Spirit in Black

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Please be advised that this written work is theory. It's theorizing, pondering and amateur research. For legal reasons I state that I have no actual belief in these theories as fact, if I did I would have sought legal recourse. Until that occurs this blog can only be considered theory. If it does then any and all actions PAST AND FUTURE that have been taken against me during the years producing this work will be labeled war crimes under international law and any other legal protections that apply.
I am a writer, an activist and artist. I claim my RIGHT TO EXIST legally under US Constitution and international law.

This is an educational blog for awareness as well as sometimes a telling of candid personal experiences to demonstrate theories as they might be experienced by a person who theoretically is existing under such conditions. Thus the 'candid' expression, poetic license and marketing myself as product or character. This is NOT a journal or diary.
Being a reasonable person of sound mind if I had concerns for my safety or others I would take responsible action for self care as my established medical history can demonstrate.
Any actions taken against me by others questioning my sanity or competence based on my produced work will be construed as activist/dissident intimidation and whistle blower retaliation and proper legal action will be taken against you by my family and support system.

Be warned that no further interference with my production of meaningful work as an artist and activist will be tolerated.

Monday, August 31, 2009

A 12 step guide to recovery for misfits, freaks, & weirdos

There is a book I found that, if you insist or have to be in 12 step recovery program, it may make it easier for those who find that giving up thier personalities or becoming conservative/selling out is not going to be part of thier recovery process.

In a certain drug 12 step there has been a change in the text that basically pushes people to become 'responsible law abiding citizens' opposed to the older version that suggested becoming more spiritual.

This book may be helpful to those who do not feel that they need to drop thier creativity, lose thier claws or fangs.
I was exploited badly by family when I became newly clean due to society making me feel that I had to drop certain parts of myself formed through life experience. Recovery is naturally like this anyway.

If you can help it dont give up your defenses in early recovery or totally give in to that newborn babe feel becuz some people will exploit it.  (I now realize it was what we call 'perps' in gang stalking [people who know things about us they should not] that used to call me 'Cinderella' during this period. And with good reason. My family...ugh.)

Sunday, August 30, 2009

PTSD, memory and opiates

I believe I have posted this before about PTSD and opiates.

That I read an article (which I will find again believe me) and from experience just a small amount of certain opiates used medicinally can heal or make PTSD somehow 'better'.
And I am talking about a very small amount. Minuscule compared to what they would give you in a hospital setting for pain (and I am talking pharma quality).

I discover this every time that I am given an opiate by a physician.

I had not had anything lately that warranted me getting opiates and sure enough my memory has been fading and so have I. Constant torture from memories...its so sad becuz I was healed so much when they came after me.
And I felt I had found ways to heal myself more so even.

In cases like mine the point of gang stalking is to erase memory further, make the person depressed and fearful of doing anything or expressing themselves,(furthering all efforts at behavior modification) and make hyper vigilance so constant that nothing in life seems enjoyable- eventual suicide.

People who are trauma based mind control survivors from childhood already have PTSD..anyone with PTSD already is going to be a prime target for the perps becuz the torture system is already in place. The gang stalking system adds new and awful memories to someone who is already damaged and most likely has been or will be seeking healing at some point.

This is how lives are ruined ..internally.  And like a soldier most victims feel there is something about their story that the general public cannot understand nor would want to hear.  

Think of TI's..most of us keep our stories and situations quiet around most people we deal with..its too dangerous as most people are not familiar with such levels of corruption being 'real' (unless they are in law enforcement or crime).

Opiates seem to calm the system and make things not such a threat.
I can tell you that the effect on me now is very different from when I was younger and not damaged strictly from gang stalking..alot of the damage then was internal from childhood.

The price I pay today is a lung infection that got me put on cough medicine immediately..its worth it. I had forgotten how much this drug repairs the damage.


I could not figure out in the beginning(2004)  why it was so important to make me out to be drug seeking, threatening my doctor in the hallway and such when all I had come in for was a cold or something. I really thought it was something in connection to my ex and his really stupid and clumsy rich kid friends trying to frame me in relation to thier drug busts (I was told in not so many words that they attempted just that and that they are "stupid")

..but when such behavior by medical professionals follows one across the country..uh something is wrong.

Also being treated cruelly continued consistently.

A person with so many memories of torture becomes overwhelmed and it seems impossible to get help..especially if they tried to get help at a key point in thier lives and THAT is when the system came after them the hardest.

