some humor for survivors/ a very bad day for me in san diego...hope finish soon so can checkout

I know this is gross but for thos of us who have to deal with researching this and dealing with other things connected to this daily, its so sarcastic its funny. I guess it could be offensive to some people or that it might be triggering. Its disgusting but its the first parody of SRA I have ever read.

And dont bitch becuz if you notice in my activism I never refer to RA as SRA becuz its done under so many different religious fronts and can be overt to very covert in nature.

SO be forewarned this piece may be funny to some of us and offensive to others.
A parents guide to SRA-
http://www.babysue.com/abuse.html

I couldnt help it. Everyday I have to fight and deal with my life ruined moreso and its not getting any brighter. That made me laugh.
Its doubtful that I will be around past my story being told and its not likely I will even be able to publish a book, perhaps I will just put it on the internet.
The sysetem is very adamant about getting rid of me, of destroying my looks and my health. I am not going to let them see me old, fat and struggling like they did to my mother. The system what ever this is only seeks to get me back into the adult entertainment industry or to drive me into permanent homelessness and insanity. I dont want either of those choices for myself, and with my right pinky finger now gone due to Mary Holiday's dogs fighting ( i also had tendens on my left arm cut and re stiched together, and I feel them weakening and at times these injuries hurt) all the physical injuries I have as well as the brain damafge from mold its not worth living. I have just enough energy and time to get my story told for other targets to read.
Most people are going to disregard my story an tyway.

What ever I could have been the harassment and torture has taken that from me. I know damn well that the system and the people in it want nothing more than to see me crumble under the pressure. What they want is a permanently damaged person who can be used as a toy. Either sexually or just to laugh at for the remainder of my life.
You have to understand these are sadists. Even though what I put above is supposed to be humorous, what I have been throgh is not. Most people just think I am amusing or think I am making it up or whatever. No one is ever going to pay for what they did to me and no one who wud care is going to believe me. No one can help me with this, as the perps were mostly strangers. There are so many of them there is no way to punish them, they all got away with what they did.

Most people who know about this happening to me think its really neat and great or just walk off saying "thats really sick" but they dont care or do anything about it. If the system cant be stopped and no one is going to be punished for torturing me then why should I stay on earth? That would give them way too much satisfaction. And the damn Christians are no better constantly pestering me and trying to sneak Christian content into comments on here and Youtube.
I will not get baptized as I was never baptized and will DIE THAT WAY. Religion is bs.

The Christians and anyone else pushing a belief system cannot be trusted becuz they only seek to control a person with religion. Its a way of controlling a programmed person who the system is torturing into suicide. Its also to confuse them so they start seeing all this as a religious issue opposed to a political one.

Its more attempts to dumb down the TI and I wont have it. Shelters and the food in them dumb you down enough.

I will never have what I could have years ago. The system only wants me to live as a testament of thier power over others. And since no one can give me back all the things they took then I dont want to live on earth. I will not live reduced from my original form or from my original potential.

The brain damage from mold as well as years of harassment is so bad that I cant remember anyones name around me or simple things. That is not a life looking forward to.

People damaged me beyond belief, society does not seem to care. Everyone just gently smiles at me and ignores me.
And I am constantly made to feel I am doing something wrong still or that I did something to really deserve this.

If people hate me that I refuse to live. I will not change, I will not convert or alter who I was supposed to be.

If my family doesnt care, if my associates dont care and Jake didnt care and everyone just ignores me and people keep trying to use me for stuff and abusing me I will just leave. Then no one gets anything from me, I WIN and my story is told so that peopole who do believe me can see how it works.
And everyone who doesnt know me but sees this aging homeless woman..well I wont be around becuz I should have been in nice clothes, with a rich guy or at least one I could build a life with and definatley doing what I want with my own life, like being a councillor and doing art projects on the side.

This system whatever it is just wants to destroy me..everyday. In the end they will simply say that I was schizophrienic anyway. THEY always win due to having sheer numbers.
It should not matter to me anyway becuz I was supposed to die of suicide programming anyway. What they seem to want is to make me want to live. Make me afraid to take my own life.

I have got to work very very hard on NOT wanting to live, NOT being satisfied with being held down, NOT being afraid to die. I have to work very hard at making sure that my last act seals my dignity in place- death. Its the only way to escape this system and everyone laughing at me and making fun of me when, I had little choice in the way everything went.

