I know that this blog has taken a turn to being very angry and dark. Actually its for the best as this is a stage where I am facing my health issues which I had been avoiding on the road as well as realize that what happened is very very real. And it needs to be told even if it seems too soon as it will always likely seem 'too soon'.
My health being in the state its in and my memory failing me is pushing me towards seriously considering that I may not be in a condition to write just years from now.
This system does not want Targets to tell what has happened to them, they want us to change. To be modified to go along with the intended changes.
To do that would be to not only lose our Will but to trivialize all that not only we as individuals have been through but what every TI has been through.
You have to remember that there are many people for varying reasons that actually believe that what is being done to us is a good thing. Some believe that they are better than us due to wealth or class and that this ordeal will get us to 'know our place', many of those people may know about TI's being used as human experimentees. In thier perceptions this may be part of 'our place'.
Many of them only know the cover story or see how disturbed we have become or stressed out due to the harassment. This is, of course what the perps want in the long run.
Its very, very hard for me here, not just due to the cold and my new found weakened health since that Bactrim incident in December of 2009 and also due to just how heavily 'managed' this area of the country is on a daily basis Monday-Saturday.
Its also due to this being the cradle of life for me. The place where it all started, where my life began and also where its ending began. The re running of memories over and over again here is horrible for me. And each one has a much deeper pull on my psyche than any other would in differing locations outside of my hometown. Its also hard for me to have to see this place unchanged, but myself having been changed so drastically due to the campaign over many years time. And to know that many people I had as part of my former life have simply gone on with thier lives and forgotten about me or even are just holding thier breath or biding time until I finally drop or make a wrong move is the most maddening.
Its been close to impossible here to stay positive or to stick to the plan. I want to leave all the time but something here needs to be finalized before I go this time. There is much unfinished business here.
If people knew what victims of torture have been through they would probably be amazed that we havent gone totally insane or snapped yet. For people to treat us like we arent doing well enough or doing the right things is either purposeful continuation of torture or its total ignorance. It doesnt matter to us which motive as the effect on us is the same. Its just more to add to the workload, more burden on our nerves, our senses and our minds. THIS is one of the main reason that GS is hidden from society. The People then serve to do the perps jobs for them out of sheer ignorance in many instances. They are totally oblivious that such programs exist or thier impact on the victims over time.
I am at such a point that I cannot allow anything to stop me.