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Please be advised that this written work of mine is only THEORY. It's theorizing, pondering and amateur research. I have no belief in anything posted here because if I did I would have had legal action taken by now-until that occurs this blog can only be considered theorizing.

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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Foolish Love Affairs Brought On By Living in a War Zone

The organized stalking and harassment system known also as just 'gang stalking' is used on many people throughout life without thier knowledge. These are human beings who have somehow been sold out to slavery via sophisticated and ancient mind control methods. Also some are being used in continuing human experimentation. In this way the system is used as maintenance. To maintain control over the person by ensuring they are always on edge...internal programming will take care of the rest.
When and if you get beyond that point this system will stay on your ass until you give in..to suicide, insanity or just giving up by getting old, tired, fat and forgetting what the reality of your situation is. By becoming compliant, submissive or conforming. Giving in to aggrevation, desperation, depression, anger, hunger or the vampirism that years of gang stalking can create in a person-that kind of hunger. If you used to naturally exchange energy with people in a very strong way this system will attempt to turn you into an empty vessel that literally drains others.

You realize that many decisions in your life were driven by living under this system but never understanding that. The shame is that when you are at this point as I am now, you can actually see that you form relationships under war-like conditions. Relationships of convenience or desperation. These are never honest relationships nor are they really what we need. What we need is to be left the hell alone to heal, figure things out and then to do some work that is satisfying using all of our life experience. Instead this system wants to destroy us, turn us into hateful, disgruntled unhappy people. Often even as we fight this happens. No one who is so harassed can fight and keep thier composure.

I find myself often getting into relationships of desperation or convenience quite naturally. People may try to brainwash you into believing that 'this is the way life is' or that you got what you deserved etc. Gang stalking is very severe and its NOT normal. Why else would they try so hard to get the TI labeled even before they undersand what is going on? If this were normal or the way life goes then it wouldnt have to be done so covertly. Any of it. Do YOU usually have pharmacists telling you not to take the pills they just filled for you?? Do YOU have people coming up to you with info about your existence that they should not have unless the FBI at its most sophisticated level has been on your ass for life? WTF is that?? People are afraid to deny this system what is wants...its not that its right or normal. But the only people willing to approach you when you got a target on your back ARE the very people that want you to believe such things.

Today I had a relationship finally end. It has been going on since February. Not a long time but as TI's get older and as the abuse from this system destroys you and you l live on the road with no solid support system as its been ripped from you, if you DO find someone you become dependent on them and fall in very deep with them too quickly. This behavior is not only deadly to older people's sense of self and emotional state but it is something that should have been outgrown by now. This is one of the marks of MK Ultra is regression back to childhood or an immature state. And it puts many targets into such daily immense pain that suicide is often the only way out.
The gang stalking system is basically taking you and trying to fit you into a smaller box than is your right size. It keeps you small. This is not natural so of course you'll be in immense pain at all times. Unless you "accept your situation" as one perp told me. Which means lying to yourself to survive.

I had a psychic connection with this person as well which is odd in itself on top of him knowing my situation. Instead of it creeping me out I just accepted it. He seemed more helpful than harmful. But he had things about him I knew werent right for me. I should have left months ago. My intuition kept telling me so. Hes also a bit of a con and is only 30. I knew this. But after suffering so much and becoming so damaged one will do anything to feel safe and healed. It gave me much needed healing and safety as this man was both gentle and tough when necessary.
After an unusual occurence of some theatrics pulled near the 12th and Imperial trolley station, he went looking for the guy and many security guards looked nervous about that...I could see it. After years of this you start to read this in people. You can see thier part in the games.

I have been left alone pretty much ever since..except for perhaps this area being intolerable to me for other reasons. If it is gang stalking its so subtle that it makes me aggrevated without knowing how to avoid it. I have been getting aggrevated lately only when he is with me. Its like the system changed its game plan. I actually feel like whatever stimulus I am reacting to I could handle better if I were alone.
An older target told me that the system has ways of making friends fight. Especially if they are both targeted.

I went into it too far and of course started to built around him and define me as us. This is new to me and is only a result of being reduced and altered via years of gang stalking. I always retained my own life in relationships before and it wasnt hard to walk away with some civility. After what part Jake played and since that time period of the campaign starting so aggressively, I havent been that person in years. This may be ultimately an attempt to make me tamed into a marriage or become dependent on a man for...well everything. Its certainly not my natural style.
Its what comes from living under these conditions..warlike conditions. You arent who you would have been if left to your own Will. My book was still my main focus but I gave up too much for him. I have spend alot of money helping him get his sh*t together as well as stayed in So Cal even though the environment is destructive to me health.
I now find myself alone and unassisted, broke early in the month, in a tent. I also found something else strange:my cavitation started hurting again and many aches and pains returned once I genuinely broke it off today (and texted that I hate him). His presence or his pheromones seemed to have actually put me into a state of rest or ease.
One of the things you will note as you progress into being destroyed is that you can no longer easily heal yourself along with losing much self love.

