Spirit in Black

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Please be advised that this written work is theory. It's theorizing, pondering and amateur research. For legal reasons I state that I have no actual belief in these theories as fact, if I did I would have sought legal recourse. Until that occurs this blog can only be considered theory. If it does then any and all actions PAST AND FUTURE that have been taken against me during the years producing this work will be labeled war crimes under international law and any other legal protections that apply.
I am a writer, an activist and artist. I claim my RIGHT TO EXIST legally under US Constitution and international law.

This is an educational blog for awareness as well as sometimes a telling of candid personal experiences to demonstrate theories as they might be experienced by a person who theoretically is existing under such conditions. Thus the 'candid' expression, poetic license and marketing myself as product or character. This is NOT a journal or diary.
Being a reasonable person of sound mind if I had concerns for my safety or others I would take responsible action for self care as my established medical history can demonstrate.
Any actions taken against me by others questioning my sanity or competence based on my produced work will be construed as activist/dissident intimidation and whistle blower retaliation and proper legal action will be taken against you by my family and support system.

Be warned that no further interference with my production of meaningful work as an artist and activist will be tolerated.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Here its 6:30PM and I feel almost near my normal self

What the hell is going on with the sun affecting the situation? I feel so docile during the a slave of some sort. A slave to criticism, to societal norms and judgements, a slave to everything that has been attempted to be beat into me by the system beating me down (internalizing an introduced value system that is false and foreign to my true Self).

I cannot think of anyplace where the daytime was not the worst for me.

Every location has its good and bad points. In Boston I got alot more done and had perhaps more freedom in some ways, but the bad point was that it was very heavy handed with suggestion. It became maddening. Also the mold there for me personally was too much to take at this time of year.

Tucson was probably a good place for the tech stuff but the gang stalking is almost constant and there is no where to stay as far as shelters go.

Is there a place that is safe for any of us at this point? Its not the travelling that bothers me and the harassment just pisses me off cuz it gets in the way of me getting anything done.
But how to avoid this effect of sunlight that is so miserable lately.

Firstly I need to understand what it is so also if anyone has an understanding of how the tech works and how the day light hours can be affecting the system give me input.

Correcting my question from yesterday...

Sorry I meant the emotional and mental changes. Stuff that is most likely tech based.

As I have posted with me it all seems to end at around 12 midnight and start again at 6 AM. This is especially obvious in eastern part of the country but what is noticable is the height of this kind of toruture is worse during the height of sunlight hours. It is better at 4 pm and gets considerabley better as the sunlight disapates.

I have an idea that it has something to do with tech but I am least versed in this area of organized stalking and harassment/e-harassment.

I just havent had the time to work on that. I would have to go back to my high school trade school years in electronics..I can SENSE what is happening but I cannot explain it as someone with a great understanding of tech could.

So what I am asking is anyone experiencing changes in self image, identity, emotions or thoughts moreso at certain times-regularly?
(the physical stalking or harassment can be done anytime due to the fact its human beings involved. That is another section of organized stalking and harassment, though I know it is all used on TI's as a formula/cocktail together.)

By the way for those of you who are survivors of TBMC the show I didnt get to post about is The Dollhouse. I could tell it was F*CKED by the previews on TV. I ended up having to watch it at The Rescue Mission when they had it on. I had to get up, leave go hide in a shower stall. It was so triggering that...beleive me I had to do some quick reprogramming repair work and that band aid bullshit I have had to become used to using to keep functioning is NOT good for me nor is it pleasant.
All the harassment just, in part, to make sure I cant get a proper therapist even just for trauma issues much less the complex matters.

Its only an issue if I am in an environment where there is abuse like at that place I was at. All this just to make sure I cant remember anything.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Do you find the emotional disturbance is worse during the day when the sun is out?

Please give me short answers to this.

I find personally that after 4pm definetely 5 I feel alot of the desperation and insanity leaving me..I also have found that when the sun is out its pure torture.

In places where it is cloudy or snows unexpectedly or especially thunder storms ( like I experienced in St Louis) it seems to break whatever the disturbances are.

I am in a weird situation becuz I need sun to feel right but yet another issue seems to be whatever is going on is much worse during the day.
To be honest I was much happier as a kid in my 20's when I slept until 3 and was awake at night ( due to constant running nightmares that would wake me up, a common trauma survivor trait; so I just got into a night life schedule).

At night it is sooo much quieter and guarenteed my writing would be alot better in quality. I hate the day time in general but have learned to enjoy the benefits of the suns energy.

I wonder if it is something to do with electromagnetic disturbance or just simply people go home from work at 5 thus there is some change in energy use..I dont frickin know.

The torture is definetly worse during the day. Let me know your experiences if there are times you feel worse or better and try to let me know at least your region. thanx.

Altering someone with tech and psych warfare does not work (if you DONT let it)/ still a mystery to me, what happened in Boston and my family's part

There is a saying in the 12 step programs: It works if you work it.
Things in life also do NOT work if you do not let them.

Did people actually think that I was going to take to some false designed life that isnt who I really am? What after years of living that way due to conditioining and programming? Are you all completely out of your minds? Why should I?

I know that the formula is to make sure I burn myself out on cyber activism and then forget about what happened, put it all in the past, meet some stupid guy and live happily ever after. That is not real life..or it shouldnt be. NOT AT ALL.

That would be living out a falshood manufactured by liars and the machinery that is in place. And in my 38 years on this earth I have seen far too much of that, and I wont have it.

Do you expect me to be as dense and controllable as my aunt? Or as identifying with the aggressor as my mother? Or as convinced of my superiority due to compliance with this system as my uncle? Or the taking of protection, gigs or bribes like all my former intimates or associates plus continued silence and denial of the truth is the way to be?

You got me all wrong. The only thing that matters is reality. Reality as it should have been and as it would have been. Not as it has been made to be.

Do you think you are going to see me fat and old, what you have made me into, touting my ass around, re traumatized into pretending that I am happy in life, dumbed down and compliant?

I will never ever give up who I am and the way things should have gone for me. THAT is reality not what has become my life. And I certainly will NOT give up MY life for a bunch of rich kids who believe they are more entitlted to life than I, nor my family who has treated me like the scapegoat since I was born. NONE of you will succeed in your goals.

You will have a dead body on your hands as I have said before. Nobody denies me my birth right as a very smart person, an attractive person and the power that would have afforded me to build a future. And my talents that would have taken me where I wanted to go.

My 30's should have been easy for me compared to the rough start I had in life...and someone, or a group of people who share a common interest have made sure that does not happen.

So why would I just surrender to being a different person? I will be a dead person and that should be enough to satisfy all parties involved..
but somehow it isnt. Somehow I get the impression that a false reality or self that proves people can be managed through this system is the most desirable out come. If I refuse to comply and show the final act of Will and freedom by taking charge of my own life then the system is disproven that it has control of people. Also, the people in my life and onlookers who have always enjoyed watching me controlled will lose as well.

The other desired outcome I can tell for sure, in fact MORE desirable seems to be that I get a label of schizophrenia or other such psychiatric treatment.
That would be fine if it were true, and the problem with my situation is that you have people in my own family trying to point out some sort of Eugenics based genetic connection...nice try but there is too much cruelty, too much crime to hide and too many screw ups by the perpetrators. Also, even though I have no documentation of such, I have been told to my face by varied people what is really going on and that I am not crazy.
However, my mother and her mother with thier comparing me to my father constantly is pretty powerful an angle for the opposition to have. It puts me at such a disadvantage...really I have just ignored it due to others telling me what is really going on as well as the evidence pointing more towards cover up for criminals and whatever the case is with my mothers radiation experimentation, as well as the fact that tech exists that can do to me what I have documented in this blog moreso than if I were just mentally insane or had a disorder...

I cant figure her out, my mother. First she says she wanted to go through with a class action law suit in 95 (96?) or testify with the commitee then she says she was followed so she dropped it. Then she seems to turn and I cant figure it out. I find it hard to believe that the system could turn her thier way after she fought so hard to gather evidence for her case. She even claimed she had been talking to some woman from the Dept of Energy.
However, my mother has always been a safety seeker first and foremost and also she is a horrible victim of trend. She goes with whatever the crowd is doing; I mean we all do as we all exist as a mass while we are here on earth, but I mean she seems to forget whatever was important or who she was just a few years ago in favor of whatever the culture pushes as popular in the now.
If the war in Iraq and all the security threats and anti terrorism scared her into comprimising or into conforming..that is the only thing I can think of. Also she has always been abusive, and of course there is the connection to whatever was going on in other areas of my life that were mysterious involving her..but she seemed so sure about her case and was so into getting justice for herself.

I just cant see...her part in all this is probably the hardest to figure out. Why would she work so hard on justice for herself just to sell out to the system? I really dont get it at all. Not at all.

