There is a saying in the 12 step programs: It works if you work it.
Things in life also do NOT work if you do not let them.
Did people actually think that I was going to take to some false designed life that isnt who I really am? What after years of living that way due to conditioining and programming? Are you all completely out of your minds? Why should I?
I know that the formula is to make sure I burn myself out on cyber activism and then forget about what happened, put it all in the past, meet some stupid guy and live happily ever after. That is not real life..or it shouldnt be. NOT AT ALL.
That would be living out a falshood manufactured by liars and the machinery that is in place. And in my 38 years on this earth I have seen far too much of that, and I wont have it.
Do you expect me to be as dense and controllable as my aunt? Or as identifying with the aggressor as my mother? Or as convinced of my superiority due to compliance with this system as my uncle? Or the taking of protection, gigs or bribes like all my former intimates or associates plus continued silence and denial of the truth is the way to be?
You got me all wrong. The only thing that matters is reality. Reality as it should have been and as it would have been. Not as it has been made to be.
Do you think you are going to see me fat and old, what you have made me into, touting my ass around, re traumatized into pretending that I am happy in life, dumbed down and compliant?
I will never ever give up who I am and the way things should have gone for me. THAT is reality not what has become my life. And I certainly will NOT give up MY life for a bunch of rich kids who believe they are more entitlted to life than I, nor my family who has treated me like the scapegoat since I was born. NONE of you will succeed in your goals.
You will have a dead body on your hands as I have said before. Nobody denies me my birth right as a very smart person, an attractive person and the power that would have afforded me to build a future. And my talents that would have taken me where I wanted to go.
My 30's should have been easy for me compared to the rough start I had in life...and someone, or a group of people who share a common interest have made sure that does not happen.
So why would I just surrender to being a different person? I will be a dead person and that should be enough to satisfy all parties involved..
but somehow it isnt. Somehow I get the impression that a false reality or self that proves people can be managed through this system is the most desirable out come. If I refuse to comply and show the final act of Will and freedom by taking charge of my own life then the system is disproven that it has control of people. Also, the people in my life and onlookers who have always enjoyed watching me controlled will lose as well.
The other desired outcome I can tell for sure, in fact MORE desirable seems to be that I get a label of schizophrenia or other such psychiatric treatment.
That would be fine if it were true, and the problem with my situation is that you have people in my own family trying to point out some sort of Eugenics based genetic connection...nice try but there is too much cruelty, too much crime to hide and too many screw ups by the perpetrators. Also, even though I have no documentation of such, I have been told to my face by varied people what is really going on and that I am not crazy.
However, my mother and her mother with thier comparing me to my father constantly is pretty powerful an angle for the opposition to have. It puts me at such a disadvantage...really I have just ignored it due to others telling me what is really going on as well as the evidence pointing more towards cover up for criminals and whatever the case is with my mothers radiation experimentation, as well as the fact that tech exists that can do to me what I have documented in this blog moreso than if I were just mentally insane or had a disorder...
I cant figure her out, my mother. First she says she wanted to go through with a class action law suit in 95 (96?) or testify with the commitee http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/radiation/ then she says she was followed so she dropped it. Then she seems to turn and I cant figure it out. I find it hard to believe that the system could turn her thier way after she fought so hard to gather evidence for her case. She even claimed she had been talking to some woman from the Dept of Energy.
However, my mother has always been a safety seeker first and foremost and also she is a horrible victim of trend. She goes with whatever the crowd is doing; I mean we all do as we all exist as a mass while we are here on earth, but I mean she seems to forget whatever was important or who she was just a few years ago in favor of whatever the culture pushes as popular in the now.
If the war in Iraq and all the security threats and anti terrorism scared her into comprimising or into conforming..that is the only thing I can think of. Also she has always been abusive, and of course there is the connection to whatever was going on in other areas of my life that were mysterious involving her..but she seemed so sure about her case and was so into getting justice for herself.
I just cant see...her part in all this is probably the hardest to figure out. Why would she work so hard on justice for herself just to sell out to the system? I really dont get it at all. Not at all.
And why was it so easy to turn the perception of me into this crazy person 'like Danny' all of a sudden? And mostly you have to ask why was it so IMPORTANT...and why so important during a federal investigation of friends of friends? During which I was led on by everyone to believe that was the source of the harassment?