What the hell is going on? I experienced this attempt at total obliteration of the Self and any independent thought while coming back from a short day trip, Albuquerque to Santa Fe and back again. Up to Santa Fe was OK but coming back on the train was the experience I am going to write about. It was a major beat down session and of course there was low level sexual stimulation all day, and that makes a person suggestible. Albuquerque has the best system I have encountered (for the perps) becuz it is very subtle, with just the right balance of harassment and stalking combined with handlers to get you to let your guard down. Not overbearing outwardly with Christian sentiment like TX for instance. The sexual stimulation is more tolerated by me here due to the fact it is non intrusive...another words I keep mistaking it for just my own body acting normally becuz there aren't commands or suggestions directly connected to the stimulation- the sexual stimulation is not harassing to me in my perception so I dont notice it. Whoever is doing this here in NM knows alot more about the nature of women or a woman like me than other places I have been. In other locations the sexual stimulation is so obviously part of the brainwashing and sexist beat down becuz its abusive. I block it or use counter measures. Its pure enslavement but here its just like someone is having sex with you sometimes so, well duh, I am not going to be offended. It is strange however.
But there is constant attempt to wear me down gently to get me to settle down or conform or calm down or not be vengeful..but its almost like someone knows a woman of my nature cannot be ordered around or the perp will get it worse. Fair enough.
I have experienced very dangerous levels of targeting with what seems like tech outside city limits twice now. On the way into Albuquerque, right past the illegal alien checkpoint, on the bus from El Paso TX I got hit so hard that I had to take a counter measure that would have only been effective against electro magnetics. I wont tell you what it was but it stopped it. If I had not taken this measure, it would have been worse. I felt like my body was in pain all over, that I was going crazy, I could feel being 'hit'. Its like nothing you ever want to experience and I have never felt it like that before. You actually shake. This was out in the open desert.
Now, on my way out of Santa Fe on Memorial Day, on the train I thought it would be OK as it seemed OK on my way in. After alot of mental activity (at this point I can describe it as a state that resembles almost the false or forced dream states that TIs experience, except awake. The subject(TI) is not so lucid that's all.) Then as we got into the desert it went full force into this state where I was slowly wiped of my Will, my self and my own mind or identity, by way of force. VERY forceful ideations eventually almost resulting in forced speech. Fortunately, I can curb that often for some reason.
It began by me going from these sad thoughts of 'is this all worth it? and do the public care about this research?'..that no one seems to be paying attention and the fact people dont care that DO seem to know what is happening to me made me wonder "what am I doing this for?" Perhaps humanity just needs to be left to the dogs. They dont seem to mind or care anything about this at all..
I kept questioning my motives and this work..just wondering if going on is worth it-which is strange indeed considering I am basically programmed to do this at this time in my life as a reaction to what is being done to me and the world. True it will end in a ritual suicide after the book, but that is due to what I have been put through, not my choice..its a matter of not wanting to live this way for life. In a way they have turned me into a suicide bomber and the Truth is the bomb- the book. THEY chose to do this..I just wanted to become a councilor and an artist.
Anyway, it went from that more lucid state to some sexual stimulation, then this blankness came over my mind. I think I was upset and weakened anyway, I started to get the idea that I should become like everyone else...that I should dress plain and reserved ( all the people on the train were dressed like that), then it was about my music..no more metal or anything with energy to it..I had to start listening to what everyone else listens to..conform. Whatever the industry put out that was new and pleasant..(non threatening and non sensual or charged with energy). Then it was again, about getting with a husband but now I would only be having sex it HE initiated it, and I actually had a vision of me with my knees touching..like the old saying "keep an aspirin between your knees".
And I felt this during this ordeal that my own mind was non existent, that I was being erased in a way. Then the final ideation along this line was that I would accept Jesus as my savior and all this stuff about Christianity. In my head I was actually forced, finally through TORTURE to say that I will accept Jesus as my savior and go to church. I almost actually mouthed it but like I said I can resist alot of attempts at forced speech..in order to get someone to speak forced speech you would have to take them pretty far through a torture session like this and that would be like the end result. Over and over again Jesus as savior.
ALL THIS WAS DONE BY HUMILIATION, SEXUAL STIMULATION (ABUSE IN THIS CASE), EMOTIONAL DESPAIR AND SADNESS/WEAKNESS-VULNERABILITY AND DEGRADATION.
