Still debating when to leave

As usual after 12 midnight approximately, I have myself back again..the torture seems to stop. So different from today and tonight..horrible.

I was looking in the back pages of some local free papers and mags that tell everyone where to go for cul-cha here in Boston. Of course never having been able to leave me old life I look in the back at the social pages, which I enjoyed snubbing my nose at alot more when I was actually invited to those places than being marginalized...still its always fun to snub which seems my nature anyway.

I see all the tragically successful people...after I have my finger half way down my throat I realize why I should leave town- Harvard cops hanging with resauranters, hanging with news casters/anchors and reporters (no journalists). Ahem..anyway, a few famous faces..TV people. All looking the same..not too drunk or high. Not to common or uninteresting yet not eccentric. Carbon copies of other sucessful people..all perfectly nipped and tucked. Smug faces, calmly confident faces. Rich faces..boring--so godamn boring.
It was boring then and its boring now. I used to love being a dope fiend and people had to accept me.
There was this awful rock crowd of suburban jerk offs who thought that the rock scene was sooo cool. If these kids got any cooler they would have frozen to death. They were just dead..which means that they were afraid..to express themselves mostly. I had grown up partially with colorful people..I was to the point where the scene had taken on an ironic quality by my 20's. I admit I enjoyed a bit of horrorshowing these ever-so-normal kids..they had false limits and I felt they needed to test them. Often to thier distress.

Really I always had this sort of attitude that I was living in a John Waters movie...my life had this camp quality to it and I enjoyed it that way. It was what the content of my artwork was going to be. Still that was under MY control. Its no fun nor is it amusing for someone to have their WillPower taken away.
There is a difference between role playing a rape scene with a trusted lover and a real true rape. One is with control and trust..the other is a violation and it isnt funny. Nor should it be tolerated.

That is the difference between ME having my own life to screw around with as I please and bumble through it and someone else having control and f*cking it up for me.

Whoever is doing this to me not only wants to silence a victim witness they have got to be the worlds most fucked up control freak ever. What is up with the issues with women and the virgin/whore obsessions?? Can you tell that men are behind this most likely or what? Before I complete suicide I have GOT to know who is behind this..they are really f*cked up.
Is it my mother? Is it my uncle? Is it my ex employer? Is it some mob guys? Is it some obsessive psycho cops? Is it the military?? Is it satanists in the military as in the Aquino-esque variety?? Is it the ex and his new crowd of rich kid 'as long as our parents protect us we can think we are true criminals' psuedo badasses? Is it any bitch who was ever jeolous of me? Is it an impersonal agency or company/corporation??

Targets are always wondering.

I would die laughing...then of course go on the warpath totally if I EVER found out this is some bullshit used as a motivator of some kind. I lost a finger due to this. My lungs are damaged, I am damaged. Motivate me to what?? Conform? Yeah, that and 'take the blue pill'. How about you a-holes take some radium suppositories up the ass?? Like the ones you gave my mother....along with hitting her with radiation to shrink her tonsils...which grew back anyway. Is that why she and I are the only two in the family with endometriosis?? Ahh Bethesda Naval Hospital..the deaths and suicides associated with that place and that project are the worst real life horror show. Funny how Hollywood..typically the stealer of souls and other peoples stories doesn't go that route. Hmmmm.

When I am done you will take a bitter pill. You can write me off all you want as some down and out white trash or some old disgarded whatever....that is superficial. What is everyone covering up for really??? I wouldnt be down and out if it wasnt for gang stalking and harassment.

And as for using my ex or any other person from my past against me...its pure manipulation of the targets emotional state and that is all. I havent seen my step father for years..he married some ginny brat from Aetna bridge co..he always wanted more in life. Good for him. He had a beef with that bitch mother of mine, not me. He is much more sensible than that.
And so the system giving me some image of him mentally, that he is thinking of me or doesnt want me to leave MA is pure bullshit and totally contrived.
Also, my ex's last words to me on the phone were a very WASPish f*ck off consisting of "I dont think of YOU at all". Hey I was the one realizing something was happening to me and tried to break up with him a few times but the idiot kept convincing me not to go. I should have cuz then when he got busted and went into NA he would have no one to blame but himself and the system could not have elected to use him against me.
Last time I saw him he was rolling his eyes at the idea of me being near him in a meeting and after that he just went on to other things and eventually someone else.

Why would he be in my dreams at all?? Or my thoughts?? That kid is more than happy to have forgotten all about me a long time ago. I know this. I was the one planning long ago to break up with him and go on to someone who did not have his...faults.
But the system can now utilize his memory daily to torture me with. THEY make the story THEY make the rules..and if you say anything about this reality then you MUST be mentally ill. Sorry but too many people around the world are complaining of what seems like human experimentation and a human/tech interface that is used for either social control or individual coercion of human beings.
The tech has been shown to either outright be patented, be in the works, or at least be feesible.

Mental illness is just not an option anymore for people being handled by what seems to be technology..in combo with organized stalking and harassment (with a high level of intel on the target) that employs sophisticated psychological warfare and also there may be use of chemicals (per old fashioned spy craft--good ol poisons).

ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN PROVEN TO BE FEESIBLE IN TODAYS WORLD. ALL YOU WOULD NEED IS MOTIVE....the budget is obviously either black or its under some other sort of front. Or just plain corporate and someone on my level wouldnt even know anything on that level at all.

If I am so poor and kept that way, yet I am attractive, creative and intelligent..why would someone or a group of people who are wealthy and connected decide to oppress me or enslave me..even just for personal satisfaction. With the money that is out there privately..you could do anything you wanted really.

So I dont want to hear it.

People do not consider the feelings or rights of someone that they consider helpless. And my own family has gone along with this..its not like anyone really cares about me or what I want. There are no human rights when no one is willing to say there if there was a crime or not. Just ignore the victim and there is no crime..its that easy.

So I will go somewhere else and be miserable. This life contains nothing for me except for people to make sure I am kept busy and out of the way. I will never be allowed to have any power or my own life. I will never be happy and my 'dreams' or plans for my future will never be realized.
A perp had the audacity once to say that not ALL of my dreams would come true..suggesting that some would be allowed to.

You cant take your conditions and f*ck yourselves. I want NO life if only partial dreams. I will not live unrecognized, marginalized and unappreciated. In a world that seems to be polulated by jerks who are delusional enough to convince themselves they are better than someone like me..AS LONG AS THIS OPPRESSIVE SYSTEM MAKES IT SO BY ALTERING LIVES AND EVENTS IN THEIR FAVOR.

Who is delusional?? The TI who can at least show the possibility of corruption via tech and group dynamics like mobbing with ol human greed as motivator?
Or a collective that insists that the victim is a Nothing that wud have never amounted to anything anyway..well you may get your way on that one. But I was not born that way and only severe marginalization of me via artificial force and altering of my life has made the groups superiority possible. You can leave me behind all you want....if I was left to grow naturally I would have been a healthy happy beautiful individual. You cannot alter THAT truth.

So you create a false reality via false exnviroments then you claim the person calling foul and claiming interference is the one imaging things.

Fuck off and let me go to be miserable in the sun. Maybe I will make my suicide into an art project. I know some of you f*ckers are sick enought ot want to film it.