This being overwhelmed makes the person keep entertaining suicide as the only answer, that or throwing thier lives away or worse...

in the case of a TI one of the 'alternatives' is to give in to behavior modification...a fate certainly worse than death.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

White Trash?

Someone was talking to me about why I seem to get harassed by men when I travel. There is a difference between organized harassment and a bunch of predators messing with a lone traveler..and I have been at this long enough to tell the difference.

He said something interesting that I had not considered. 
"maybe they see you sitting there and say to themselves ' theres easy pickins or  white trash ' ".. to that effect.  What I found interesting is that I never once thought of myself as white trash-ever. In my whole life it has never crossed my mind.

That is a term that people with connections to the south use (like those with relatives there or blacks) and cant be taken too seriously by Bostonians- especially with any consideration of the Irish culture there.
Becuz it sounds very much like something that an Anglo type would use in thier way to put down the Irish or Catholics in general.  Its just not a term I heard frequently used 'up north'. 

And considering  most of my ancestors came here, sponsored, to work as house servants in old money houses the term doesnt apply anyway.  

And I could tell you stories of some people with money who have such unbelievable 'trashy' and nasty habits..but somehow that does not apply?

The snob culture that has flourished in this country around new money especially and the upper middle class (so desperate to prove they are better) since like the late 70's is a consumer culture dream. People are convinced that this makes thier worth so it is ALL they focus on. 

Our culture now has plenty of celebrities but seems to resent 'stars'. Hollywood produces much crap and little quality. High volume corporate sameness.
Like reality TV this is basically to convince the masses that THEY are in charge and they are the stars...its a logical turn to take becuz the public would not have been satisfied with thier old roles as listeners and viewers very long with the movement towards  tech in thier hands...but its purpose is to make sure that tech is used for selfish, self glorifying ends- not for activism or Rodney King like vids(which was a movement for a while bringing media to the people but it was co opted by the big industries in subtle ways to ensure the 'peoples media' did not become in opposition to corporate media.)

However, I have to now consider that this is exactly what people have been trying to use against me or pigeon hole me into. 

Considering also that I am fairly attractive, smart and had multi talents and was very into self improvement I dont see how that term applies to me.
My tastes seem to naturally be those of someone with wealth..and not just new money. I mean I would turn my back on the new Jaguar becuz it is made partially by Ford now and has lost its aesthetics becuz it no longer LOOKS like a Jaguar cat. I simply find it boring and distasteful. The thrill, the meaning of the car is gone-yer dealing with MEANINGLESS status.  

And me having those qualities would make it possible in a country like the USA to naturally become upwardly mobile.
So why do I live on the street?

You see now how a term like that or a view of someone is basically to cover for gang stalking. If you keep someone down or keep them from expressing themselves then people can enforce such a stereo type.

Once again knowing about gang stalking makes the target able to see in the end its just more deception from the system or organized stalking and harassment..only the TI knows why the system has targeted them.

And this is why this term is laughable in relation to ME.

However, it is always valuable to know what the enemy is thinking and what perceptions are being formed of the TI to serve up to the public.

DJ AM dead via the allowed deceptions of a corrupt by nature industry/PC kills 

Another one associated with  this lying corrupt industry has died due to its deceptions.

When are people going to see that corruption and crime are now hidden under a veil of NA, supposed cleaned up law enforcement  and reality TV that is just behavior modification using shame, intimidation, harassment and total invasion of privacy?

If you think that a 'recovery culture' can change the nature of artists in just a few short decades (when artists have been around since cave paintings and primitive music making with natural objects) you are dead wrong.
The entertainment industry takes people who are sensitive, self absorbed, spiritual and basically psychic or healers and whores them for what they can get out of them.
The entertainment industry destroys the natural state of the artist.
I have talked to people in this industry and still they claim that they give you enough stipend for drugs to kill yourself on.

Nice try in good PR but this industry is steeped in crime and always will be. The recent attempts of all corrupt-by-nature industries (police, entertainment, even porn) to make themselves seem somehow 'clean' and socially acceptable should make people MORE wary of continued corruption.

And why are people so concerned with what the hell you or I or the other guy is doing nowadays?
Becuz the people cant control thier govt anymore via criminals using it for thier own ends blatantly, becuz they were intimidated into a puritanical state of mind, becuz they're environment is going to sh*t someday soon and they now realize it- after not listening for 40 plus years.