Afterward I was more affected than I ever had been from harassment of any kind. It was all I could do to record what had happened, and go off to a hospital. They got me good this time.
Not very Christian is it? In my next post I will write my theories on this system and why it defies our normal perceptions of religious or spiritual beliefs etc.
IT WAS MORE AKIN TO MIND CONTROL AND TOTAL BRAINWASHING than any experience with any deity, Judeo-Christian or other wise. This is not something Christians would approve of..not true ones. This is something that a cult would approve of or a Christian right wing military or some other faction who wishes to dominate human beings hiding behind Christianity. Utilizing the religion as a front for Christianity-as-conformity. The death of the Spirit. Of the Artist. Of the Self. And of any Love one has for humanity, nature, or self. Any connection with anything outside oneself.
THIS IS WHY I STAY AWAY FROM LABELS AND PAY NO ATTENTION TO RELIGIOUS CONTENT. I have posted vids from bands who are obviously metal bands wearing Satanic Tshirts and I have hard rock and metal on my Youtube account. I have also used content from Christians and have some on my Youtube account as well. Why? becuz you cant trust religion right now as an indicator of a group you can trust. And I find it very strange that part of my harassment consists of HAVING to choose either Satanism or Christianity..but my free Will to continue to study other avenues is the thing that is crushed I notice. BECUZ ITS NOT ABOUT RELIGION OR BELIEF ITS ABOUT CRUSHING THE WILL OF HUMANS. I would NEVER let anyone get me so down from torture that I would bow to any decision made for me by some other faction..its totally bizarre. I cared little for either of these belief systems before this nonsense in 2003. I studied each not too deeply at certain points in my reading over the years.
Its like whoever is doing this is terrified of Hermetics, Zoroastrianism and Eastern religions.
This was probably one of the worst experiences to date. The spirit and the personality was totally void. You have never experienced anything like this in your life...total replacement by an outside intruding system that is fake. Like all there would be left is this shell.
The reason I am not afraid of disclosing something like this is that I just dont care anymore. No one is going to help targets anyway..what do I have to loose? Also no one is going to stop pedophiles or criminals. No one cares just like my mother told me. Good so it doesn't matter what I say.
Its better than being harassed and controlled all the time.
The other day at the Rescue Mission where we wait for rides to this other shelter, this kid said loudly at the other end of the sidewalk " They want to keep her on the run by harassing her..at least thats what they say". The big 'THEY' again. Annoying. That in itself is tactical and makes me think he is in on it opposed to some observer. Why else would he say that to me knowing I can hear him?
Beleive me I would give up if it were not for how obnoxious betrayal and sell out was..as well as disrespectfully sloppy. That is why its so important to make the target overwhelmed with people knowing and not caring if they are victims..like its ok. Minimize the abuse. As well as people continuing to abuse them and not stopping. Make the abuse seem normal. Like this is life.
Then the person will just forget eventually through being traumatized.
Then from there I cant imagine the horrors that await the TI that has given up fighting. A life not lived and potential wasted and destroyed are more painful than losing a fight while consciously holding ones sword. Surrendering and dealing with occupation..now that is embarrassing as well as life long pain. Better to be cut down where you stand and die on you own land.
Becuz one day this will all come out as human experimentation and totally feasible officially..it will of course be too late for Targets now. But that is always the way it happens, each and every horror in human history like this is always pulled off this way. The thing I dont understand is why humanity never learns and keeps allowing it to occur.
Like I said, is this work worth it? Maybe the public should be left to suffer. They certainly have left me to suffer and die. So what is the purpose of this work other than my obsession with people knowing the truth? Disclosure is great revenge only to a point. Its true they leave someone like me little choice.
I could let go my grip and just fall back and become everything they say I am in the slander campaigns (thus their campaign's purpose to cover for the effects of their extreme humiliation and torture) or I could just go quiet and conform-submit. Stop trying to live me life according to my own Will but how much humiliation can one person handle in a life time? That is wayy too much. To give up for a life time...for the rest of your life you are stuck with giving in. That is the decision you made..to stop fighting.
I am sure old and feeble persons like my mother have no trouble with this as the mind goes, the personality is destroyed and potential long robbed of the person. Then the base human animal will to have the body survive intact takes over and one decides to keep living on earth in this body due to pure instinct-long after the spirit is obliterated. Lets hope that there is more power in me than that foolishness.
A short life as an instigator, a rebel or a fighter is much better in comparison to a long life as a fool.