Spirit in Black

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Please be advised that this written work is theory. It's theorizing, pondering and amateur research. For legal reasons I state that I have no actual belief in these theories as fact, if I did I would have sought legal recourse. Until that occurs this blog can only be considered theory. If it does then any and all actions PAST AND FUTURE that have been taken against me during the years producing this work will be labeled war crimes under international law and any other legal protections that apply.
I am a writer, an activist and artist. I claim my RIGHT TO EXIST legally under US Constitution and international law.

This is an educational blog for awareness as well as sometimes a telling of candid personal experiences to demonstrate theories as they might be experienced by a person who theoretically is existing under such conditions. Thus the 'candid' expression, poetic license and marketing myself as product or character. This is NOT a journal or diary.
Being a reasonable person of sound mind if I had concerns for my safety or others I would take responsible action for self care as my established medical history can demonstrate.
Any actions taken against me by others questioning my sanity or competence based on my produced work will be construed as activist/dissident intimidation and whistle blower retaliation and proper legal action will be taken against you by my family and support system.

Be warned that no further interference with my production of meaningful work as an artist and activist will be tolerated.

Friday, January 30, 2009

PTSD and suicide/ vets and ptsd

This video is something I want to pass on anyway.
Personally I never had patience for people messing with vets. Its a simple barter. They gave something and so you owe them for a sacrifice.
Why are the vets listed killing themselves as such?? I cannot believe that we still live in a society that still insists on conditioning people to be able to kill other humans which is naturally against human nature (unless the beef is personal or your a murderer by nature) normally, then is not deprogramming them. Its unbelievable to me...but then we would have to admit to the existence of mind control being real and cant have that.

For my other purposes it demonstrates also another factor in why TI's commit suicide.

I know that it seems to figure into many TI's profile and also is used against us by the perps making sure that they create as many new memory clips as possible. This just grinds us down mentally until we cant take it anymore. Along with society seeming to not care or even hate us, and the personal job they do on us with shaming and humiliation the formula is lethal.

Survivors of programming: if you are targeted for this reason then PTSD is part of you already anyway. The perps will work on that part of the internal system. You know that it is what carries commands over the years... Over and over and over. Its the ptsd that runs them over and over again. This is the same system that the perps exploit by making sure they create many new traumatic memories and attach other things into the system to make it so you are running memories of perps insulting you over and over multiple times a day. Sexuality is used once they hook into that, they can add this into the formula as a stressor.
What they are doing is running you into the ground emotionally and mentally with this system that used to be for thumbnails used in the internal systems programming.
Your own system then destroys you and no one knows but you and the perps.
This is also why if you were not diagnosed before with PTSD then your doc may turn on you and do so. If they add something bogus like other mental illness or paranoia you are going to be likely watched as someone who is going to 'snap'.


If you are targeted likely you have little control over tech issues. Do the best you can to negotiate with all interface systems. YOU are the (or have a) master programmer internally and dont ever forget it.

Allright sistas..I need yo advice. Is this a good cause for some woop ass? Or just some sistas bein ignent?(RACE in gs)

Hey, I grew up in the inner city for a few years as a child. My Ebonics may be rusty. is believed if reported by a white person. Hmmm. I want to see that becuz then it would set a precedent...and if it sets it for a white person I promise we will also set it for a 'black' person as well.
This post is very suspect in nature...
Firstly, why is it funny? Hmmm. Not a good intro. Then we have the other commentator which claims that there is race involved. All Targets know that gs spans over race, class and other usual boundaries. Most people have very..uh, 'diverse' perps. In fact we all do...THAT IS HOW WE KNOW WE ARE TARGETED INDIVIDUALS. (DUH).

If we were harassed by a specific group then we could narrow it down a bit.

NONE of us get validated...I wish we did. TI's have one thing in common. We have redesigned classification of people...even the biggest racist would have to call another TI family if he was serious about getting anything done about the problem. In war no one has the time to focus on differences. This is covert war..we are a group of people spread out over the world all getting similar treatment.

And ALL people 'in on' this are gloating jerks. Even people who just KNOW about it are gloating jerks.
Imagine every sexist being thrilled becuz the Target was an aggressive independent female or someone smart and attractive. Yes, a racist will be thrilled if the target is of a race they do not like. Like every black hater who thinks my being targeted is a great way to finally get back at whitey or even a score or some shit.

People are cowards. Instead of realizing that gang stalking people is in itself really fucked up and destructive they use the actions of this system to also get off on their own personal sexists love when women get targeted, racists enjoy whatever race they hate on, pedophiles who have to stay out of trouble somehow love to harass adult victims, cops and fire types can go on whatever has been done to vilify the target so that satisfies something in them....everyone MAKES EXCUSES FOR THEIR PERSONAL TASTE FOR THE GANG STALKING EXPERIENCE. Some people even make it like its about it was necessary. But they all take some personal pleasure in being mean to the person. It makes them feel like they have continued power as well as it seems to bond communities.



This is not about race. Here is a website from a black woman:
and my blog has '1996' a book by an African American woman who is a TI. There is a vid by a black man called "Life of a TI" on here as well.

Race issues can be left right at the door when it comes to gang stalking. If you let race become a focus you will fall into the perp tactic that tries to get the TI to start blaming a certain faction for targeting them. Also, its a diversion.

A person can take only so much. If you needed to put up borders due to being so mentally destroyed that you started avoiding certain races or whatever, I of all people certainly wouldn't blame you. If you had to start trashing women or whites or men or whatever becuz you were targeted no one would blame you...BUT THE PERPS WHO ORIGINATED AND CONTINUE THE BAD PR CAMPAIGN(S) WILL USE THIS AGAINST YOU. Your best bet is to adhere to other TI's and keep any personal beliefs out of it.

You have to realize that whatever you stand for as a person that is positive WILL BE IGNORED OR USED TO PERP ADVANTAGE AS WEAKNESS. Whatever you stand for that is negative or is an area of personal growth you need to work on THEY WILL USE THIS FOR THE BAD IMAGE CAMPAIGN AND THEY WILL TRY TO AGGRAVATE THIS AREA FOR YOU AND MAKE IT WORSE.

A link to 'super pills'

These are pills that are being created that block the pleasure centers. Stopping hedonsim seems important nowadays.

What struck me about this post is that TI's have depression, nightmares and commit suicide.
Not only does this validate that we are having problems due to what we have been through..not some pre existing disorder, it also raises the question if this too is the reason for our being human experimentees.

Could it be that someone wants to see what happens when you coral a hedonist?? Someone who used to be an addict or seems to still have addictive behaviors?? That they have gone after say, someone like me, not realizing that I am a tbmc survivor and victim witness?? Instead of some addict they can experiment on?

It also shows that TI's suffer from having their pleasure pathways blocked. THIS is why its so painful. And we are in pain everyday...what makes it more painful is that no one seems to care.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

How a TI can be valuable to others

You are a pawn. You are for trade.

One of the hardest things is to watch everyone around you, most of whom are likely scumbags, get ahead in life where you get tortured and terrorized probably to death. If not to death then you will have your personality die and have to live like the living dead. A broken person pretending to go thru life normally. No one has the right to demand this of you.

Over the past eight years it seems that the last administration decided who was of value and who should be sold off for sacrifice. Of course all the rich kids around me made my expense of course.

The sell out of the Target has to be so total and so many involved that the person is expected, if they live, to 'know their place' in the end. This is why its arrogantly expected of the victim to just move on. After the conspiracy or plot of evil design has been executed and you have been dragged thru the mud everyone just acts like nothing happened. People handle you and smile in your face to add to this affect.

But remember...for them to have used you as a pawn you must have some value. Why were you desirable to get rid of? What was it that you knew or that you provided to the system that it wanted?

No one has the right to destroy you so that you are altered as a person then tell you to just move on. Unless its right by might..that they have the network of powerful and rich people and well...they just can.

True enough but there must be something about the person that makes them valuable to begin with. Moreso than the people you see getting rich or moving up in life becuz of you the sacrifice. There are people that I knew that wouldn't be where they are today to the point they are unless they sold me out. And alot of people I mean it seems like most of the nation got in on this.

Why are we so unprotected? Becuz the people around us are the kind that would sell us out to begin with.

You realize that people just don't care. They have no refinement or talent so they have to watch someone truly 'special' get destroyed. And if you have survived this long you are more bad ass and powerful than any one of these individuals ever could be.

