did i ever reveal the story of dr emmerich? another very hard ptsd memory to fight everyday.
there are a number of actions by specific people that acted as controls to make sure that I did not tell my story or what was going on. my mother telling me "you can write a book but no one is going to believe you" was one of them.
the other major one was my psychiatrist of many years turning on me. that was so damaging it helped the other harassment tear my mind apart for years. and like the coward she is she did it by mail.
a Dr at Mcleans actually knows what happened but he didnt come out and say it he just said that i need to make sure i have good people around me and avoid...well its obvious what he was intimating- bad people or people who will screw me over. we were discussing my fears over past bad experiences or the capacity of the system to mistake or abuse diagnoses. he knew right away what she had done.
he then worked with my fears of being labeled and said i was heavily overworked exhausted and traumatized temporarily from moving around so much.
this has been the hardest threat to deal with as i have lived in fear of having a person with such cred at a major hospital in writing attempt to label me.
The beauty of this is she or someone else wud have to go back and either fabricate records or alter them somehow and with the tech being as good as it is to fake things nowadays as well as the amount of money and power this systems seems connected to I just figured I would lose.
Over the 7 or so years I worked with this woman the only diagnoses that was come up with was anxiety and perhaps depression occasionally, SAD wich is depression when it is the worst of winter months. she never really had time to talk so how could she know what was going on with me? she was very good over the years as other psychiatrists were just mean to me by wanting to push heavy drugs for simple anxiety. when i would insist on behavioral therapy and psychology it just wouldnt work out. i realized later i was jsut a survivor of a traumatic life and needed restructuring to go through memories and talk therapy.
i never found a good therapist. it was probably hard for them as programming has many traps for people seeking therapy. you'll give the person a hard time or dislike them for no reason. or when they get to close youll flood constantly which truama victims do anyway. its amazing how a therapist will sit there and listen to a client flood instead of stopping them and and telling htem they are doing so and then try to help them.
there are so many bad therapists...i wud always get people that never seemed to do thie job. i was told later that many of these instances may have been the passive side of the organized stalking and harassment system which is non action; people not doing thier jobs or handing the TI bullshit or stonewalling-that sort of thing.
my appointments with her were only 15 minutes for years until the harassment got very bad and she agreed to see me longer during the stressful time.
she tried in a sort of lame way to help me with the moldy apartment situation but when it came to that no one seemed to help too much. beyond writing letters on my behalf.
and also i had brought to her my use of self talk for therapy and was always curious as to how to use this constructively. its written by other survivors that things like self talk, fantasy addiction and other lofty uses of a trapped human mind and spirit are used to not only deal with trauma but to deal with keeping the intellect and talent alive.
she always said it was a habit from childhood and to destroy it would be harmful. but she never gave any advice on how to use it more constructively either.
as the harassment grew and became very bad she actually started admitting what was gong on (as many people did) with the ever elusive 'they' in the picture. "They need to know someone is advocating for you". why was it so hard for everyone around me to tell me the truth about what was transpiring?
(also i will have it known that my mother's attempt to suggest i am mentally ill like my father was not suggested until she turned on me in the car that day. only since i was dealing with harassment was this suggested and it was suggested when she had me alone, it was suggested after her telling me that "when i was dealing with the syndacate i always took the harassmen to mean know your place bitch" and years of her telling me that its the feds during the investigation and that they will probably cease and dissist after they realize i 'dont know anything'. also when i told my grand mother what she suggested in the car she denied it with a look on her face as if sheepish. the next day she had her mother trapped in a room with loud crocidile tears talking about my condition with anna in there saying "why dont you try to help her" and betty just rolling on with the drama trying pathetically to be manipulative.
why was it never suggested i was mentally ill before the harassment?
Becuz HER MOTHER HAS BEEN USING SELF TALK TO DEAL WITH TRAUMA FOR YEARS. so it was a conflict when it was intimated by the gang stalking system that i was somehow crazy for what has always been regarded as mere eccentric habit or something everyone knew i was doing to deal with traumatic circumstances.
people do it all the time: people talk on thier cell phones when no one is there to either deflect attention or appear busy or popular. Paris Hilton does it to often to deflect attention of paparazzi or whoever. people who live alone often do this as well.
watching my mothers family for years and over the years becoming more and more of an outsider as i realized they were what NA calls 'toxic' it was interesting to me to keep going over the denial of certain circumstances. like my grandmothers self talk for instance. it was laughed at in old school Irish spirit as a bit of family insanity and talked about with amusement and ignored. "shes been doing that for years". she would be up in the bathroom our downstairs on the washing machine.
