Able to write now as its past 12 midnight, quiet.
Had been targeted last few days very badly, lots of internalizing shame and 'no one is going to believe you', very much discouraging book again.
Other day when very depressed before it rained, I was once again being pushed to desperation and in the end that was to end with me confessing everything I knew about old associates. Once again if focuses on confession. I was almost forced into it too if it had not rained.
Its obvious that this is terminal, that there is nowhere safe to escape its influence. Its as if all that matters is proving that a person like myself can be deprogrammed by force and then give confession as well as complete a behavior modification program after being broken down.
Also, Rebecca that woman in St Louis who was in on this kept stating "You're going to have to start all over again", or maybe it was that chubby girl from Maryland that was there with us. One of that stated that and its been running itself through my head lately. I dont heed it however as I refuse to 'start all over again' due to the fact that this never should have occured to begin with and I could have had a good life by now if other methods were allowed, like deprogramming using my own Will, not being forced into an abusive, destructive behavior modification program.
I sensed that something very early on in this, like during my stay in that apartment in Brighton, scanned me or somehow could read what was within me, my make up inside and judged that there was a weak spot or a break internally, in the Will or emotionally, and that is the main reason for this program being used. Well of course years of abuse and being programmed internally via tbmc will do that you know.
How is it anyone;s business but the survivor's as to how to heal oneself?? Its almost as if it was deemed necessary that I be scarred so severely that would heal up any inner wounds that pre existed. Typical violent, very masculine, invasive medical thinking. 'Rip those muscles and they will grow back stronger'.
Yeah that really helped with preserving my health now, and assisted in my artwork. If anything it destroyed any very sensitive part of me that was capable of producing artwork. Whoever is behind this is militant, hardheaded, male-centric and sick.