IT HAS LARGELY TO DO WITH THE LAST ADMINISTRATION. They seemed to have orchestrated alot of what happened to me at least. In 2003 my life just got hijacked and the war was used to destroy me...alot of people hid their corruption under the diversion of war.

But the arrogance involved is what shocks me. There are ways of getting rid of someone for business purposes then there is pure arrogance and over privilege. The two are unprofessional to mix and besides such business hits of persons should never be viewed by the public as entertainment. This is sloppy and careless at best.

When I am told that I had to be made manageable for reasons of business that may be partly true but people took such joy in it that it isn't very classy at all. Who takes joy in a hit?? Just kill the person and be done with it..what the fuck is wrong with you anyway?? So there is more to this than just making me manageable. Most of the people involved didn't even know whats the personal beef then??

No one that is weak and helpless becuz they are trying to grow or any other vulnerable moment should be exploited at such a time in life.

The whole country is now paying for what they have done to us over the past eight years. And they will continue to pay...unfortunately the wealthy and connected will be fine during this bad economy and they know this. It is going to be harder to get at them or find ways to punish them for thier part in this nation wide if not world wide nightmare.

This is why also its very important to make the TI one dimensional or do bad PR on them. So that the public, whatever faction is in on it, can feel that they aren't really murdering someone. That they are either just observing as voyeurs or that the Target deserved it or even feel that the target is not like them or human.

Targets should keep in mind, for life, who our enemies are. These people honestly believe that they are better than us or they will validate what they did by believing the bad PR.

Our stories may never be believed, but its not our problem. The truth is all that matters and it is my job and I hope yours to as a victim of human rights violations that have left you destroyed and crippled as people to make sure the truth is preserved. It is the only thing that will destroy your enemies...if they are rich and connected they have all manner of deception and cover at their disposal. They have used such things well over many years to get where they are today and are not going to let the likes of YOU get in their way. Remember you were targeted becuz you dont 'matter'. Or you mattered more as a corpse to a few people (also a corpse might be a silenced living person) than you did alive to anyone.

You have been altered. You have had you lifes energy taken from you. You have been robbed. You have had your talents and opportunities taken away from you. Mostly you most likely have had your freedoms taken away unjustly.

Just because a bunch of rich assholes with cops and DA's in their pockets (or blackmailed) decide you'd be fun as a victim doesn't make it ok what they have done. Just becuz they act like this is 'they way it is' doesn't mean that it IS THE WAY THEY HAVE LEFT IT. What they have done they have done for themselves.
Rememeber YOU didn't matter. If you are still breathing then you can make yourself matter....I don't care how big the monster is collectively...what are they gonna do- kill you ??HA HA HA they should have shown the mercy to have done that to begin with like REAL businessmen..but they chose torture and behavior modification for entertainment to make themselves feel like big men and superior women.

Now that administration is gone now. Gitmo is closing and the war will end most likely...and this is why it was very important for them to hide their actions under the cover of war time activities. THEY CAN NOW TRY TO CLAIM THAT WHAT THEY DID TO YOU IS OVER AND ENDED JUST LIKE THE WAR WILL BE AND ALL THE HORRORS OF THE LAST YEARS.

However, you are not a soldier and that was not Iraq. What was done to TI's involved their fellow citizens and there was never any declaration of war. Besides most likely you didn't deserve were most likely profitable in some way being exploited as well as needed to be gotten rid of. The fact that police and other supposedly trusted authorities were in on this and that the ones who were took such pleasure in what they were doing with the highest level of arrogance shows that this was not normal.
YOU WERE TARGETED. And this is the real reason why. Becuz these are the actions of people who want to destroy someone for pleasure. That is really the bottom line in all this. They need to take human lives in this way, to see someone destroyed. If they did not partake then THEY would feel they dont matter and that is not what any predator will allow.

To destroy someones life when you are a policeman or a lawyer or a social worker or a judge or a fireman you are then a liar every time you go to work. I truly believe that these people are indeed in a large group or network across the country and the world. Only the group matters and its members and their ends. Justice isn't real, the world they live in isn't real, what they do for a living isnt real. THEY aren't real as people.

How else other than a cult mind control mentality or at least a group of criminals who bond together for mutual profit and protection could they pull this off?? Any cop who indulges in organized stalking is not protecting anyone but himself and the criminals involved. The only people who ever cared about a TI are the ones who have told us the truth about what is going on.

Not the perpetrators, not the handlers who keep trying to convince you that you'll be fine or that you have to get used to disappointment in life. If the group mentality is that strong among humans that all reason and justice are thrown out the window when some idiots snap their fingers and give the get go, then this world will never be worth living in. EVER.

You becoming a cooperative inmate after being beaten down is not 'growing up' as they would like to brain wash you into thinking. And if you did need to grow then it should not have been to be dumbed down by brain damage or damage to the physical body or destruction of the finer emotions.

When the people who care about you abandon you and help betray you you will never be able to bond with humans again in the same way...that is extremely damaging and its the number one reason we commit suicide. You have had people who were closest to you turn on you and become the worst destroyers you have ever known...this is not normal. What has been done to a target is so destructive that the system hopes the person will be so traumatized that they will become docile and cooperative.

In this day and age people enjoy smack downs--they think its cool. As long as its from a safe vantage point for these wimps. The culture of exhalting the ametuer, the group member or the wimp is very popular now. They loathe anything special or unusual.
Its like their pathetic attempt at Satanic Communism....I have watched this go down over the years and I am versed enough to know that that is exactly what they are going for.

These are the idiots who think this will bring world peace. True individualists focus on just that individuality. What you have now is nothing more than an out of control cult mentality and as long as everyone plays the game with this new idiot movement they will be rewarded not being targeted and they can still think they are superior as a group member becuz they singled out and destroyed someone who was special or just an individual.

Look around you. How different is the world compared to years ago. People are zombies now. It isn't normal...its like that movie the body snatchers. There is something wrong with this.

Humans are so easily conditioned its a joke. And the intimidators know this.

Well if you are a TI who has survived and are reading this then obviously you wont be simply intimidated.
The shocking thing is always that your family and friends would so easily sell you out as well as human experimentation is involved. It leaves all sorts of disturbing how long has this been going on anyway. Was this from birth or what?

I think that if you are a Target there is a good chance some of you..alot of you can find that you have been of value for exploitation to alot of people for some time now..even before it was obvious. And for survivors of tbmc you need to read up on how this works. How they stalk and watch kids if not family members before that.
Think of how much money could be made or of what use could be naturally dissociative perfectly built women with pretty faces who were highly intelligent and creative.
This slave trade is very very real...but that is the origin of some targets troubles.

What is the worst for alot of us is that a large amount of complete strangers seem to be able to get from us what loved ones were taking from us perhaps by falsely claiming affection for us. What has happened to alot of us over the past years is worse than being surrounded by an abusive small was a damn free for all. And the fact that those close to us did nothing or even took part is just too much to even think about.

This is why too the mind controlled TI is seen as stupid. The whole thing is so ridiculous.
If anyone ever says TI's are weak they are saying that as more excuses to get away with their actions.
If you are a survivor of tbmc then you fear for your life basically and always have....even when you did not understand that is why you can be so easily be controlled by certain people. In order to live through any of this however, one would have to be almost superhuman by either design or birthright. Do not be fooled. Why do you think that the perps have to come after targets with such superior intelligence capabilities and in such large numbers..and furthermore why must the person be kept alive?? Why not just murder the target??
Something is going on here, and its connected to something very ancient but also it seems that human experimentation would make it a work in progress.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


In 1996 I became clean and sober. I had been working with a woman and a few other people who were involved in the adult entertainment industry. At this point I was urged by my mother to move into her parents house with her. I should have been in another structured program as changing behaviors one is conditioned to express takes re conditioning. This is what the 12 step programs refer to a 'a new way of life'.

I moved in and people in early recovery have lost alot of the personality that was formed while 'on drugs'. Often they are taken advantage of easily as they are like newborn babies. My abusive controlling family was exploitative and it seemed my mother just wanted me there to act as a buffer between her and her abusive father...the scapegoat role that exists in abusive families.

I was stubborn and went to 2 meetings a day in order to make sure their negativity didn't get to me.