First of all when a woman is as talented as my grandmother and circumstances like a lack of womens rights in the old days especially from an irish catholic backround so oppressive, deny her the right to be an artist in society or to be management which she excelled at or a world where you got married and that was the end of your private life not like today, its going to frustrate that person. artistic talent is something that if not expressed is a power so great is will create disorders of behavior as well as destroy the person perahps eventually.
Also my grandmother is extremely verbal and is one of those people where you wake up in the morning and she wont stop talking and yer this kind of person who doesnt want human conctact for at least 15 minutes after waking..my mother would call it 'mad chatter' at times- you have to understand Irish culture. Crazy habits are a part of life..not only are they whimsical or creative but it helps in managing the destruction of an ancient culture and how it is not forced to fit into the catholic church as well as for years other oppression i will not mention here as its supposedly reconciled now. ahem.
Anyway, i could always plainly see that this was a woman who wanted to just get 5 minutes to herself AND THAT HER SITUATION WAS SO TRAUMATIC AND OPPRESSIVE THAT SHE IS TRYING TO KEEP HER SPIRIT ALIVE. Who can be married to my grandfather and not be traumatized with what hes doing to her children? (no he never got me he tried to drive me somewhere once and my grandmothers reaction when we left as well as my telling how its not gonna be saved me. funny how i am persecuted for the same aggression that has defended me all my life.)
She was trying to keep her sanity was the tactic using self talk. Extremelyh dysfunctional families are like circuses; they are all fake all the time and you have to keep masks on and keep up the diversions..but who can keep that up all the time? my grandmother needed to be with herself and probably reality for a bit each day. listening to the content of her self talk it almost sounded like pep talks to keep her going. what an absolute waste of an active and talented mind. But these are the creativce coping skills that creative people come up with, also she was akin to an isolated prisoner and that is a population that i think everyone has seen indulge in self talk. humans do many amazing things using creativity to deal wiht trauma and stay alive..this is not mental illness. its survival, and anyone who fights to keep thier mind, thier creativity or thier spirit alive instead of giving in to circumstances is admirable not mental.
so my mother never dared to use that as an excuse to try to label me as she would then have to go after her source of security and after dealing with many people who are relying on parents to carry them- they will do anything to protect that source of security.
when the gang stalking system tried to use that i just ignored them as everyone who had ever known me had never made issue of my eccentricity. especially MY PSYCHIATRIST WHO HAD DISCUSSED IT WITH ME MANY TIMES BEFORE. that wasnt going to work.
the main problem is that over the years it went over the line often into being an addiction. i often would present this to therapists and it was never dealt with just like me wanting to go through memories was always avoided as well. take a guess why.
it was like the mental health community has little interest in assisting me in growing or accomplishing. they are some of the laziest people you will ever meet purhaps on purpose. and one hour a week when a person is 'under conscruction' or reconstruction is not enough. there is only so much they can do for you until you break some internal boundaries but when you do there should be the use of thier degrees they stick on thier walls for show not a brush off.
i never got help with this and so i just managed it as best i could as a coping tool. if you buy into the idea that i put forth of programming then you must understand that the person is trapped within...and also there are alot of things inside as well as outside in the organized harassment system that discourage survivors from getting control of thier own creativity. the person must always be controlled and this is yet another method of doing it. also as you have read the system is very vindictive towards survivors and there is alot of keep away of a good life or of being as mean as possible to them..us i should say.
i went through a terrible time with the moldy apartment, scott being involved and abusive and the pettitis continued harassment due to the lawsuit as well as outside occurences of harassment. i was trying to get the lawsiut done and find someone willing to demand that the apartment be inspected for mold and scott said the local inspector had been paid off so i went to the state enviromental services where a latino woman stuck her neck out and before her boss could stop her as he did try to, she called bitch Barbra Pettiti and told her in her professional opinion she should test the apartment. BP was so crushed it was like someone took her little balloon away at a party..hmm gee barbra imagine what its like when you get memory loss or you leave a moldy apartment with an unsteady gait from neuro damage..now there is a burst of a bubble right there pretty much for life not for a moment.
I was exhausted and went to check in for a rest. I needed to be safe as well as talk with someone. the pressure was too great. i was working full throttle and needed a rest. I CONTACTED DR EMMERICH TO TELL HER MY SITUATION AND THE STATE I WAS IN that scott had been really abusive and i was totally freaked out while trying to fight as well as put a lawsuit together and my lawyer was not helpful ( his way of managing client expectation was to tell me from the get go that "this is not your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" if i knew what i know now i woul have walked out that door and gone to someone who would have called HUD and forced the company to do its job. that lawyer was suggestd to me by Edna who is Scotts drag king lesbo buddy who is also into sick abusive relationships..more NA people to help fuck me over. this is a scalper who the other scalpers not from filthy rich families like hers, often wonder how she wins that lottery for tickets so often, gee i wonder how. How stupid are..well yeah scalpers the mob puts on the street arent to bright about anything outside of crime. go to fenway during a game and experience the borderline retardation of most of these guys.)
