Able to write now as its past 12 midnight, quiet.
Had been targeted last few days very badly, lots of internalizing shame and 'no one is going to believe you', very much discouraging book again.
Other day when very depressed before it rained, I was once again being pushed to desperation and in the end that was to end with me confessing everything I knew about old associates. Once again if focuses on confession. I was almost forced into it too if it had not rained.
Its obvious that this is terminal, that there is nowhere safe to escape its influence. Its as if all that matters is proving that a person like myself can be deprogrammed by force and then give confession as well as complete a behavior modification program after being broken down.
Also, Rebecca that woman in St Louis who was in on this kept stating "You're going to have to start all over again", or maybe it was that chubby girl from Maryland that was there with us. One of that stated that and its been running itself through my head lately. I dont heed it however as I refuse to 'start all over again' due to the fact that this never should have occured to begin with and I could have had a good life by now if other methods were allowed, like deprogramming using my own Will, not being forced into an abusive, destructive behavior modification program.
I sensed that something very early on in this, like during my stay in that apartment in Brighton, scanned me or somehow could read what was within me, my make up inside and judged that there was a weak spot or a break internally, in the Will or emotionally, and that is the main reason for this program being used. Well of course years of abuse and being programmed internally via tbmc will do that you know.
How is it anyone;s business but the survivor's as to how to heal oneself?? Its almost as if it was deemed necessary that I be scarred so severely that would heal up any inner wounds that pre existed. Typical violent, very masculine, invasive medical thinking. 'Rip those muscles and they will grow back stronger'.
Yeah that really helped with preserving my health now, and assisted in my artwork. If anything it destroyed any very sensitive part of me that was capable of producing artwork. Whoever is behind this is militant, hardheaded, male-centric and sick.
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There is a cover story and excuse for every thing they do. Well, it's for your own good, and say if you get harassed in a Wal-Mart parking lot, well then some idiot was caught masturbating in his car, so the harassment is a good tough love to prevent me from lingering around to witness those misdeeds. Or, to prevent me from doing it. Typical excuses, and they are not acceptable. Making compromises is not acceptable.
ReplyDeleteI believe you've mentioned one of your relatives is a genetic engineer? I myself am one by education. I've had roommates and "friends" that were so abusive and controlling, combined with the level of study required to make it through, I literally wondered if something inside me was going to break, like my sanity. This hellish experience prepared me for this gangstalking prison, and I believe it is what prepared me.
I have a few people trying to council me and tell me I'm an engineer, I should be writing specs and making 6 figures, but being an educator is something I've always wanted to do. So I don't see any harm in "downgrading" to take a teaching position over the well-paying engineering job. My last job, the boss was this weird, tough, blowhard, like a 55 year old hardass drill sergeant wannabe, who, get this -- was also an amateur psychologist. Now when I first found that out, I was so fricking like shocked as hell. I mean, just one year earlier, I had this roommate, 22 years old, who was the same deal -- amateur psychologist who also was my handler. Both of these were a lot like Brian Wilson's psychologist, the stories he was telling. The boss kept saying stuff like he wanted to get my thought processes figured out, and he was trying to handle me to produce, like use all kinds of psychology on me to make me "think clear". Ironic, isn't it, that the asshole roommate who smoked pot and insisted on going after "high school chicks" was the same deal, just a year earlier. And I never had time to heal. I thought I was going to freak. My healing from the handler psycho roommate was almost complete, and along comes another asshole handler. I don't think those two experiences were gangstalking related, as they happened years before the perps went overt on me. But boy, I sure have not had great luck with this stuff. It was like years of contiguous overlap. Just when I got away from one abuser and/or handler, another came along just weeks or months after the other left.
ReplyDeleteThat last experience with the mob boss lookalike was with Raytheon. Now I understand Raytheon could be a major player in this mind control business. From my experience with gangstalking, he could've simply been trying to pump me for info so he could forward it to perps working for Raytheon. So maybe he wasn't really interested in reading my mind, but a facade he was using to pump me for info. Still had a scary vibe to him, though. Most perps do. Also suspicious is that they hired me without an interview. He claimed he told the HR people to hire me, because me resume looked good enough. Then he was delving deeper into stuff on my resume, under the guise of well we're just trying to help you. There it is again, just trying to help. I was so weird, like I honestly believed he was interested in looking at my resume to figure out why I wasn't producing (according to him), but he had this whole "just curious" attitude about it all... trying to inquire about my past work, getting more detail.
ReplyDeleteSo perps associated with Raytheon could have set this whole thing up, as the child company was going under anyways, to beat me down and get info out of me. How else could I have gotten hired without an interview? Also, the last week I worked there, the boss wasn't doing the stuff he was doing all along the prior 5 months. No more thought processes and delving into my thoughts/mind. That sure is curious. The roomate-handler from a year earlier was doing the same thing our last week together. Like we're not friends, we're roomates. Funny how he wanted to be such a friend, he was trying to see inside my head and "help" me with psychology. Now that we were parting, he all of a sudden ditched his creepy persona, and was normal, just like the boss a year later.
It was a weird experience, one I will never forget ever. That was back in 1992. Or maybe those two were weird fuckers and everything else was coincidence. hard to say. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be surprised, as this stuff is done so covertly, I would never have known anyways.