People keep pushing the idea that there is some porn movie involved. LIke I said before if someone made a movie of me with someone else or one of my ex's then I cant help that. I know damn well that its all about timing. Only during a federal investigation and only when I start deprogramming does some porn movie get released? Why not when I was younger and fully active in the sex industry?
Becuz I was still useful then to make money off of. AND my programming was firmly intact.

You have to understand something about these bastards. Mind controlled slave DO exist. High level programming DOES exist.
Thier basic attitude is that the victim/slave is a product or an asset to use and make profit. When the person no longer becomes profitable in one way they will alter the situation to make the slave/victim profitable in some other way.

Recall Susan Ford (brice Taylor) I think it was her, saying that she heard talk of them making a snuff film as a way to not only get rid of her but to make profit. It was one of the higher profile survivors I know that..it was either her or Obrien. My memory is getting very bad and I want to go over old files and tell what I remember before I cant recall anything at all.

This is what they system wants. It wants to reduce someone like me to a person who cant recall what they ate for breakfast yesterday. How many times have I heard people tell me that they cant believe I recall as much as I do as they cant even remember yesterday...or that if they were me they would be tired by now from travelling.

If I was not destroyed via harassment, mold exposure and stalking I would look very young still and be physically fit.
I get chest pains and this started years ago. It improves when I take advil or a blood thinner but now I cant take anything due to my allergic reaction to that Bactrim pill. I have had a run of UTI's this past year and sadly now cant be sexually active becuz everytime I do I get a UTI. The 5 laporascopies and 1 laporotomy I had for severe chronic endometriosis since 14 (my mother the human radiation experimenteee and I are the only two in the family with endo and mine started at 15 and was severe and chronic throughout my life.) has ruined my stomach muscles and I dont like how my muscles are giving out--this leads to the back muslces taking over and then one gets back problems and then nerves in the back of the hip/buttocks muscles.

Listen I have seen my future medically speaking. When I was at 335 Washington st these are some of the things I was working on. I was looking for a doc who could tell me how to exceresice without my stitch in my belly button busting as it did when I tried to excersise. Dont you think if I could work out I would? My ego loves to be fed and if I could be buff powerful and strong I wold be.

ANd when the system came after me it jsut made all my health issues worse.

You have to understnad that most mc slaves live a life of slavery, pain and suffering. This is all in secret. They are trained to keep a straight face and a good front. Its our job to do so. And its our job to get the mission completeed (book) and then die. If the circumstances are too painful, death will remove us from the grip of the enemies torture.

You have to realize that the people who KNOW I am truly a mind controled slave are the ones that send out the ones who spread lies and make life difficult for people like us. It ensures that the public is always against us. I have seen the decievers, I have seen them deciving people to do thier bidding or beleive thier lies.

They are very good at what they do and only THEY know the whole story. I know and THEY know. Only the slave and her 'shadow' handlers know what the full scope really is. You have no idea how much the victim is usually suffering or that they hacve been tortured all ther lives. And you also have no idea how evil the people are behind this.

Do you realize who is involved in this? Do you even know who Eddie Cox is? He also goes by the name Eddie Hand. Wud you be smart enough or well researched enough to know that he is talking you to sleep after decieving you into sitting next to him on a Greyhound bus, and then you wake up to his cell phone in your ear with ocean sounds. You wake up and he goes "oops". The bastard was trying to access me in my sleep but the mold exposure did so much brain damage that I dont function the same as I did before. Also I was knowledgable enough to know what he was trying to do. This is after he asked me if I wanted to "get a hotel room and have sex" with him. Yeah right, like I would have been alive after that.

Do you have any idea how many idiots have tried to get me to go off with them in cars and I know damn well what they were planning to. I would have never been seen again.
What about those kids in the van while I was in Nashville TN..the ones that the cops seemed to hate and tried to warn me.
They thought nothing of mentioning casually how there are many satanic cults in upper CA (I forget exactly where) and describing to me how victims are drugged before their hearts are ripped out. Yes it could have been terrorizing but they also had some vampire books in the van and I actually found some of that useful for my activism. (vampire codex) as it dealt with energy stealing and things that TI's actually feel they go through at times. But these kids were like INTO it. The only reason that none of this phases me is that really I considered them ametuers and a rag tag group of them at that. Its part of my programming and I wont get into it but not much scares me and even when I am scared it gets surpressed.
I know damn well that whoever my handlers are they will kill these little f*ckers before they will let me die until THEY are ready for me to die..or I outsnake them and take hte opportunity to take my own life.

