I need to get out of here. there is something very wrong with this city. i have been here a month and i havent been to an allergist. i could barely get an appointment with a gyn.
there is something here that helps the system hold targeted people hostage. and the homeless population here that is not mentally ill are wayy to docile and passive for my tastes..i mean in terms of going along with the system. the whole place is medicated basicallly the shelter i am in. at the day center they have these mandatory groups wherte they push the mental health syset,m. Cali is VERY dangerous for true democracy and I never understood why. Its becuz they demand you go along with a system you dont agree with but they do it nicely and by simply not allowing intellectualism.
Its mind blowing to me just how closed off they are and narrow minded. I didnt realize how myopic CA was...at least San Diego. Or what I am seeing is some sort of social control that isnt stupid but very on purpose where they totally disregard civil rights and human rights by having the system set up for you to fail or to be left out from the start.
ANd its so liberal and coddling but its so obviously set up to keep anyone with a brain silenced.
CA is one of the worst places to be homeless becuz everyone is so ignorant of the world outside of CA. In Berkeley the place is fun for the summer with lots of travelling kids coming through but the minute that the college kids come back its a total drag due to them being from suburbs of suburbs..( I cant even conceive of that) and they are ignorant and afraid of everything.
This is why America is so dangerous to the rest of the world. Its these kinds of places that are so scary. I would rather walk through the worst ghetto anywhere than to be in this nice place in CA another minute.
This place is destroying me. Everyday I jsut feel more and more isolated from society and I feel like the stigma here is that if you are homeless there is something wrong with you. This place is so horribly conformist..it must be why the gang stalking is so bad in MA becuz people there have the ability to be taken seriously if they are underdogs. THere is just NO CHANCE of that here. Its really f*cked up.
Its awful. Its a totally closed class system...a total lack of culture and brainpower. THe place feels dead basically and if any self respecting Bostonian stays here too long we will become brain dead too. I have NEVER been in a city where the locals were this unfriendly...but in this way where they actually believe they are better than someone like me. THey arent afraid of my intellect or my looks or that I know embarassing things about people. I think this state is a little too wealthy...I dont see a recession here at all. I see what I saw in Berkely when one dug beneath the hippie surface: snobs. Not the kind you would find back east, where they were effective in being snooty due to coming from rich old families or..I just cant describe it. Its like you are drowning in a see of fish who all look the same..and they dont regard you as one of the school of fish so you dont communicate on the same level.
THAT is the difference: in Boston or NY communication is opened up by cues. Social cues are given and received to open up lines of communication like codes- if you give the right code or cue, like showing you are smart or can communicate effectively, or relate, you have earned a line of communication.
Here no matter what you do or say there is this line drawn in the sand..total dead zone.
Its like living among zombies....if I were to start going with alien theories THIS would be the place to drive me to that. Its like living among people who just are not human.
First of all it sucks becuz its a DNA dead zone- its my sarcastic way of saying that everyone here is pretty average. Short, no tits, no asses, no extra ordinary faces, bad skin- aged skin (sun every day must be) except for the Mex girls of course who, when not heavy look really pretty. And there are cute black girls here too.) The white people here have got to be the plainest most pathetic gene pool I have ever seen. There are no stocky white men at all. Its no wonder when you do see a 'healthy' white girl she is with an ebony statue becuz there are zero exciting white guys here. If they are tall they are skinny. There is NOTHING impressive about the DNA here.
ANd that is what is driving me to be as insane as most of the homeless who have already lost thier minds here. THis place literally drives people insane. Its so NOT 'proactive'. And since I stand up for myself and dont kiss ass I am being focused on too find housing asap. It worries me..I just cant see my not getting harassed wherever I go. I simply dont feel safe here even though its one of the safest places I have been.
Its becuz its a total wing clipping type place: no traveler culture at all, no bohemia outside of some street people who are not intesting at all.
Lets just say that the movie or story "From homeless to Harvard" would NEVER have happened here. Only in Boston area could someone actially sleep on the T and go to Harvard U.
For all my bitching about Boston that place remains a refuge for smart people who actually want to do something with thier lives and have no money or no support. All you need is intelligence and drive..and being from there understanding the dynamics helps.
I am forgetting who I am here. And there is something really creepy with whatever remote influence or tech is used on the population or targeted persons. Is like a constant breaking down of the person..which is why I have been doing so much confessing lately as if I was being interrigated. Its horrible. And the ultimate end is to conform..its like that is all they care about. EIther get on meds if you are that messed up from whatever happened or get a job and a place. There is NO care for people's trauma issues at all or them personally.
And the constant sex thing is torture. I am starting to crush under the pressure. And you cant argue with the system here as something they do along the line robs you of energy and makes you start to be docile as hell.
If all they want to do is cut me off from myself and shove me out the door towards a place to live where its not going to work anyway then I might as well hit the road again. Besides staff treats everyone like children...its just not healthy for someone who isnt mentally ill but totally traumatized.
I cant seem to keep up myu sense of self or internal stregth of Will to get what I need done anyway.
That is becuz the system still insists that I not write my book that I get a job and keep quiet. THAT is always going to be their final destination for me and me avoiding that is my only job at this point, not trying to get housed which is dangerous for me as I always end up getting harassed or perped nad have to waste rent money and time and be re traumatized by losing another place. Its so easy for the system to pay off some jerks near you in the building to start making noise or for the city workers or private companies to all of a sudden start a noisy long project on YOUR street or building you just got into. And this would sound paranoid if it didnt happen so frequently to me I could predict it just as I am now.
Its like clockwork just like being targeted between 6am and 12 midnight (here 530 to 1130)..you could set yer watch to it. You could bet on it happening and win lots of money.
I should set up one of those betting boards in Vegas for my life as a TI: to bet for or against or take in odds of how soon until some construction project starts in the latest place I have moved into..or noise harssment consisting of beeping twice 40 times a day or a truck backing up over and over and over to make that beeping sound.
Getting housed is not an option for me unless its with someone who understands the deal and can help protect me..I know of no such person.
CC has tried to be helpful and I am still going to file that grievance as to be fair to them..its just that other inluences in the city beyond their control are too much for me to take. Also I notice that my chemical senitivity is getting bad here. Peoples perfume is even too much now.
I need to be outside again or travelling.