During this time I finally started to realize how sick our family really was, along with some info I had obtained years ago from my fathers family. There was alot of regression and denial. There was alot of focus on me instead of on the dynamics between the three of them that were true measures of their relationship. I had some eccentric habits but they were actually coping skills as well as things that would preserve my separateness from the dynamics of the family.

What has always been suspicious to me is the meanness, ill treatment and negligence by therapists and such. I was always stonewalled, handled and really at the core not sympathized with. If I wanted to convert my creative abilities from coping skills to outwardly producing work as an artist this was the early stages of attempting that...later I would realize that it is par for the course to hide the abuse that goes on to people working in or with the adult industries by denying them the ability to grow up and understand themselves. The people I had worked with were connected to some powerful people and dealt with mostly wealthy men of some influence. Yet, the way the business was run reminded one more of a cheap fast food drive through opposed to something really big time. Also I was never forgiven I think for leaving the fold and always trying to get clean. I wasn't treated very well hereafter by my old associates.
At this point I was trying to stay away from them. There is no re conditioning programs like 12 step for this or I wasn't told about it.

I got a job at a convenience store that was owned in Waltham, MA by a man who paid us under the table and owned 2 stores I would later find out that neither was registered legally with the city..ever.
He seemed pretty friendly with cops and a man who I did not know who he was named Malone..who was really mean to me because at 26 just waking up I had no idea who he was. I don't know who the treasurer is ..unless he was a client MY DEAR and I don't care how many streets your family is named after. The people I grew up with would have thought I was cute because I didn't know who he was. Years later the local people from Watertown and Waltham would casually say something about how great a guy he was for being silent about some corruption with lottery business..but it was this attitude like he was their scapegoat and they just thought that this is how convenient their lives should all be. That others should go down for people all the time and take the much for the adoration of a rotten public. He should read Machiavelli's the Prince..the part about how the public should never be trusted due to the fact that all men's hearts are indeed black. I couldn't agree more.

This man who owned this store I found out later recorded every one's conversations on the phone and through the cameras in the store. I got bored one day and after reading an article where some rock and roll trust fund brat, who used to make fun of the real addicts in the scene, got a write up in the Phoenix about him shooting dope for like 6 months and all of a sudden he has all this to say about recovery and his 'addiction'. So I called my old associate to dish on this..she was still someone I figured one could talk to socially. Had for years anyway. I just didn't think it was a big deal, and nor did I know about this jerk's recording system until another employee told me later.
Right after a small cordial conversation of hello and goodbye with no content that was incriminating at all, the store owner starts to accuse me of still being involved in the adult industry and starts pushing me all the time to take rides from him or go home with him, especially during the time his wife is away. The poor woman was NOT attractive and gained all the less sympathy by being a mean bitch to women who worked there. Go take it out on the predatory lech honey, not me.
He accused me of using the job as a cover even though I worked 50 hours a week and my family had me mowing the lawn and doing house chores (of course my mother did none). Later I would realize that I was life long gang stalked and that the perps were the ones I would hear referring to me as 'Cinderella' in passing in public almost right to my face. I just didn't get it then.

I was working and trying to deal with all that goes with being nature I am a strong workhorse type and people take advantage of me being able to take on way too much pressure and work. Emotionally-that is the part no one sees in TI's and tbmc survivors..that we are dealing with that too internally.

So this jerk kept pressuring me and I kept saying no. He seemed to enjoy harassing women and having them fight back. Idiot. Then alot of the men in the store got involved, and it felt like an unsafe environment. ALot of the patrons were from Polaroid where two of my relatives by marriage worked. I can imagine what was said from one of them to his buddies about my life style which of course they think its ok then because I have no support and family members OK the abuse or exploitation. This is one of the main reasons I am targeted heavily even now. People perceive they will not get into trouble because the woman has no one protecting her. So they think.

Then I started getting harassed at my grandparents home which I did not appreciate. It was a bunch of local kids stopping in a car under my window saying "Yer some kinda whore baby" and then lots of frequent drive bys from the same cars..a yellow corvette figured prominently driven by a woman. The thing about this is that this is not the first time that I had encountered this insult. It happened a few years earlier in Quincy but I was walking with someone who hung out with all sorts of..uh, colorful women anyway. The most disturbing example is when I was just a little girl at summer camp...these two local girls who were much older cornered me and were really mean just sitting there intimidating me by calling me that word and asking me if I knew what that word meant and even though I didn't 'thats what you are anyway'..I have seen gang stalkers who are children and I don't doubt that they harass other children who are targeted throughout life.

But also what started to occur were tactics like people stopping by the house outside and taking notes during the day near the kitchen window and at night stopped so they can look into my bedroom window. Real classic gang stalking. My mother said that they were most likely insurance detectives due to her current lawsuit ongoing.
What was strange is that my grandparents both laughed at the claim that people were taking notes occasionally in front of the house..they seemed to laugh and make fun of the claim in a very arrrogant and dismissing manner. How can one family member accept the existence of the action and one deny it as unreal? This would be a recurring theme between these two and it always let me know that something was wrong.

I also started to get cars going by that beeped twice. This became connected to the harassment that included insults about morality as aforementioned. This would continue anywhere in MA that I had a phone under my name or a lease. It would become clear to me too late I think that it figures very prominently as classical conditioning and is the most important part of hooking into my sex drive and turning it against me in order to control me thru shame and humiliation. This would only work along with other things in the gs formula but the beeping twice as an indication that many people thought I was a sex object to be subjegated or harassed would work like multiple rapes and it took about 9 years of it along with full blown gs for it to work.

And in favor of the gang stalkers is the disinfo that they could put out was that so and so lived in that house and she was whatever...even if I was doing something else. The public could be conned perhaps to partake based on the community policing con opposed to classical conditioning a target for other purposes.

After being targeted by overt tactics and such, I started to have panic attacks and wound up in the hospital with what I thought was a heart attack. I was told it was a panic attack and that I should get into the mental health system and see a psych for medication. I now see, and have heard from another alleged TI, that this is one of the ways to get a target into the mental health system and if anywhere along the way they do not behave or for whatever reason then they can be easily labeled. Its so obvious now that this is due to technologies or even the introduction of chemicals to the environment, as has been overtly done since 2003. I cant say for sure but from what I have read it sounds more like tech.
ALOT of targets say that things started happening in 1996.

And here is what else was happening for alot of us the following applies to: I didn't connect it then but do now. In 1995 my mother claimed that she had to drop out of a class action lawsuit involving the dept of energy and the radiation human experiments that went on during MK Ultra. My mother had done research over the years and found that some health ailments were common to survivors like her. She had been a baby when my grandparents both Marines, brought her to Bethesda Maryland Naval Hospital..the notorious MK Ultra Hospital with its awful history of suicides and murders connected to these projects. She received radium and radiation. She claims she was followed and thus dropped her part in the suit.
This saddened me as I saw her try to figure how this was part of her life for many years as well as go thru tragedies...she would also get what I consider gang stalking in a condo she purchased in Dracut MA.
She would be forced to sell and move back in with her mother again. The perps deserve whatever is coming. That is for sure.

What puzzles me to this day is why she never connected my harassment to the same projects..being a target there is so much there. There is much I don't know.
Perhaps as she stated on day, she got 'tired of fighting' and turned. She was older than me when this came to pass.

Then came other strange events like a leak across the street that resulted in me having bronchitis lungs had been damaged. Another NA person told me that I wasn't wrong and showed me an article on the line break. There were fire engines all over the place late at night. My family did not blink one eye to this which I cant figure if it was purposeful maliciousness (in on it) or if that is just the nature of people who live in denial. I think that they cant deal with anymore stress perhaps. Strange.

And there was anger towards my family before this..some a-hole who ran a chemical plant nearby had green stuff coming up out of the ground and my grandmother who was born in that damn house her father build with his own hands decided to take action. Yes, a whistle blower. She had to sign a gag order and she claims he threatened her life...uh, don't let me find this guy. By the way this is all second hand heresay and no names were provided nor documentation..but f*cker, u know who you are. Threatening little old ladies..for shame bastard, for shame. What a winner.

So Waltham years ago had become a tech center due to Rt.128 industry, but also it has become a cess pool of chemical pollution due to chemical companies. Not a healthy environment to begin with.

