had visited Afghanistan in 2000. Bashmilah was taken into custody by Jordanian authorities on Oct. 21, 2003. He would not reappear again until he stepped out of a CIA plane in Yemen on May 5, 2005.
Bashmilah's apparent innocence was clearly lost on officials with Jordan's General Intelligence Department. After his arrest, the Jordanians brutally beat him, peppering him with questions about al-Qaida. He was forced to jog around in a yard until he collapsed. Officers hung him upside down with a leather strap and his hands tied. They beat the soles of his feet and his sides. They threatened to electrocute him with wires. They told him they would rape his wife and mother.
It was too much. Bashmilah signed a confession multiple pages long, but he was disoriented and afraid even to read it. "I felt sure it included things I did not say," he wrote in his declaration to the court delivered Friday. "I was willing to sign a hundred sheets so long as they would end the interrogation."
Bashmilah was turned over to the CIA in the early morning hours of Oct. 26, 2003. Jordanian officials delivered him to a "tall, heavy-set, balding white man wearing civilian clothes and dark sunglasses with small round lenses," he wrote in his declaration. He had no idea who his new captors were, or that he was about to begin 19 months of hell, in the custody of the U.S. government. And while he was seldom beaten physically while in U.S. custody, he describes a regime of imprisonment designed to inflict extreme psychological anguish.
I asked Bashmilah which was worse: the physical beatings at the hands of the Jordanians, or the psychological abuse he faced from the CIA. "I consider that psychological torture I endured was worse than the physical torture," he responded. He called his imprisonment by the CIA "almost like being inside a tomb."
"Whenever I saw a fly in my cell, I was filled with joy," he said. "Although I would wish for it to slip from under the door so it would not be imprisoned itself."
After a short car ride to a building at the airport, Bashmilah's clothes were cut off by black-clad, masked guards wearing surgical gloves. He was beaten. One guard stuck his finger in Bashmilah's anus. He was dressed in a diaper, blue shirt and pants. Blindfolded and wearing earmuffs, he was then chained and hooded and strapped to a gurney in an airplane.
Flight records show Bashmilah was flown to Kabul. (Records show the plane originally departed from Washington, before first stopping in Prague and Bucharest.) After landing, he was forced to lie down in a bumpy jeep for 15 minutes and led into a building. The blindfold was removed, and Bashmilah was examined by an American doctor.
He was then placed in a windowless, freezing-cold cell, roughly 6.5 feet by 10 feet. There was a foam mattress, one blanket, and a bucket for a toilet that was emptied once a day. A bare light bulb stayed on constantly. A camera was mounted above a solid metal door. For the first month, loud rap and Arabic music was piped into his cell, 24 hours a day, through a hole opposite the door. His leg shackles were chained to the wall. The guards would not let him sleep, forcing Bashmilah to raise his hand every half hour to prove he was still awake.
Cells were lined up next to each other with spaces in between. Higher above the low ceilings of the cells appeared to be another ceiling, as if the prison were inside an airplane hanger.
After three months the routine became unbearable. Bashmilah unsuccessfully tried to hang himself with his blanket and slashed his wrists. He slammed his head against the wall in an effort to lose consciousness. He was held in three separate but similar cells during his detention in Kabul. At one point, the cell across from him was being used for interrogations. "While I myself was not beaten in the torture and interrogation room, after a while I began to hear the screams of detainees being tortured there," he wrote.
While he was not beaten, Bashmilah was frequently interrogated. "During the entire period of my detention there, I was held in solitary confinement and saw no one other than my guards, interrogators and other prison personnel," he wrote in his declaration. One interrogator accused him of being involved in sending letters to a contact in England, though Bashmilah says he doesn't know anybody in that country. At other times he was shown pictures of people he also says he did not know.
"This is a form of torture," he told me. "Especially when the person subjected to this has not done anything."
In his declaration, Bashmilah made it clear that most of the prison officials spoke English with American accents. "The interrogators also frequently referred to reports coming from Washington," he wrote.
After six months he was transferred, with no warning or explanation. On or around April 24, 2004, Bashmilah was pulled from his cell and placed in an interrogation room, where he was stripped naked. An American doctor with a disfigured hand examined him, jotting down distinctive marks on a paper diagram of the human body. Black-masked guards again put him in a diaper, cotton pants and shirt. He was blindfolded, shackled, hooded, forced to wear headphones, and stacked, lying down, in a jeep with other detainees. Then he remembers being forced up steps into a waiting airplane for a flight that lasted several hours, followed by several hours on the floor of a helicopter.
Upon landing, he was forced into a vehicle for a short ride. Then, Bashmilah took several steps into another secret prison -- location unknown.
He was forced into a room and stripped naked again. Photos were taken of all sides of his body. He was surrounded by about 15 people. "All of them except for the person taking photographs were dressed in the kind of black masks that robbers wear to hide their faces," Bashmilah wrote in the declaration.
He was again examined by a doctor, who took notations on the diagram of the human body. (It was the same form from Afghanistan. Bashmilah saw his vaccination scar marked on the diagram.) The doctor looked in his eyes, ears, nose and throat.
He was then thrown into a cold cell, left naked.
It was another tiny cell, new or refurbished with a stainless steel sink and toilet. Until clothes arrived several days later, Bashmilah huddled in a blanket. In this cell there were two video cameras, one mounted above the door and the other in a wall. Also above the door was a speaker. White noise, like static, was pumped in constantly, day and night. He spent the first month in handcuffs. In this cell his ankle was attached to a 110-link chain attached to a bolt on the floor.
The door had a small opening in the bottom through which food would appear: boiled rice, sliced meat and bread, triangles of cheese, boiled potato, slices of tomato and olives, served on a plastic plate.
Guards wore black pants with pockets, long-sleeved black shirts, rubber gloves or black gloves, and masks that covered the head and neck. The masks had tinted yellow plastic over the eyes. "I never heard the guards speak to each other and they never spoke to me," Bashmilah wrote in his declaration.
He was interrogated more. Bashmilah recalls an interrogator showing him a lecture by an Islamic scholar playing on a laptop. The interrogator wanted to know if Bashmilah knew who the man was, but he did not. It was in this facility that Bashmilah slashed his wrists, then went on his hunger strike, only to be force-fed through a tube forced down his nose.
The CIA seems to have figured out that Bashmilah was not an al-Qaida operative sometime around September 2004, when he was moved to another, similar cell. But there was no more white noise. And while his ankles were shackled, he wasn't bolted to the floor with a chain. He was allowed to shower once a week. He was no longer interrogated and was mostly left alone.
Bashmilah was given a list of books he could read. About a month before he was released, he was given access to an exercise hall for 15 minutes a week. And he saw mental healthcare professionals. "The psychiatrists asked me to talk about why I was so despairing, interpreted my dreams, asked me how I was sleeping and whether I had an appetite, and offered medications such as tranquilizers."
On May 5, 2005, Bashmilah was cuffed, hooded and put on a plane to Yemen. Yemeni government documents say the flight lasted six or seven hours and confirm that he was transferred from the control of the U.S. government. He soon learned that his father had died in the fall of 2004, not knowing where his son had disappeared to, or even if he was alive.
At the end of my interview with Bashmilah, I asked him if there was anything in particular he wanted people to know. "I would like for the American people to know that Islam is not an enemy to other nations," he said. "The American people should have a voice for holding accountable people who have hurt innocent people," he added. "And when there is a transgression against the American people, it should not be addressed by another transgression."
-- By Mark Benjamin

The thing that is interesting about this is that methods are used to get them some healing time..using psychiatrists and therapists.
Which of course is way sicker and arrogant than just torturing someone.
Its brainwashing. You'll get a good case of Stockholm syndrome then..

