To anyone who wants to focus on this and either feel bad or feel angry about what I say dont bother. I just observe, document, try to sort it out and move on the next place. Take anything you can from it for traveling or for your own experiences or learn from it. Also I have no close white female friends here only black ones. The African American women here generally are much more friendly than back home. I dont understand So Cal 's social set up and unfortunately its the sort of place that lulls you and whispers to you to NOT try to control stuff or figure it out. Just start making some money like everyone else and flow along- start enjoying your life.
Yes, due to this totally illogical approach to living I want to get out of here with ass on fire dont doubt it. FAST. Nothing like melting into a trap. An earthquake vulnerable, stoned, sunny place where living a good life never looked so attractive or E-Z. UUGHGHG. Yeah at the expense of a New Englander's natural inclination to worry alot. I dont want to stop worrying about stuff just like I dont want to let my brains melt as So Cal would have. Thats what it feels like anyway.
I like feeling rooted not floating in a dream with everyone else. I feel like a part of me is missing here. Like a half sleep is required to be a So Cal resident. I simply cannot do this...maybe when I am done with my book. Just living here is like being on drugs...not super intense fun ones either. There is only an never changing flow...there is not punch packed by anything here.
Pretty good I guess for an angry ghost like me, left for dead and ripped from my old life and identity. But I am not quite ready to die and go to California just yet.