And why was it so easy to turn the perception of me into this crazy person 'like Danny' all of a sudden? And mostly you have to ask why was it so IMPORTANT...and why so important during a federal investigation of friends of friends? During which I was led on by everyone to believe that was the source of the harassment?

"she got exactly what she deserved"

Ahh I can hear it now as I am going thru this and as I am dead a few years from now. That I got what I deserved.
It is always helpful to take the TI's life hostage after you hijack it with a PR campaign. Drive the person more insane and then show how crazy they are. Then make the person to be this or that and make sure you pay off with protection or favors everyone around them that sells them out and/or agrees with the story.
Make the person out to be deserving of all the abuse and people will direct all THIER OWN hatred and fear towards the person.

Humans are predictable and easily controlled. I used to respect humanity and people. Now I have been shown thru this system just how easy the masses are manipulated and how they just follow the path of least resistance....
how they prefer slavery over freedom. How they will protect corrupt police and military becuz they protect them.

There are some serious criminals and rotten human beings who are having great lives, so how am I getting what I deserve? Its something they brain wash people with in order to validate thier actions. Then they can forever and ever deny the real story and what really happened...and what they did that should be accounted for.

I have not heard this from anyone I just know what people are going to do to evade responsibility as well as validate the abuse.

Lied about Rescue Mission funding

From what I hear those low life jail house b*tches at Rescue Mission dont talk about what happened and what they did. Really Mary Parks is in need of getting what she deserves more than anyone. She is one of the most useless disgusting human beings I have ever encountered. Real trash that contributes nothing to society or humanity. She probably got herself some pathetic cred from being mentioned on the internet here.

I was lied to about thier funding. They are not private or non profit. They get govt money from the feds as well as the city. It is run or owned by a lawyer named Blake, thus section D where you sign away liability. I wonder if he knows what goes on there or cares.

I was told all they care about is the numbers...if they can prove that they fill beds. That they dont care about people...well I know that first hand. This is from someone who is there.

There is so much corruption within the system of homeless shelters that its the perfect place to drive a target into. Unless you have money you cannot survive being targeted, and if you were attacked just as you went to get your life together and are never allowed to have anything in life you are going to stay that way.

ok I am calm now/ tbmc survivor vids removed from Youtube

OK I am still very upset but.. something came up.

If you can get as much hardcopies as possible and if you can download all the vids that you can to your personal collection I would do so.

A bunch of very helpful vids have been taken off Youtube. One was a series of two with Mark Phillps talking about MK Ultra and the other was the original broadcast of all the survivors being interviewed.

It goes to show that if the internet gets policed or if someone wants to re write history they can (as usual).

I am sure people have these vids privately or they exist on another site. 'Terms of violation' is something being used alot on Youtube to take vids down.

Uhh, cable access show? What violation is there. WHOEVER POSTED THOSE MAKE SURE YOU CALL A LAWYER OR GET SOME LEGAL ADVICE AND TWEEK THEM ON THE COMPUTER JUST ENOUGH TO AVIOD LIABILITY...THUS NO 'VIOLATIONS'..that should piss them off..and preserve the vids on youtube.

I was so upset when I realized how common knowledge it is those vids off Discovery channel. So why is it still questioned?

Psy ops video from the discovery channel/ angry rant

Yes, you did "fire a shot" bullshitter. If you 'hit' someone with some sort of energy using tech then you fired sent an attack on someone else from your side to thiers with the intent of altering or damaging or influencing a person or persons.

Also, how can these people claim there is no pain involved? That is an outright lie. They admit they can alter peoples emotions..then they can cause pain (duh). Also there is a pain in not being allowed to exist according to your DNA plan or your personality.

I am a living example of the results of the abuse of these weapons..and so many people knew. They knew and they did nothing. People abused me while this was going on with harassment and stalking to add to the damage.

Humans have no right to these technologies and ESPECIALLY not people as f*cked up in the head (and conditioned/programmed) as the US MILIATRY OR ANY MILITARY personell. These are very narrow minded people who see the world only a certain way..thier f*ckin way.

Ike warned us about the military industrial complex for a reason. Its money they are interested, power and getting thier rocks off on how powerful they really are. I will not be dominated by a bunch of people who are just as vulnerable as any other brainwashed idiot I can think of....and by the way alot of military people I notice are total WIMPS who join to get a set of balls.

Jealous of my DNA? Of my atheletic build? Of my unquestioning of danger and undeniable bravery and courage..yes some of it is programming but I was born this way.

You can try to destroy a lion who comes from lions but you will never be a great as one..even a fucking dead one who has been taken down.

I think what they did to me was yes perhaps trying to cover some info and help some criminals who can pay but the way it was done was like a hunting expedition in Africa. What are you idiots going to do now? Get some of my blood and wipe it on your faces?(fox hunting ritual: ) Cut off my paw and put it up on your wall so when you are old you can sit around and smoke cigars and talk war stories?

The military is one of the most arrogant pieces of shit as of my opinion right now...and it also explains all the terroring from cops nationwide. Probably former military or thinking along those same lines.

Why is no one making laws so sneaky, aggressive peices of shit like this cannot abuse anyone they feel like toying with?

They probably think 'who cares?' about me now, that I am no longer a threat as I am no longer healthy young strong and attractive. Why is my mother such an influence on you and how exactly did she get into this little web of deception?... So the US military is either 1) utilizing the help of parents against their children or 2) they are using civilians in these operations where perhaps the legal issues then change.

So you can sell out a family member for torture? My mother had been torturing me for years anyway, she didnt need your help. She is lucky I am smart enough to have held my damn temper for this long. How did someone so evil (yet so weak) ever get created as her? She would have to actually call on the greatest Daddy figure of all to get rid of her own kid...what a total loser.

I am no longer even the least bit afraid of a label, and should have never been. This must be what people meant by telling me my mother is sick. But it goes deeper than that... What they dont want you to know about is intergenerational pedophile families..and women who are programmed to destroy thier own children and cannot even explain why they do what they do.

Its no wonder they would rather covertly use this tech on someone cover up for the real horrors. Go ahead, ignore my story and call me insane or imagining things. Go right the f*ck ahead becuz for the way I was ignored or even taunted as I lived through this nightmare and actually EXPLOITED I hope that humanity gets exactly what they deserve..and I hope its massive and I hope its soon.

People alot less talented and as smart as me got off on watching me tortured and destroyed and exploited all this time...and this is why its so important to keep saying I am stupid, when in fact I was in a vulnerable place in my life, a point of waiting until the chrysalis forms then attacking so a butterfly never emerges. That is a perfect analogy actually.

So that is it just misuse this tech to get rid of people and forget about them afterwards.

So essentially humans still keep slaves and this tech is going to be used for that end. And there will never be any freedom for someone like me, becuz the slavery part of the equation is never admitted to to begin with so no one is going to admit that this tech is utilized for purposes that it shouldnt.

However, even if you do NOT buy into programming and mind control etc be sure that THIS TECH WILL BE MISUSED in some way by powerful people. Who says that they can only use this tech in war zones and conflicts? What a horrible future we have. Our lives run by the f*cking military....who seem to be filled with Satanists, Christian right wackos, drug dealers, misogynists, daddy's girls who want to play like the big boys, rapists, wimps/wannabes, white supremesist gangs and black supremesist gang bangers.

Actually, the way I have been treated this is exactly what the public deserves..Please proceed.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

EBN vids

I put this vid on here a few times but I want to do a post on it for those who maybe didnt get its relavence.

If you are a TI and know about the history of human experimentation in this country and others that alot of us find a connection to when we dig deep into research concerning our situations as Targets of what seems to be a campaign of psycholigical warfare, then you recognize the subject matter of this seems to be refering to radiation experiments which were done at the same Naval hospital as MK Ultra. These tie into the experiments that used LSD as well. At other institutions they also experimented with radiation and LSD (from ergot: a mold). Broadcast TV is interesting becuz it is a form of conditioning and there have been many books written about the effects of television on individual humans as well as the masses.

What bothers me is so many of the comments on this vid from Youtubers say things like " My mom watched it and said it was boring" or that they think its entertainment for acid tripping (that would be ironic).
For those of you who have done enough research to be political enough to have survived you are already familiar with alot of the subject matter. It is done by EBN which was a group some of them graduated from Rhode Island School of Design, one of the best in the country. I used to model there briefly in '89. I have modeled for art classes and artists in few areas of the country and I can say that school during that era (where schools still had some freedom) was impressive.

It is an art piece first and foremost not just 'trippy'. If you see into the next level you see the political content.
But no one seems to get how it all ties together..the artists who produced this are not only breaking the illusion created by the original productions (news cast with Barbie-type-blonde beauty to blind you from critical thinking) thus 'jamming' the culture (a common activity of Gen X) but even further, what they have created plays with time itself. They are taking bits of other time frames and editing them to create a whole other time reality.