Some TI's I keep in contact with often say similar things as I can as well. I find this interesting ..I could not account for this but just thought it was part of the behavior modification/brainwashing.

I have had people handling me alternately with harassing me...a mild version of this. I also have heard a woman who was part of a couple say of me " I dont think she can handle it today". I also have experienced that if I consider suicide seriously with research and a game plan that the torture receeds a bit.
Its always if I am going over the edge..whatever 'edge' that might be, it subsides or care is replaced for abuse.

I have long pointed out that it seems that 'the perps' dont want me to kill myself, it seems only to conform to behavior modification.

I have been given many more clues like mostly people in person saying unusual things like "They are mad at you becuz you are not accepting your circumstances." and "Its your Italian stubborness..." that I am not conforming to being cut down. (which is the stupidest thing I have heard by the way). And during getting harassed by a group once this girl came out of nowhere with " You can fight as hard as you want, the system doesnt support women". Anyway, all these statements would lead one to believe that one is not going along with something planned for one.

The harassment and then the alternate handling or caregiving is very manipulative.
If anything involves torture then one has to question if brainwashing is present.

The vid I just posted-- the Youtuber has been targeted.

I looked up her sight..the woman who made that vid is a target! Just for a Youtube sight. What the f*ck is that? Give it up.
Here it is:

Psychiatry- Stop the madness vids (behavior modification)/more on manipulation-racism, classism, sexism

This explains alot about what is happening to alot of TI's. I will put it out there that it feels very much like what has been done to me. Throughout this ordeal.

Also, I have posted about feeling that at certain times and certain places I have received what feels like mild shocks and at times done so cyclically.

What makes no sense about this is that I was highly intelligent with desirable physical attributes. The only reason I could be perceived as emotionally unstable was due to negligence of many people and active harassment of me over years time. Also, internal programming that needed to be dealt with..if you believe that exists which I know that alot of people are not going to. Also, I was told that I needed to be made manageable etc. So its being put out covertly and used to cover for criminals who want someone silenced.

Look at what I have accomplished over time. Look how sane I have kept throughout this ordeal...if anyone is sane, smart and talented its me. So why would I be targeted for being defective or emotionally unstable?

On the video she says that the movement was used to make people manageable--there ya go.

Believe me, I am a bit of an elitist at heart. I always gravitate to quality by nature. To be honest I will say that the idea of preventing birth defects as well as creating a better stronger human being that does well in life and suffers less appeals to me.

But even without any human interference nature takes care of this. If we did not interfere the sick would die the old would go by natural death, the newborn would die if they were not strong enough or sickly. Letting nature do its job has always been my hard view of life. Medicine should be used moderately. Look at my life. I had constant fevers as a child. One almost killed me...what was the point of saving me at all? For the life I have now? ( My mother claimed once that someone at the Dept of Energy told her that my fevers were connected to the radiation experimentation...I dont know if I buy into that. I would need them to show just HOW that is the case.)

I know this is not popular but you must understand, I myself suffer today due to what I consider unnecessary surgeries for endometiriosis that could have been handled with hormone treatments instead. Too many unnecessary medical procedures. Also I watched my grandfather go through many heart surgeries..brutal affairs with harsh after affects and recovery. He did not take care of his health however that might have prevented further heart attacks. He should have been let go if that what was what his actions were going to equal.

So my attitude of more natural methods or a partial return to primitive living in part as a cure for illness is not popular but here is the difference between wanting less suffering in the world and being a lunatic who wants to off people: One is to limit suffering for the benefit of people and of all humanity. Balance.

The other seems to be based in hatred for humans.

If someone is born with defects and they live then they should not be murdered by someone just becuz you feel they are inferior or you feel they are suffering. There is not anything that human love for another human cant make less traumatic. If you lay dying then this is natures will, the body is dying. Would you rather be alone and suffering or around loved ones or in the presence of people who loved you?

It is how we treat each other while we are here that counts.

The kind of people in this video are the sort that cant deal with their own pain or thier own pasts so they cant stand to see suffering. They also feel defective themselves so they cant stand 'defective' people.

There are too many people on the planet and there is too much pollution. THIS IS CAUSED BY A SYSTEM THAT WOULD RATHER CURE THAN PREVENT. It seems to me that money has to be made so therefore the world is mess. THEN clowns like this come out and say that populations need to be lowered and defective people need to go. Its all BS. This is all usually a cover for either personal or business motivations.

And one has to question anything that involves heavy handed cruelty. ANYTHING.

I do not agree with all of what the woman in the video is saying.

I will admit that I too have pondered about African Americans being civilized only 400 years. But that does not mean that it is

1) always a negative thing

2) a reason that they have had some disease that makes them run from thier masters (ridiculous)

3) anything but my pondering and wondering

The positive side of this would be that they avoided the nonsense of the middle ages. That they would retain more power connected to earth and natures ways. Also everyone is so integrated already (admit it or not) that that idea is not so important now. Its just interesting to think about. Notice how it was immediately used to enslave them further opposed to anything positive to come of it.

Its not that any race is more inferior to any other...its that each people from different countries have thier own character and thus develop their own cultures. We are all good at something different, and that would include different persons in a tribe, different tribes, etc.

Diversity and left wing liberal thinking is not working. This in itself has become totalitarian. As a painter by nature I enjoy taking in every and all facial features and differences I can get in a day. I take joy in cultural differences..I was never afraid of foreigners and always went native easily. I am a born traveler and thus I cannot stand this movement that wants never to admit to differences in humans around the globe. That we are all the same. That we should all be the same. That no one should take about or take joy in differences.

I will not lie to you that when I wake sometimes in the shelter and there is an African woman sleeping next to me and a part of her shoulder shows, with a blue satin strap on it, that that is not a most perfect picture or photograph. Does that mean I am racist or even a lesbian? No. I means that art is all around us. I means that really dark black women have beautiful colored skin to an artist. Does this mean that she will not do something when she wakes to be racist towards me or piss me off in some way? Does this guarantee that we will get along? No, it does not. People are beautiful often but humans are dangerous and its always a game to survive.

It seems we live in a time when EVERYONE is chasing some perfect totalitarian system of managing humans in order to survive.

You better get used to the truth. Life is complex, its random ( or should be) and nothing is total. Stop trying to make people into what you want them to be.

I will never stop being fascinated by racial differences or how we got this way- all of us. I will never stop trying to find truth either. And thinking about things is just that.

Do you know how many people I have seen lately that seem to be into diversity but still engage in or stand by gang stalking? That tells me that the only reason that they stand by diversity is because someone told them that they should or could. I do not trust this sort of person. I trust people who exercise thier free will and don't play games to hide. I trust the people living in places like Cambridge MA years ago when it was a place where diversity was being lived in as an idea not some concept of forced integration. Becuz the people there WANTED to be there. They wanted to live in that neighborhood.