Most of all connected people want to continue to get away with what everyone else is not supposed to be able to so they have to become very quiet about doing it....and they need cover.

It seems that if you help the system that brainwashes the people YOU can pretty much do as you please.

We need less psuedo hard ass reform and more compassion and sympathy mixed with sensibility (being sensible is out of fashion obviously). Also we need more of 'mind your own business' not a spying culture where only those who are connected or have the most money get entertainment from others follies or downfalls.

Deception will never end so you better stop wishing and trying for a perfect world like a bunch of nosy control freaks and form a good bullshit-o-meter internally every time you look at something....stop accepting things at face value.  
By the way the constant threat of Political Correctness only HELPS this kind of thing by providing a good cover as long as you do and say the 'right' things.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

book: Psychological Warfare in the Intifada

"Psychological warfare is a touchy subject in western democratic societies. It raises the spectre of Nazism and totalitarian methods of mind control, ..."
Thus the constant doubt TI's receive.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Claims of pedophilia used as harassment/ intimidation

This is a common problem for alot if TI's...unfortunately it can ruin a persons psych (mind) over time and is very damaging when put upon the victim in the beginning of the campaign..

Psych Harassment Info Assoc

...especially if the person is a survivor of any abuse.  This really screws up any healing they were getting.
In very complicated targeting situations, this will often damage someone who is starting to remember people and things that perpetrators would rather they not. 

I have seen that one of the ends that gang stalking is going for is to induce so much damage that a sort of anmesia occurs out of terror or actual brain damage erases memories--permanently.
(This is why people who are stupidly vigilante are useful to the ever deceptive and much smarter, stealth and very expereinced abusers and crime rings of abuse--useful idiots is all they are.  They actually HELP destroy a victim who was most likely getting healed or going in that direction or was a threat to perpetrators or an abusive biological family becuz they are dumb enough to believe slander and bad PR campaigns..the real career criminals are sophisticated enough to know who the victims and perps are--this is why crooked law enforcement on all levels is so valuable to crime rings.)

Under less complex circumstances it is simple psych warfare via bad PR campaign. Its terror.

This is one of those things that is so nice to finally see in print so you can feel validated.

I have this site as a link but if you never clicked on it this is a page you should see.

Monday, August 3, 2009

had to leave my new situation/ a sad break in Oregon

As often happens people are  very different out on the road than at home.  My road dog turned out to be a total drunk at home. I got attached to his kid which was the worst of it as I am sure today he has to tell the kid I left.

I stormed out last night. I realized that the situation was not conducive to getting anything done.  Another person  who is going to take advantage of me being alone and him having a support system..even though that support system is a bunch of 22 year olds basically most of which are apathetic/angry kids.  I have found this new culture interesting but most of its members are far too young to understand all that life is about even with thier life experience, which of course is why a 32 year old drunk can be supported by such a culture.

I think that was upsetting as well.  They claim to be anarchists- they claim to be rebelling against the system. Here I am at 38 being forced into this new lifestyle by a system of covert oppression as well as a lifetime of it. When I left as well as when I stayed there I saw signs that the way I had become after years of torture, the way I dealt with crisis etc was not respected.
 I am trying to go against some of the most truly corrupt parts of our system in this country while they seem to focus on shock value and bad attitudes and being in part supported by the system itself.

Becuz of the age gap I didnt really understand this scene and was attracted to its permissiveness and rebelliousness and creativity.  I was comfortable with their aggression being from a northeast city in the USA.
But they never seemed to be really tackling the systems problems and there was a certain amount of apathy I did not understand. Becuz of thier age group being cool is just soooo important and often they have alot of life experience and lack wisdom or understanding about other things that life may bring.

I met someone last night who is the same age and miraculously the conversation turned out to be just what I needed. He hated the scene. He was angry for me being even intrigued by it.
He told me that there are many in his generation who are doing more by bringing thier value system to labor than by avoiding the system. That nowadays you can go against the establishment via the work you do not avoiding work altogether. He told me of many of his friends and impressive ways they are fighting major companies and systems.
I was  impressed and also regained some of the confidence taken from me by the gang stalking system.  Becuz this is exactly the kind of life I was formulating for myself when I was shoe horned out of my apartment and my life by harassment and stalking and corruption. 

It seems I was on the right track all along. And I have always known that but as you know being a TI and isolated the system will try to make you truly buy into the idea that you are not only ineffective but mistaken or stupid. 
Seeing this I just wonder if, outside of the reasons people like me get targeted specifically, could it be for major social control as in making sure you control as many true dissidents as possible especially before they formulate and execute a plan?   