Due to the extremely stressful environment here in So Cal, one of passive Agression, and of no privacy on the street, of no respect, of constant comparison and status seeking and me being mistaken for some broad who gives a sh*t. They will steal your soul here minute by minute and I learned too late why all the Mex women wear big wrap around sunglasses. To me they looked over dramatic and like Elvis glasses. But I understand now: it is soul stealing protection. And damn if it doesnt actually work. People actually seek to look into your face here, into your eyes and challenge you, take from you or shame you by the second on the street. And they have a large case of envy as well as no fear of ethnic whites. NOW the only issue is people who try to vibe hunt you when the glasses are on...then I gotta take them off, they see I am not Mex or 'Anglo' as is typical here and are deflected immediately, most likely by that Italian look as well as whatever else is in my DNA that says "I dont give a shit, get out of my way, I am smarter than you. I have seen more shit than you. I have done more sh*t than you. I have been places youll never go-I travel. Yer screwed up social cues here mean shit to me. You meaning is lost on me. I am not typical female here nor am I the white you are used to." Works especially on men here as they seem to think that every female face they look into is going to submit. And its the most bizarre thing I have ever seen as its a constant dance here. Its the most nosy place I have ever lived in. I dont even think its normal. Everyone here is looking, literally. to another person for validation and that often means stealing someone elses sense of validation. Its totally f*cked.
And it creates a stress that northeastern people have never known before.
That is what I get for not having a working mp3 and sunglasses for a month or two. You'll go mad in that time. But I was into this guy and I guess just started feeling safe as well as wanted to experience my environment naturally...what a mistake.

Its like a subliminal circus (yes, you can steal that. I wont get far enough to use it. But I would if I could for sure. Awful isnt it?). It really forces one to lose focus. And use the N word alot, which I am not proud of in these last few months as well as have never used it as frequently as in this location. I am sure once I leave my venom will drop off in a less stressful environment. This country is really using the race war thing to divert us from what happened during Bush..isnt it great? More crap to deal with now.

I hold myself responsible for becoming a caretaker but I just look at the circumstances and I realize I would never have been with this guy unless out of this situation. He was very sweet however but he needs a nice Christian girl who wants babies and is chill. Still his underlying resistance to the system was attractive.

I asked myself what was I thinking and also what the hell am I doing here in this tent STILL in So Cal? I need someone who is commited as I am to fighting as well as travel with me. I also need someone a bit closer to my age probably. He seemed to know how bad being targeted was but didnt seem to expect as much fallout as there is from the damage thats been done over the years.

I also suspect that the minute I leave SD city limits its on again. I hope not seriously. I was so close to starting to put that books beginnings together. He was a good bodyguard. He kept obsessing over me getting my liver taken care of..I am still in suicide mission mode. I dont care anymore about that or even about my health at this point. My job is to get that thing done and just deal with the rest later. Its all that matters.
Things didnt get done fast enough for him. I cant deal with my emotional state as well as the mental PTSD thing as well as perform miracles getting set up here. Its performing a miracle just doing what I did get done at this point.

People may seem to understand our situation but there is no way for them to fathom totally the damage or the pressure we are still operating under much less functioning in such a way retaining much of that damage- walling it off daily. It takes up all of the energy that should have been used to create wonderful things at our Will or heal people through our life experience as elders in or later years.

It is one of the most sad things about this system. The damn waste of energy and talent and accomplishment.

And the people we burn through as we burn up, running towards our graves for eventual relief but trying to leave something behind before we go.
It all should have been more structured than this, more orderly and most of all much easier to live. We think someone is helping us but they either make us weak with 'love' so return to battle with chinks in our armor or we pull them into our nightmare.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Furthermore, our relationships as TIs are regulated and controlled, as well as even scripted at times. I'm sure you've met the love of your life, and the "other" feels the same, yet this person all of a sudden gets faded out of your life gradually after a year or so. After that, the perps determine when you are allowed "contact" and under what conditions. I suppose this is the "growing conditionally", or how I see it, growing under the auspices of how the perps want it to progress. And the funny thing is, that "other" sees no problem at all with this relationship. After all, it is better than nothing at all, right?

Yes, they do regulate everything in our lives. I had a job interview, and it seems the only purpose it served was to get me exposure to certain people with Italian names, as the perps have been working on getting me phobic to people with Italian last names. Interesting. They've been working on getting me phobic to blacks as well.

I must say I was suspicious from the very outset, as the interviewer wanted me to come in for the interview the next day after she initially contacted me. I kind of suspected this was one of those perp screw jobs, so it was good to get this over with right away. Right there, was experiencing the growth under the perps' conditions: I was to get the interview, but get completely blown off as though the interview never happened afterwards. It could be a deflation tactic on their part, but the one guy did have an Italian last name, and the interviewer looked exactly like this one news woman on the local station. So there, that interview was all the perps would allow me.

The perps did allow me to take the Census enumerator job, however. That's probably why I didn't teach more than 2 credits last spring: because they "knew" (scripted) that I would be working the Census job. And what do you know: exactly one week after the semester ended, that's when the training began for the Census job. How convenient.

So, I get to work on jobs that they have in their "plan" for me. They tell me they're "flexible". I really do get messages passed to me like this by the perps.