Thus the last level that is intimated is that we must consider what the experimenters are going for with " Broadcast TV, radiation/ broadcast TV, LSD".
Broadcast television, radiation, LSD. TV and LSD play with the human perception of time....I fear to think how radiation fits in.

It is interesting on 3:32 when it starts to look like colors are changing and then it seems time itself is split.

And certainly the music in the backround throughout is a clue as to how menacing and sinister these experiments really are. They have certainly been shown to be damaging to humans as well as unethical in many cases.

The greatest part is at 4: 42 when it goes into a loop that makes it so obvious that she as well as the broadcast are illusions and..well, just technology.

That you CAN break the LIE, the illusion by realizing the truth of what you are really seeing.
The base line/drums provides the 'time' for what the artists are creating.
Tearing up TV as well as creating a whole new artwork is takes alot (thats why its Industrial baby) of energy.

That is my interpretation and as eerie as the video is, those of us who have read about human experimentation as well as dealt with being connected to it somehow can attest to how chilling the subject matter truly is.

The other video is more attuned to the idea of TV being a control system for all the masses and it came out during a time when alot of people were becoming fascinated (and drugged out) by cable TV. The infommercial era.

The thing that is interesting is that they show footage I had viewed in the past of human experimentation (where they add sheep-type baa baa effects) as well as throughout sounds like monkeys screeching. (primitive man). The greatest part is that the Emporer is mad...mad and insane of course and the experimentation is for his benefit and on his order.

Manipulate information. Participate in your own manipulation....It means nothing.

Its dated due to the material they spliced as well as the then current president, but nothing much changes.

Compelling is the climactic 4:19 when it is made apparently clear that it IS a System. How many channels can you watch? How many do you need? And every one of the talking heads is interchangable anyway.

Most disturbing is at 4:35 when a younger then Bill Moyer says "One more diversion in the theatre of entertainment we live in" and it is stopped..and you see his eye caught at that moment, as if he is caught in The System...and he is a reflection of all of us caught in the system- the theatre of entertainment we all now live in. And there is something impressively evil about the way just a part of his face is captured and presented to the viewer-And he is held that way, so you can stop being broadcast to, so things stop moving, so you can see you are being lied to. That its gotten out of hand and everyone captured.

Then the June Cleaver type woman is timed so she seems to be having to force out the claim that she " feels great". Becuz she doesnt and neither do you, really.

Even though this is more about television I thought it was relevant not just becuz of the human experimentation tied in, and all the people of power it splices but the Nero footage is satisfying for those of us who understand the greed and corruption and disregard for us that is tied into human experimentation...and it that we are not delusional becuz as history shows, there may be some mad men in power quite easily. It happens all the time.
But the fact that we are victims of an almost total media black out made this vid relevant. That TV lies to you and will have you busy with so many other things...other than what is really going on that is important.

A professor that wrote about subliminals in advertising, Wilson Bryan Key-who you can hardly find anything out about on the internet, who's publisher cannot furnish any info about him, who's books were brilliant- wrote in one of his books that when he did a news show he got into it with some one at the station just trying to get his bit out and the news person at the station shouted at him and said " WE decide what is news!!!".. exactly.

Other pieces that EBN does are dated or even too triggering..but some are wonderful art pieces that make great use of perception and time and energy. Something that the mainstream would rather was left totally up to them to control you see.

This sort of magician-like dismantling of mainstream media as rebellion is gone along with Gen X I suppose. It was wiped out of existence when Bush came in, the towers were blown up and the war began as well as every activist was branded a domestic terrorist. For example Earth First flew off the shelves never to be seen so easily again in the same co ops and health food stores..and those stores were then bought out and yuppified.
Now that edgy and cool and angst and sarcasm has been co opted into mainstream commercialism there is nothing to react against.
The attitude now is that its no longer a big secret- something that you have to stop in a vid and reveal the true 'evil' nature of The Lie. People now are in full knowledge that they are lied to, that corruption is rampant. And it doesnt seem to be a problem.

No I do not think that the public are in thier right minds.. I think that they have been beaten down, intimidated tortured and essentially brain washed to the point where they will go along with any point of view that not only saves them but thier country, especially to make it strong in the process of globalization. Perhaps they feel they can no longer afford rebellion to the system.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Harassment at the Rescue Mission El Paso leaves me on the street again

The first night I arrived a woman by the name of Mary Parks (Clark?) terrorized me. She is an older African American woman who is very 'country'. She is also extremely sick, controlling, and reminds me very much of some of the sickest most sadistic people I have ever met. For all I have been through this is one of the most dangerous people I have ever dealt with.. she is full of hate and extremely manipulative. She is dangerous and very threatening.
This woman is the main bully and has caused there to be a mobbing situation to occur within the Resue Mission with me as Target. My only question would it fully internal or is this once again connected to outside influence.

Before I begin you must know something about El Paso...a few things:,2fabfdb1 .

The drugs are none of my business and with what I am dealing with none of my concern..however this DOES mean that alot of people here need to cover their asses therefore can be bargained with or blackmailed etc.

What strikes me is how peaceful my stay was until a few days ago. I have had more trouble with the residents of the Mission and a police man than I have with anyone deemed dangerous or violent that seems drug related directly. I am recieving the same treatment that I get everywhere in a town or city of this size. If it were a more urban enviroment I would be getting a different kind of harassment.

The thing that is so typical is the types of people in shelters that usually are into this kind of thing. Its usually people who have been to prison or jail, but never a structured program in prison. All they learned is to be more angry as well as more into crime and become institutionalized. Also alot of these people are in early recovery I notice. At this time in recovery it is easy to take advantage of a cult mind controlled like state as the person is forming a new self without the influence of drugs or alchohol. The system interferes with what should be private growth in a 12 step program and when a person is vulnerable indoctrinates them into the system. In this way, the cult like 12 step groups do become of use to the system. IF they were used as they were supposed to be totally anonymous and outside the system then the cult like state they produce in people would not be so dangerous to recovering people or those around them. Also they do not know how to handle new found power and responsibility which as addicts and alchoholics they might have never had before. The system then takes these vulnerable people in a shelter enviroment like this and locks into thier prior institutionalization from prison. That is why so many people are of this profile who are in shelters and seem to engage in the harassment. THEY ARE BEING MIND CONTROLLED BY A SYSTEM THAT IS USING THEM AT A TIME IN THIER LIVES WHEN THEY HAVE NOT REALLY FOUND OUT WHO THEY ARE OR REGAINED A FIRM SENSE OF SELF.This was explained to me by a calm stand up sort of man who helped me over the last few days and went through a structured program in prison and said that it makes all the difference in the world. He was controlled, sensible, responsible and helpful. He explained why things are the way they are often in these places when jail and early recovery is often involved.

In other words, there are some people left who are stand up cons who actually do the right thing.

-On my first night at the mission maybe Mon or Tues last week I had asked Mary and another woman cleaning the bathroom if I could help. She said no. Later she came to me and told me I was going to do another womans chore who had not shown up yet. She was aggressive and said chores were not being done right, and that she was going to watch us all do them. She turned to me and said "Your gonna scrub" very nasty and domineering. Then she told me I had to leave my back pack on my bed and as I have experienced thefts to be the norm in shelters I told her I would leave the pack on the floor next to me. She demanded that not be so and said I was GOING to leave it on my bed. Then she was to have me use straight bleach on the area I was to clean with no other cleaning products. This was an issue for me as I have been exposed to mold over a long period and had mycotoxicosis and damage occured due to the exposure..kind of like a chemical burn you might experience in the workplace. I now have 'chemical sensitivity' and one of the problems with shelters is that people spray deoderants and such in the dorms and I cant breathe well upon inhalation of chemicals.

So I said I had no problem with bleach but it must be more watered down and some soap used as well. She was very aggressive and got in my face demanding that I was GOING to use bleach and I was GOING to clean. I then asked about gloves for cleaning. She said " I buy my own" after so many upsets in a row I went right up to the front desk where she followed me. I asked for gloves at least. It was told to me by other residents earlier that she was staff so all along I thought I had to put up with the abuse for a place to in most shelters abusive staff have the upper hand. However I had never encountered this much abuse from a staff member anywhere.

Stan gave me gloves, the hospital kind that were thin and blue. I asked Stan about how I was being treated and he said to "do it your own way" as far as cleaning.

Mary then made a scene at the desk saying that she was from Missouri and that was the show me state and I had to show her I could clean. She then told me in front of everyone that I was going to scour like with a toothbrush. I then stated that my grandparents met in the USMC and that I was the last person you had to show how to clean...maam.

