Suicidal Tonight but The Book Comes First

I promised everyone that the book will be done before I go anywhere.

Partially this is very hard due to the fact that I know that what was done to me IS MK Ultra methods to get programmed people to confess information so its very hard for me to give this system what it wants as a result. Also I am very suspect that the feds will use any info related to that federal investigation of my old associates. It seems that definitely what has happened to me is parallel with torture at Gitmo type scenario but done covertly using public spaces etc.

You know what 'gang stalking' is by now. Psychological warfare campaign all that. The only reason that they would do what they do to people in Gitmo the way they do is becuz they suspect they are programmed. How do you think suicide bombers are made? Thier programmed. In fact my three layers of suicide programming, one of the layers was very similar to the description of they way hashish used to be made. Assassins. Interestingly I recall this description being connected to Muslims to begin with. That they would go to a paradise like place with Allah and have virgins for eternity all that. And of course 'hashashin' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assassins comes from the use of drugs to accomplish this. What they are leaving out is the trauma based mind control tactics- brainwashing if you will. As well as hypnosis.

But why is it so important that I tell anyone anything? Its almost as if its more important in relation to behavior modification than anything else.

This is why its so hard for me to just tell my story.
First of all no one seems to care. Its not going to change anything becuz the general consensus is
1) I deserved this or
2) I am mentally ill
both leave me at a disadvantage no matter what I say or do. I seem to have absolutely no recourse whatsoever. None.
One of the women in that totally negative shelter St Patrick's before I told it like it is last night and left like a sensible person would, one of the women was gossiping, this horrid woman named Carmen. She is more preppy and annoying for a black chick than any white girl I have ever run into in my life. She's just sooo AWFUL. You know the type...one of those people who pretends to have status by being somewhat of a snob but her behavior is still no class. Anyway, I overheard her saying "Nobody cares about her". It doesnt matter that it might not have been about me but what she said before that made it sound as if it might have been. The fact is that many Targeted Individuals are not cared about by anyone. It sort of makes speaking out kind of pointless. People may stop harassing you as you look like your not doing well, but no one is ever going to give you any kind of restitution nor are they going to admit readily to what was done.

My mother was right when she said "You can write a book, but nobody is going to believe you" and "No one cares Rachel". Its not that no one cares becuz not EVERYONE understands what exactly is going on, its that TI's are held prisoner by a group of people who DO know what is going on and may feel guilty but not give a shit in the long run becuz they know you are now totally f*cked due to the breaking of many laws and all human/civil rights as a US citizen. There is no way that anyone who knows what is going on is going to care or act on it if they do.

This is why TI's are encouraged to forget about what occurred and move on.

There is no curing what the gang stalking system has done. There is no way that the ignorant public is going to know what the true circumstances are so there is no point in living then. Becuz the Target will never get back what was theirs. Society seems to go along with this. Asking a Target to keep on living with this burden is a typically selfish act of human beings populating human society. I will not suffer as such for a lifetime which is what they are asking.

Even if I told my whole story and people saw the level of not only abuse but total law breaking that is outrageous by therapists, psychiatrists, professionals, medical staff, fire men, policemen, military people (yep, been perped by them in thier fatigues in cars. St Louis has absolutely NO shame and they do NOT care how overt they are. In thier estimation, yer landlocked in the midwest- no one cares, no one sees and no one is watching- except them.), city workers (outside), city employees (city hall etc), social workers, Starbucks was especially popular for perps nationwide as well- really overt ones.. and various civilians.

Even if a large portion of the country or even the world finally understood how insane and inhumane this is, it would not change the damage done to TI's after a certain stage of damage has occured. It becomes unable to be healed after a certain amount of damage. Remember this is also brain damage as well being done. Your body...in the end your spirit or you psyche if you will is so damaged physically and otherwise or conditioned to be in agony that there is no turning back the effects of that. Its to late. Its like causing a wound that is fatal in the end. That is what this system does to people's minds and thier psyches.