It seems that gang stalking is making forced integration easier. And as someone who grew up during the 70's bussing horrorshow I am very sensitive to this issue. And its a mess mostly at the level that I live on. I don't live diversity, I live having to deal with ghetto environments and all the BS that goes along with that. That is not diversity. Diversity is a word to get rich whites and suburban people to behave themselves. There is alot more daily "white people" this and that. There is a constant environment of intimidation. And whether you like it or not the only reason I make it out unscathed daily is probably becuz I am protected and this is known. Also I am Italian enough to not be lily white and seem sheepish and fearful. I also have a grandfather from Naw'lins so I am not stupid to all that goes on. And after saying all that, do you realize who my harshest critics will be? Upper class whites and other. Blacks would be the first to admit what is really happening here. The ones who keep it real anyway.

Classist struggles as well as sexism are often diverted from attention by making a focus of racial issues. I have been across the country and seen problems with economic warfare and a war on the poor..this is never approached by yuppies and left wingers or liberals with campaigns calling for all of us to get along. Its quietly hidden as it goes on and race is focused on.

There is waaayyy more of a problem in this country nowadays with classism than race. And the only thing they have created is a racial cold war where everyone is finding reasons to secretly hate on each other and smile in the face politely. This means that there is some form of control over the population that they feel they cannot express themselves readily.

Ghetto culture has infiltrated say, the service industry and destroyed it. Is this diversity? I see upwardly mobile blacks all the time shunning black trash that seek favor under the guise of calling someone 'brother'. The guy wants nothing to do with his own 'people'..(wait isnt that racist? Hmm..or isn't it racist to be elitist and call only other blacks brother? Guess what world? Mind your own business and let cultures have their own ways. Stop trying to make people behave and conform.)

I am not going to sit here and let a bunch of brutal sexists try to represent me as a racist. It is one of the biggest ways to get anyone who thinks outside what is acceptable nowadays to look bad.

For instance this idiot in the Cambridge homeless scene slipped and looked right at me and said I was a know how as a TI you can tell that its part of the slander. Well, he has issues with women, misses his wife, is a drunk who is killing himself slowly. Yet the man he talks to everyday makes the most overt and insane racial comments.. I posed this too him. He left the world of logic and said " yeah, but he is a funny bastard". This shows white male privilege to judge who is acceptable and who is not. Also I assume that his friend not only supports his sexism but also is not a threat at all thus is tolerated. (Camb is full of homeless and drunks who are educated or fit into that city's academic leanings).


It would be the same as altering an equation. All the gang stalking system does is alter logic selectively. They also leave things out on purpose as well as create things that are false.

It ensures that the TI is never socially acceptable. Think about it. If indeed I am targeted in part becuz people don't like my eccentric ponderings or my wanting to look for truth or what is real and its somehow based on something with a 'racist' tag attached to it...then why is psychiatry accepted after you watched this video and see what it is really about? Where it originates from.

Becuz firstly, they are attempting to hide and someone like me is not.

They have taken their ponderings and gone so far with them as to make them into a belief system and then taken actions on those beliefs even so far as to use manipulation to cover up their actions.

They also have bought themselves legitimacy's through manipulation.

I purposely brought this up to show how the authority figure or big guy is often corrupted or criminal and the TI is one person who is being victimized. People go along due to the campaign allowing them to feel some sense of satisfaction as well as they fear the big guy.

The fact that they actually use moral judgement to this end is nothing short of sickening. This is why all TI's should ignore everything that is said about them. If the system wants to play games then they lose all cred with whatever comes out of thier mouths. This is also why anything bad about a TI has to be put out through channels that appear to be just gossip or 'word on the street'.

Certain kinds of men or women who sympathize with them are largely responsible for this as it seems their hatred of their own weaknesses is never ending. As is their search for relief at the expense of a female.

This is also how a natural curiosity and intelligence is used against the person.

You see from the video that manipulation of the truth or of facts is rampant in this system and its used to target people as well as to hide the truth in say, a profession.

Anyway, aside from that little example of how a TI can be marketed ..the video is quite good.

Still daily we deal with the public hanging onto their view of reality that makes their lives possible, thus they aren't going to stray from that easily.

By the way I see that some of the greatest casualties of psychiatry are the urban communities and the 'underclass'.

Can you believe that it was expected that I would just accept that I was just mentally ill and line up at the med window and thus Rach is out of the way? But I am tall with angular athletic bone structure and...hmm. I sound 'upperclass'. Well what am I doing down here then? Welcome to the rabbit hole.

As long as you have this system of supporting untruths and lies YOU HAVE ALLOTTA BALLS ASKING THE POPULATION TO BEHAVE IN CERTAIN WAYS AND BE OBEDIENT.

You are also the height of irony and bullshit by destroying someone who appears by your insane judgements to be upper class yet you tried to use psychiatry in part to make them into someone who was lower class.

So who is your god really? Beauty, height, intelligence, talent and the superior human? Or is it all a front to make power mongering attractive?

I think the people who are wielding this monster need to be last psychiatrist..she looked old in her face. Her last name seemed perhaps eastern European. She wasn't attractive enough. She had children...perhaps she should be sterilized. Alot of the white middle upper class bitches who put me here need to 'perfect themselves' . Seems that the people behind psychiatry or practicing are imperfect and need to be tended to.

That was comical of course but it shows that these kinds of things are perpetuated by really people who are inferior and petty and how it would be if things were reversed.

Hey, we all want a world of beautiful people...that's ok when your young. But as you get older you need to start seeing that there is more to tend to in the world than just keeping out reality. If you still do so when you are older you are an irresponsible f*ck and need to keep this tendency to yourself. If not then there is something lacking in you, something that needs to be addicted to perfection and beauty...something lacking in YOU.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Anyone who gets in our way...(psy ops media use)

"anyone who has the 'wrong' priorities and thus gets in our way." This is generally the attitude of this sort of opression anywhere.

And as far as it being have no f*ckin idea. Its so cold at times it burns. 'Chilling' is the affect one would get by sitting back in an arm chair and reading about it.,_terrorists_and_narcotrafficers

"Strategic communications"

I have posted before that what warfare goes on with countries seems often applied to individuals.

"We knew what we wanted — to keep alive in the Communist-controlled countries hope
of a better future, to limit tyranny, to broaden the boundaries of internal debate, all in
order to promote not suicidal revolt but gradual democratic transformation and in the
process make the Soviet empire a less formidable adversary.
These were long-term,
strategic objectives, not short-term policy goals."

Some of you can relate to this as individuals.

"First, a clear sense of purpose congruent with the aspirations and possibilities of the audiences.
Second, a capability for sophisticated appraisal of the adversary
Third, differentiated and tailored programs for multiple audiences"

Its all about manipulation of information.

This is why the TI is 'gaslighted' really. You only recieve limited info, while the system intel gathers constantly. If you are in my position then posting on the web gives them plenty of what they want to know, and it lets them know where you at.

Some of us have been beat down and isolated so badly that in a way we exist only on the internet as well as we have been conditioned to the point of Stolckholm syndrome to keep confessing things about our ordeals our personalities etc.