Stan said "Yer from Missouri?" and she then said " well, I aint from Missouri..but thats the show me state".

She then followed me back into the hall and then told me that I did not have to do the chore becuz the other woman had come in for the night.

I was upset and expressed it to the other women in the dorm. They were stated "that's our Mary".

Later that night I went to the door to talk to Sabrina and heard Mary telling Sabrina to give me the hallway tomorrow, that " she aint gonna use bleach or nuthin'" and then complaining that I wanted to clean with my back pack on. Then she said I talked about suing the establishment and she said "who's she gonna sue?".

The following morning I went to Diago's office for my intitial visit to a social worker where you just say what your plans are while being there etc.
We were talking and he stated I was homeless by choice. He also made my activism with the homeless issue sound like I was touring shelters in order to do research. I told him I was utilizing my bad situation to try to make some good out of it.
He told me about the Opportunity Center as if he was going to ship me there instead of stay at the Mission.
I told him I was coming from there and that it was outrageous due to the fact they had three sverely mentally ill and distruptive women there who were taking sleep and sanity away from other clients and not handled. He agreed. He was also honest about how outrageous it really was.
I then told him that I had a hard time talking to him due to what had happened with Mary.
I said I was basically attacked by this woman and harassed. He said that that wasnt the way it was and that he was sorry my feelings were hurt as if I was just complaining..I found out he was acutually behind the desk as this went on that night but I had not recognized him as I was new.
He then said if I was there to complain about the services that I can go elswhere. I then told him that I had a hard time talking to him due to what had happened with Mary.
I said I was basically attacked by this woman and harassed. He said that that wasnt the way it was and that he was sorry my feelings were hurt as if I was just complaining..I found out he was acutually behind the desk as this went on that night but I had not recognized him as I was new.
He then said if I was there to complain about the services that I can go elswhere. He also asked if it was indeed that bad why did Stan the desk person in charge not intervene. I stated that he did by saying I should clean as I see fit and Mary disregarded this. I also mentioned how I overheard her plotting to set me up the following evening.

I then further explained that she was staff and I had never been abused like that by staff at any shelter outright. He then backed off and told me she was not staff, became sympathetic and realized that I was being manipulated. He then told me he would take care of it and not to let someone misrepresenting themselves get under my skin and to my emotions. He said she was just a as homeless as I was and had no right to do what she did.

He did say I should not document what she did becuz that would be showing vendetta. As an person who is partly of Italian heritage I informed him that a vendetta was something that was very specific and did not apply to a stranger like her. It was a poor choice of words.

Then he said he would take care of it and that he was in fact here and saw what happened. He then had me sign some papers one of which had a part "D" which was me signing away my rights to hold the Mission responsible for just about any liability. This is interesting due to Mary's statement I overheard " who ya gonna sue"..she seemed to know that was not going to be an option for me. BUT I was harassed before I signed away my rights that morning however.

Everything seemed better from there and I continued to get up daily and go to the library to work on apartments as a possibility as well as researching a possible travel plan next month to another location. I helped out if I was not too tired and sweeped the kitchen after meals, asked Sabrina the Dorm Mother if I could help out at all. I even asked staff if we could have a spray bottle for the Mexican pine sol they use for the floors that is also supposed to be use to clean dirt, due to the fact that only bleach water is used and I wanted to get things clean of dirt when I did my chore in whatever area I was assigned to. The bleach they use is a bit heavy and not so much is needed to disinfect an area. It is used on surfaces undiluted and I found I had a bit of the eyes burning at night but it was better than the OC which uses heavy bleach twice daily with hardly any ventilation which was one of the reasons I had to leave that program in unison with the disruptive clients.

During this time I experienced Mary as instigator and head bully in regard to a number of clients. She would often talk about people mercelessley and often while handing out the cleaning supplies for chores that she enjoys so much control over. She said "that fruitcake whatever her name is" was going to do the bathroom, I caught her saying "that one is paraniod" about me and a number of other insults very mean and inappropriate for ANYONE in a position of any authority. She seemed consistantly abusive towards anyone she did not like or would not accept her abuse. I also want to know what prompts her to percieve me as paraniod. This is most likely to cover for any claims of abuse I make. I believe she thinks she has a vulnerable person on her hands she can toy with as she pleases due to perhaps outside info letting her know that that is a desired perception of me due to my activism on human experimentation, especially being connnected to the radiation experiments and the harassment I recieve which could be a product of my research and works produced on the subject.

I got up and went out but not always by 7:45 AM as I am not to go out to look for work as long as I pay them some money from a check next month. Diago kind of told me I should just leave next month when I get my money anyway. I went out every day for my 45 min walk to the library and to do my work on the computer.

I was also told that the rules were mostly for the men and that the women could stay in if not job search.
About 3 women consistently stay in bed all day. One is an older 'black' woman who was a bit off and seemed to be treated harshly and picked on my all the other women. From my experience in shelters this woman is not a major problem. One woman sleeps during the day becuz she works at night. Some women hang around all day and that includes the women who perform staff-like responsibilities such as Dorm Mother.

I enjoyed my short stint of peace as I walked through El Paso daily and also got work done at the local library.

A few women left and a few came in. The new women seemed nice and one was a racy open minded younger girl who enjoyed conversation with me. Also I enjoyed the presence of my bunk mate and a woman who left recently seemed to have a mind of her own outiside the bullying.

I did my journals daily and in order to aviod disturbing others I would either go into the bathroom if a shower was not used or go into the laundry room, two places the women seem to go to gain some privacy.

Today a problem arose. Yesterday I misplaced my pajamas and it was late so no one was awake or knew where they had gone to. I simply went into bed in my underwear and left my pants on the bed. I got up for a moment at about 3 am in order to move a fan in front of my bed. Then in the morning I hear Mary's voice announcing over the PA system that you cant wear just panties in the female dorm area. She then comes over to the dorm, is aggressive with me and tells me its documented in her notes. She also tells me that I dont know who I am messing with.(probably due to the fact I said something about the way I was treated upon arrival to my social worker). I then tell her she is not staff and that she shouldnt have announced such things publically, she said she only did so as to "make sure you heard it". She also said that two women said I was walking down the hallway in my underwear and she stated that they have young boys down the hall...which is why I would not have done such a thing to begin with and that is a fabrication. I do not get up to use the restroom usually at night and did not do so last night. This was sheer intimidation, humiliationa and terrorizing. I asked her to show such an action on the video tape of the camera that is in the hallway for proof as it would have recorded me doing so.(!)

As she terrorized me further I went out to the desk where she went behind the desk to her seat, told everyone including the men that I was walkin around the dorm in my underwear. I said she shouldnt have announced it and someone from the men's side tried to cover for her by saying "she said that for the mens side only" or someone named Bill said " I didnt hear that". He told me to talk to Juanita about it later. Mary then showed a notebook to Sabrina that had information written in it, and after she read it she said very dramatically " I have to talk to Juanita about you". This caused fear in me and as a result I was shaken up as I was the night that Mary originally terrorized me before. It was all done in front of other clients, the sharing of confidential information.

I went to Diago, told him what happened. I said I found my pajamas in the bathroom to the side. He asked if I thought someone did it and I replied that it was in my opinion just someone tidying up properly but the result was this major drama. He then said that I should now start documenting everything Mary does from this point on. He also said that he was not just going to vouch for me but simply that he saw what occured that night with Mary being abusive. This made me feel a bit more secure. I also informed him that the dorm was empty when usually there were women sleeping all day or hanging around. He got it. Also the announcements were very different today, all by the book. Stating that men AND WOMEN on job search or extension had to vacate the property by 7:45 am. I went out to sign up to see Juanita at 8 am but Mary and the other women said it was too late to sign up and used this to terrorize me further. A man spoke up and said that Bill told me to speak to Juanita and this was good enough. The women seemed disappointed.

I went into the dorm and warned the new girl that it was unusually vacant and that she better leave for the day as it seemed like a set up to write anyone up who was not out by 8am. She got it and went out. Diago told me to wait until I was called.

Later a social worker named Darlene came back into the dorm with Sabrina the Dorm Mother and started talking to me aggressively and pointing a finger that I cant be in here in my underwear. It was hard to get a word in becuz I was being treated like a major offender. I told her the way it was handled and that it shouldnt have come to her being in here talking to me in this tone anyway. She ended up having to tell Sabrina that SHE was supposed to handle any problems with the clients as she was the dorm mother and also that Mary should not have announced it over the speaker and also that she should not have discussed it publically.
It was then said that "this is over" and that Juanita was not coming in today so she would handle it.