So dealing with all the pressures newly clean with no guidance, which is what I would have had in a program, I did my best but had no direction for the future..but still I was growing as a person.
My mother had not changed her abusive ways and I learned thru NA that I was separate from her and the family BS and did not have to take peoples crap anymore which is in part why people use. "Old people places and things"..that includes family not just old using friends. I got out the chair and the whip and made my mother learn that she could not threaten to 'slap the bitch' if she didn't get her way. With all her new found legal talk from multiple lawsuits it was amazing how no one ELSE seemed to ever have any rights. I would use the same legal logic she used to defend herself against her to defend myself and she hated it. She was the typical tyrant..this is not her doing but that is the way it is. All my efforts to break free from this family were seen as threats to her identity. I know now that it is all to avoid all her own memories. She would cry to my grandmother that she was losing her daughter becuz I wouldn't take her crap anymore. I just kept on track and was making lots of friends in NA.

In my 12 step groups I didn't really have alot of peers that shared my experiences that were my own age. They were all older people I could relate to. I don't know why more people my age weren't getting clean then..they all seemed to come in in trickles and later on. There were some kids my age but they seemed more straight...I don't know. But this program became my world. It is part of who I am today.
Still I was getting disillusioned with program after a point..I saw people who had been around for years still acting like jerks and it was all personalities NOT principles. If certain people had bad behaviors they would say things like that person was just another addict trying to get better. It didn't wash.
Still in NA there was the attitude that newcomers get alot of 'slack'..especially pretty 26 year old newcomers who look 20 I am sure. This program I would discover started out with the blue book that is more spiritual and then as this gave way to what is called the green and gold book it is more socially reforming and less spiritual evolution and co existing like AA. I can see from a mile away that AA is based on a Masonic system and in its perfect form it exists, in a state of grace, as the structure should always preserve. NA altered it so badly that the original 'formula' lost all its magic..also there is the criminal element as an inherent part of NA. You don't have to do anything illegal to buy a drink.
And I did not realize that so many trust fund kids from wealthy families were in these meetings. It would be a problem later.

The convenience job was too much, harassment was rampant. I quite on in Nov of 96. My family members would bitch about me leaving that it was right down the street. I ignored this as I knew that my family rarely saw things realistically due to being stuck in denial..or conditioning.

I had it with being sexually harassed and therapy didn't go fast enough..I went right back to my old associates because its all I knew I could depend on and it has alot to do with men harassing you to begin with. I believe now that all sex workers are victim witnesses and always will be tracked by a system that seeks to keep them down or put them back to work even if they want to heal and grow.
They would not be victims if the system saw them as free agents of power...some of us are never allowed personal power and one must ask why.

I wasn't treated too well as 'she' had a man re enter her life that is from a gold digging family and she had to start cutting corners to impress this man and keep him this time. She just turned on everyone that did not support this new endeavor and in order to break in, he made sure he undermined my competency at every turn. They made a great team of terrors and they deserve each other. Alot of my old associates showed signs of being targeted as well.

At some point I started having very bad pain and went in for surgery(which I shouldn't have) and found I had intersticial cystitis. The bladder is always red and inflamed and an attack or irritation is the most painful thing I have ever encountered in my life. I changed my diet and started taking Elmiron-a blood thinner with the side effect of coating the bladder. Later I would realize that when I moved to another state this condition would always disappear or be very managable. The doc was a professor from India who went right into research soon after. To this day I have my suspicions concerning the after affects from that surgery..I had endometriosis and they also did another scope to see if there was anything there.

Therapists weren't doing their jobs as usual. I had one that actually answered everything I asked with "Well, what do YOU think?". I felt so...stuck and struggling. NA was a comfort. The stalking and harassment sort of stopped when I started dating this guy in NA. A stalker himself but older now so sort of harmless. He supposedly was a leg breaker years ago.

I got into a job I loved at a video store. I went on assistance which I hated because I always prided myself on staying pretty much off the system no matter what I had to do because I had been on it as a kid and this was a chance to be around wealth and learn what I needed to move up in society. But the guy I was dating said "You are having health problems and you are having panic attacks so get on assistance". I hated was so damn weak. But I figured it was only temporary and someone mentioned you could go to school for free in MA and that is what sold me. I had always wanted to go to college.
Docs were trying every pill on a guinea pig. All of them had side effects that went from unpleasant to dangerous. Remeron made me feel like I was watching the world from far away and Celexa made the sidewalk go sideways..or dizzy or something. With all my surgeries, all the drug taking and whatever else was going on I think its insane to put people on drugs who are trying to come off of them. Besides the perfect cure for PTSD is opiates and anxiety and depression and the pain of endo and if you take enough you stop menstruating anyway. These drugs were shit and they had no basis in nature. Psych docs do not take a patients prior drug taking history into we don't know something about drugs. We wouldn't be alive if we did not. Again you must be 'fixed'. I didnt want to take anything as I recall..maybe they got me on kilonopin. I will have to look it up.
I ended up feeling very stupid and going to day programs with all these 'slow' people. Interesting as I see it now, I believe this is the beginning of the system regressing me to a child like state. certainly me moving in with my original abusive family was severely damaging. After years of gaining a sense of identity as an adult it was all lost here in this house. The keys to my emotional centers that my family members had were dangerous and I did not see this. New friends and old tried to warn me to 'get out of that toxic house'. I was so new to functioning differently and like I said there was no 12 step for leaving the adult entertainment industry. Years later I would start thinking this was a good idea to start one...that's when I got slammed along with everything else in 2004 or so. What is the system afraid of?

So I started to go downhill and I now see it was from being with my family and growing the wrong way in recovery due to their presence in my life. They did not seem grateful for my doing house chores and when my grandfather became sick with his 3rd heart attack my mother was asked to start helping around the house. She immediately started working late in order to move out sooner.
I tried to leave the video store and go to an office job, I think NA was making me alot more...socialized but in a bad way. I somehow got it into my head that I was office material and that I needed to 'grow up'. I guess at the video store and other places I was encountering alot of what I would call 'straight people'. This is an expression from the 70's drug culture I grew up with and it means that they not only don't get high they are unimaginative, uptight and not to be trusted. There is wisdom in that because I never felt comfortable around 'the straights'..the 'day people'. They had little experience with the way the world worked and seemed constantly caught in this dissatisfaction about life..but they seemed dissatisfied on like 100 different levels all at once and alot of it one could 'scan' or read that it was uncouncouse to them. This signals danger to me. It means they cant be trusted, its means they are unhappy and dont know it-they are dangerous types who are so stupid about knowing their dark sides that they will inevitabvley act out from those depths and try to cover for thier actions. People who have never investigated or are unfamiliar with themselves are confusing and uncomfortable to be around.
They seemed so disatissfied but wouldnt do anything to change that in life. Back in my day as a party person in the 90's there were things that you could expect a doper to do. Like steal from you if you nodded off but that was about it. And you knew the rules. Pretty much feed an opiate addict thier drug and they are prettty happy in general. A little money in thier pockets, a pack of cigarettes and a little drink. And if you found a good house to hang in, where there were old school users pretty much they would keep the idiots out-people who would cause trouble, werent clean or healthy or OD alot or other innapropriate annoyances. Uncool junkies. This made an environment where you got your business done and then went on with your life. But you never have to be harmed emotionally by anything really.

When you get clean not only is your endorphin system trying to get going again, you need time to get back to natural rythms. You have been medicated and the business of getting your daily medicine is strenous, tiring and a full time job. But some people are so in pain and traumatized that its worth it all. At least until you are older and stronger from years of life experience. With my backround I would have been dead had I not self medicated at least until 25 years old. You start to really grow up at this age.

I now realize that druggies are living something primitive that cannot be gotten in our society otherwise. A magical sort of tribalism where everyone is comfortably bonded. That is why in the homeless scene the druggies dont bother me. I know they are harmless (except for the ones who live to do crime as well). The straight people could not be trusted. They would and still do all kinds of things that are intrusive and unacceptable to nightworlders. I also think that people who are night owls tend to like the peace and quite of a world less populated and the darkness that night provides..things are more peaceful and people are happier. Even people who work night shift hours are in general more tolerable to me.

It was very hard for me to understand these new creatures stuck in thier little suburban nightmares, judging everyone from thier unhappy lives.
And working in an office was an example of why I dont belong in places like that. The flouresent lights made me feel weird and it was summer so I found myself instinctively wanting to go outside all the time. It was boring. People were mean to me or they were yukky and unglamourous. The kind of people who hide from life's spotlight in office jobs. I just didnt get it at all. It was a temp agency and I found that a number of the jobs I got had some gang stalking going on. I eventually became really miserable and hopeless.
No one was telling me which way to go and I see now that I should have been among my own kind in a program or among creative people but I hadnt grown that far yet.

