I was never good at math. Reading, writing and lit were subjects I excelled in above average levels as a kid. But as I grew older drawing took a back seat to poetry, then writing compulsively. After that I seemed to become very comfortable with math about my mid 30's. I started to consider taking math and really improving, I even started to see how math was in everything I had done before like artwork or poetry. This is when the system came down hard on me. Its as if they were afraid of this late blooming. I will never figure out what it is about math that is so frightening to the establishment.
Since I have been burned out and had my wiring ripped out I only blank out when even trying to read what his original problem was he solved..but that doesnt matter anymore. To people like myself living this nightmare, his unwavering stubborness to stick to his ethics as well as to reject a society based on...well it sounds like he is using logic in alot of the arguments made against his colleagues. One can see it in the way he speaks, as it is written. It looks- like math.
Math in the form of complicated musical composition up to levels I can understand anyway, calms me, internally. From someplace deep within.
One of the perps here in Boston once made a comment pertaining to some people getting a calming effect from what others would find grating or annoying. I knew she was pertaining to me being monitored at certain university libraries and them seeing that I was actually calmed by gut wrenching death metal or black metal. Sure its the matching of the stress and anger etc inside- the expression of it. But its also the pure math and its fast and exacting.
It seems instead of a target satiating that part of their mind that was never really used or is awakened now with deprogramming, the system would rather make you feel bad about being smart and underfed mentally, and then use this against you to destroy that part of you. The longer you are kept from stimuli -your mind just gives up on seeking it.
I am becoming a true American now. I dont even think I am suited for Europe anymore as years ago. They have dumbed me down to the point where soon I will be so damaged I may just genuinely be happy to never leave the USA.
You know thats what this is about anyway. One retired professor warned me: "You cant be yourself in this country". Another one I overheard saying "Well, they want conformity not intelligence". He was saying that to a group of students visiting the hostile I was at in St Louis MO and before he made that conclusion they were speaking about me, the strange guest of the owner those months.
Yeah, suicide. Beats a full fledged reduction of intelligence, spirituality and emotional desensitizing...just to become a lemming up in this motherf*cker. It may already be too late.
Just the amount of brain damage the mold exposure has done should make people a bit humbled about what was going on..but its seems that like the true behavior modification program this is, that is PART of what they are doing- just like in MK Ultra mycotoxins seem to make the mind more easily wiped and reformatted. This is why its ignored. Well it isnt ignored by me. I have to suffer through the effects daily while living in a front alter that keeps up happy appearences. People are so genuinely stupid. They really believe that its all 'ok' what is going on or what was done. Nobody really grasps how damaging MK Ultra is or its use in this modern era.
How much brain damage must be done before the person can be 'reformatted'. And the sick people who are in on this dont care. I believe they are so psychotic, so brainwashed and so selfish that they only wish to alter the person.
For instance they have to hate on me in order to really believe that I need to be modified or deserve this.
When the whole story is told I will drop my happy face persona. It will be safe to do so. I will then be confident that I am safe in reality. That there is on record the whole true story of events as they happened. Then no one can convince me or anyone else that this is just or I deserved this.
Last night I was resting in front of the COOP. I got a flash of someone driving by very quickly who thought I was getting what I deserve due to past association with a cab driver friend named John Horner. He's one of those dirty old men who takes care of wayward girls, and typically he worshipped me when I was young, let me borrow money as a herion addict in my twenties knowing full well what that was about, letting me stay with him and the whole time wining like a kid about his ex wife who obviously grew out of dealing with being with a drunk semi talented musician. Who is secretly in love with his naturally talented way harder partying trumpet player. Who was a mercurial genius. Johnny on the other hand had to practice 8 hours a day just to perform very mediocre.
This system I believe uses him as some sort of poster boy for f*cked over men in my life. He was always 20 or so years older than me and should have been a responsible adult. These are just more excuses by the sick sexist faction that is partially behind this. And I will bury every one of them eventually. EVERY ONE.
When I got older he insisted that I finally sleep with him. I tried it just to see what he was about. One of the worst out of two sexual experiences in my whole life. I mean EVERYONE. In my 'real' life and my alter ego as well. After wards he admits that he "made a dirty deal" about getting me to sleep with him. The guy is just power hungry and thats all he is. A piece of shit. My old associate supposedly used to mess with him..probably to keep control over her drivers. He said it like it was another power trip.
This was the guy who looked at me sheepishly after I made some rythms naturally with some sticks he gave me: "Ok you've got natural talent"..AH HA! Now we know the real reason he helped target me. True enough. And he was one of the major people to help the system take me down.
And every sucker male who believes in him and other men who have used me then were jealous or in competition with my intellectually or creatively (See Jake) or how 'difficult' I could be then used all that as excuse to band together to destroy me.
Its pathetic really. Hes such a pawn.
I recall he said to me that he had a dream where I walked off onto a path and just kept walking off into this purple sunset until I couldnt be seen anymore. You should have heard the way (and the time period) he conveniently made it sound just like being targeted to death, which is what this system does.
This is not the first time I experienced this sexism from total psychopaths. In St Louis MO I experienced a cop car stop way in front of me, and the driver focused on me. I heard loudly something about 'the bitch finally got what she deserved' or 'the filthy whore finally got what she deserved'. It was so obviously from that car. And St Louis was the most violent and crazy place for this campaign. They think no one knows what they are up to out there in the mid west- no one can hear you scream type attitude. The midwest also had the most bizarre Satanic experiences I've had as well.