All becuz we have been tortured to the point of fearing our own deaths, quite literally most of the time but actually it is the death of the self and ones identity and life. All this has been taken from us.
For instance I can sense after I post that alot of what I do is to simply keep some record of Me alive as well as beg the world to know 'Me' becuz all that I was and I knew no longer also what is left is under threat everyday of destruction.
This is what the system ends up with..and every admission of defeat, counter tactic etc is seen as a victory.

Ultimately the target is controlled which is what the system wants.

Media and communications can be manipulated to get a result.

LSD without the drug or the side effects/ as related to gs

I have not watched all of these. (vid at bottom)
And I have much distrust of white lighters and New Age practitioners.
This is mostly, in my opinion, what humans can do on primitive levels anyway and it can be explained by less childish methods.

There are a few good books on this as well as internet info.

What I do not like about this is that the video DOES activate (or with me re-activate) the pineal gland. What is causes this..thru a video?

How much of this is tech influenced and how much is natural to humans?

always there is a darkness as well. This is a harsh reality, the reality of earthly life that the person making this video is not including. This is irresponsible, childish and dangerous. There must be the acknowledgement of all forces not just good ones. And there for me there must be balance. The info that is being put into these video is doneso very irresposibly. .becuz its presented in this manner that is not taking into consideration other those that might come after you to either steal your energy or shut you down.

As I watched this video, the activation of that area now makes me nausoues, as if there is an aversion to this from conditioning.

The only reason I feel this is related to organized stalking is that a TI who turned out to be a criminal opportunist who used to occasionally feel bad for me so dropped info to me, said that the tech and the gs system- " they know exactly what they are doing..they're trying to shrink the pineal gland"...

What the hell does THAT tell you?

Also I have read on the web that this natural human ability is being replaced by technology.
This may be why we feel that there is a compesation going on as we are tortured..that feeling I have described before that is a fake out..'god like' bliss and or painkilling effects..but you can tell its fake for one and secondly I as a human being dont activate it through MY OWN WILL it is something forced upon me.

And everybody wonders why Gen X is 'weird' and eccentric./LSD and baby boomers

Look what we grew up with!

Not that this sort of imaginative play doesn't have its value..its not just drug induced (believe it or not).

But this will get you survielled nowadays probably...

A history teacher who had Downshifted to being a courier recently told me there is this pervasive fear in this country nowadays of anything from the '60s. I don't know if what he is saying is true but he claimed that the kids he was teaching were very savvy about it all. And that they were like little spies that reported back to their parents. But he claimed to have been actively employed somewhere very Christian right wing anyway.

He also claimed that "You cant be who you want in this country". Sounds like the lady at BU who I heard announcing " You cant say what you want in this country".

I suspect however that this guy was a perp..he said some stuff later that was too close to my situation and also I heard some other people in on it say while drunk of him that they knew what he was trying to pull on me.
Its all very confusing..and this is a TI's life. Covert attacks, mind games, handling. People are rotten to you all around but seem to be waring factions.

I am extremely fortunate. I live in an era where there are testimonies from other tbmc survivors as well as Targeted Individuals. I also have a case connected to real bastard criminals who will do anything to anyone to get what they want. I can also name names etc. I can map out the con.

What if someone couldn't?

By the way someone commented and I did not publish it. I said that I could be affected by mold exposure from tech, that is was an induced falsehood.
Not according to the medical evidence I have as well as other documentation.

MK Ultra...the use of LSD. Bio warefare- the use of mold toxins. LSD is is Ergot. Whoever unleashed this on a generation should be shot. Also, I am highly suspect of the heroin addiction of the baby boomers of this age 10 years later. I know there were pushers involved...but I often wonder if a too open and aware psych coupled with growing up and seeing the world more realistically with may be too much for the human mind to bear. According to humans urge to self medicate and self cure I just wonder if an entire generation were not in psychic pain or pain from Ergot affecting the mind.
Imagine if these people were to have just gotten treated for mycotoxin exposure?

As a person who's parent was affected very adversely by LSD it is a very personal subject with me. And my own exposure from a water damaged apartment.. No it does not make everyone ill but it makes those with certain health conditions ill or an allergy to start with.

I had a boyfriend once. And this is the part of my life no one wants to believe..eventually he was approached. Like usual. Someone who was supposedly a practicing satanist started hanging out with him. (It was one of those goofy hateful types that seem to resemble TI's perps. Weak and attempting evil deads by cheap deceptions instead of testing their inner strength etc.) He gave him this book of shadows to read (isn't that a Wiccan book? Whatever) then he started to convince this boy (we were only 17) to see all that was bad about me. Or that I deserved some sort of ill treatment..I am not going to get into what happened but I aced it as usual, but what creeped me out was D asking me in this really evil voice "How do you feel today honey?" Like he expected this setup to work. I simply responded that I was JUST FINE. And I told him to stop hanging out with that bad influence as well.

Then he went off and took a job with some dealers making LSD to sell from the liquid itself. I broke up with him cuz I saw it coming.. I knew he couldn't handle that world. He ended up constantly spilling LSD on his hands and tripping all the time. He also got arrested in NJ and sent to jail ( I knew it).
Then later I talked to his family who said he took a downward spiral. I spoke with him and he told me of things that sounded like my fathers insanity...and now seem like organized stalking affects.

If Targets can get at least the public to wonder about knee jerk reactions pertaining to people, things are often more complicated than some diagnoses out of a book. If the psych people had their way, all of history would be rewritten with diagnoses. Instead of looking at medical issues, bacteria, infectious disease, nature's affect on man. Then the doings of mankind that is devious or underhanded. Life is more interesting and complicated than a label or an easy answer.

I love the bullshit world we live in nowadays. Everything is in order, its forced that way. No one thinks to deeply. Complicated issues are pushed aside in the interest of the big picture and pondering something is wasting time. If something is messy or complex we just cut it down to fit, place it and move on. Even people.

This is done becuz the public have become somehow convinced that due to technology they now have the whole story on everything at all times. Moreso I think that it has given humans carte blanche to not care about agree with a very large group upon who and what is important and will 'matter'. Plainly there is information missing in the official versions of every story, and its usually to be found on the internet.
But this info gets ignored. So the public are picking and choosing thier realities, just like always. Technology has changed nothing. The good thing is that the unofficial versions are there and people are forced to contend with them. Such as every TI blog and website that is out there. Then of course people like that NY TImes a-hole come along and make claims like we are all suffering the same delusion and we use the internet to network. ( roll eyes now).

A time is coming when inconsistencies can no longer be ignored. You can keep forcing ( or inviting) the public to accept the false versions but how long can you manage the truth sitting right beside the lie in plain sight in front of people?

The public would have to then consciously choose to accept one or the other.

I'll tell you organized stalking and harassment is the worst trip of my life that's for sure. I have spent years in cyberspace when I would have rather been living.

The only disorder that TIs need cured is the power hunger of people messing with thier lives for their own gain.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

RE: bad experiment comment

Someone from Bad Experiment left this for me to read on a comment recently.

I have read this before actually...

All I have to say is that I do not have time to create a new vocabulary for an entire victim community. I would rather just stick to the agreed upon set up. Also, if you want to claim its the militarization of the target I would say its moreso for the purpose of making it clear that the target is clearly a victim of crime ..the use of the word 'perp' indicates that there is a perpetrator, like when the cops ID a 'perp'. The term "targeted individual" has been used to describe people targeted by companies as well as whistleblowers or journalists etc. Both of these add legitamacy from the world of crime and nasty business that people already accept as reality..therefore drawing people into the idea that we are legit.