I had in 1997 or early 98 gotten a tax return so that I could leave. My mother had left or she wasnt helping I forget, but my grandfather had heart surgery and my grand mother was distruaght. I thought my mother was very selfish for this, so I looked at the situation and decided to stay on to help out. This ended up later with my grandmother telling me that I should have left instead and that my mother originally told her I would only be there for a week in 96 when I moved in. She totally did not appreciate all the work I had done around that house and to sacrifice my happiness to protect her. My weakness for protecting women has been my downfall many times. This may be the actions of a masculine side to me what people call an alter. I do see women as just helpless creatures sometimes even though I am in this body.
I still did not understand that my family was so dysfunctional that it was hopeless to ever gain clear perspective on life and self living there or even in contact with them.
Through the years I had to tolerate such nonsense as this: my grandmother kept on about a night light in my bedroom. Now my mother pays the same rent as me and has a bigger room that was carpeted while mine had this old flooring with splinters. It hadnt been papered but I did art on the walls like cave walls (naturally) and didnt want it papered. I am a way better artist than some repetitive pattern thank you very much. Her room had an ac and cable and a phone. I know she payed for the extras like cable and phone but I was living in this little room with only a stereo and a tv with rabbit ears and doing alot of chores around the house and working on my feet 50 hours a week.
It was this night light that went off when it was light anyway. The harassment over this was ridiculous. I called the electric company, got a reading of how much it cost to leave on for 8 hours a day for 30 days. The elecric company said it was .25 cents. I told her this and dropped a quarter on the table and said "Here's your money". She replied that the electric company lies about these things. She was very satisfied that she had some sort of control still.

Often my mother and her mother would do a two against one. My mother if we were left alone she would play head games and I didnt even really see it. It was like overt targeting and abuse. She would change her whole demeanor and tone when my grandparents walked in the door.
One time everyone sat down and had a meeting where the focus was my anger. (now we see the fruition of my mothers efforts to get me in there to begin with. If you antagonize someone enough, they will defend themselves or react to pressure. Then you can use this scapegoat to divert attention by focusing on them). The best part of this was when my grandfather piped up and interjected that I didnt return to him for another backrub and my grandmother and mother had to scold him becuz this was just too obviously manipulative and abusive..I dont think that they cared about that I think that they didnt like the fact that it was so obvious that it screwed up any success at a guilt trip to terrorize and control me with. (by the way, it was simply that I was had back pain from a crummy mattress and and sat one time with my grandmother while he rubbed a knot out. But shortly I did sense it was weird and so didnt return. My grandfather never did anything to me personally that was abusive. One time when I was a kid I think I may have been in danger going to a place that was closed he had keys to at like 1 am. My sense of danger did go off, so out of nowhere came this side to me or alter that is very bold and grown up and I asked him where the hell he thought he was taking me at this hour and called him old man disrepectfully. He seemed to wake up out of a trance-like state and he then altered our destination to an all night coffee shop where he hung his head for a while. I felt bad for him. This part of my make up is the same that now fights when others would have given in. I have no idea who or what it is but it will not take crap and it comes out not under my control.
One note of interest that requires further research is that pedophiles are programmed or switch personalities--thus him seeming in a trance. This may be why they are incurable be regular methods of therapy.)

I dated someone from NA during this time. He was ok but not up to least I could say I tried red heads right? Not for me. But he was somewhat supportive but he also wanted to start sharing deeply with me and with all I was going thru I had to distance him from me. He was always a bit to controlling and he jsut wasnt manly man material to have any right to lord over me. Funny, entertaining bastard though..funny as hell.

I also gained a sponsor who was supportive. She was older and I think with how much damage my mother was doing this woman provided a surrogate female figure..someone to set a good example to aspire to not a bad one.

When I was tending to my grandfather during his recovery from surgery once, just babysitting him really, he said something interesting. My grandmother and mother were discussing once in another room having all the grandchildrens personal info. It was thier habit to hide money under the grandchildrens names as it was clained by them that this was legal due to their being minors. I didnt worry about this becuz I was too old for that (so I thought). Nana made sure that she said firmly and rather with a sigh that they did not have my infomation-this was incorrect. My mother for years insisted on keeping my birth certificate and ss card, probably in case I needed copies.
My grandfather blurted out that they keep money under the grandchildrens names....2,000 dollars here and 4,000 there.
This is so typically southern, to be careless and casual about the families money affiars where as Yankees have a way of not disclosing these matters even to other family members. I noted this in other people with southerners married into thier Yankee families.
I never trusted my family concerning money. At 18 when I won a lawsuit along with my mother for a car accident she asked me for some of it to pay for her house in RI with my stepfather..when I told her no she said I was being petty. This is a very desperate woman who has always treated me in the exploitative manner that her father treated her.
Later this would become of great concern becuz I would poke a bit at my grandmother and become pretty convinced that there was a large amount of money being hidden under my name and this may be why during the federal investigation of those around me in later I may have been held as suspect-like I did indeed know more than I really did.

You have to understand the nature of very sick manipulative families..its not just child abuse, they were actively involved in crime years ago. This is the very sort of family that would not produce someone who was merely crazy or delusional, but rather have a hand in trying to discredit the person by making such claims about them.

An example would be upon the gang stalking going 24/7 in 2003. After a few years of this a federal bust came up around some friends of my old associates. My mother kept claiming it was most likely becuz they thought I knew more than I really did and it would pass once they realized I didnt really know anything. My sponsor also claimed this. The reason I ran to two mother figures I trusted was becuz police were involved in the harassment and I was a single female living alone with the Irish pub across the street pissed at me cuz I wanted them to turn down the decibels sometimes and also there were alot of home invasions with my gang I was afraid if I was assaulted and especially with the potential people involved as perpetrators. Yes, I am saying I ran to my mom. But in my case my mom was always my sole protector so this is like other people running to thier dad I guess. Anyway, after she went thru validating me through the years of me living in this place I said I was going to write a book. A college education now somehow gave her the idea she was smarter than me in the arts so she sat there and preached about how a book could be very powerful if written in the right way. I just sat there thinking 'now she is a an expert on writing now'..then she ended with "You can write a book but no one is going to believe you". That told me one thing-that I should definetly write a book then. Anyone who says that is hiding something..and its typical of abusive controlling groups and people-that no one is going to believe you.

Other things happened during that 3 year period living in my family's home. Something was also happening in NA. I now think it was being infultrated by some outside group..either what we refer to as 'gang stalkers' or people in on the investigation that was going to happen years later.

A man showed up who says he was from Frmingham out that way west of Watertown, that he used to be a milloinare but he for some reason preferred to go to meetings out here. Hmmm. He was a very tall imposing man. He immediately put himself on the board of trustees and secured a position. My sponsor and I ..nearly every female in those meetings who had any self respect at all did not like this man. You could tell he was either into seeing working girls or more likely a child molester..something where he had to have crushing manipulative control. We dubbed him 'hugger Mark' becuz he was always forcing you to hug him using his size and intimidations. Those of us who were well felt yukky afterwords so came to dislike him. Women who came from abusive fathers and still fell for that idea, fell right into this mans control games. He immediately started targeting me, my sponsor and any other female who denied him control. My sponsor used to kid that she thought he was DEA.

Over time he revealed that he knew of my mother from her job as a bar tender in the 1970's in Boston. This trust fund idiot Eric tried to start picking on my mothers image as a bar party girl and talking about girls on Qualuudes and such without knowing who she was and Mark just said real serious "No, she wasnt like that. She was 6'1". There werent many men who werent intimidated by her." Eric shut his mouth.

In a meeting one day when I was with the controlling freako boyfriend, Mark decided to start messing with me becuz a person was telling her story which included the adult entertainment industry. He started mouthing to me across the room 'Thats what you used to do'. I looked to the guy I was with for some protection becuz you figure he is the kind to be threatened by this sort of predator..and he said that he didnt interfere in things like that. Well dude, if you are so concerned with what I wear and where I go and who is at my house and such then you should provide protection as well. You are now outta here. You cant have both.

