I am trying to leave town and I am being hit very hard by something negative lets say...Its been severe depression all day as I try to leave and ALOT of sexual stimulation accompanied by humiliation. A feeling of someone not wanting me to leave even as of this morning..I was given a manipulative dream this morning-my ex the only one who cared about me and didnt lie to me, for at least a little while..the system will not let me move beyond his stupid memory. I should have moved beyond this years ago. Almost every day this gets brought up...this morning it was a dream where he got kidnapped and subjected to mind control. Then in the car he leans over and kisses me.. I wake up. Then a vision of my step father comes into my head and that he doesnt want me to leave.
These are manipulations of the targets emotions and mental state. It is two male figures who were the only two people who ever treated me well if just for a short time...a father and a 3 and a half year boyfriend.
Lately there has been alot of push to make me conform, to settle me down, and always to get me to work in a hospital as well as find a husband. These are not things I ever wanted...I am being altered to be a 'good' little woman. To be a servant once again (taking care of people). A person should never be forced into service by force but upon one's own will. I was going to become a councillor when all this came down in 2004 or so..and it seems that was not acceptable. It seems that the system wants to control TI's internally for life and never are we allowed to do anything on our own. FREE WILL AND THE CONTROL OF ONES OWN WILLPOWER SEEMS THE GREATEST THREAT TO THIS SYSTEM.
I felt that this mornings dream and thought of my ex and my step father was an attempt to make me feel comforted by memories (induced obviously) to keep me going for a time until REAL life replacements for these could be put into my life or sought out by me.
I feel that emotional signatures are used on me frequently...as I recorded what was happening to me its like someone turned a knob higher and higher and suddenly I found I was experiencing an array of comforting or pleasurable feelings based on things I feel good about and have recently...the problem is that they concernt various subject matter that would not naturally come to ones mind and they are seperate and random.
I then found it very hard to record on audio what had just transpired with the dream I had.
Today as I planned to leave and got my things together, I have become more and more doubtful about leaving and a depression has come over me that is debilitating...its seems making me sleepy was tried as well.
I have been unable to function...I am trying to leave town with little money but Boston has become intolerable and I am sick of shelters where staff is mean, its unhygenic and there are outright disruptive mentally ill people. I cannot get housing becus last time I did there was gang stalking and home breakins and noisy neighbors (and mysteriously broken water pipes on two sides of my apartment.) I have tried to rent a room out of Craigs list but it turned out to be some sex offenders who attempted to treat me badly and were controlling and tried to get me into a group dynamic where I was basically the same scape goat as in my mothers family. Also ,I rented out of the paper when I was in AZ and it turned out to be a perp who was an airline steward who kept commenting on how the Mormons watch thier women to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to, and he would brag that his ex roomate only got her son a presidential appointment "ONLY becuz she went out with someone from the CIA"..he seemed to be also very into the Homeland security workers at his airline job and said to me " you can learn alot about a person from their cell phone". All sorts of shit happend there, and he was a perp I have no doubts..really overt stuff too. When he wasnt home is when some stuff happened..I wish I had a camera then. He loved Costa Rica for some reason...had a woman down there. He seemed to be one of those people who was in uniform becuz he wished he could really be someone in uniform that was powerful.
And this was right out of the newspaper...I refuse to go this route again.
So I have to stay in shelters and being out during the day here is just too hard. I would rather be in a miserable situation someplace warmer. The MC lately has been torture...the sexual arousal always comes from a scar that is present due to a doctor doing an exporitory to see about interstitial cystitis. I did have it...but also I notice that the sexual stimulation often includes the bladder. I admit this could be parasitic disease couldnt it? But how does one explain the humiliations I get mentally along with it? And its always either trying to humiliate me into gettig with a man who will abuse me or to become a hard core submissive when that is not my nature. Lately its been ideations of going back into the adult industry but as a hard core submissive..this is similar to what was talked about on INSEX.com. If people could create subissive females out of strong women using coercion dont you think they would? OR its to try to get me to be the opposite which is like mother Mary of something. Some sexless fat caretaker type woman who is like a mom figure that will take care of people. Its like saying 'either be a good little girl or be abused and degraded severely'.
To be honest I will hit the road and take my chances...
No one is going to keep me fat and miserable (well a little overweight and miserable) here in Boston. I get deconditioned here and I always eat too much..its unhealthy here. There is too much mold and I cant breath well. I am sick of shelters here and see no other way out from what I have been through and the way I have been treated over the past many years. In my experience there IS no way out...except to do what is demanded of you against your will and eventually become this false new person that the system is trying to create through constant damage and torture.