I was so upset by the repeated terrorizing and me being blamed when I was the victim, as well as Sabrina saying things like " Mary doesnt do anything wrong" that I became upset, started to cry and for me to break down like that compared to what I have lived through it pretty unusual. I had been abused end of story. For all of Diago trying to tell me not to let things upset me, I cannot live in a an enviroment where I never know when I am going to be bullied or set up as such.
This is not jail and I refuse to start to learn to live that way. The way I live is bad enough.

I took my things and left. If it was not for the help of a man who stays there who I saw in the library I would be without a place to stay. I do not want to reveal his name as he may be harassed for assisting me.

The other women in the dorm expressed fear of Mary and said she also harassed them and mistreated them. The other resident who helped me here today explained the jail and recovery mentality of the place. He said what happened wasnt right.

This is the problem with faith based programs ...often its a front and the people act far from Christian. Also, the fact you cannot go through a sensible and just greivance process is a tip off and also leaves a victim without recourse. They are a private non profit.

I want to thank the few residents at the Mission who were helpful to me. To the couple that are young and married I hope you get all you need and want out of life and more, you are sweet and genuinely nice.
I want to thank the cooperation of Mayor Cooks office as well as Senator Shapleigh's office for their help in directing me to other resources as well as who oversees non profits in El Paso.

I am sure that the Mission is not meant to be run this way. As you can plainly see illustrated the good people in social services who try to help within a corrupt system only get exhausted over time or learn not to stick thier necks out too far. Dont blame them, blame the system that allows homeless shelters to exist under flimsy headings like non profit or faith based ( where was you Jesus when I was being harassed? His face is up on the walls in the form of paper hand outs from a Xerox machine.

We need a system that depends on the judgements of real people as well as FEDERAL STANDARDS for shelters. There are too many over board mentally ill, too much jail mentality, too much corrupt staff or residents taking over the place like a gang. The public and good intentioned faith organizations give and give and wonder why there is still a problem. I know people who sleep in the street becuz they dont want to stay at 'the jails'. Housing everyone is not the answer: drug addicts relapse and end up back in the shelters and some people couldnt handle living alone or do not feel safe. Social workers cannot give thier best if that is what they have to give, and the ones who assist corruption are not weeded out. Staff in more insane places like Pine St Boston or Woods Mullen (Intake/Long Island) are stressed out by a job that demands they constantly deal with far too many demographics of people often not knowing friend from foe at any given moment, thus they turn mean to deal with understaffing and an unsure hostile work enviroment.
I see nothing but manipulating and disregard for the homeless across this country, though I have seen some good shelters.

The problem is not with the homeless but the middle men between the Public and the Homeless population. Ignorance, manipulation and hiding conditions from the public cause a myth of never enough when in fact it is often the old game of Incompetence hides Corruption.

I also recall talking to another woman at the OC who say that she was harassed as well at the Mission so this is not just an isolated incident. However I do believe its more severe than I recall hearing before.
The Mission was going to be a good place for me to recomend before this. Its large enough with alot of things that give good example of how a shelter should be run for people. It has large showers that work, its cleaned daily, it has a clothing silo, it has an excellent up beat kitchen staff and the bunk beds are sturdy and offer a real rest. Also the option to stay in if you can is welcome to the weary and road tired nomad, especially one that has been through alot. However, its the dynamics of people in there that ruin a potentially great system. Sadly enough.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

A recent frightening tactic

Firstly if you are a survivor of truama based mind control or suspect you are please go to my other blog, which is the one marked ONMC in the links of my other work for some info on a certain TV show that is dangerously triggering and harmful.

We all know that cars park outside and people take notes etc as harassment and stalking. This has gone on for many years for some of us. Cars are very intimidating and are used not only for the perps/stalker to make a quick exit thus avoiding identification or confrontation, its also to make YOU the target feel as if you are powerless.

Let me start on a the level of the primitive which is where you NEED to be able to go alot in your thinking (while still remaining civil).
You are a human being. Alot of what is done is yes, the mob mentality. But its not an angry mob as that behavior by a group or an individual would be under temporary insanity in, say a court room. What you are experiencing is pre-meditated, executed with precision and highly sophisticated in its methods. It would be like a serial killer going for the insanity plea.

On a primitive level however you ARE BEING HUNTED and stalked. Your body reacts this way to the stress and other bio chemical changes occur I am sure. THE PERPS MUST KNOW THIS..I firmly believe they do. They seem to know every trick about how to freak a human being out and I am sure it is tailored to you individual via profiling and intel gathering. From what TI's experience this would seem logical.

When you enter the realm of the primitive you must see things from the cave man's view. A car is no longer just a machine it is can become a large beast that is as alive to the primitive mind as a saber tooth tiger was to our ancestors.
A story:
When I was younger I was partying and walking off a curb to cross street. As a car came by and missed me it was clearly a moment where things went in slow motion, which is what people often say about traumatic moments or car accidents upon impact.
The car seemed as if a primitive threat more akin to a large animal than a machine. I also lost all sense of anything modern, like my purse or the clothes I was wearing.

When a TI gets brightening or other tactics where the driver uses the car as his threat opposed to himself you have to realize its like a large beast stalking you in a very real primitive sense. Especially since TI's hardly ever see who the driver is or know who has ordered the stalking.
Keep this in mind as cars are used not only to protect the ID of the perp but as a psych out on a very primitive level.

A black car was parked outside the place I was staying night before last...I woke up becuz I knew I was being watched. Out of a dead sleep even. The car left as I checked it out thru the window.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

That last post on suicide

Now you know the one thing in this is not to trust anyone..even me. How do you know I am not an operative? Always try to think for yourselves.

Also I dont want people offing themselves. The point of that post was to NOT off yourself but also to illustrate that we are suffering and no one is listening.

The only people who occasionally pay attention are people like that twart who did the NY Times article about how we are all delusional. And he totally misrepresented our experiences as well. I dont recall the walls ever talking to me...maybe YOU took too much LSD while going to big school in Britain douche, but I dont hear voices like that. Moron. How many more times are they going to send idiots like that to discredit us. He's lucky this isnt old tyme England becuz we'd be outside his house with an f-ing effigy set alight. Bollocks you arsehole.

See all the fun things you can do to continue the fight? Yes, I agree with right to die but I'd much rather see you stay and fight. Becuz I want to rub these jerks faces in it if we win.

RE your latest comments and my recent posts-El Paso still

If I could be left alone for a day or a while I could write my book. It would include the interesting (and, not gushy love story stuff but Romanticism which this system seems to hate also) fact that the sun sets in Mexico here. I am staying at this place like right at the border. Juarez is like right across the highway. I can see it out my window where I sleep.

First of all : I love you guys. (ewww!) but thanks for always staying with this. And someone new has commented that I mentioned suicide a couple of times...I get that way. It is not only part of what the perps want for all TI's (forced suicide) I happen to be a survivor of what I believe to be by all that has happened trauma based mind control programming. My case is a text book one (if there was one). So suicide is a natural 'state' for me to go into or to end this sequence with. Its very ritualistic. And its mostly based on the fact that I have failed alot of what I am supposed to be about. Programming is very very cold. There is no feeling only commands...and there are no options out of it.
The perps know this and its the very reason I am stalked and harassed. It is obvious to me that I am being pushed due to thier controlling and sick system full of sick and controlling people that if I do not suicide I will respond or be shaped by the obvious behavior modification program I am in.

The main point of this is to aviod me remembering things..recovering memories. I was told by a psychologist in on it years ago when I was deprogramming NOT to go to a hypnotist becuz that would (heavy Russian accent) "Dat wud brink up much memery for yoo". The next session she told me that her diagnoses of me was that I was beautiful and lazy. (bitch).\

After the way I have been abandoned, toyed with and harassed and betrayed its more natural for me to be sad and suicidal. The fact I was what I was made it so they could torture me longer than most people.
I am often systematically shamed and humiliated. My internal systems are sensing that I cannot get anything done that needs to be done so there is a natural urge for the system to shut down ( suicide) simply out of practicality. I was obviously trained that my feelings mean nothing in the light of the mission or what needs to be accomplished. This is why the perps have to get to me personally and my emotions. ( All I am being told to do is write a book. Originally I wanted to reprogram myself to use my life experience to be a coucillor and help people. Since I am not allowed to do that Or anything but suffer for that matter, I go into a sequence where I want to let the world know what is going on and then just leave. Its only practical.)

For what I have been through and for the way I am held prisoner I percieve the world as not ever allowing me to exist or be a Self of my design I then always go to the plan that seems to avoid enslavement which is ..suicide. It is the final statement to tell this system that they cannot dictate to people how and what they should be. It is neither Satanic nor Godly. It is simply Mans right to define his own outcomes according to his own Will and a right to his/her primitive energies and the use of them.