This morning I recalled how my dad used to take abandoned apartments in Cambridge and wire up the electric and all the utilities back in the late 60's early 70s. Now I think about it technically my parents were 'squatters' before they had me.  I always wanted to sort of forget about that but now I realize this is probably why I find them interesting.  Thier scene is too streamlined and about fashion sometimes  but young people will do this with an ideal of 'tribe'. I suppose that is what they have turned it into is something tribal.

 this guy is another total manipulator who brought me home to a chaotic situation and then made me feel bad for him, that he needed help after whining about his situation constantly.
He had asked to go to a punk show in some park in Portland OR yesterday and left me with his kid all day and all night. This had become a pattern. Drinking was the priority in his life I found and through manipulation he got me into the position of caretaker and babysitter..but then to WHINE about it to your 18-22 year old friends when I show signs of insecurity by being just a bit worried..alot??!!! Look what the fuck I have been through!  Also I havent cared about a man or friends or family for years and for some reason I was attached to this man and his child.  He was one of those special people you just feel for and cant explain why.

For my situation my reactions were normal and the only reason the kids co sign his bullshit is becuz they are still at an age where rebelling against mom or structure is attractive.

Manipulative drunks and addicts do this to others so they can take the focus off thier own sh*t as well as squeeze some life out of someone for awhile and then have a convenient way out when its over.  Its the kid I feel bad about most. He told me he is used to people leaving them anyway..nice.

I will not do the blame game again. I had to go through that with the ex who found lots of women haters and other f*ck ups to support his idea that he was blameless and everything in the relationship was my fault. I saw that quick enough this time and got out sooner than later I guess.

Some 18 year old told me to take it inside when I told B. off..idiot.  I will not be told anything by some 18 year old.  She wouldn't last 5 min as a TI and if she had to deal with any of the expereinces of being from a tbmc survivor background she would know that true power is often veiled masked or hidden. Arrogant little bitch.
These kids understand violence readily and they really believe that this makes them tough.  You're a spoiled rotten bitch not an anarchist honey. She was surrounded by a little crew of cuuute.
These kids are often scary but being through what I have in life I sort of just amused by thier psychopathic  natures. Good for protection.  

Most people I dont care how tough they appear could never withstand what survivors of tbmc go through or even TI's for that matter.  Its a program of tailored psych warfare and its brutal and often deadly.  When you are younger its kept to low levels to keep you controlled and so you dont really notice the reality of your circumstances. Then when its time to get rid of the person the heat is turned up and they dont know what hit them, and a threat of a label is intimated heavily so disclosure will be discouraged.

What also intrigued me was how many people I met who seem like they might be young TI's and not know it or be talking about it.

One kid who was ok to me and not scary seemed to be a rich kid whos dad was abusive to the point of him having to cut contact to survive.  Often kids from wealthy families have little recourse as thier families are influential.
A friend of this crowd the other day said something interesting..that he seems to meet people who end up fucking him over. Yes this could be that his own personality or actions bring this on but I just wonder if its becuz he knows too much about how sick and f*cked up some very important people are in a certain profession.  Imagine if the worlds abused \wealthy kids gave testimony to how sick alot of professionals are and thier families etc. 
People in our society like the imagine that money makes for better people but through the years I have seen evidence against that. They get away with thier abuses more often that is all. And just like any other class thier are sick f*cks, jerks and decent people and all in between. Our society is delusional about money.  It makes a hard life easier, it does not fix life.

It is interesting how a break with my own life has made it so hard to understand the lives of young people today. I just never had the chance to follow along as changes came as society changed. 
It is comforting to know that there is still rebellious youth, obnoxious and apathetic or otherwise productive.

I can fade away a bit happier now a bit more satisfied.  Its such a nice contradiction to all the kids who were involved in the harassment in Boston who were outright cruel to me and obviously on the side of the oppressor.
Thier day will come...I hope squatter kids scare the shit out of them whenever possible.  Especially BU kids.
get I generalizing? It would be shocking to see I had sympathizers there at all, but its possible.

Its nice to meet helpful people but I still feel the break with my own life sharply and its not done yet. Not over.  

This is why there needs to be laws to give a TI some ways of defending themselves.  So any group cannot just destroy one person utilizing covert warfare.