There was a guy in NA in those Watertown meetings named John. He seemed to be harassed by everyone in the meetings. Especially the local guru who tried to flirt with me once by doing something like a cross between a mind control tactic and pulling little girls pig tails in school and I tried to scare the shit out of him for years. You could tell he hated women with such an abusers passion. Not the one...sorry. The attempt at mind control triggerd such a reaction from my programming that he was lucky that I was in recovery and rendered 'spiritual' at that time. I even recall being set up to perp this guy! It was a learning experience in gang stalking now I see thats what it was. They told me that he was thsi guy that hits on all the of course where I am at in life I start flirting with him or at least paying attention in that way. He then starts recipricating and then I act like he is bothering me and he gets shot down by the guru and friends ( a friend refered to this crowd as 'the wild ones' due to thier wanna be biker gang look) Technically I WAS THE ONE WHO INITIATED CONTACT..I gave this guy a signal...based guessed it. The SUGGESTION of others. Welcome to mind control and psychological warfare. They used me as a pawn in thier little game with this guy.
This man seemed frazzled and out of synch. I now know that this can be from long term organized stalking/harassment. He had what seemed one friend in the meeting. The rumor was that he had gotten caught having rough sex with a police officer's spouse. I saw him in a truck, stopped at an intersection. He seemed...worn out. Worn down. He was trying to tell me about that crowd in the meeting. I sensed that even though I was afraid of him due to rumours and his stressed appearance that he wasnt exactly what they were portraying him as..after he died I never forgot that moment and took it as a warning. Later it was said that he went to jail for something small and hung himself in his cell. Uh..ok.
No one in that meeting cared or even mentioned it. His one friend mentioned him in his checking in with the group and one got the feeling that he was at that moment seen as a sentimental fool for his words.

To be honest early on in recovery I got treated well if not spoiled by alot of people in NA. Its when you grow up and start questioning the system, when you say 'what else is there?' that its obvious yer not cute anymore.

So I was waking up and growing up all while being targeted and gang stalked but it was very different than when it exploded and went 24/7 in 2003. There were now really overt tactics being used or overt things being done to me but they were specific and infrequent. Also no one was coming up to me and telling me things about my life in detail that they should not know. It seems that is saved for when the target is completey abandoned by thier support systems and isolated by the gang stalking system.
One thing that was done to me alot in public at this time was that people were taking pictures of me. I used to enjoy my newfound freedom being clean and I would go all over the place especially to get the hell away from my family. I would hop on the bus and go to Cambridge etc. And I enjoyed walking everywhere. When you are partying you really dont go anywhere alot..unless you have friends that do or you are loaded. Getting loaded is 'going places' I guess when you are young and trying to survive. It is an alternate consousness technically speaking.
I would get flashes out of cars and saw a woman put her camera down on her seat. This happens now but I just ignore it, but its more intimidating when the harassment goes 24/7 becuz its more obvious its to harass not just for a possible investigation.

In 1998 I finally moved out. The gang stalking was to a point where it was more overt if I say had a phone in my name or if I had signed a lease showing I was living there. I now see that if I was somewhere that there should have been no way for anyone to tell on paper I was staying there, I did not get any obvious harassments but I now see that I still got gang stalked by the system using other classic methods. One of the dead giveaways that your a TI is that people pretty much treat you as they please all the time and in a way they would never dare act towards others. LOTS of people.

What the public knows...

Idol is considered entertainment here..what the hell do YOU think?? They probly know what they have been shown and thats it. Its what they dont know thats important.

Sometimes I have young kids laughing the girls tend to be a bit more sypathetic. This generation known as millenials is very controlled via being plugged into tech all the time and dont see reality clearly and also are still young and rarely do the young understand they are mistaken.

I am not going to take seriously the opinions of a group of women who just in the last 10 years or less learned that they get their periods and boys are not
yukky. These people appear babies to me at 37. Unfortunately the system uses my youthfulness against me becuz they often seem think I am closer to thier age. When they learn I am 37 they often get more respectful and back off.

THis is why perps want to know every bit and detail about a TI. I assume they want to see what they can use to manipulate the public with the creation of the deception that is the bad pr/image campaign.

Cathy Obrien said that there was a point where she honestly believed that everyone knew about mind control..and it does seem that way. What Eleanor White refers to as the system of making it look like 'lifes regular breaks' does indeed work to hide the activity from the public, but it also works inversely (of course) on the TI's sanity. It makes you see what are TRULY lifes regular non gang stalking related breaks and hassles as all related to gang stalking.
I am very fortunate. Somehow I have been able to reprogram my system to just be a target and that is a shame but the purpose of this is to keep us prisoner. My intellect is spent measuring and weighing and figuring out-sifting thru info to see if some incident was gang stalking and a perp or was it just happenstance. WHy?? Becuz it is important to realize that mind games are real, but it is also important to realize that there are non related hassles everyday.
In the beginning there was no doubt about who was a perp and who was not...the perps would tell me things to let me know that they had superior knowledge about my life. This was the putting in the prison I am so captured that they need do little that is overt. My mind is trianed to do threat assesment every minute..not live my life. This is what keeps a TI in the 'prison'..internalized fear. And you dont dare stop becuz you never know if they will attack you again sometime in the future as aggressively as in the beginning. You are now trianed to fear the possibility of attack.
Being a TI is just like being in jail....the guards have now abused you so you can be aware that this is always possible. Now you need only accept you are never getting out and their prison is complete..this is the meaning of 'accept your situation' told to me in person by a female perp.

This is your reality...the public I think are largely unaware of what is going on. This country has traditionally been conditioned to ignore what goes on in the shadows as not part of thier daily reality. They cannot deal with it I dont think that horrors of all kinds go on everyday. Only people who have a natural mindset for this are going to be open to this sort of reality and also people who find such things of personal interest or profession. Criminal justice types I assume or social scientists, political majors..people who are dealing in the full picture or want truth so are willing to accept possibilities.

That is why the public are used so much in these deceptions. They are engaging in a belief not in investigation. What they seek is not truth or facts they seek entertainment or relief. THerefore as someone who has been forced into a position wehre you have to play alot of roles like your own security force, a detective, a writer, a historian, a researcher--being a TI is a tough job and no one pays you. You do all you do just to stay alive. The public must never know of this becuz they are used best when they are sicked on the TI as a mob, though they often do not understand that that is thier function or the result of thier actions.

It is important not to INTERNALIZE public opinion due to the fact that it is most likely mis/dis informed and there fore of no value. You also do not, from your vantage point, have accurate rundown of exactly what they do know or percieve. Alot of TI's can guess from thier reactions and I think alot of the public are not gang stalkers...I think they are just shown a fabrication. Perps are the ones who perpetuate your misery and actually know a bit about what is going on.

Does anyone have credible info on how anyone could hack into a blog and view in real time??

I am wondering if anyone can demonstrate how it could be done specifically that when I log into blogger or even the email I used to open it, people on secret links or webistes or other could be notified via thier computers somehow that I am on and there a way that my posts could be read in real time while wrtiting them, in draft? If people had enough money or connections could they create a 'ring' of people who are hooked up to observe a TI? IF they had to money and connections...I know I have heard in MO a satelite company speak of now offering "hidden channels" to the public that were previously only available to the select few.

Could this be a way to get a free reality show out of someone who is unable to defend themselves? The motive is definetely there...stalkers never change only tech does. Only the tools they use would evolve. And whatever can be used that exists for other purposes shows that at least it does exist and could be utilized for other motives.

Classism and other used to imprison target

In reading this it all became clear..two things. That our society simply medicates its poverty populations as a part of a capitalist society.

And as far as my situation goes it was very important for them to support those who seemed 'better than' now I understand, becuz this is for the purpose of public perception management.

If I am portrayed as poor, worthless, untalented, and 'stupid' then not only will it validate the corruption that occurred on the most basic levels, but it somehow validates getting rid of someone who is actually a person who knows quite alot of information..especially about the people who got good deals while I got what was referred to as a 'raw deal'. This is on the first level of the deception-the one the public can relate to which is crime they are familiar with.

This is also valuable to the more hidden goings on becuz no one sees the human experimentation or the other issues- there is no real concept of human rights violations..just 'oh well, that is the corrupt cops and criminals for you'...type attitude. The northeast also has a habit of worshipping organized crime like some sort of folk heroes.