All I can recall, like in my other posts on my ONMC blog is that there seems to be dual boot programming which is to say that there was a large program with the content being knights, castles, and lots of Templar content and the true spirit attached to that was more Rosicrucian than Mason. There was a smaller program attached to that that seems to be Satanic and the two do not have contact with each other. I now can see them as an overseeer but the two programs operated seperately.

The satanic part is very...new. Like its not ancient and it feels ametuerish. There is a bizarre memory of being married to some person in what looks like a Dracula cape and collar and he is supposed to represent the diety himself I assume.

Instead of allowing me to recall naturally when I deprogrammed due to the brain damage from the mold exposure, or to go through this processs and get hypnoitized, the system came after me, used the federal investigation as a cover and destroyed my life, my health and my future.They kept me on the run so I could not seek medical attention or therapy.
I know this is the case as recall when I was trying to put it all together at 335 Washington st, before I left for AZ, I wanted to get hypnotized. Recall what the psychologist at St Elizabeths hospital had to say: "you should not get hypnotized..that would bring up much memory for you" in her heavy Russian accent. The next week she was mean to me by telling me that I was"beautiful and lazy..that is my diagnosis of you". St E's was really vicious to me by the way, and they recently got rid of thier statue of mother Mary and now have a brand new front to their building. Much of Brighton got a great face lift after they helped destroy my life. THIS IS YOUR NWO. The supposed great plan for peace on earth.

So obviously the idea is to terrorize me and not let me recall memories.
This cult or whoever it is is huge. And there is little chance of beating them. Most people if they are not in the cult probalby view a person like me as people would view black slaves in the old days as example. We are not human, we are not equal to other citizens..we are someone's property. There is no way to get humans to not be into slavery. Its the way humans are and it will never be solved. To ignore the reality is probably the worst crime of all, and we now live in an era of deception and fantasies of perfection: if it cant be solved or fixed we will just exlude it from our reality.

This is the deception of the NWO. A feel good cult (what cult isnt?) that seems to be producing the perfect world. yeah by ignoring all the wrongs in it.

So no one is going to help me and there seems to be perhaps a religious faction that will if only I would become religious.

That is not the purpose of my existence. Free Will and truth is my purpose. To take on religion to survive is a lie and am not programmed to exist this way.

I also possess dual boot programming obviously so I dont care who runs the world- the satanists that are indeed taking over or the religious zealots who are trying to as well.

With my programming it doesnt matter to me....what does is that its done through deception and being illogical and a whole lot of cult mind control.

Show me ONE Christian group that is solid and genuine. That does not have some deception somewhere. And I see alot of Masons in the Christian industry so forget that alltogether becuz no one is more disgusted than me by the historical actions of that faction. Deception is all they do and they really believe they are doing some sort of service compared to overlty satanic factions.

Who wud you rather deal with, people who lie and decieve and pose as Christians or people who are overtly violent, 'evil' and destructive. At this point I am all for the overt satanists. At least they are honest. I have seen so much crap in DayStar christian TV as well as some perp action. There doesnt seem to be anyone who isnt working for the system that messes with mindcontrol victims and engages in the same system that enforces social control.

The faction I am most comfortable with, Templar content more on the Rosicrucian side seems to not exist anymore. Only in certain places like very choice parts of MA and NY (NY is more illuminati not Rosi) and other small parts of the US does this even still exist. It feels like I am part of a people who are now extinct...the last of my kind sort of thing and the world is very different and inhospitable to someone like me.