The military part is the psychological warfare that is used...psy ops. And we cant change that really can we?

I would not be leary of language so much as I would :
outrageous claims that cannot be backed up
people who know everything about their situation yet somehow get nothing done
mind control tactics used on TI's to ensure nothing gets done
people who seem to know alot about your situation or mirror it too much
what ever else doesnt feel right

If you are a seasoned enough TI you will know what thier tactics are for you and for groups of TI's...

The outcomes desired are:
discredited victim witness
keeping you 'down' for life
personality reformatting

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Better/ mold exposure effects treated

The weather here now makes everything moldy.. I have probably been doing badly due to that. I took something today for reduction of mold in the system and I feel alot better.

I should have left here as Nov actually for health reasons.

Its interesting how powerful mycotoxins are on certain human's systems...

I have posted about Russia using it to lower the intelligence of dissidents and
it being used in MK Ultra in the form of LSD (ergot) and
certain molds being synthesized into yellow rain bio warfare agent.

So many uses!


I have had many incarnations of a music section on here. There have been many problems with keeping it up, but especially Youtube, and I wont get into why. Just always look out for tech being easily corrupted...Trojan horses, worms and other stuff that can be snuck into the feed..of ANY tech nowadays.

I want to keep this up here for my own record, really of my situation or progress through this ordeal. One can often see clearer where one is now by seeing ones past.

I found alot of difficulty come back to me when I wanted to hook up the original songs list..
The Youtube account I had on here was under the Bush era gang stalking. After that the rules changed and I found myself into other, much harder more grim hopeless type music, really in order to survive. More intense energy....

The music I listen to now or enjoy helped keep me alive, yet it may also be part of trying to make me into a 'new person' which remember- personality reformatting is the end result of what the perps want. Also suicide. And still continued slander.

I will do what ever I have to to survive this and I will use whatever I find.

Just becuz I went from Bob Marley to redicovering harder stuff doesn't mean
1) you have to 2) that I am a bad person.
I am sure this would be a natural reaction from someone who was terrorized AND systematically ignored. You begin to drown and need something to keep you alive. Humans are creative problem solvers ...this is why they still walk the earth.

Anyone who was a veteran of covert war and had seen so many horrors might turn to a taste in things more brutal than before. We as a group have been brutalized, often within sight of a nation. There are those who are The Unaware of organized stalking, and then there are those factions in The Aware category. The Observers who are For, The Observers who are Against but DO NOTHING, Those who actively Help, and then there are the partaking PERPS.

Targets have been systematically terrorized with total disregard. They are torture victims. This is why denial is so important. I believe the unaware faction of people would be outraged if they knew...some percentage of them anyway.

I just updated this...shame how many vids are now unavailable due to copyright...this is a recent Youtube issue with everyone however. Vids or audio getting pulled.

This might also be my attempt to continue with the concept I was working on that sound can heal humans if it resonates with you.
TI's are certainly aware of the idea of sound being used as a weapon of the reverse must be possible.

As I have changed and the world around me has changed I note that my musical fuel needs have changed.

Monday, February 23, 2009


I personally at this time am opting for completing suicide ritualistically. I have been left no choice by the constant interference with my 'mind control' programming.

If I had been allowed to de program and then re program with the help of therapists (who were doing thier jobs not jerking off or standing down to corruption) I would have become a caring and functional invididual.

At this time I am so interfered with via remote influence and still some gang stalking that after years of this I have had quite enough. I have also had enough of society acting like everything is fine and they did nothing wrong.

I will push myself to take care of writing my story before I go so keep on messing with me YOU WONT CHANGE THAT.

If not then at least there is enough here to force at least some people to realize that I was not simply jsut crazy or deserved this.

If you feel like avenging me...feel free. Just wait until I go thats all.

I need advice from anyone versed in fire sciences about how to construct something gaurenteeing my body is cremated on site of my death. I CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO PHYSICALLY REMAIN. I MUST DIE BY FIRE OR BE BURNED.

Also I am worrisome of reports I hear about TI's bodies being corrupted. I dont put it past them that they would be doing something so ridiculous with human experiemntation that there would be some use for some body part after wards.

Also being a female I dont want..certain activities going on after I am dead. Alot of women I know had very raised eyebrows over Anna Nicoles body being so late in its return. Women just looked at each other..we didnt even have to think or say anything. We just all suspected the same thing.

I think the system has done enough to me already. They dont deserve anything else.

This is a long term plan. I refuse to off myself out of being it seems the system would like.

I am not condoning suicide for other TI's...but if you are programmed and they are keeping you trapped in the maze and not letting you grow as a person at all. If you are a total prisoner and no one will help you and the rest of society just doesnt know what is happening...well you can relate. Survivors are many....and I often question the easy rescue stories of highly visible survivors. I guess some are more fortunate than others. Expendable means just that I guess.

If you have a tolerable situation then there is no reason to go anywhere. You have to keep fighting...regardless of what anyone else does.

Dont comment on this or send me messages unless you have the information I am looking for.
I feel very strongly about this and my programming will have nothing less.

I will not be controlled if your wondering. I wont be pigeon holed or changed or told what to do or ordered around or confused or shelved.
There are no alternatives to this and I, personally have little say in the matter. Any will I have is always being squashed and attempted to be altered. I will not be made docile and co operative when YOU were the ones who screwed me over when I didnt deserve it. Your sick and fucked corruption may not outrage anyone else but I find it outrageous that I am asked to live in such a manner. I wont have it and you wont have me where you want me.

Go f*ck yourselves.

You'll not cure me, convert me, immasculate me, minimize me, invalidate me and force me into a life of polite solitude within the confines of acceptable female behavior (as a cover for your total rail road job you did on me).

Nor will I spend the rest of my life taking care of people...NOT OF MY OWN WILL. That WAS to be my part in society according to my Will. NOT YOURS.

I will do nothing with my life not of my own Will. Piss off.

Feminism and Sexuality,M1

"Why was social purity so attractive to respectable workingmen?..."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

a new blog I skimmed through (

(THAT is what a green beret looks like? He looks like like almost every perp I've ever had to deal with. Why is he so....weak in the eyes? Nothing personal but he reads like.. anyway, why does he look like an actor?
Kids, if you can scan these faces, these types of men, it may be useful to realize who you have been dealing with.

If I find out that my mother had anything to really do with this due to her new neverending love of the military, her subscriptions to "Leather neck" magazine, her US MARINE CORP insignia on her computer when she goes online(she was never Corp), her military issued credit card she brags about....
why would someone join in her insanity to want to destroy her own kid? Is jealousy part of the military's concerns now? They will help some woman go after her kid out of jeolousy?? Or is it becuz I was going to write a auto biographical account that makes a Marine family look like human beings ( weaknesses and vices)?

Excuse me, who is the one living like an animal out here? Who is the one who has traveled the country twice and lived hard in the interest of freedom? It isnt that poser mother of mine...its me. And that is just the way I am. Not from some false association with organized recognized institutions.

Or is it rogue or former military who are hiding something? What are they hiding? Hmmm, so many of them turn out to be military and also the other highest instance is sex offender. What the hell is going on?