If you make a target seem like a lost cause dead end kid type of person it will then be natural becuz then it looks like that was going to be thier life anyway.

I just never imagined that my value could be so denied or just gauged in terms of how it could affect the people who 'matter'.

This is why its so important to keep someone down at this point...but the way to do it is to portray the people you are supporting as innately better than the person you are getting rid of.

Urban people in shelters are strange. You hear them sometimes stating that so and so is from 'the worst backround' like drugs and immoral behavior. I can only attribute this to the presence of the church in the urban communities. There is a strange cross of behavior that is bad but from people who go to church on Sunday, but still judge others for THIER behaviors...really I dont get it and I dont want to. Its horribly dishonest and reeks of mind control and brain washing.

The nature of the artist always escapes most people in this society anyway. If that is 'the worst backround' then I can tell you about some very wealthy connected people who, by your statements and perceptions-are then from 'the worst backrounds' via their behaviors and nasty habits.

Also, from people I was getting perped by, there was this ridiculous statement made by my ex landlady that the screw up across the hall who was a criminal and couldnt stop f*cking up, was "from a good family but got on the drugs and couldnt stop". Her behaviors included jimmying open the doors of eldersly tenants to steal from them and constant domestics with her now dead boyfriend. This was tolerated. It was not well received when I cut thru the old school Boston BS and asked her " If she is from such a good family why is she on drugs?" was met with a look of astonishment that critical thinking could be utilized by the likes of me. (The WWII generation is notoriously sneaky and shaming anyway.)

So perception management is critical to a f*ck over such as the one that I am the target of as well as any situation where classism and status can be used as weapons or holding areas. A prison, psychically upheld by the public as per the intimidation of authorities who support those who 'matter'. Hmph.

Belief systems like religion, their purpose is to discourage the use of critical thinking.

And then the brain washing must commence..the system must convince YOU that its perceptions are correct and 'place' you in the prison of belief upheld by a brainwashed (covertly its via intimidation from authority) public. Class and race are examples of weapons as well.

It is then critical to make sure you not only build these prisons of belief but then you have to as mentioned, cut the desired inmate down to size so they do not show any signs of not belonging there. They cannot be smart, talented. If they are attractive this must be taken from them via wearing down. They must be made to look like the type of character that has been written into thier prison of class, race, 'backround'.

This is why the system must keep a target that the public really believes that they were skating the whole time, most likely off of youthful attractiveness(as is present in poor people--for example of this read 1984. The Proles have a blooming period of a few years of youth, then they go to pot due to thier being inferior in class, race, intelligence etc. This is the model that is used if a target is poor.) and that this would have been the outcome anyway...if you were not allowed to hang out with those betters they are vehemently protecting.

Its true that people of other realities can teach each other things perhaps they didn't know about themselves due to the limitations of class, race, culture etc. But the raw material has to be there to begin with. Like for instance rich kids could take a lesson from poor kids and tell thier controlling parents to f*ck off with that short leash of money they keep them on. Some of them have no damn lives becuz their parents dictate everything according to what will be taken from them if they do not cooperate. Perhaps they would be ill equipped to survive out in the modern day urban 'wild' if cut off.

I always was appalled at how much alot of these kids could not achieve as individuals due to dad or mom keeping them down with security..some of them smothered really.

So these cons only work if you start believing what the mob tells you about yourself. THIS is one of the main purposes of behavior modification. It is very important that you be kept down so that you stop being attractive, stop thinking, stop being creative and, as a female perp told me once " get used to your situation".

I highly suggest that you keep what you know about yourself close to yourself and do not fall for this 'majority rules' crap. They will convicne you anyway they can that you belong where you have been placed and with gang stalking being so nasty, they are not above giving someone brain damage or other physical damage to make you 'fit' into stupid.

And often the target must be represented as immoral so that the behavior modification appears to be warranted to 'fix' the person or better them. All this is based on lies and the selective rep of the TI.

The cut and paste approach to reality that the image machine with its bad PR and taking things out of context is brilliant but if any truth is to come to light then it screws up their artwork very badly. This is why sophisticated methods of terrorizing the TI into being quite are utilized as well as constant walls of denial as part of the 'prison'.

Like the other day in the shelter (and this is why gossip should not be allowed in these places), two women were saying "she wears the same outfit so whats in the backpack..well she sure knows how to lie". Now I piped up and said is this about me. The two women shouted no, but 1) how do I believe that 2) I could perceive this is in reference to me.

The point is that doubt is cast on a person by pointing out things that seem to not make sense instead of investigation. They may not have been referring to me, but when you are targeted this is the result of directed conversation or less subtle direct reference through conversation over years time-you get hypervigilant.
My point is that if the TI is always called a liar then anything they say is doubted before they even reveal anything important.
Your manufactured rep precedes you in a way.

You have to fight these attempts to put you away via public perception.

Often people who are supportive of the perps will have the attitude that this is your lot in life or that you were never going to amount to anything anyway. This is only true becuz the system has manipulated the outcome of events with major interference and the total subjegation of the targets Will. Therefore it is a fale outcome, a desired outcome not a natural one.


So this is why you must not buy into (via brainwashing) thier judgements becuz those judgements, if you entertain them, will lead to the walls in that prison that I mentioned and they will have gotten you to help put up the walls.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

Monday, January 26, 2009

MO id lost so no id theft

I lost my MO id so I want to say now that I know that someone could steal it and do identity theft. Just wanted to put it out there.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

A book that might be a clue (Red Sky at Night by Jamea Hall)

(On two separate computers in 2 different places, spell check did not work in HTML nor in compose. So excuse spell errors)

This was published in 1997 according to the inside cover.
James W Hall- Red Sky at Night.

back cover:
"It happens in an instant A man's life is ripped from the safe harbor he's almost found, hurtled back into the violence he has been running from for years. The man's name is Thorn. While investigating the bizarre slaughter of eleven trained dolphins, Thorn is viciously attacked. Crippled by pain, he is bitter enough to drive his lover away, desperate enough to seek medical miracles at an experimental clinic. There his old friend, now a doc, is on the brink of an awesome discovery: a cure for human pain.
Within hours of entering the Key West clinic, Thron can sense the danger. Patients are isolated. Experiments are spinning wildly out of control. Suddenly Thorn knows just how far his friend will go to find a cure. Now, as a storm of greed and human suffering gathers around him, Thorn is scratching and clawing his way back to a life he almost had, back to a woman he almost married, and to the darkest truth of all: There is some pain that only killing can end."

I had opened to page 171 and it reads..
"Its about endorphins", Roy said. "Spines, the brains, the torture. Its all about endorphins."
....."Whoever killed my dolphins knew exactly what they were doing, exactly what they wanted.Its not easy breaking open the cranial cavity of a dolphin. And they had some very careful, very precise surgery to get the entire spinal column out."
......"Dolphins produce endorphins just like people do," Roy said.
.."...endorphins are the body's pain suppression chemicals. That's what the f*ckers were doing. They were torturing the dolphins, cutting them up, hurinting them so they'd produce max quantities of endorphins. Much more potent than human beta-endorphins. Same chemical structure up to a point, but much more powerful. Its because the average dolphin is exposed to a lot more pain second by second, day after day, than human beings are. They need better pain suppression system. From what I've read so far human beta-endorphin versus dolphin's its like the difference between aspirin and morphine".......
"Because they took the spines and the brains. The two body parts that would be saturated in endorhpins after the animals were tortured. That's the connection."

Page 174: "Who would care?" "A journalist"..How come a newspaper person didnt pick up on this?"
" If one of them thought they could win a prize or get a raise from writing about some little toursit dolphin placed, they'd do it.....But f*cking journalists dont get a lot of points for wrinting about the Roy Everlys of the world."
..."Drug company maybe. Someplace with scientists who know thier way around a chem lab, looking for a cure for something. They send some lowlife out to get the raw ingredients. They cant get legal permission to trap and kill dolphins for thier experiements, so they go where the dolphins are easy to steal." -----------------

If you look at that and the fact that alot of former ops are consultants for movies in Hollywood....what I am saying is this book could be just like the people who seem like ops who come up to TI's and give us warnings or information. People have double lives and no one knows this by now better than Targeted Individuals of organized stalking harassment and torture. I have seen alot of books and even movies written not to target any TI specifically but to warn a group or even a population about what is going on at levels that only people in the know would be aware of. Its just too damn close.
I say that alot of people who want to serve as agents or law enforcement have to have some sort of service to humanity somewhere in them...perhaps this is the only way we can be warned sometimes becuz its too risky to come out and say it. 1984 serves this purpose as do alot of other works that warn of either ongoing corruption or possible scenerios that would be harmful to mankind.