The American satanists I have seen, like the Jewish NY ones, make me want to vomit and THEN I start to get the urge to stamp the snake under my feet like in the statue of Mary standing on the globe crushing the snake. THEN I want to slay the dragon. That kind of 'satanist' makes me angry and want to kill them and its insinctual. I hate them...I really reallly hate them. I hate them for their skinniness, thier green eyes, their sniveling cowardice and how easy thier deceptions are to figure out...and whatever is in thier eyes..I cant put my finger on it but I have seen this kind of satanist many times. And they make me feel as if I am growing very large in size and I should just grab tehm by the throat and destroy. Thier cowardice and thier small size...I truly hate them. I am totally discriminatory against them. There is a director in NY who is a satanist and he looks JUST like one of those types. The guy who did the Norwegian black metal movie that photographer looks like one of them. I saw one once when I returned to MY personal ground zero, which is 335 Washington st Brighton for the first time after leaving in 2006. The little snake was in a crowd in front of the Irish pub behind my old apartment...he stood out from the crowd and I tell you: the rest of the crowd seemed to be at normal speed and he seemed to slow down and be in slow motion- I could 'see' him. Its like we both slowed down and spotted one another. And he had his hand rubbing against his mouth, like wondering how the hell I made it and am still walking around. And he had his head down looking up at me. He was slow mo and so was I.
(Fuk you by the way. If I had the chance you'd be as dead as any snake..you little sniveling fucker) I am sorry but I HATE this kind of creature on our planet and I cant tell you what they are.
However, there are other satanists that DO NOT piss me off into such a primitive 'kill' mode. And I dont understand why. I readily listen to norsk metal, I watch their videos..htey dont piss me off. They help me to fight. They feed me some sort of nourishing energy. There are things about them that...I cant say I am totally in line with, but they seem like just a different creature but not one that I have to worry about- or engage in battle. I can damn well sense what is under some of those dark glasses and what is inside those eyes that seem to dance like light on water..dark water. But it just doesnt activate a reaction in me. They just arent a threat. They seem...to have thier own domain.
Perhaps it is some sort of Nordic or Germanic paganism that I am relating to...I just cant put my finger on it. Or maybe I just respect pure evil and not jerk offs who waste my time with babish nonsense.

I have watched alot of this bs that was put out. People like the sniveling photo kid from the Jew camp in =NY Manhattan, he sits there and all he can praise is these bands using deception blah blah blah...as if that is all he capable of doing himself. Like that is the greatest thing in the world...fucking boring deceptions.

I just cant respect that. Then you watch these bands live and get blown away by the energy. I dont like sniveling sneaky little men who try to destroy women like me..I have always wanted to destroy this kind of person.

I have also seen a few with this look throughout Bush..some in St Louis...a security guard I believe. He just gave me the stupid grin like he not only knew me but what was being done to me and ha ha you will never beat us we are so under the radar and hidden. Wanted to kill him to. But his body type was bigger...still those green eyes. That look. Hate 'em.

There is something less offensive and annoying about other types of satanists.

When I was 18 or so maybe 17 I saw this baby on a bus. The baby looked way too intelligent..to conshus for an infant. It had those stupid green eyes, that look. It looked like it hated all of humanity. It was hateful way too much so to be normal. I had this instinctive urge to do more than hate this child that is for sure. This only happened once I recall but it was obvious to me that this baby was not only highly intelligent for it age but it hated humans.

I have also seen a man on tv talking about Nazi Germany. His father was a Nazi or something similar I recall.
He started talking on camera and there was this dark backround. His eyes were like he wasnt even human..they were blue but lacking in life or soul. just..eyes. And I noticed that when I looked at him too long he made me nauseaus. He actually made me sick due to something about those eyes.

So you tell ME what the hell is going on. I have been harassed all my life, I see things that other people ignore. I recall that I posted about those two perps in NY the black sisters. The young stupid one says to the older one "Can she really see?" and the sister is spooked as she nods yes.

These satanists or cult members whatever they are, think no one can see them. I dont know why I can but I never had a problem with it until the system came after me.
Gee f*ckers maybe you should have left me alone to become a therapist for ho's in trasition and do some goofy art projects. but NOW there is some programming that has been activated thanks to the stupidity of these really STUPID and pathetic strain of satanists. Or whatever they are. You should have left well enough alone.