I checked into MGH and they played this little game with me. I told the person i met that I contacted Dr Emmerich and they claimed that they knew she was coming. This woman with a bruise on her face was checking me in. At one point i said something discouraging about life or something maybe healthcare and i was really stressed out WHICH I WAS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO WARN THEM ABOUT WHEN I ARRIVED AND HAD CALLED MY DR PRIOR. This woman turns to me and says something about healthcare and money being given free to me by the govt and was very nasty to me, like trying to pick a fight. I raised my voice perhaps or argued who knows i was stressed out to the max and this is supposed to be the place in the hospital where they deal with people in various conditions of chaos. the second this woman antogonizes me and i react two security in suits comes out puts gloves on and puts me in a quiet room. the was especially traumatizing due to what scott was doing to me in our relationship..shouldnt the staff had understanding of this? a young white Dr came in to see me and he kept doing what alot of people were doing which is to keep looking at me talking with my hands. Its a tactic that people will use when trying to antagonize you, they look at your hands while you talk with your hands as if to intimate that there is something wrong with you or you are scary. its also a great distraction from you trying to express yourself.
the best i could come up with at the time is that I was Italian in part and I talk with my hands...his reply (to cover for them dragging me off) was a WASPY racial slur intimation which was "well in your culture there is alot of noise and commotion and we arent used to that here"..??!!! at the fuckin psych ward intake area? Give it a break. Also that geniuse didnt know that I didnt grow up with or hardly know my Italian family so how can my actions be due to growing up under such influence?
The amount of people in acedemia and the medical community that have been cruel to me and part of the harassment is unfathomable to most of us as Americans..until YOU LOOK AT THE AMOUNT OF WORKPLACE MOBBING WITHIN THE WORLD OF ACEDEMIA AND THE PROFESSIONS. These jerks are just going after a Gang stalking Target this time not mobing one of their own out of the workplace. They probalby have lots of practice and have ended many a career. I have a few people one in Berkeley CA who are people with degrees some of them professors who end up homeless from going up against the system in thier fields. oh it happens.
And becuz i am uneducated and poor they think they can do whatever they please and that they are smarter than me. Shoulda thought that through huh?
When you send you kids to school in Boston you are not just paying for a quality education, you are paying for the lifelong priveledge for them to display an arrogance beyond belief to the rest of the general population if that is how they choose to misuse thier power and display all the qualities of our primitive ancestors agression-yet now it can be mindful aggression and not mindless. I know one thing, these assholes were not civil nor decent in thier actions.
Then Dr Emmerich finally arrives later than she claimed (long enough for that incident to occur) and when i told he what happened she said it was probably a misunderstanding about my insurance.
I went to patient advocacy the next day and though I put in multiple requests I was always ignored and no one ever contacted me. I couldnt pursue it i was too overloaded- this is one of the goals of the harassment system. to overload the person so each breech of professionalism is just written off eventually.
no one who is traumatized could keep up with the amount or harassment and incidents that goes on in a heavy campaign against a Target. I am sure if you have prior schooling or training perhaps and a stable base of operations but otherwise forget it.
She continued to be minimal help to me and after that incident I really didnt trust her too much as she had never in the years I had known her done something that seemed like betrayal. She used to say things to me that were inappropriate but I was used to that from everyone around me so I jsut figured it was my job to caretake the cartaker. She must be having a bad day and all that.
(a year of so later someone who was working for crooked cops or some other part of the system intimated to me that the video of that incident, of me being harassed and then dragged off was sold to an outside party for purposes unknown. nice huh?n and again this is someone dropping info in my lap without any prior discussion of the subject matter.)
Another thing was PTSD. I asked her a few times if she thought I had it and she always responded "you might have it" and who knows or who can tell. Later Lou Gheppetti was horrified and told me to tell someone that woman was NOT doing her job. It occured to me he was right..if she had years of education enough to retain her position then why would she not be able to diagnose me. later sometimes I wondered if she was perhaps protecting me by not putting that on paper as there seems to be much going on with PTSD and soldiers committing suicide.
She did in some ways try to protect me from whatever this system is "THEY" as people have refered to them. ( do we ever get to have a name?..sheesh)Still it only helps to gas light the person by telling them a faceless they is messing with them.
These usually turn out to be the people that turn on you. The informants who help you will jsut give you information straight up and not mess with your head so much.
So the whopping end to this story is that on all my records we now see for years its been anxiety, some seasonal depression and being a survivor of trauma. All the things prescribed to me were for only those diagnoses. Over the years a psychiatrist will find many ways to
1)SELL YOU BIG PHARMA
2) GET OUT OF DOING ACTUAL THERAPY WORK WITH A PATIENT
and eventually I went through very brief trials with alot 'medications'and found they did not help and therapy was more helpful but did stick to a sedative type drug for anxiety. My sponsor when she turned her back on me me made it out to be that i was in this predicament due to me taking this type of medication. Uh I think constant harassment and a life of trauma is causing alot of my inward behavior not pills for anxiety.