Why would someone sell out a person to such experiementation? I am a prime example..I know too much about all the people who sold me out. I suspect they were all blackmailed and bribed..prob with info that was pumped out of ME. Every one of the people around me had something to lose if I opened my mouth about the truth of thier lives. And at least 3 key people close to me were jealous or threatened as hell and wanted to see me never achieve in life.

They all had motive that was business and personal.

This scenerio would explain why perps come up to me and in past have said "See Rachel, now I am near you I feel calmer already" and that the TI often feels they are pumping out 'healing energy' (a life times worth) at an alarmingly high rate. An informative op/perp described my situation as " a marathon that never ends" and was trying to warn me to slow down.

Also, the manner of death. A number of targets have allegedly shot themselves in the head (I know why becuz you feel like you head is going to burst, the cranial pain is too much) or have taken drugs to OD and walked into a body of water...this I am not sure about as a trend among TI's but a definate perp tried to suggest to me that walking into a body of water after taking drugs was the way to go.

This also explians why I keep thinking I am going to burn my remains even if I have to do so by self lighting pyre or other set fire to self method. This is very against what the perps want and I know it so thats why I would do it as a final fuck you and self preservation.
There have been stories of people taking things from TI's after death and that bodies arent being returned in whole. These are unreliable rumors from TI's who have proven to be suspect..yet the ones 'in on it' often give up info by accident due to either glitches or guilt. Criminals and low lifes are human too.

And now we get to the low life part...we ALL have experiences perps to be either deficient or 'low lifes'-nuff said.

You have to gear your mind to the reality that an easy target who is also inconvenient would be put up for this sort of thing...and that human greed can go this far. The tech exists and so do the corporations that are hidden to the public.

If they find people who have had a lifetime of pain anyway maybe this is a perfect specimen. What disturbs me is the idea that it might not be in the phsycial spine that they want to take from....that somehow the energy could be harvested via tech right from the person. I know this crosses a line into what people consider psychic but its not. It might be just EMF related...

I know that the same TI that discussed with other TI's about bodies disappearing also made comment once " I know what they are doing..they are targeting the pitituary gland". something about trying to shrink it or destroy it.

The writer perhaps chose dolphins becuz they are known to be highly empathic.
This might be why seemingly 'nice' or percieved 'good' people are being targeted.

I know I am sick of perps now coming up to me saying I am a good person or a beautiful person. You know damn well that they do not respect that and they only respect power- which they work for. I am not a 'good' person...I am a person who has to hold thier tongue and thier fist becuz I know I will not win unless i do. Perhaps this is thier make the TI into a 'good' and obedient person sort of like tenderizing meat. Or this adds to whatever they want from corner us so that we have to act 'good'..all these veiled threats all the time like "Remember youre a good person and I wouldnt want to see anything happen to you.."


It is so important for these fucks to turn you into a damn saint and I wonder why..they anger you until the anger turns to depression and yet you dont kill yourself. Then you learn to manage the anger and somehow the anger from what they have done seems to disappear with time...along with any recolection that what they did to you really happened.

This is connected to my posts on forced forgiveness, and now I see the connections. They want to force the person into some sort of emotional state for thier own purposes by wearing them down. They give you no way out, no recourse but to turn anger on yourself which you dont or wont do becuz suicide you sense is another thing they would want. You are forced to be 'nice' and 'good' when you have been victimized horribly. This creates or is due to the production of prob endorphins from pain as well as it creates a false 'with God' state which is what I sensed a while and described as the beginning stages of brain death..this is what is described by near death patients as 'the light' and feeling no more pain and being with a presence that is healing or comforting. It has been known in the medical field for some time that this is simply the brain's own chemical reactions and productions.

However, though they be JUST bio chemicals, humans have a right to thier own private goings on of thier bodies and minds. My death or near death would be 'real' enough to me and that is MY personal, private experience and no one has a right to falsely induce it or intrude upon it. This is what that creepy speech was about, when one of Bush's administration said that anyone who did not go along with what they were doing would experience thier own PERSONAL PURGETORY..or some before death like state.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Gitmo and Gang stalking

A great number of Targeted Individuals, including all types, have stated that the harassment went 24/7 in 2003 or so. A good number have claims that its started not so overtly but was obvious in the 1990's before the attack period in early 2000s. The war has definitely been used against TI's.
Alot of us describe conditions that are like a mobile unseen constant interrogation as well as a number claim behavior modification is being done using in part the interrogations. And it isn't just the TI's who claim tech is used....I personally have been harassed repeatedly with questions that are probing and often repeated ((the definition of brain washing is repetition) until I actually wanted to give a false confession to the stalkers thus this qualifies as torture. This was in PERSON by numbers of real people in various locations. And often the questions would be crafted to scare or intimidate, such as "What do you think of Bush?" or "You said that Bush was a pedophile" when I did not discuss Bush with anyone as I had policy to keep politics for the most part out of my activism for these very traps being set.

And now after many years alot of us have no problem finally admitting that there is some sort of remote technology being used...its like on top of the overt human harassment there is some effort to find out what is inside of us. What we think, what we feel and what we are made up of.
This is also why so many TI's are then, as they cross that line, disbelieved and labeled crazy or insane or delusional. It guarantees that we will never be believed concerning the physical harassment...I believe they are hoping.

Becuz even if physical gang stalking is validated officially there is a lesser chance that the harassment with technologies will be revealed due to the deniability and the classification of the tech...but its so easy to imagine. Just read WIRED or other blog/sights about military tech growth and future use..then read what has been patented...then read what is familiar enough that is patented and in common use. It is so easy to deduct that humans have indeed gone this way and have advanced this far. And don't be stupid and say 'well if this tech exists why don't WE know about it'..DUH we would YOU know about it? Why should you?? Only the perpetrators and the victims know or suspect for sure what is happening..YOU are an uninvolved party-why should YOU be in the know?

And I have noticed that comments have been made by officials concerning Gitmo like- "We interrogate 24/7." Like they are some convenience store of terror..or perhaps an ad for tech that will be purchased easily in future. Hmmm. Black hearted humor aside the only thing stopping any of this being credible is the OK Go ahead of the official line..people can keep denying targets stories using the 'they are mentally ill delusional' perceptions. But there are enough puzzle pieces that fit that make a picture that is easily seen clearly. I feel like we are on an episode of Wheel of Fortune and its so obvious what the word is but everyone keeps denying that they know what letter the last darkened, unturned square contains. This is the only thing holding us denial and lack of the public awareness.

I believe that if it is to be a world under remote influence from here on in there is no way that the powers that be want this disclosed. IF this is indeed their new human management system, we will be ignored and silenced forever. Still we must press on and simply tell what we know.
The public deserves at least to know how we suffered-for our sakes, and how they may suffer the same or at least be held mentally emotionally and psychically in captivity- for their sakes. And then the decision is up to them, they are in charge of thier fates.
I will not put them in charge of life has been ruined due to the public who is aware turning away. Good out of vengeance I hope they turn from their own after they become aware....then they seal their own fates and we who are burdened with being fully aware of these issues are no longer responsible.
You cant save humans...they have a bad habit as a species of often appearing suicidal in the long run. Give them information and judge for themselves...they think they are so much more than us anyway most of them who seem to be aware. Let them bury themselves if they choose.
I however want everyone to know and I am sure every other TI does to-exactly how we have been tortured and it seems parallel to worldly events like what goes on at Gitmo. A different kind of interrogation and torture as well as behavior modification against ones will.

Government Agencies Support Domestic Torture and Gang-Stalking, Says 'Targeted' U.S. Journalist:

Obama moves to reshape US policy by closing Gitmo:

Obama's Gitmo mistake:

War Crimes Conference London 2009-

Are we at war or just prosecuting criminals? :

How hard is it going to be to show that the dept of the CIA that was involved in MK Ultra or rogue members of or even connected corporations have continued and used the war as hard is that to understand?? It will be marketed as clandestine therefore only to be viewed if yer lucky, in a history book 20 years from now.

NOT THIS TIME. Enough is enough.

This BS has spanned 60 or so years now.