I love the middle of the night. 3 or 4 in the morning has to be the greatest event ever. Its when all the damage from the day and whatever keeps me oppressed, repressed, that ends at 12 midnight, seems to fully sloth off of me.
To say this is some sort of chemical imbalance is not even worth listening to..it never was. There is no way that mental illness can end at a precise hour and begin again according to such a pattern. When the psychiatrists, the dealers for big pharma convince the nation that mental illness is on a tight strict schedule- then you'll know we are f*cked in this country. But you'll probably be to subdued to move a muscle in the direction of leaving or even rebellion for that matter.
Every year that goes by that I or any other TI doesnt write thier story or do something about this is another year that the brainwashing takes hold just a little deeper. Its interesting how much more the tech seems to be in use now to keep TI's, at least myself anyway, totally subdued, submissive, docile and brain fogged. Mentally tied up at all times. Its worse than it ever was during Bush. And I have to admit that when Obama got in, right around the election within days of it, I came out of that era feeling like I had been literally beaten within an inch of my life. I felt very close to death and believe me, for a ritual abuse survivor and someone who survived suicide programming to say they felt beaten almost to death it HAD to be B-R-U-T-A-L. Literally.
But somehow I also felt I was in action, daily, fighting this system. As if there was more over action and fight involved. It was much more stressful yet much more engaging than what is going on now. I f*cking HATE what is being done to me now.
Firstly, I am almost totally a vegatable every day from 6 am to 12 midnight. Its horrible. And mentally I am being engaged so frequently daily, minute by minute, hour by hour that its obviously not only a prison but a heavy and constant behavior modification program. One that is almost impossible to escape.
Fighting doesnt work with this system now. Whatever makes it different from the previous era makes it harder to fight. My health is also a factor. That anyphylaxis and these induced allergies did something to my system. It feels like my energy is...repressed. Strangely when I have an allergic reaction to something, I begin to feel normal again- alive.
Secondly, whatever is being used now is very heavy handed on making me submissive in a very female way. Its disgusting really. Lots of obsession over the loss of the ex's (still). More daily doses of Jake memories and of course some bullshit about him actually pining for me in L.A. somewhere. Its especially cruel as I know damn well he probably disavows ever even knowing me at this point.
The keep down using feminization is very..emasculating. Its very much the role of the depressed older woman who is now society's throw away. And its so unrealistic considering everyone thinks I am like 30 max and its so not me due to my being the sort of person who would just move on from all this and take up a cause or please myself somehow with work and a new life.
Its definately tech induced. Often with this kind of effect one can also suspect chemical warfare but the fact it just STOPS like that at 12 midnight indicates a technology is being used.
Its hopeless really. There is no place I have traveled to where remote influence technology was not used. In fact certain large areas that dont seem to have cell reception like parts of the desert in the south west as well as a large portion of Wyoming actually have some sort of effect that is more dangerous. There is something in those mountains in the southwest and there is something very weird, even dangerous up in Wyoming. I am sure if you were to somehow find Native Americans who remember the ancient stories of the lay of the land they will probably tell you that there are just places were Natives didnt go. Places with very..anti-human 'vibes' to them. Places that just dont seem friendly to human life. There is something else already there taking up that space.
Then again theories of underground bases and such things are always feasible.
(I have come inside becuz I was not getting better sleeping outside. Dnt think I can stay here though. Something gets into the air every night at like 3:45 or 4 am and gives me an allergic reaction. Only the sensation of my throat closing up or that process starting, not the pain/heaviness in the heart or trouble breathing at all. But its not livable if its going to be every night. I cant jump up every morning at 4 and take a bunch of Benadryl.)
Lately its been impossible to just get the smallest errand done much less anything more complicated. I cant seem to get bigger things done like wanting to see if I can sue for that Bactrim incident. I just forget about a whole list of things..until it all wears off around 2 or 3.
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