And who do they think they are, standing there near my former home, dumbfaced, wondering how is it I am not destroyed. They should consider themselves very fortunate that there were sheer numbers coming after me day after day as to keep me down.
Cuz I would have stalked, hunted and destroyed. Oh but not my precious satanists from the north, the Germanic nor the Celtic. None of the bands or satanists I see of English or northern extraction piss me off so much. Some of them may put me off a bit as to their natures being different, but they just dont bring out this 'slay the dragon' bit. I would love to however get my hands around the neck of one of the sniveling green eyed types..to take the life out of one of those with my bare hands would give me great release. They are very smart to stay in cars and harass me that way..to stay faceless and hidden.

I think what I hate about them is that they are ultimately weak and stupid. They are the devils bumblers. They are the reason that my Eastern European ancestors only concept of 'the devil' is a bumbling fool NOT to be feared as much as other dieties.

Just becuz you are a 'satanist' doesnt make you a bad ass or the ultimate mind gamer. Do you realize how easy most of these deceptions were to figure out? It was like following tracks in the dirt of an animal...plain as day. But there are some factions that still have me wondering, still have me confused..and fooled. Dont like em..but I respect em. They arent idiots. If you are going to destroy me then you better make sure its brutal and final and I dont go around figuring anything out.

Before I go I am going to tell all of my story, not only my life (if you are interested) but how I came to be so close to destruction. And why suicide is pretty much the only way out of this situation.

The thing I dont think that the sniveling green eyed amatuers understand is that programmed people are programmed to fight and die...not to be afraid or enslaved. And also if you are married to satan as a baby most likely involving satanic military....you pretty much are screwed for life and dont have a future or if you do yer owned by pretty much the worst on the planet who is going to kill whoever gets in the way of whatever they want you alive for. I cant be destroyed until I am done with whatever it is...on either sides of my programming.

I know one thing that has really f*cked me up in the head for a while. Different parts of this system seem obsessed with me either getting pregnant or NOT having any children. When I posted I had aborted stupid Scott's baby I felt like someone out there was devestated or...it interfered with someones plans, me having been impregnated and having aborted. Well, if giving birth to something evil was the plan, Scott was certianly the right sperm doner. That kid would have been a terror....and he or she would have been targeted. There is no way with my mother being a radiation experimentee and me having damage from mold exposure and being targeted so obviously was I going to have a baby..why so the kid can be defective or sick? If not they would probably just enslave the kid too. No way screw that. And I cant go to term anyway due to the scars from my endometriosis. I can get pregnant but I can never give birth to a child. The medical community saw to that years ago.

There is alot that I dont divulge, alot that I dont tell. It will be in the book and the book will be my final way out of here, my final way to get rid of the people in the gang stalking system and all who betrayed me. I do it for myself so I dont die with this on my head or conscience. I can die without all the crap that people have put on me.

You realize that I am playing thier scape goat dont you? That there is a sick part of this and many sick people who believe in torturing someone like me so that I am scapegoated and when I die everything that is evil or negative dies with me. You realize that you have some sick people on this planet who are so weak, so lazy and so selfish that they want another human being to die for them so that they dont have to atone for what they have done, so that when I die thsi peaceful energy will fill 'the grid' and the only way to get it that way is to torture me to death.

Lets say that its been done before in a couple of different belief systems. Its right there in the Manchurian Candidate..that he should die so that it heals the whole world.

These people are into human sacrifice big time, and I dont mean the overt kind that is really evil and brings them power..I mean something MORE scary and insane and delusional than that.
I mean the kind of people who feel a joy and a peace from someone like me being tortured to death.
Take for instance Romney's little spawn, Laura. She turned to me and said of the harassmnent "and you always WILL have to deal with the harassment...but you could work with the system a little more". It was so scary, so frightening...becuz she seemed to take it so easily. It was all about HER and HER class of people. It was all about HER and HER boyfriend and how THEY made sweet love..so much more of value than the rest of us even deserving to live. This is alot more disturbing than people who are overtly evil. Who want to destroy with anger not a smile.

My mother is also someone who takes all this as if its nothing...it doesnt matter. Ho Hum whatever. You are supposed to serve me, to die for me. To suffer for me. The people who smile at you gently that dont mean it....they are just handling you, the ones who ignore you..THEY are the most scariest people I have ever encountered.
They think NOTHING of me dying for them or due to being targeted. They seem unconcerned over the pain, torture and destrucition involved. Everyone from my mother to Lou Ghepetti..there attitudes are....not blase but..like this is the way life is supposed to be and its more based on some delusion of privelege and a power trip that they are indulging in than them being evil or violent enough to actually sacrifice a human being themselves.

