Great, now I am getting this ideation that I was so wrong or for asking for help from someone out there..that I havent 'changed' and I just want money. Can you say full on behavior modification?
Purity and perfection. NO ONE can adhere to this..unless they internalize the shame and become guilty and become like the system seems to want them to. All this for what? I am here to tell you that I am here to
-impress no one
- defend myself and keep myself alive
-I am not here to cow tow to corrupt authority
-nor to lose my future and artistic abilities and the person I could have been all in order to give in and change in order to please some bizarre, controlling very seemingly sexist idea that I need to conform, give up artistic pursuit and become a born again virgin and a good little woman eventually.
It really feels like there is this insane control freak quality to this, and that its 'conform or die'. What the hell is this?? Is this about confession? I mean am I being tortured so that I just tell every thing that happened? Now you see why I knew I should have left here a few days ago, even with 50 bucks in my pocket. I could sense something coming down. It is really bad here now....I need to get out of the city.
Boston is very...strange right now. A few nights ago, (and this is NOT logical) its like a cold still and darkness came over the area. It was so black at night a few nights ago. There is a stillness that is very..disturbing. Activity around me seems to have ceased...
If this is my own death it would rather be a relief....but it feels like something to do with the city, the area.