After today fate must be smiling on me as an acquaintance is passing through. And I need that right now as the fake squatter kids in Harvard Sq are either mean to me or shun me totally probably due to being local and knowing my circumstances. Everyone in the Boston area shuns me unless they understand fully that I am being railroaded as one perp called it trying to slip me info, or if they are of a very kind or just nature.
I need my outside friends now as it seems a matter of local pride to SIDE WITH MY ENEMIES. I hope I can live to make Boston fully regret that behavior.
Also I notice that the squat got very quiet with the addition of a few people. No more clowns making weird noises, or frequent drive by beeping that was too often to be random. Its nice again like it was upon my arrival.
Tonight I was watching someone play with my computer and a realization hit, perhaps from my own thoughts or something I was picking up from a girl I squat with.
All at once I realize that I am correct in all that I have believed is going on and all I have claimed. I often myself try to keep my situation compartmentalized. If I took in the reality of how horrible this is-the hard reality of that, I would kill myself immediately. And I cannot do that until I write a story and tell the world just how I got to this point.
The very fact that my own mother was arrogantly telling me "You can write a book but nobody is going to believe you"...I have for years had to keep info about my family compartmentalized.
I kept having to negotiate with myself. Like my grandmother saying "Dont go into Cambrige and Brookline or it will just be war back and forth." Then a year or so later I contact my family and out of nowhere she makes that statement about medication. "We miss you...well, not perfect but how about some medication?". I hung up and realized I was truly all alone in this or so I thought. For years I had to convince myself with those two memories but could never bring myself to put the two together,that I had truly been so manipulated and betrayed by my family, that they were indeed as evil as people had been trying to warn me about all my life or as I had experienced. Its just such a shock...its different, that kind of shock compared to years of them just being manipulative and torturing me or keeping me down.
And they really believe they are going to get away with it. A statement like "You can write a book but no one is going to believe you" says that pretty much. What blows my mind is the way they play with my compartmentalization.
Tonight it really became evident that my story is so unbelievable and that its fairly easy to discredit me due to making me appear unstable to begin with and my claims just sound like more insanity. But something keeps telling me that I should continue on. That people WILL believe me if only I just tell the truth, and tell it as it happened going according to years of documentation. That this is my job to map out a case like this to show just how sinister people can be.
I think in the post Bush world America is a bit less naive about the nature of pure burning Hellish 'evil'. You felt the burn during Bush- welcome to MY world. Welcome to a lifetime of slavery in a family like mine.
Americans are not very well versed in the ways and nature of evil. They seem to think its the exception when it may be the norm. Its the things that people do that you dont see.
One has got to keep an eye on ones own perspective and not internalize outsiders opinions. If I had been left alone to heal properly my eccentricities would have been formed into the expression of my talents that I was always discouraged and stifled from expressing.
I see now that in our naive and shallow world its easy for ignorant people to actually believe that an eccentric person could be capable of the smear that the gang stalking system comes up with, or our betrayers come up with.
The pedo thing is probably the most hurtful as I cant really have children of my own due to past endometriosis surgeries and my age at this point. Especially with whatever is going on intergenerationally with health issues most likely from my mothers exposure to radium I wouldnt risk a child into this world..and if how I have been treated is any indication I dont want the kid targeted as well.
To think that I could hurt a child is...well its just awful. I had a tantrum in front of Julie and her kid once due to not being able to deal with her bullshit or Jakes anymore, or my family. Do you realize how insane Julia is especially to live with? She is total chaos. But she was also one of the best friends I ever had. She was one step up from my own family- not only did she use her hard life to actually make something out of it, screwed up as it may be, but she was very realistic about how f*cked up she was as well as how f*cked everyone else is and the world at large. Very different from those losers I come from who have to, as our statey friend put it 'pretend your life is meaningful somehow.' The thing that kills me is that through gang stalking and isolating me from my own past as well as my friends and family, the system has guarenteed I will never be anything in life due to me no longer having access to my own life exeperience. Its like years of living and learning were more than they thought I deserved or something.
I shouldnt take it so personally, the gang stalking system uses pedo accusations on every TI it targets almost. Its become so common I once read an article from Britain I think where it made fun of this tactic over here by stating that anyone who is an activist now is a terrorist or a pedophile. It made me feel better that outside the prison walls of the US someone knew what was being done to us here.
What people percieve is so quickly picked up and utilized by the gang stalking system that the Target just does NOT have time to prepare. They dig deep into what they can use and they move stealthfully and quickly until its time to strike, then they move hte smear and exposure campaign so fast that you have no idea the web they are weaving around you.
Do to the nature of the campaign you are not thinking about public perception, you are thinking either 'what the hell is going on?' or you are simply falling under brainwashing by starting to lose logic and critical thinking and slowly believe that you are a bad person, must have done something wrong and eventually consider suicide. Its extremely nasty and for something that involved one has to wonder why one is such a threat.
Its like this resistance against me, its like the public would rather help keep me down from writing a book than to read about the awful truth. They would rather just believe that I am awful and deserve to be destroyed. This is how afraid of thier overlords they are. They want to hate me, its easier than seeing thier oppressors for what they are and acknowledging them for what they have done.
Jake once commented like an adult informing a child that people dont see talented people for what they are often times, and when he said it, he was looking away if he was saying it so an authority figure couldnt hear it said. He sometimes, like Julia, would have to explain to me the way the world worked and about people, like an adult does to a child. People like me dont have alot of exposure to the world or people. We are kept on a very tight leash as kids even and overprotected from exposure to the world. I look back now and cant believe how selective my foster mother was about playmates. I was always so isolated and protected like I was worth a million dollars or something.
And to think that the wheels in Jake's head started turning when he discovered the way my life had gone: "Your family has basically written you off", and all the other comments about strange circumstances in my life and how naive I was about things. So he knew the whole time and in the end it was so easy to take advantage of it all.
And I am expected to just reliquish all that I could have had to a bunch of horrible people who cashed in on the Bush era and thought I would be easy to get rid of. I am just supposed to bow gracefully. Why would I do that? This system believes with enough pressure over time it will get its damn way. And it knows its wrong or it wouldnt need to keep interferring with a book being written if it wasnt so worried about being exposed.