Emmerich had me try Ritalin once..at my age. I will never forget the laser beam like focus i had on organizing a paper clip drawer for 3 hours and then after the medication wore off waking up and wondering why i had wasted 3 hours messing with a paper clip drawer.
this society will do anything to stifle creatives, sensitives or just plain expression of human nature nowadays. Its disgusting. Even though my situation is specific I just wonder how many creative people from below the poverty line have gotten this treatment.
So there is no record of me having a disorder or diagnoses of schizophrenia or the pharma records indicating as such. If they now upon this posting tried to say alter that or had in the past in preparing for my counter claim then ALL I WOULD NEED IS A HAIR TEST TO PROVE I NEVER TOOK PSYCH MEDS FOR A DISORDER OR SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS.
Go for it you bastards.
Now that that is established I will tell you how our relationship ended in the final betrayal.
Only AFTER I left for AZ due to health issues related to micotoxicosis (mold exposure) and asked for a referal letter to another doctor did I get anything resembling what the system would like to claim about me.
DR Emerrichs letter read like a math equation. Basically it said I had PTSD and also mentioned the anxiety. The heart breaker was when I read that I had "paranoid ideations". That was the most sad moment I think. After years of work and her taking me through recovery it came down to this. And then she also stated that my issues were trauma based and I did not have a disorder and then something about this could be something in my personality being expressed.
I knew from years of research into both programming and conspiracy theory and all points in between that the lone shooter was usually under strange circumstances. I could see that PTSD + Paranoia= someone who is going to snap eventually. I dont know if she wrote it to give the perps what they wanted while writing it in such a way as to know I would figure it out as she knew me so well. One of the people I met in the forums for TIs heard the letter and sounded not only scared for me but tried to console me 'yes that letter is very mean' or something to that effect. It was like some people involved in this were astonished at how far the system went in persecuting me.
Mary Holliday kept trying to convince me not to counter the letter with a complaint by saying that I had already been made out to be like the Virginia tech guy so why bother to fight. Dead giveaway huh? I eventually just let it go as I had started to let every harassment go..I was officially overwhelmed to the point where I couldnt face it anymore.
That letter went into the filing system of memories that keep running themselves over and over again and in unison with my mother telling me "you can write a book but no one is going to believe you" has served over the years to keep me silent and from telling my story or defending myself. The attempt to try to label me as well as harass me into reacting and appearing crazy was so big that I just felt that going quiet for a time being was the best thing to do.
If you have a memory that is traumatizing it runs itself over and over again. And its a complete memory...each time I can still see my mother sitting in the same chair wearing faintly the same thing and saying the same sentence with the same arrogant look on her face and especially clear is the tone. Condesending as usual.
If you believe only the cover story you will then see how badly rich criminals wanted to get rid of me as i was a risk or 'inconvenient' as Lou G put it.
If you believe that programming exists then read more if you like:
But whatever level you are capable of taking in be assured that this really happened and it was part of destroying my life.
Years later other local doctors in the area would say that one needed to be around good medical people one could trust...and it was in reply to me referring to the idiots who were around me during this fiasco.
Oh I also need to add that in case you hadnt noticed all of what was done to me that day in the intake area of MGH was intimidation to keep quiet about what was done to me and what I knew about local criminals as well as probably give up the lawsuit against OLNICK.
Another incident was that MGH sent me to McLEANS for my little rest. While I was there a blonde woman the patients called 'the ice queen' probably refering to her bedside manner, asked me what was happening with me and I told her I had been told by a PI in NA (John Panderos) that there was a federal investigation and that everyone was being watched and harassed. Even after I told her something that sounded logical she asked me if I wanted to go on anti psychotics. Which was to silence and intimidate of course now I see, and then she tried to be sneaky and suggest anti anxiety, when i pressed he for details she said that it was AN ANTI PSYCHOTIC and it was also used for heavy anxiety. At this point in this dangerous game with how many people incuding my own mom was trying to either suggest I was crazy or gas light me into thinking I was there was NO WAY i was going to let it on my records that I took anything with the word 'psychotic' on it.
Dr Emmerich told me when I saw her later that she spent a substantial amount of time telling this woman that shed known me for years and that I was not pscychotic.
So now not only do I see how a logical explaination of events is not accepted (when there is a frame up being attempted of course) but also the same woman who sold me out in the end defended my sanity against her same later allegations.
This system does not care if they make sense or not, they jsut want results and getting rid of someone they will to anything until something works.