I say that THEY are the scariest and the worst of the lot. I say THEY need to be punished the hardest and denied thier scapegoat forever. Becuz they dont c0me at me with aggression or hate or violence..they came at me with arrogance and this expectation that they would win. That I was so weak that its the natural order of things for me to be under them for me to lose.

I do believe that someone has to wake them out of their complacency. The whole world will be able to read my account of what happened to me and who was involved. THEN I will check out so that they dont get to have the satisfaction of a power trip over another human being ever again.

ANd if no one believes me none of it matters as I will be gone and they will have to find someone else to make them feel superior.

Many of these people are wealthy and connected and that buys them the upper hand and people like my mother are useful to them so they give her a power trip from helping to destroy her kid who she is jealous of anyway.

This is probably why the most overt and brutal modern satanists dont piss me off or offend me. They dont seem to be on some fluffy cloud in a delusional power trip. They actually seem to be in emotional agony and suffering alot of the time if you watch them closely and they are somehow imprisoned some of them within themselves. They also have alot more balls and work alot harder at thier goals than the American deceptive lazy assh*les who hide behind the American scene.

Perhaps its due to them being thousands of miles away on a totally different continent.

I have also seen Satanists here that dont annoy me as they mind thier own business. I had a friend once who was a self proclaimed satanist..liked him but hated his young friends. They were the ones that I described as "metaphysical jerk offs" in one of my posts. Once again he was infinitely creative and entertaining and yes, he was up to no good, but it was easy to see what he was up to. Everyone thinks the old bastard got over on me by getting me into herion. Its a joke...I saw my uncle on H for years. My mother used to keep works under the bed with Hustler magazines IT WAS THE 70'S GIVE IT UP I saw it already. Geez. Besides, due to my endometriosis I was in constant pain in my twenties and the medical people just played head games with me. NO ONE IN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY IN THE HOSPITALS INBOSTON HELPED ME and this shows me that I am targeted or that there was something else going on. The only thing they did was ask me if Iwas molested as achild not treat my endo or my pain. They played games with me and were mean to me and this is very common in Boston hospitals for me to be treated like shit. Like in ways you could sue for.
I reported their actions to administration and he said he couldnt do anything....then they moved him to another hospital. I WAS WALKING AROUND BOSTON BEND OVER I was in such pain. I didnt know what to do becuz I was always treated so badly, so when people arrived with H not only was I curious due to seeing my uncle do it,I also thought it was a hell of a lot less expensive than pills..I had bought painkillers for 1 dollor each in bulk (1991) and mysteriously when word got to the girl about who I was or who she was selling to all of a sudden the price went up to 5 bucks each.
This was the story of mylife. Someone out there really hated me and had influence over everyone in that damn city. I must have been targeted even then. This was common, for me to be treated like garbage and never given a fair deal. And through the years I got refused for stuff I would apply for...and perps would rub it in what Mass Rehab was paying for for them.

Dont tell me there is not a such thing as gang stalking or something going on becuz I have been treated like this all my life. I only found it was gang stalking recently. So then that means that either I and my family are hated by someone or that we are targeted due to her being a human experimentee or some other faction feeling that they have control over us. There were always people treating me like shit, stalking me, harassing me and such. I only became conshus of it recently. And I am talking bout mostly perverts doing the stalking.

Its either an intelligence agency who thinks it has the right to control us or some other faction who feels the need to do so. I have always been treated this way and when people find out they cannot believe its allowed to happen. It has something to do with programming or with keeping the members of my family under control. There is NO WAY out of it and to tell what you have seen, heard and experienced is the only thing that is going to get you revenge. THen suicide so that they can no longer harass and control.

Taking my life due to my own Will is the only escape possible. My health as you can tell is not good and the harassment out of Brighton and since then has only made it worse to the point where its irreversible.

If they want me die I have no problem with that due to me knowing I should have been dead already from suicide programming. As far as I am concerned I am a damaged unit no longer fit for service...the pain and suffering involvded due to the damatge from mold exposure as well as dental problems, endometriosis and now this recurrant UTI issue...I am too targeted to go to doctors anyway.