I dont care about my jaw and tooth I will deal with it later..it has once again come time to run for your life..forget everything else. I probably should have left here earlier like months ago but could not...always being diverted.
Lately there has been much ideation about getting a lawyer concerning my situaion.
Yeah right. And exactly what am I supposed to tell him?? Am I supposed to offer testimony?? 1) Get myself killed 2) what am I going to get in return?? Revenge?? Do you honestly think that will work? I am already discredited anyway. Also, exactly what part of my story should I tell mr. lawyer?? And how do I know that he will not be corrupted like the last lawyer or any lawyer? And what exactly is he going to help me with?? The mold case? The gang stalking? The mind control tech? Or the tbmc that I was a survivor of? Or is he going to listen to my story and realize that I can map out conspiracy??? But I have no proof do I??
If you are a TI if seems you do not exist and have no cred...exactly what am I supposed to do with a lawyer at this point?? and exactly what do I do to make sure that he is not corrupted? I have no friends, people that gravitate towards me turn out to be either handling me or are trying to use me for something becuz its been established I am vulnerable (so they think).
Getting a lawyer..yeah ok. I might just try it to illustrate that living under duress as I do..IT CANT BE DONE.
If you think I am going to grace the world of law or anything to do with the system after what they did to me...you are all nuts. What are we going to do?? Fine tooth comb who was working in what po po depts during my FUCK OVER??? becuz that is how MY fucking mind works..how about we find out if any and all of the people involved (and there are alot) have kids? Lets wait 10...20.. maybe longer and make generations miserable. Lets go after everyone from the judge on the bench in Brighton to my lawyer to the NA trust fund brats to the cops to the criminals to .....see how I guess I do want a perfect life. I want full and total REVENGE and justice. And on some people very close to me, who were intimate and were not making business decisions but made it personal when it should not have been I call f*ckin vendetta.
Yer dead... how does that sound?? Sounds like I would need lots of money, my Theta programming back in order ( no need for outside assasins then) and connections.
I have shit..so fuck the system. It works only in THIER favor. It protected the criminals and made me out to be the bad guy. It prefers people who matter...not people who should. They will never be forgiven...they do not exist.
The system demands that you comprimise with it even though it fails miserably. My pateince is at an end.
I know that everyone is dying to push me to the point where I will do something so crazy that I will prove myself to be this total asshole and psycho that they want me to be..sorry. I was simply a tbmc survivor trying to sort if out ALL BY MYSELF with an extremelby abusive mother and controlling family (who is dying to be blameless officially) and so many people that I needed to help me were neglegent. YOU MADE me a loser I did not choose this. I got people telling me I am not crazy and telling me that I am being kept down through intimidation....and I know it inside too.
At least some perps tell me the truth..hmph. NOT the system however.
You can choke on your corrupt BS.
I am going to Tuscon AZ. On Greyhound. I do not expect to be harassed or gassed or fucked with. There will be NO human experimentation, no idiots with cell phones having directed conversations (unless they wanna make my audio collection). There will be no idiots sitting next to me trying to get info out of me..in fact I will have a pleasant and incident free ride. And when I get to Tuscon I will have my ass kissed by the AZ that treated me so badly in Phoenix...this time tell the people who looked so mob connected last time I was there to give it up and stop wasting their time. Also, Tuscon will be very pleasant for me. Busdrivers wont pull bullshit like closing the doors on me or messing with me...and if I end up homeless I will be treated like everyone else...I will not be approached or messed with above what is normal for that enviroment.
If you are the same idiots who f*cked with me last time I was out there if you approach me I will simply try to interview you on exactly why you tried to set ME up as having some knowledge about the pot money from Dougie coming through Pheonix and why was Romney in office and why was it Mcain and Romneys states (AZ, MA) before that election, and why was it suggested to me to go to Phoenix when I was RUNNING to someplace hot and dry due to MOLD SICKNESS actually. And why was I told to leave Boston but then later told that "when you run it makes you look guilty"?
YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK YOURSELVES. It seems multiple persons in this whole country have taken not only part but pleasure in helping to misguide me, destroy me and drive me nuts. When I am done you will either have a dead body on your hands or you will be kissing me ass in droves...nothing less will do.
There are no comprimises when there is an all out war on just one woman from a mob of assholes who seem to support the worst people. You asked for this.
Keep fukcing with me.