We are coming into an era that seem to want to make everything NON THREATENING and devoid of True Power.
I believe it is becuz that way nothing is a threat to the enslavement system in itself. Like I have said before I would rather do overt battle than this crap they do to TI's. WHY? Becuz that wouuld let you know you are alive. There would be acknowledgement of the reality that it was truly happening.

What they do to TI's is brainwashing and its to make sure you stay powerless as a person. Therefore its only natural that, being denied my natural powers as human being via DNA or otherwise, I would rebel with ending my life. You simply cannot keep some people down...and if you try they will just leave thier bodies.


If suicide is what the perps want then turn it around on them. Dont be some unnoticed new story...and DONT go into a public place and start blowing people away. You'd have to be pushed pretty hard to complete suicide. And they want you to do that THIER WAY. They want you silently out of the way. F*ck them.
Make it known that if you go that far that it is for the purpose of giving a final high middle finger to thier controlling system of organized stalking, harassment and brain washing. And guess what?? When you have ideations of suicide and you frame them that end up coming out fighting again moreso than wanting to go right away.

Do you see how you can co opt thier desired outcomes? I am not saying go suicide, I am saying its your right to not want to be tortured and controlled and use it to show you have power over your own life. If you die in silence THEY WIN.


In this way I suppose I use suicide as a p.o.w would use a cianyde pill. Fair enough. That is MY choice and that is the way I AM. It is always something I will have as a back up plan if I am continually beaten down and kept down.

And I dont want to hear whining that I advocate suicide becuz these are special circumstances where Targets are being tortured..just the gang stalking and the betrayals are enough, much less the rest of it. And we have to watch the rest of the world go by all happy and sh*t which is probably the worst part of this. Yer not gonna keep me a prisoner for life. And my programming wont allow it anyway.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

People who think they are in on the destruction of a target

These people are the biggest cowards and idiots and remember that. Survivors of truama based mind control always get harassed and destroyed. I have heard that alot of the MK Ultra survivors have been reduced to the minds of children. This is about what it has always been about. Anyone who thinks its about thier social group, revenge, reform, teaching someone a lesson, personal gain..its all BS.

If I wasnt destroyed this way I would have been destroyed through suicide programming anyway.

There is no reason to live in a world where people smile at someone being destroyed. The public is obviously very delusional and fucked up. MK Ultra is not amusing nor is any other reason I or any other TI is harassed. I believe there are many people who becuz they are ignorant, are convinced I may be making this up or trying to get out of being reformed through a behavior modification type program. Obviously they are under cult type mind control or they are jsut sick sick sick.

What is happening to me, what is being done to me and what I have suffered is not being taken seriously. Alot 0f people seem to be into the idea that its cute or funny or that I am somehow cute or funny becuz according to thier logic or the dis info campaign I am simply trying to scam the system or avoid responsibilities.

I am an adult not a fucking child and I am suffering through severe torture and abuse in order to bring to light (and this is my only self defense and revenge) corruption.

Why people would smile at me or act like what is happening is nothing tells me that they are brainwashed or being fed false information. It happens all to often.

All I want is to tell what I know and end my life. I am not going to , as a 38 year old, be told how to behave after being set up and destroyed.
If I act like a child its becuz that is an alter in all tbmc survivors and if I am reduced to the level of a child its becuz the system wont let me be for a minute to regain my footing.

I will not be controlled or brainwashed into believing that this is right. I did nothing wrong and dont deserve what is happening to me.

I will not argue with a bunch of low lifes in shelters or misguieded Christinas or cops or whoever. Also the ones that arent convinced this is some mind game from me are harassing me in full knowledge that its criminal activity.

I encounter people constantly that think its funny that I am nervous and easily spooked. WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

So MK ULTRA is funny?? My mother being a radiation experimentee is fucking funny???? How so???

Gang stalking IS brainwashing

Inducing a person to modify his or her beliefs, attitudes or behavior by conditioning through various forms of pressure of torture.

This may be a cute video but its pretty accurate. Especially the part about occasional indulgences.
What is so striking about organized stalking and harassment is that it fits the definition of brainwashing completely.

What makes it unique and why people wont help is becuz authority figures who are percieved as helpful to a victim of coersion are now part of the attempts of brainwashing a target. Also, it's done out in public space or by invading the persons private space.

So who the hell is going to help you????

Organized group stalking and harassment of a targeted individual IS brainwashing/thought reform/behavior modification by definition.

Punative psychiatry
"Psychiatric hospitals were often used by the authorities as prisons in order to isolate political prisoners from the rest of society, discredit their ideas and break them physically and mentally;
as such they were considered a form of torture"


El Paso..well finally the real harassment started

Sooner or later it was going to happen. Cops, weirdos...the works. Sometimes I think they wait a few days to get you into a false sense of security so when they do start up again its somewhat devistating.

I am going to start putting my daily recordings up here becuz I have too much info as it is and its going no where.

What blows my mind about all this is how alone I am. How I have been not only totally abandoned but systematically ignored throughout this ordeal. I still cannot believe that the entire population would behave this way..and I am right. Its just that I am being isolated and abused so as not to let me out so I can get the word out or the story out.

If I were to do that, I would at least be able to reach some people who might be able to use this info or care about my story.

The most aggrevating thing about covert organized stalking and harassment is that the system defines you and no one ever really knows who you are as a person. All your potential is destroyed. Then if you act out, you are judged by how insane or crazed you are from being traumatized.

I feel I probably waited too long to tell my story. The damage has been done now and I know that no one cares...that all my potential has been reduced so greatly that I can never be what I wanted to be. My mother used to tell me that when I was little ...that " You'll never find what you are looking for in life and you'll never be what you want to be." This system seems to be making sure that people born into it keeps true to those words.
The only problem is that the gang stalking system wants you to actually LIVE that way. They want you to accept your situation..remember a perp said that to me. "They are mad at you becuz you are not accepting your situation." Nor will I ever live with what has been done to me.

No one is listening and no one cares and I cant be left alone for a minute to work or get a place or tell my story. However I will not give in to slavery. I will not give in to being cut down into nothing and altered permanently. They will not get a permanently retarded person out of this which is what they seem to be going for. They want to cause autism and brain damage so they can get controllable submissives (good citizens) that go along with whatever happens to them.

This will not be me. It never was me and there was never a good reason to destroy me. The gangstalking system is treating this like some sort of area of pride for they always get their TI and I am not going to spoil thier record. I notice that its always about what someone else wants, and that I am to be used for others purposes without a second thought.

I forsee that the rest of my life will be nothing but suffering and use and abuse. Activism does little when people dont do anything eventually. This has been little but entertainment for a brainwashed nation of imbeciles who worship and fear wealth over all else.

I caution you about suicide. The system is going to make it so you are so traumatized that you are shaky in your execution of things. Therefore your suicide will be just an attempt and therefore you will fail...then they can get you into some sort of hospital and really work you over to change you as a person or forget about who you are.

IF you take this route do not fail. Becuz if you do you will end up in a situation where they have complete control and they will win. Most people are so brainwashed either in this nation right now or by institutionalized harassment that they dont know it and cannot see what is happening to TI's for what it is. Alot of them, in my case dont even seem to take it very seriously...and all kinds of excuses are made up for reasons why. They are either programmed/conditioned from childhood or they have been brainwashed or it might even be dare I say mass mind control via tech.

What ever they are doing its horrible and wrong and I personally cant tolerate it much longer. Realize that when you are gone the usual lies will be made up about you. Or were weak or defective. A nothing. You were crazy or delusional. Etc Etc. That you deserved it..the official line will always be crazy or disturbed. The perps who whisper in the ear of the public will always use other more sinister methods of convincing.

It seems that the system wants everyone to be on the internet, and everyone who is targeted to confess everything about themselves to the public. REMEMBER PUBLIC DISCLOSURE IT PART OF BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION and cult mind control. It also takes your life from you by making it so you have no private life left.

Anxiety and shame are being used in this country along with classic trauma based mind control tactics to create a controlled society. Who knows who is really behind it. It could be some other foriegn country who owns us without is knowing it or even a foriegn religion who is being allowed to influence us.
Sometimes what we go through seems very Protestant with all this (needless) suffering equallying some kind of spirituality (roll eyes now). Other times it seems Muslim, with the idea of cleansing or converting/reforming. Who ever or whatever the idea they need to mind thier own business becuz all they are really doing is covering up for corruption by silencing victim witnesses.

I think it is pathetic that the only time I feel ok is when I get onto the internet...when before all this got frequent and constant I cared little for computers becuz I did not like them...people kept saying I had techno fear, that I was afraid of them. NO I simply did not care for them. Now magically my life depends on them..hmmmmm. Sound like coercion into a certain life style? Yep. Sure is.

So here is some audio. I am going to put up a disclaimer about all my audio entries. Basically that I am under duress and that some of what I say may be offensive. And that if you dont believe of like what you are hearing then go listen to something else.