And why is my mother somehow favored over me or anyone else? If she has been put up as one of those suburban spies over the last few years, and instilled with a sickening false sense of patriotism that ends up serving what amounts to a witch hunt....So you can get rid of anyone inconvenient as long as its under some bogus claim that the person is a terrorist or some such claim?

Just seeing this pisses me off. Could the military possibly be that pathetic?..well Aquino and all.
Better than LaVey anyway.

And that would explain the ego/power trip these idiots who are perps seem to be on.
It would also explain the extreme and brutal sexism and trying to control the victim into becoming a desired personality.

I think I will have ALOT more to say on this in future. How dare they abuse thier training just to harass someone they have a hard on for. I get the feeling this is bigger than just a personal issue with some dissident.)

I added pics to my ex of art/media subliminals post "The Perps have a posse" from Nov 08..enjoy!

This was photo 30. Missing from my email is photo 29 which shows this artwork next to a local address proving its location. That could just be the stranger with the phone camera didnt send them all. But there is another missing as well and I know it was there.

As of posting these, the originals on my email have been be even MORE dark than you see..originally they appeared light. And also when properties is clicked when right clicking on photo--it says they were modified as of TODAYs date and that is not when they were taken per my emails recieved.

Pictures posted dark. Lighten them with your computer if you can until I find how to fix the problem....these were taken at night but on my end they are lighter.

These are photos of the art piece that is described in this post: (photos added to this post. Click on link to see photos)

Only I guess I would have to link to other subject matter involved thats mentioned in the post ...and for legal I am NOT doing that. YOU can look it up if you want.

At least artists' posting in public spaces is useful to me.
Oh well, its in a public space.....well, I simply assume this is a certain artists work. The piece has no signature so I cant say for sure exactly who it is.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

More of my story-Dad/ 2003

One of my ex associates used to claim all the time that her father worked for the CIA, and that he had Alzheimer's by the time he was 40 yrs old, which she was very suspect of. She claimed she had to take care of him as her mother shunned it and put it the responsibility on her.
She often did have issues with things like lunch, and would drop comment that she used to have to tell her father that she had already fed him 20 minutes ago.

Knowing what I know now about this system, I wonder if even being associated with her is the reason for this..if daddy's old employer had taken to daughter and her business.

Or is it mirroring, directed conversation? My father is obviously a target as well.
I had to tell my mother that his family as of 1990 claimed he was mentally ill. But what was the content of his claims? About something having to do with my mother , her family, the CIA and the military...pretty common paranoia. And curiously, ma claimed he did way too much LSD and I wonder if he was being put as much Ergot mold down his throat as possible. Perhaps this was just his drug of choice.
So when I heard, my mother says there was never an issue when she knew him...but I wondered if it was LSD related. The strange thing is that his family were....very off about all this. They kept systematically going away from the LSD idea.
For years I just figured he was nuts. And I recall how his sister told me that he saw a photo of me and she said he claimed that he said I was part of it.
Then I spoke to him a few times. He seemed, looking back now, very frightened. Under stress. Once he took my name and address, claiming to be taking a message. I have my mothers tone but I have his voice inflections. Anyway, I thought this was funny and creative...then the next time I called him he screamed at me and told me never to call thier again and called me a bitch.

If I am right about gang stalking, as I believe I am due to we have the Internet now and tech is listed as existing if not leading in that just sounds an awful lot like he was targeted. And now I see that it isnt creative or funny its him trying to deal with being perped once again by someone. Which is what I find so annoying about some reactions I have gotten...that people think I am amusing.
This aint a f*ckin game and I got some evidence. I am logical like my dad and primitive/nomadic and I am smarter than my mother...I aint playin. Or havent you noticed? If I wasn't Gen X I would probably be screwed.

And his family is strange as well. My mother claimed that his mother said she was mafia one day. I wasn't there I don't know but the one thing I do know is I was introduced to someone who was big in a suit with dark glasses who they claimed help body guard Kennedy..this was at some family wedding. I recall becuz it freaked me out...this huge crowd of people who all had the same eyes as me, which I was NOT used to and was quite the shock this hitting an ocean of my DNA staring back at me. Freaky.
Not as freaky as looking at the guy in the suit and wondering why he didn't look old enough for that gig...hmm. 196-? Maybe he meant another Kennedy.

So needless to say I am overloaded with mysterious weird shit concerning who is the shady person in my life. I know that my mother' s family hated my dad's. it the creepy ex associate? Is it the weird Dad's family? And if they were that impressive, then why wouldn't they have protected him? So why push the mental illness angle? And I now know that there is a legit connection between my mother and something govt human experimentation at least....the Naval Hospital, the MK Ultra hospital. The radiation experiments...question did HE have that info way back then?
I know my mother and she had a habit of ...saying things and not recalling. Sometimes. She may have mentioned it and then re compartmentalized the trauma.

So there is no lack of source for troubles here..the problem is that the only thing that makes sense is the radiation experimentation. The other things don't fit in that I can see.

What upsets me most is my own mother trying to trade off that info to get rid of me.

When I was being harassed in 2003 etc as it went on I got nervous living alone as it seemed to include cops AND the Irish idiots at the pub across from me, so I didn't feel like dealing with some situation that would have been deniable by a tight knit community...I told my sponsor and my mother who did not know each other about the harassment.

There had been a federal investigation and a bust in 2005 of a friend of a friend. Someone I did not know well. I was told by my sponsor to ask around NA, certain people specifically. So I did and I was told that everyone was being investigated and that I shouldn't go to the FBI if I didn't know anything. That they would mess with me he warned me. I was really mold sick at this point, so its all I could take in. Plus the ex had sort of created a vacuum by leaving the way he did, and I now see that it was on purpose. He had been busted in 2002. And soon after he moved away from me and that is when the harassment started in earnest in 2003, and in NA I felt very uncomfortable....shunned.

So I was stuck in my little world of denial in this little apartment that was now moldy and I was progressively sicker all the time. I also like I said went to my mother about the harassment and stalking and she advised me that 'they probably think you know more than you do and when they find out you don't know anything they will leave you alone'.
Right there she is validating the harassment as reality.
As time went on things got nastier and more confusing, and more betrayal it felt like, more harassment, more shunning.

My ex associate tried to warn me that I was going to go crazy, and someone in NA who was very wise in the ways of mc survivors like me, out of nowhere started telling me that his neighbor downstairs thinks that he is taking x rays of her and its only the refrigerator running. He was dead on because that story 'filed' itself away for later use. That was not the last time I was going to be told basically 'don't go crazy' during the harassment and stalking.

I got involved with an abuser who at least was a hardcore former criminal who helped me sue the management of the building..without him I couldn't have seen what the crime family that ran the building was doing to me. Turns out that was a mess as well with all kinds of town and friendship connections going back to my ex. Newton sticks together I'll tell ya.