In the end your left alone, torn from all who you knew and all that you knew and as the distance of years rips that tear larger as time goes by, the damage is permanent. Every year you have to live resenting yet still caring about the people who sold you out or just walked away from you (usually all at once as this is a tactic to 'abduct' the Target and isolate them. Rebecca in St Louis even commented a bit smugly about how it must have been hard to have so many people come at me from all directions all at once. Interestingly I did not tell her any of my story. One of those people who claims "I already know your story. I know it". When you hear this from this sort of perp, the ones who care about the TI and give some assistance, you just know in your heart that they do NOT know all of it....and if they do, they certainly do not have an understanding of what is transpiring. They usually have the same -isms as perps but their control issues revolve around rescuing people etc. Most likely they are programmed themselves or have heavy issues they prefer not to deal with, which is why they are involved in knowing anything about gang stalking to begin with. I believe she or the other girl who we knew was the one who told me "You're going to have to start all over again". I was starting all over again. Happily discovering myself for once in my apartment in Brighton. Getting geared up to take my life experience and help others etc. That was pretty much it with 'starting all over again'. In the life of a mind controlled slave you really only have that one window of opportunity, when you come out of programming in the deprogramming phase. If you fight suicide programming- you get that chance. Very fair and tit for tat as these related issues usually are. Very logical of a trade off. But then the chaos factions have to come and destroy this of course, as well as whatever faction seems to want that pure untouched soul you have been carrying around with you in that inner core compartment all your life,saving it up like gold bars in a vault for retirement. After the system steals this from you and takes the last of your life energy and pretty much destroys all of your hopes and dreams now that you've woken up out of being programmed, they make sure they thoroughly abuse the shit out of you so that you are a shell of a person and becuz you were really as innocent as a child would have been really, and your psyche was in a stage of regeneration or like a chrysalis stage in a cocoon, yer kind of helpless to fend off attacks at that stage as well as you are doing delicate reprogramming and re-compartmentalizing. You do not have any of the protections you had before so this particular kind of attack is impossible to fight off when it happens. And believe me, these spiritual predators have been at this for thousands of years. They KNOW how this works. This is why therapists and psychiatrists f*cking you over and making you more vulnerable to predators when you are so vulnerable when if anything, you should depend on them during this time. They are akin to wizards behind the throne when the king goes to battle. The king cant see everything at once and often he is busy with other things. He needs a guard captain and he needs a counsel from behind the throne.)

One has to look at just how far out one gets ripped from earth and one's life. With years of receiving intrusive dreams I know that having my whole consciousness stuffed into virtual reality goggles was not a dream of my minds own making. This was during Bush when the tortures had no bounds it seemed. Experiencing that sensation was the worst experience of my lifetime and I have had many unpleasant ones. For some reason the 'evil' factor was way heightened during Bush. I mean, I recall as a kid in Rosalindale, aware I was awake in bed yet feeling I was frozen due to some sort of drugging I believe, and I had to actually 'thaw' slowly my body from being paralyzed. All I can recall from that experience may be a vision that accompanied that of a man in a suit with glasses as being connected to that sensation and as walking away from me in that condition. Whether that was real or not I dont know. I had many such experiences of feeling drugged as a kid. I know I was on phenobarbital for a few years due to high fevers that would make me convulse and thats what it was treated with. My mother told me the dept of energy told her my unusual fever condition was due to second generation radiation damage from her exposure but later after being intimidated she changed her story and claimed it was genetic from my father. Knowing her, she doesn't know which one is true nor does she have data to back up either theory or claim as being FACTUAL.

One has to recall one thing about these campaigns. If for instance it is used against me that I act crazy, you have to understand that my behavior was at its least weird or crazy as of having attention drawn to it when this went 24/7. My weirdness was never a problem before and my life was alot crazier in my 20's than it ever was once I found recovery then finally a place to live. This is what it means to be targeted. You are SINGLED OUT for a specific purpose and its usually NOT the one that is the focus of so much attention. What is most interesting is that this weirdness that got so much attention was much due to being targeted for so many years, as well as the conditions that naturally go along with coming from a family of mind control origin. Looking back there were many places I lived with home entries. There were always rude people or weird people messing with me and that would be the stalking part of gang stalking. It happened in Providence RI when I left my family to be independent at 18, it happened again when I left my mother to live with my her sister and husband in Littleton. I worked in a convenience store in Ayer MA and the same weirdos that showed up in Providence at Ethnic Imports where I worked, showed up at the convenience store. Years later during the height of the harassment one creep would comment on how I was beautiful back then as if I was just dog meat now. In Providence I recall once there were creepy instances like semi dangerous involving exactly what had been done all my life. Cars stalking me usually with some creepy guy involved that seemed to want to get me in the car. VERY dangerous people. What do you expect when you grow up with people cutting yer mother's break lines as well as some creep spying on our apartment from the roof of the school across the street? These were NOT due to my mother cutting people off at the bar if they were too drunk. This is the gang stalking system plain and simple. I now understand why my uncle may have benefitted from working for 'heavy people' as well as walking into her bar, just showing his face, looking at his sister and walking out as a warning to anyone who wanted to do us harm. These fuckers have been messing with this family for decades. I wonder how far back it goes, Europe with my great grandparents or did this start when they were employed in really rich homes as servants? Or is this from my grandfather associating with Cajuns in LA growing up? One just wonders how far back it goes. The stalking, the violence the mind control. Decades or millenia in a family line?