Really it might be best if I tell my story first so people can tell that I have been through hell and that I have been tortured thus they may understand why I sound the way I do sometimes. I am afraid if I put it out there now that itll just get used against me to prove how nuts I am.

All I really want to do is put the story out there and arrange for a funeral pyre that will be like a peice of to make up for all I have never been allowed to produce. I know that there will be plenty of sickos out there who I can use to my ends to put it on film and at least have SOMETHING to my name. Sad how all the expendables end up like Valery Solanis isnt it??? Makes one wonder about her claims about a certain corrupt agency. Maybe she was targeted and not crazy.

After all this is over the public will all benefit from the research that was done from early on up til now and beyond. No one will care about our deaths. Just like they dont care now.

Death would be fine without torture. That is probably the worst.

However, death would be the bravest way out and the most sensible. It would prevent further torture and not allow the perpetrators to say that they can indeed alter someone, or that they can use this system for social control where everyone is reformatted then placed. It would also guarentee that no one can torture you anymore.

There are those who do not suffer who truly believe that you are on this earth to suffer for them. That that is your place. They really think they are better than you deviod of your looks, talent or intelligence. They really think that is the way the world should be set up.

To suicide leaving full disclosure of what happened including what you know about human experimentation is to show that you knew full well what was going on and you would not put up with it. It is to show that humans cannot be pushed around this way and that you will NOT conform under pressure. That jealousy and corruption are NOT acceptable reasons to alter someones life or torture them.
This planet does not have long to go before alot of things humans have done to thier environment takes lives anyway. And you have alot of people who have given up and are quitters involved in organized stalking just becuz THEY cant stand up and fight the way you do. I notice that the disatisfied losers of life as well as the totally mind controlled both rich and poor are heavily into the fantasy provided by organized stalking.

You need not be thier plaything or Jesus any longer. I notice that these types would never dare to go up against real authority or the people who truly make thier lives miserable. They are all cowards and they are going to get theirs. They already have pathetic lives so let them live them.

However if you can stand it keep on living..if you cant make sure you slam them with an expose that will sting, tear rip and destroy. DESTROY.

Then leave, and as you do hold up your middle finger as you do to show humanity exactly what you think of them.
Global warming and air pollution will soon take care of the rest. Have faith in that for sure.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Heres the scam kids...(TIME article on mc),8599,1841108,00.html

Heres what ya do. You get grants and money for experimentation where you already know the results so you can fund other projects that are smaller.

You have to make sure that if you are corporate especially the results look like they were done by you and humanely as well as then you own those results.

If you do experimentation now you
1- get money
if you admit you have been doing it all along or longer and it is connected to inhumane experimentation that is illegal you would then have to
2- give money away to victims


You then get everything you have been aiming for from the get go, the public only knows about what you tell them as 'official' and you appear to be heroes when you reveal the latest and greatest scientific findings.

The public is enamored with you and as long as enough of them benefit from the results of early experiments than the victims will always be ignored.

Just like enough people were pacified in this country through out the past 10 years of non sense so that as long as they had thiers too bad about yours.
This will continue.

They are going to ignore us and keep gangstalking us..becuz our claims are legit and there is reasons to show cause. This is why the results must be made to appear from legit testing and experiments...even though anyone with a brain and common sense can see the connections through out to illegal and unethical human experimentation.

Recognizing victims isnt fact it will cost you.

This is why for life we will be ignored and held prisoners.

Link to 'Changing faces of Time'./MK Ultra vid

I am most interested in the MK Ultra vid at the bottom. Couldnt figure how to embed it. The other stuff on this site I would just ignore:

NOW first of all I understand that alot of these people look like hell and some seem just nuts.


SO keep in mind that some of these people might be not who and what they say they are. One would have to do investigation on them all. HOWEVER, SOME PEOPLE CAN SHOW CONNECTIONS THROUGH DOCUMENTATION to human experimentation.

That being said....secondly what aggrevates me about this vid is that people are demanding this and that and no one is kicking ass. Whattaya gonna do bout it? THAT is the real deal. Just becusz you demand something does not mean that someone is going to comply.

Do you honestly think that the sort of mercenary, selfish, vicous people who perpetrated these activities are going to just say 'ok' to demands presented in such a way?

What is being done to survivors now and their children it seems is to use MK Ultra like behavior modification/thought reform as well as what is likely technologies to alter people and/or keep them silent.

I dont want this kind of life..if you do I cant understand it. I have been kept from all the things I could have done in life and everyone acts like I either deserve this, need to be imprisoned and 'kept' in this manner or they handle people like me by acting like its nothing.

It IS nothing to them. Becuz all for the benefit of the perpetrators is what matters. You or I dont matter. We are tools to get to a certain end. There are alot of brainwashed and/or enevolved people out there who help and support what is being done to us.


The worst might be them saying to us things like 'I hope you find peace' which is in the same vein as 'You'll be fine' and 'Youre strong you can take it' or other such BS handling tactics.
Peace this... you cannot intimidate, handle or brainwash the facts or the truth.

You can only hold people in a constant holding pattern and silence people. You can keep up the maintenance on your altering of what the real situation is...but you can never change what it real, what is happening or what has happened.

Furthermore they depend on cyber activism being just cyberspace.

The 'official' story is still going to match thier desired outcomes.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Moved to another shelter El Paso, more harassment

Had to leave the other place for legit health concerns (as usual). Went to shelter that is very well known here and usually well run. In shelters that pride themselves on being well run the harassment will be arranged to come from a client that later staff can act like it was an isolated incident or it was other guests...not coming from thier place or staff. If they set it up right, the higher ups who want a well run place need not know what is going on in the individual shelter. I have experienced this before.

I should have known and for reasons I wont get into.
I was harassed and it was outrageous. I went to staff and finally they said they would handle it. Once they learned that the woman who abused me was being passed off to me as staff he couldnt act like I was just being spoiled or complaining (which is a common way to cover for harassment with me).

He said I shouldnt document what happened becuz, of course he would take care of it for me (contain it at this level is what he is doing).
We'll see.

What creeped me out the most is that he said something like " Its keeping you in line.. you arent letting anyone push you around or crossing that line"... it actually sounded like he was advocating harassment as behavior modification of some kind. Does that incluce ruining my health, my talent and my lungs due to mold exposure? Or all the torture I have suffered?

What needs to be 'kept in line' is the atypical harassment and stalking that survivors of MK Ultra and the radiation experiments get per usual.

I listened at the door of the woman who perpetrated the abuse last night. Last night later I heard her planning something for tonite and trying to get another woman in on it by telling her to give me a certain chore where the bleach she would force me to use would make me sick. Hearing this I figured it was in my best interest to tell staff this morning. I also heard the woman trying to convince the other woman to go along by manipulation and rationalizing:

One of the women is in recovery. The Perp said something and then the woman who was nice to me said " I been there and done that too" and then the Perp said " Yeah but your not a ho" and there was this the other woman was falling into her way of thinking.

Even if it wasnt about me, you can plainly see what is focused on in the cases of harassment. Whatever can be used to target the person, whether its true or not, intimated or in the past. Even the way you look is used against you. And the gang stalkers know how to get others on their side and manipulate people. Its all they do is set up a TI.

It seems that someone from the outside gives the place a little visit, then someone staying there does the actual harassment well as gets others to join in. Its usually someone abusive by nature.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

In El Paso

(tried to edit this yesterday..didnt take.)
Using a college public system. When you sign on it specifically states user is subject to monitoring by security or college least they are honest. I suspect that is every college library one goes to..or public systems in general. What I liked about this warning was that it shows that this is going on..which then puts a human being or beings behind what is happening to TI's opposed to people saying yer paraniod for realizing that yer being monitored and messed with. Well DUH.
All in the name of security. And making our country strong. I cannot wait until these fools see what exactly they have bought into..and I hope its soon. I didnt buy into it but but I have to deal with it anyway.

So the harassement in Tucson was so constant I couldnt get a moments peace. I mean like every few minutes. Drive by's mostly... I left becuz the shelters are awful. Homeless women without children as usual had the least options. Unless of course yer willing to do a million bible studies as well as church. I dont mind chores or paying into the place...but church overdose. They use Christianity on the homeless population there in order to mind control them into putting up with crappy conditions. I have seen how much money is in AZ. They can do better than that.

The place I was at..this one woman owns a bunch of places....a monopoly. I also have something else very intersting I discovered but I dont have time now.

I arrived in El Paso, cuz its the only thing I could afford with money I had left. The first shelter I hit here there were women on a shift that said that they will run homeless people out of AZ. Also she winked at me and said " they have other problems too". I asked like what. She said "Drugs". That Tucson was a straight shot up the highway for distribution...with all I have been thru you'd think I would have known that or seen it. But my focus is on covert war and mind control and the harassment and stalking and psych warfare that survivors go thru typically. Screw their drug dealing BS. That is simple compared to this. F*cking walk in the park.