When I returned from a trip cross country, to get away from my ex, my mothers mother, Nana, told me that " And there is no guarantee they will stop following you. Just don't go into Brookline and Cambridge because it will just be a war back and forth".
My mother said that 'they' seemed to be afraid of me.
Then she just turned on me. After I got perped by this creep in the supermarket, who brought up details concerning my bus trip, I told her I got harassed. She had me alone in the car and turned to me in my grandmothers drive way and said " Are you sure you don't have a case of what Danny has? Maybe just a mild case? " And I immediately started telling her very calmly why psychiatry is invalid. She got this pissed look on her face..the kind she gets when she cant dominate someone.
Also, I recently read that it being genetic is an old eugenics theory and not very popular anymore.
In the house to cover my ass I turned to my grand mother out of nowhere and said that my mother in the car said I was crazy like my dad. She did not expect this and sheepishly said "No, I did not say that". Then somehow she decides the next day to get Nana into a room and start discussing in her best drama mode, how crazy I am and she doesn't know what to do. My grandmother is in there saying " Well, help her ___". Now we all know my mother is either too selfish or to damn targeted her own self to help anybody. I can deal with that...but if I am being hunted you might just want to get away from me--that I could have dealt with. But to put me in 1) further danger by adding to perp advantage by trying to label me
2) putting even more stress on me
was absolutely unacceptable.
It was funny to sit there and listen to the these two trying to judge MY state of mind....after years of me watching that damn circus. One that my mother would never walk away from. One of the most oppressive environments I have ever come across.

So that is where I get what basically PTSD wise came out to be one of the locks on the door to this situation, the gang stalking prison. I would run that memory over and over and it kept me silent for years.. just the threat of that monster trying to put me away. She tried that at 18 as well...except this time it was just out of selfishness-" I'll have you put away, at least I'll know where you are." So you can see how now she could show cause it just had me psychologically.

When in MI at a alleged TI's home I called my family.. a year or more after leaving and breaking contact. My grandmother answered. She was very unatural and said out of nowhere "Well, not to be perfect but..we miss you. How about some medication?". Again self defense..which I was getting good at by now. I told her it was organized crime and that was all. She blew that off. I hung up knowing I would never be able to talk to them again. They had finally gotten rid of me...and if I wanted to return part of the deal obviously was they would have more control than ever over what I said and did. This ensures that I am never allowed to bring up how the behaved or have any control.
This may have worked if it werent for the conference calls, websites and other TI's. Even opportunists posing as TI's were giving me more info than my family.
Years later a sympathetic person would say my mother was 'sick' and that my family has no idea if I am dead or alive.

I often wonder about that. My mother as I recall, always had info about who I was with and what I was doing. She said to me once years ago "I knew you were buying drugs from some Columbians...I had alot to do with them getting shut down." Great, get people PO'd at me.
To be honest if it was the Allston kids they were small time and actually very nice to me. They let me stay there when the place I crashed was inconvenient. They were not a problem...funny she didnt have any problem with the people at the apartment I stayed in..who were trying to beat me down at times. She would even talk to them on the phone..Hmmmm.

If it was a bigger operation in Boston, well I never went in there, and I'd doubt if she had them shut down.

Anyway, she would say creepy things like " I always knew where you were". This makes me wonder exactly how she operates. She was always so mysterious about her life. She once told me she helped ruin a local music career..over what? She dated this drummer..and he gave me a pair of sticks which of course she confiscated out of jealousy. When he gave me the sticks, he had this look in his eyes, like he was afraid of something. Afraid for me. Later she said she "had alot to do with making sure that they never got anywhere". What an absolute major bitch. Sounds familiar actually.
Then again she would always talk to people on my behalf, which is a bad idea. Probably behind my back...then people want to come after me to get at her.
She even suggested this from a crowd that knew her from her old workplace..that maybe they were trying to get at me to get revenge on her. Is there anything that isnt about HER? And I would find it strange that you seem to be also in on it so why would they help YOU? Who cares about a bunch of old biddies from Brookline anyway. I can here it now like the Roddy McDowell movie from the 60's. "We bury our men we dont divorce them"...this is one that aint gonna get guilted to death. Never baptised, sorry ladies. Thats an old game anyway. Dont work nowadays.

The whole of Brighton seemed to be in on the harassment...I had a doctor from south America I liked. I could here the secretary staff intimidating her into mistreating me. The most disgusting thing I have ever seen and one thing I want revenge for..a fat uneducated BITCH who is JUST a secretary, bullying a graduated medical student who is from another country, and a woman at that. A slight woman. Needless to say that that one is one my blood list. Fat blonde bitch...local trash from Brighton, and she is going to have to balls to harass a physician. Now do you see how disgusting perps are? They respect nothing except whoever their f*cked up employers are and the power of their group. Something about fatty messing with a doctor gets my blood going and I don't know what it is...I really don't. Fight with docs, challenge them if there is corruption...but overt bullying in that manner is unacceptable.
Mess with the healers as usual -the natural enemy of the destructive gang stalkers.

Poor woman, she tried to stick to the be the best for the rod and snakes. Hermes. She used logic which the wretches hate...she claimed that just because I came in to get a cold checked doesn't mean that I am drug seeking. This is the time where the perps were going through a phase where they trying to set me up as selling pills as well as messing with docs to frame me, having pharmacy people act paranoid, etc. Especially in Brookline (grandma was right).

Everyone just kept saying things like ' you'll be fine', 'yer strong you can take it', " you're a smart woman, you'll figure it out" or you'll get through it. Handling and invalidating really.. minimizing.

Or people would keep saying " They".. they are afraid of you. They wont stop following you. THEY need to know you have someone advocating for you.

But no one would ever tell ME what the hell was going one for f*cks sake! Nice going..
And it was like a large amount of people. You wouldn't believe it. There was also gang stalking from strangers.

So what exactly happened and who is still unknown. My mother seemed to know more...she would say things like concerning cars going by beeping twice "Cant you see Rachael, they are trying to condition you". And " I am very interested in the way your mind works."

There is something about her behavior...after my grandfather died it got really weird. It was like that cause a chain reaction in the family.

So its all very confusing and you can see why just taking a label is attractive to most people. The sheer abandonment is stifling. An entire community??! Your family and your friends?! What the hell. But the truth matters more than any human being and so does chasing something like this down until it reaches its end and everything is figured out.

It is so outrageous, so over the top and so disrespectful to the target that everyone needs to be made into a puzzle piece and put into their place. Its what they must want, because they decided to act inhumanely. It must be that is the side they chose.

And everyone acts like the TI is this toy...this doll. Someone who is not worth protecting.

This is how people end up in shelters half crazed, or how they end up institutionalized. They may not have been insane to start with but the idea that people as a society could do this.

I know I did not imagine it....people who at least had some sympathy would tell me things. Clues. That I needed to be made manageable because that is what businesses do. That expendable people are factored into every business. That 'that crowd' isn't around anymore. ( uh, I went cross country this was more than just a crowd). "It must be hard- spies everywhere.You're not a toy shouldn't be being toyed with.

Clues are great, but the greatest stress is losing your old life and having no explanations from those who took your life away with them.

What is the point of surviving if you are half dead and damaged?

This system works plain and simple: The people who get its full force either go insane or don't live very long. Everyone else has to keep their mouths shut or take part.

It might also be that 'that crowd' is a main perp group, like an acting troupe that comes into town and provides clandestine ops and psych warfare as a main core of the operation.

So my ex associate claims intergen connection. My dad's family has shady connections. My mother was a human experimentee... so what happened?

The problem with all this is that its so involved it just sounds like I am making it up. Other than the radiation experimentation I have no documentation..except for mold exposure. But all my claims cannot be backed up..but my memory is pretty good and I am not writing this for any other reason other than to get it down before I go.