Once you understand its a system to keep mind controlled slaves in line with psychological warfare or handling, you can see it for what it is when it occurs now. No more having conversations with random weirdos that pop up with just the right come on or line. You know what they are up to now.

I recall in Littleton there was alot of psychic experiences not only in dreams but in many other ways, like experimentation. And I also almost got killed by a truck once taking up the whole road going the opposite way down a country road in Harvard MA which is right next to Littleton. When I was on vacation with this part of my family, my uncle let me drive and immediately trucks boxed me in on the highway, my uncle just commented on it like it was par the course of life. I now understand that my aunt's husband has all the credentials of a handler. Not only is he in contanct with many people who have more than average interesting lives he also knows too much about things he should not. Being a racist from Arkansas, and that is a real racist, he would make faces when I told him I was part Slavic from Eastern Europe, Poland and those coutries of course not being as 'pure' as German or Nordic etc in the criteria of a true racist. He also mentioned that my family had some Swede present. I told him no one had ever mentioned this and that it was no where in any of the two family trees that had been done, one of my mother's father's parents line and one of her mother's parent's line revealed nothing of that kind. When he argued back he once again claimed there was Nordic blood in the family as if he knew this for fact not just speculation. This creeped me out more than anything I can think of to this day, due to the Nazi involvement in the human experimentation my mother was a survivor of as well as how much genes and Eugenics seem to factor in with what is being done to society now. It was very important to him that this be a truth of fact not just speculative. I dont know his whole story but of course his father was a military man etc.

This line of occurrence gets old after a time. One can see plainly that there is a connection to the military in this strongly as well as to Nazi content. Even with all the info that I have, even though I have the puzzle pretty much figured and mapped out, it does not change any of the damage that has been done. And each year you dont hear an apology from the people that betrayed you nor one from the public who now just hang thier head when they pass you or every year you cant tell those who betrayed you to f*ck off, to at least tell them off for what they did- every year none of this gets confronted, and society as well as the guilty keep hiding behind the idea that the TI is just merely a mentally ill person who get exploited which is probably very much the explain-away in my case, more an more damage is done that will never be able to be healed.

In the end it seems that all this system wants is a TI that will eventually give into pressure to
'confess' all the information they know so therefore going through a key stage in behavior modification and on to forgetting what happened and moving on to becoming that new person that kept getting pushed so hard by the system- so that it can cover its ass for what it did as well as cover the asses of the multitudes of people both intimate and strangers in public spaces who mobbed you and betrayed you to destroy your life and your opportunities. If you do NOT confess you will suicide so in the end you probably have to do what the system wants or die.

This makes getting to truth and real justice very difficult. Its a beyond super human feat to just keep truth in mind forget about getting people to believe it or even taking anyone to court which I would love to do in the end of this.

I wonder if I got a hold of say, the lawyer Schlund used, could he direct me to someone if not himself who would handle my case, since there is so much documented wrong doing like the mold case and medical negligence as well as the part that the cover story played which could lead to a case involving destroying my life due to victim witness intimidation. You think about things like that and then the power that this system has over you from years of beat down keeps saying 'forget it it will never work just suicide' and the pain is so incredible you cant focus on anything else.

The best one might be able to do is to put it out there who did what to destroy your life before you suicide. But then you keep thinking that this is what the system wants to prove that MK Ultra works to break every person who is programmed without fail. As if that is the ultimate goal of this system to begin with it seems, that and getting me to suicide.