So here I am, dont get excited about reporting where I am cuz here it is.

Already got perped but its simpleton level. Got my gear w/ me still.

No time left and colleges are closing for spring break. Shelter not perfect....face puffed out this morning so must be mold or other such has my allergies going, but at least I can breath. In Tucson couldnt breath and felt brain fog afdter night there. Had to leave.

Still trying to make me out to be drug informant. Typical.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Why no revolt then?

Well, genius, just add mc tech and chemicals to your "How did USA get to this point?"..

Besides what else is happening is that man senses the enviroment changing. He knows there are too many people on the planet.

Instinctively man senses that something must be done. However, this is a brainwash using peoples will to survive against them.

There is no need to have let it get this far and there is not need to have to be dealing with the problem by dumbing people down and zoning them out and asking them to sit by while the world is cleansed and things are equalized.

It would be like a TI giving in naively to the intimation that the harassment will stop once you agree with thier version of things. Allegedly there are people who have done this and they dont get left alone...and now they are discredited. Where is it in writing that you're going to get a fair deal anyway?

People are intimidated mostly and they are being conned--true enough. But there are instances of mind control being used.

And what do you think would happen if there was an attempted revolt? It would be stopped before it started (informants, surveillance) and if not it would be taken care of and never make the news. (no cred).

People have left thier primitive human societies to the point where they are now frightened to live like primitives in order to rebel. America is just being sensible. And alot of people probably believe in the vision for the future and the schtick about us setting example for the rest of the world. Americans are not going to give up what they have to tell the govt to stick it. I wish they would but...sometimes it even seems to them that this is an unfathomable idea. Like they just never consider it an option.

The article is right...they have thiers so what do they care?
It's only people like me who have been stripped of everything that are going to return to a primitive state.

What is bad about this is that ALL man is in danger due to pollution.

No matter what is happening, there is no excuse for enslaving the minds of men to this extent. What could need to be done that it is this important? Even if man is dying out he has a right to freedom....unless the enslavers are promising to save man in exchange for enslavement.
I suppose that is the silent unverbalized agreement that everyone has entered...

You better hope the Other keeps thier end of the deal.

The systems they are using are far too intrusive to be normal..
I mean what are we getting out of this?

I know for me that there is a definate sense of people trying to change me with the promise that is I only follow the brain dead script that I will have a good life and be more secure, happy and prosperous...if only I would give up being Me.

These are outrageous and ridiculous demands...but often there is little one can do with the use of such constant pressure coupled with frequent moments of such intrusive force.

Being a woman I am not blind to what this simulates. And it is something reserved for the bedroom with a trusted lord of one's heart..not the state, the Fed or "God". And without consent it is rape undeniably and it is I am sure utterly unenjoyable as well as damaging...and constantly unpleasant.

What is the attitude of the aggressor? You will learn to like it.

Fuck You.

fascism in the USA

Why am I so quick with some things and so retarded at other subject matter? Political science is one of them.. cutting up the way people live into Marxist or capitalist...etc.

I guess its the fact that never actually being wealthy myself, all the run ins I have had with leftist rebellious brats has left a bad impression on me. All they DO is sit around and talk about the world in political science terms. Then when you tell them what poverty issues are really like from the front lines they actually have the audacity to suggest
1-you are wrong
2- that isn't the way it really is

So perhaps after political terms being used to make me feel stupid (the blah blah of the proletariate is bladdy blah and the fascist capitalsit system is formed on the blood of the workers and the bladdy blah socialist nationalist collective communist la la la la......)

Looking at the language of this subject I just go blank and I dont know why. Like this article listed here on the other page.. " The political economy of capitalism"..uh. Ok.
It just looks like a bunch of words with different meanings stuck together.
When it comes to political science I am like a person who can't appreciate jazz.. to these types it just sounds like a bunch of people playing different instruments at the same time.

And in my lifetime it has been used as a weapon on me by jealous rich white kids to make themselves feel superior that they werent as attractive or as talented as me. They use it to invalidate people living on the front lines. They are akin to the person speaking of the battle in terms of strategies they read about but the person they are talking to was a soldier who was really there fighting.
They are ultimately obnoxious.

So I guess when people were saying we were turning into a fascist state I either didnt take it seriously or didnt really understand its true meaning.

The problem is now that people think this new administration will change things. How can they go up against corporate power if that is what is fueling the problem?

It is good to know that this is a whole huge problem..however for some of us its very specific in nature. Some of us are targeted for specific reasons and it wouldnt change even if it was different environment.

I mean I can see what is happening but its certainly not intellectually processed. If it was I might be sitting around talking about it instead of living this way..taking some sort of action.

re: comments from Ashes 08


Its ok....whats inappropriate is organized stalking and harassment...and the other stuff we go through. Also I have someone with multiple e-mail addresses crowding up the comments area. Thats inappropriate.

Dont worry long as you are helping other TI's and you are contributing..and trying to fight as the rest of us are there is little you can do to other TI's that is as f*cked up as what the perps do.

I am in this hystericaly bad shelter...I know I am close to the border of Mehico but I didnt think I was IN MEXICO. Later-

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Book- Hitlers suppressed and still secret, weapons, science and technology,M1

Page 27..The Electromagnetic Vampire from

..I started with page 27. Surely go through the rest of the book. And dont be put off by the now cartoonish much caracatured image of Hitler. Forget him....and that whole image idea or ideal. Its the tech and the weapons that should be of interest here.

There is too much of mentioning Hitler and using comparisons to the Holocaust.. Dont you get it hat the world has stopped listening to that. Also the generation that is old enough to tell us about it are just about gone. I am young enough to recall first hand stories from WW II servicemen and women.



Uhh..I dont mean to seem picky but can you please keep the comments focused on the subject matter and pertaining to being informative and educational for other TI's. Hate to be hardass but if its personal messages or too off the subject or incoherent I will have to just delete them. This is for other TI's not fans of my looks or intellect.

Obama making you lazy is it perhaps? It was easier to see when it was all out war wadnit?

Not so easy to stay resistant now is it. Alot of the remote influence has been lifted I notice...

It is not OK now. This is the time when they want all victim witnesses (every TI who knows the deal) to disappear. During the convenient diversion that is the economic situation.

Stay focused.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Whistleblowers article 2- LA TImes '03, Go it alone

ESPN article-Whistleblowers of college sports corruption

Good article...

..except for once again the attempt to hide the existence of the organized stalking and harassment system:

"I've been rendered homeless, slept in cars, slept on the ground," said Norma McGill, the former Ohio State teaching assistant whose allegations in July of academic misconduct involving Maurice Clarett continue to engulf the reigning national champions. "It's been very hard."

McGill's is a dramatic case -- perhaps too dramatic, some have suggested. Her former boss at the African-American and African Studies department has questioned the mental fitness of the former graduate student, who concedes she has wrestled with clinical depression in the past. It's easy to wonder if the scandal alone forced her into life on the street in her hometown of Lexington, Ky.

But McGill is by no means the first whistleblower to flee the pressure cooker of a college town."

This article is great becuz it basically illustrates organized stalking without calling it by a phrase or label and demanding it, as a system be validated. But alot that goes on with someone getting targeted is talked about or alluded to.

Above also shows how the target can be discredited easily. And the writer doesnt seem to bow down to that opinion.

Granted 'TI's' are dealing with other issues that I am not sure these whistleblowers deal with, but alot of what goes on with TI's is similar if not the same system in part.

I can see how the American public see thier whistleblowing as useless and disruptive. They probably figure that these athletes should just go on to do what they do best and not be bothered with acedamics. The payoff will be in thier sport and they will make thier money there.

The public have no such claims with TI's. There is no payoff or alternative to some other life that we are going onto so the corruption doesnt really hurt anyone. Especially if its life long and connected to bigger more controversial issues.

However, this article was validating. We are not so non existent anymore..I have posted before that we are akin to victim witnesses and we are whistleblowers I guess.

And that is the attitude...that the claims we make are unsubstantiated and coming from people of no value..

We didnt start this war and also we are given little choice but to take action. In my case for instance its not like I could have taken the choice to not point out corruption or was given that choice. I was given no other option other than to fight for my life.

All the other options offered me to preserve silence were actually putting my life more at risk.

The arrogance comes in when the people in on it and around you have the attitude that they and the system can just disgard you after destroying you. And the subject matter alot of us are targeted for is kept under wraps by making sure that we look like its been easy to get rid of us, when actually it has taken so much money and sophisticated psychological ops to even lessen our memories and abilities..and power.