I think its important people know the truth. The problem is will it matter? Will it even make a difference later? I will try to put it all together and make it spreadable, so if anything happens other TI's can keep it going.

Some bastard will probably wait until I am dead and just steal it. Pick the TI's bones.


I cant take this much longer. Its like someone wants me to confess everything I know with names. Even my disclosures here seem to get me relief. Also, my other blog with info about programming and mind control gets me relief. I get this 'I have done a good job' feeling whenever I post and its revealing. Why is it so important for this system to torture info out of certain targets?

I wonder if this is part of the behavior modification or just to get info out of people. Or just experimentation to prove that is works.

I recall in St Louise, and I know I have blogged about this, I experienced something akin to what would be waterboarding like torture to get info.. except it was done via helicopter. It came when I was sleeping on a couch. I was in a half sleep, then over me came a feeling that I was extremely nauseous, and finally that I was going to die. Since I was going to die anyway, the ideation noted, why don't I just reveal what was I really up to ( in other words I cant recall but that was the gist).

What was I thinking, feeling or my motives, deep deep down. Well, all they got was a visual of that dead spy in bed, who basically warned all other programmed people that there was going to be a coming after us all. (yes, we have the ability to understand things through each other that I suppose others don't know or don't get). That there was going to be a little housecleaning. My main objective or prime directive was just to stand up for all of us, or deal with that trying to get rid of us all. Then my other motive that I 'showed' them was a visual of my family, and with the words " I want who is really responsible"..of course I meant for selling me out. Those closest to me.
That was it really...and who ever was in that 'copter...reading someone is a two way street, and the impression I received was akin to a pilot who had seen a UFO and knew better than to go back to base with that story. It was like the person in that helicopter was going to leave and say he found nothing.. or else maybe I wasn't to be believed becuz they didn't hear and see what they wanted for their purposes.

There are other wondrous things that could be done at that in NV or NM, at the border there was this huge structure that the bus went through. It seemed to be able to get you to 'confess' what was deepest in your mind or what you were guilty about most, what you were hiding.
This is almost like what it feels like always everyday. It is like as a person I am now hooked into something where I cant hide what i am thinking, where I am 'read' all the time. All I know is its burning out my system, my mind and my emotions. Its destroying who I am as a person.. I suspect that is the motivation.

As far as I am concerned I have been so mistreated that I am happy to divulge the kind of shit that has been done to me. I hope they have to rebuild something or get made by the enemy...they deserve it.
Why is this country so f*cked right now? In a post I found there are these comments where people are saying shit that sounds like the whole country is being brought down on purpose for some insane God crap...that we are all one. Its very very self righteous bs. Basically a few commenters, and I have seen this before, are saying that THEY and their messed up group are going to let the country and certain people get taken down...then the PERPETRATORS OF those actions will have to pay. Very arrogant, very much 'we are on Gods team'. I have met some of these types in passing and I just wonder if they are not mind control drones ....dare I say of some insane vision of a new world. They have a belief system and no logic..they feel special. They act like they have inside info as to what is transpiring. And they always have to mention God. And its all about taking down the system...they also seem to know what is happening to me and coddle me or handle me. They do not like me mentioning that I dislike hardcore Christians around me.

I know little mind control victims when I see them. And hear them. Cult mc..same old story.

I am so sick of the wackos, the cult kids, the idiots, the sadists--its never anyone who can really think for themselves. And if you do have an intelligent conversation with them, you sense they are faking it...but I am among that population now anyway.

I think there was a time years ago before I got destroyed that I had a future somewhere if not here, where I could have been happy and around the people that I would have liked to have been around.

I am being made to feel that this is all temporary and things will change. But I am out of shape and old and my face is sagging now. I had a right to the remnants of my youth and my talents and my mind. No one should have taken those away...what is happening is that its the same idea as Ultimately whoever is doing this still wants a submissive..out of sexual torture. A happy compliant idiot, a born again mind controlled slave, except without the compartmentalization. A total perversion of the True Self....except with no perversions at all that are sexual or pleasure related.
Its like perverting who a person really is with purity. The making of a true slave.....reducing the person to the point of being happy just to serve or be a nothing. Beating them down until they expect nothing in life except that.

Now everyone should know that I will never let that happen. I will never give in. I am not now and never was a 'true' submissive or dominant. I was always a person with different sides to my personality. Why is it so important to choose to cut me down to being submissive?
Why is that encouraged, once again with this fake 'God presence' feeling that is especially male. That conveniently leaves me as I get outside the city limits... that stops at 12 midnight approx, that lets up in the train underground, that ceases in safe buildings like hospitals..

Can you see now why tech is so dangerous? To be able to go into someones mind to see what they are thinking and what is their most deep desire or see what is their deepest guilt they are carrying.
To try to convince them that God is abusing them and making it 'ok' so one should go along and become whatever this force wants one to become...convenient how its a docile submissive female who no longer thinks or has passions, or believes in herself any more.

If you treat people like animals....if you make submission pleasurable after beating someone down, if you reduce someones intel to below average, if you invite a portion of the nation in on it for whatever their reasons...
this is a dangerous use of technology.

This is the capacity for abuse. To keep slaves, to destroy and try to remake people. To control and rule..

All the conspiracy theories about a NWO... it doesn't seem to far off.

Didn't Bill Gates say that human intelligence is nothing special and that it can be replicated...which he of course will do someday. A huge network, an interconnected mind, that we will all be part of --a box in every living room.

We have come into an era where only certain people are going to be allowed access to life..or perhaps only certain people will be denied access to life. But there is obviously some kind of tech that helps with that.
I have already illustrated what exists as far as spying on peoples innermost.

The only reason I even believe my own story is that its too close to what they use for waterboarding..the description was too similar.

I assume I am simply supposed to be satisfied with this denial of life. That I should get to know my place and stay that way.

This is not GOD, this is whoever doesn't want me to talk about
1) my story with names
2) mind control and my recent experiences
3) trauma based mind control and programming/ any memories recovered.

Torture over asking for 'help'

Great, now I am getting this ideation that I was so wrong or for asking for help from someone out there..that I havent 'changed' and I just want money. Can you say full on behavior modification?

Purity and perfection. NO ONE can adhere to this..unless they internalize the shame and become guilty and become like the system seems to want them to. All this for what? I am here to tell you that I am here to
-impress no one
- defend myself and keep myself alive
-I am not here to cow tow to corrupt authority
-nor to lose my future and artistic abilities and the person I could have been all in order to give in and change in order to please some bizarre, controlling very seemingly sexist idea that I need to conform, give up artistic pursuit and become a born again virgin and a good little woman eventually.

It really feels like there is this insane control freak quality to this, and that its 'conform or die'. What the hell is this?? Is this about confession? I mean am I being tortured so that I just tell every thing that happened? Now you see why I knew I should have left here a few days ago, even with 50 bucks in my pocket. I could sense something coming down. It is really bad here now....I need to get out of the city.

Boston is very...strange right now. A few nights ago, (and this is NOT logical) its like a cold still and darkness came over the area. It was so black at night a few nights ago. There is a stillness that is very..disturbing. Activity around me seems to have ceased...

If this is my own death it would rather be a relief....but it feels like something to do with the city, the area.