WIth my dying last year or so I want to tell on them all, for people that do understand to knwo that these abusive cults DO exist and that they ARE connected to escort services and human experimentation- intelligence agencies and the cops and the military and yes...it is aout kiddie rings as well.
Then I can get out of this now very uncomfortable body.

Mind controlled slaves are also trained to deal with alot of physical pain. I can look totally normal and be suffering some specific pain. Its mind over matter, but this takes a toll on the human body and psyche. My only choice, since the system took away my only chance to get OUT of my programming by chasing me out of my home and away from therapists and recovering my memories is to go back into soldier mode which I have beeen doing, deliver the 'information' (book) and self destruct due to a failing system. ALso with all the torture load I have handled I realize that I am controlling the damage and damage does exist in my system.

I know that the only safety for innocent bystanders is for me to dispose of myself. We are also trained to not harm anyone who is not a threat to the sysetm or the mission. Like a trained k9. But with all the torture and the physical pain I am compartmentalizing daily I dont trust the system to stay 'safe' and will not allow further breaking down of my mind or my faculties to become a danger to society.

Yes this could have been avoided but the people who KNOW what this is all about KNOW that if I am tortured or pushed and brain damaged enough I will lose control or they are hoping 'snap'. THis is a very common way to get rid of programmed people as a lifetime of sufferieng is now not ended but added to. NO normal human being can take that kind of abuse....and I know that most people dont know what they are doing. They think they are killing a whore or a peice of trash or a criminal or whatever...and then there are those that think that killing me off is in the best interest of everyone. That programmed people are to serve and die.

I cant take the pain forever. The cavitations, the headaches from the mold exposure damage and since I have been kept from doctors my liver is only going to get worse. And I dont want to live if I cant have sex.

THey ripped me away from a sex life so quickly that it was a shock and I just dont want to deal with that now. A sex life so damaged is not worth living for. I was so strong before so powerful, so attractive. NO, this is a life that has to end after the info is delivered. And unlike Laura's selfish suggestion, I cant work with the system a little more and I cant deal with "always having to deal iwth the harassment" or like my grandmother said to me "there is no guarentee they will stop following you". Society has rewarded these people for what they have done and tried to destroy me.

After the info is delivered to those who care to take it, I will no longer have to churn out so much energy for multiple functions like a fake civilized front alter for socializing, holding up compartments for pain managment, fear, worry, trauam etc. Putting forth the Will to get work accomplished while doing all the rest of what I just mentioned...along with dealing with a society of people who feel I am just either mentally ill and want to harass me into gettting help ( which no one does overtly but its intimated just by me being exxcluded from society) or believing me to be a whore or some irresponsible bum. That is only serving as obsticle in the wayh of me getting my book done.
And the true reason for the torture is just MK ULTra. Its so that I will write a book which is the sucess of MK Ultra. Its a programmed person giving up all their info- confessing really, so they can prove that MKUltra works on progammed people..either that or someone wants what info is in my head bad enough to kill me for it by gaining that info through torture.

Dont you see that Gitmo was most likely another testing ground for MK? Are you blind? Dont yhou know that suicide bombers are programmed? Duh how else could you get someone to do such a thing? And for some reason they are obsessed with behavior modification...like its better to destroy the person but not thier body and create a false self.

Everyone must suffer for what they have done to me and most assholes will satisfy themselves by saying I am lying and making it up or I am just crazy.
When I am finished you will see that I was a sane lamb compared to the monsters around me. The excuses are going to get flimsier and flimsier as people hear how sick and cruel this was...society will ignore me til the end to avoid responsibility.

But I know that there are people who are also targeted who want to know about how programming works, MK Ultra designed to break programmed people, and the escoet business and thier connections to organized crime and crooked cops.
And I hope this helps both cops and criminals, terrorsits and the military..I hope it helps them to utterly destroy each other and annihilate all the assholes who partake in this bullshit.

And I hope it saves the lambs, and the ones that are honest about how evil they are who have nothing to hide. The ones who have much to hide, who play like they are on different sides but work together: I want thier smiling faces all dead. Dead and cold.

And hopefully they will do it to each other. Anything you can put on the internet to blow everyones cover do it. Enough with covert wars.

I have had enough. ANd I want revenge. Hopefully spilling the beans will be enough to screw up the system just a bit. And then I am outta here.