See, it's all about being contained. Once you're targeted, you basically are trapped into their plans for your life: who you marry, where you work, what you do for fun, where you are "allowed" to hang out, who you meet, etc. Unless, of course, you rebel. I don't really see what difference it makes, because the harassment never goes away. And who would trust "them" (the perps) anyways? I wouldn't trust the local hoodlums with my life, so why should I trust the perps?

Anonymous said...

Well, you certainly have helped me understand what is going on. The harassment and sheer number of clowns I have to deal with is really fucking astounding. I do have one person I like a lot, but I want to give this one some time off, maybe a month or two, to see if things can heal up. My mom is always pushing the "if it was meant to be, it'll happen" mantra. I'm not really sure why, but partially it could be the perps have been working on her. Gosh, I really hate to admit this, but like you said, this is my battle to fight, not hers. I did have one former perp b*T*h tell me "gee you should travel cross country", and go see this gay kid because "he came out of the closet". Another kick in the face, as I'm not gay. Meanwhile, this perp has been in numerous lesbian sexual liaisons with others. Oh but she is good at denial, and I can see where she is doing what the rest of the clowns involved in this are doing: making me suffer for her weaknesses. Amazing how many times I've seen this: the perps and shills expect us to carry the burden of their troubled lives and their problems, instead of them fixing their own. I hate to admit it, but this has become THE idiom of merit of my gangstalking campaign: that I should take on any problems or quirks or life troubles of other gangstalking parasites, and live out their troubles, healing THEM instead of healing themselves.

I had this one "other" say stuff in a directed conversation: "She's REAL WEIRD. She has bugs in her hair, smells like weed, always scratching her head, etc." Interesting, because I can see how it relates to your situation (with you blogging about the lice), heaping insult in the process. Interesting how she couldn't tell you to your face instead of having the Directed Conversation(tm). I get a lot of deflating stuff told to me in Directed Conversations. I mean, really uncomfortable, deflating stuff, making me just want to go out and punch someone. Why just last afternoon, there was some idiot standing in his garage doing the insulting laughter thing again, real loud. I guess these clowns really need to announce to the world they really are the huge grotesque idiots we think we are. Except, it doesn't really matter, they need not feel ashamed, because everyone else is a perp, and goes along with this, so why feel shame in being a stupid idiot?

Mike C said...

Anonymous wrote: I had this one "other" say stuff in a directed conversation: "She's REAL WEIRD. She has bugs in her hair, smells like weed, always scratching her head, etc." Interesting, because I can see how it relates to your situation (with you blogging about the lice), heaping insult in the process. Interesting how she couldn't tell you to your face instead of having the Directed Conversation(tm). I get a lot of deflating stuff told to me in Directed Conversations. I mean, really uncomfortable, deflating stuff, making me just want to go out and punch someone. Why just last afternoon, there was some idiot standing in his garage doing the insulting laughter thing again, real loud. I guess these clowns really need to announce to the world they really are the huge grotesque idiots we think we are. Except, it doesn't really matter, they need not feel ashamed, because everyone else is a perp, and goes along with this, so why feel shame in being a stupid idiot?


* Yes the directed comments you comment on are most likely perps trying to elevate your anger, and get your adrenaline pumping too, well if we were living by different rules you would just use that adrenaline to protect yourself and phsically defeat the ones that antagonize us, but the system protects them from that kind of retaliation most of the time. In affect they are taunting cowards that only win because of the rules, deep down they know they would lose. Like a tiger being taunted, every human knows that without weapons and the iron bars that the tiger would rip them apart in a fair situation. We are stronger than the perps, they win only through fighting dirty in teams, not power of the individual. Actually, the more I think about it, one T.I is tens of thousands stronger than the perps, it takes that many of them to defeat just one T.I, and that is if they defeat them. The perps are jealous of us too, so they will amplify our faults, and imperfections so that they can convince you that it's better to be them, but the reallity is that you have the power, and are a better self than them, and after all is said and done, we the t.i's are the rare gems, the precious ones, even with the faults they always shove in our face to bring us anger, and saddness we still have the hearts of gold, we have what they want even if they may have all the earthly treasures, we still have what their greedy little shit hearts want, and they can't have it. Even if they torture us 'til our hearts stop, they still are part of the team, and achieved it not on their own, because they have less than us even if we do have some undesirable traits.

Mike C said...

To anonymous:All us T.I's really need to look into the harrassment before concluding it O/G. A guy laughing loud in his garage could possibly be another target laughing at the perps. Us targets have different ways of dealing with this, and sometimes it may even look as if we are the perps, by our reaction. Situations could be timed that they agravate someone to start yelling pissed off, or trigger them to express anger just as another target is coming by making it look like this guy is the perp. Or someone may have just walked by a woman mentioning slut, or whore, and when another target walks by she may treat him mean because her anger was worked on. Or they may have pissed off a guy, and he happen to unload on the woman while he walked by. With perps causing enrage, it can look like the target is the perp. Or the target may lose it and act like what appears to be a perp after having his anger pushed. Pulling our strings is the goal, so work it out before any assumptions, you may be being influenced to be doing just what they want.