The more SD beats me down or wears me down with the homeless scenes lack of earea artists, students and activists and its stupidity the more the idea of me writing my story seems as if its either not going to happen or its not worth doing in the end. That the result wont matter becuz the world is very big with lots of people and many of them will not care or even know about what happened to me.
This is the ideation lately. You can tell its outside influence becuz its ever so mild suggestion. Of course it follows all the same pattern like only during the day up until about 4 or 5 pm when this city seems to go into a night mode where the vibe and my thought content is ltowards something more relaxed. Its like the suggestions stop at around 4 or 5 pm. And all remote influence stops at approx 1130 pm as I have been experiencing across the country for years. In a way life during the Bush administration was better for being targeted becuz it was painfully obvious one was being targeted and the effects would just stop dead at 11-1 am in any location usually at 12 midnight. The effects of course vary according to city, state and region.
Perhaps its more subtle for me now not just due to Obama being in office making being targeted not so violent and destructive, but due a TI gets worn down and whittled down to something smaller and very different compared to what we once were. I am no competely trained in making moves only based on prevention and cure of the effects of the gang stalking system and its totally internalized. I can never be the person I once was. I can trust people, cant be happy, cant love myself, be content or self confident like I once was.
These are obviously all intended to force the TI to conform to society's life script for an average person or very below average. Or at least that is the result of the system on a TI who fought behavior modification and this is the best the sryiystem can do. So in thier eyes at least if the person wont become transformed to what they want and forget totally what the system did to them, the person will at least be limited and be kept down for life.
There has always been suggestion here in SD concerning things such as the herd mentality, suggested to the TI and maybe even mass suggestion, that the world is a big place and like a fish in a school we are just one of many. To give up trying to be an individual or trying to succeed. To forget about one's self and 'join' society, become one with the hive, help others, realize your needs are not so important.
These feelings or suggestions all come from an external source. These are not thoughts that occur naturally or that come from internal reasoning or deduction.
I cannot recall the last time I truly thought for myself on my own. Much of my mind is gone as I have a blank slate it feels like often. I no longer really have an internal world. My imagination is shot. My ability to visual is gone, to imagine or to use imagination to solve problems or comfort myself. This is so similar to what was being done in the old MK Ultra experimentation-to make the person's mind into a blank slate and to regress them to a child like state.
Most likely this is years ahead of what the public knows about. It falls under the definition of psychosurgery for sure. I bet years from now they will publically come out with a treatment for some disorders (like labeling certain people schizo so as not to reveal whats really going on) by erasing the memory or the mind and building anew. This will most likely be marketed as healthy, harmless and good for society.
As of now there exists a system that believes it knows what is best for everyone. For some reason it believes that stunting my growth or modifying me is what is best for society.
When someone says something to you like "You know what its like Rachael- to be able to grow only very conditionally" or under certain conditions you know you are dealing with a project that is attempting to see what can become of a human being allowed to grow only under certain conditions.
The military has connnection with this. Many people think Michael Aquino had connection with this. You have video footage of him saying sh*t like "..what man can become". Satanists the military,the Nazi's human experimentation connected to MK Ultra and the radiation experiments. The Church of Satan's connection to all this as of Aquino's involvement but also Lavey's.
Its very hard to accept that MK Ultra did not end and the experimentation either is still continuing either under classification via a government body like the military etc or has gone into being overseen by a corporation either on its own or with military contracts. For all we know nowadays, legally, the military is a private entity.
I was in an overpriced army navy surplus in El Cahon. First of all why are they able to sell back the American public things that they already paid for? Also, at such high prices?
It occured to me what a business this was. That it is indeed a business and only continuing tohave wars is going to support that business. They had t-shirts marketing the companies who made things for the miltary, like a clothing line.
These are items meant for people to die in or kill in. Perhaps other functions as well but the end result. It was totally glorifying the military and seemed to miss the realities of death, wounding and psychological/emotional damage.
During my stay in SD I have encountered a culture that is very subtle in its social control as well as harassment. Winter was ok but after that it gets ugly. I really see the realities of living in San Diego. I have become very slowly worn down not only by the social environment but by something in this area that is a constant daily management system it seems not only of targeted individuals but of the masses in general.
I often wonder if this is the very reason I was guided to SD. However it could also be that I get some actual work done here on telling my story that I would never get done on the road or elsewhere. There is that encouragement here as well as that opportunity. However there is an opposing force that is extremely difficult to live with. The social environment is tiring for me as women's strength is little established or acknowledged in passing. Also, I am very accustomed to a collegiate environment and a strong presence of a medical community. If I am traveling I often gravitate towards the nearest college area or artistic community. Being in St Louis would have been impossible unless I was in Soulard which is just like the South End in Boston (not Southie).
In ABQ I would just go to the colleges everyday or dowtown.
There is no place to run to in SD. No place with a concentration of artists and the college area gives you the feeling that you dont belong. Lots of places in downtown SD make you feel that way.
And it strikes me as kind of odd that I should 'feel' and 'think' that way so regularly..and of course it all goes according to a schedule. 4 and 5 being a drop off time into relaxation and after the sun goes down bringing relief. At 11:30pm all thoughts and feelings/ideations that seem unatural cease.
Lately I have become quite worn down, easily aggitated and with very frequent ideations to leave and go back on the road to travel as the solution to all my problems. I also am extremely forgetful, seem mentally 'jammed' and cannot get out of a cycle that seems to keep me from focusing or even remembering very important things I have to do.
2 Hours later: while writing this I had an allergic reaction to some food or flora I was sitting in. Due to not being able to stop taking Benedryl for 5 days I cannot get allergy testing done to see exactly what I am allergic to (!). I was eating some bread I had never tried before just some food pantry stuff- regular white. The wheat I ate from there was fine the other day. It was a brand I was not familiar with and did not read the label. Also I had some spegetti sauce from a can..but my friend opened it with a rock (due to my p38 being damaged). I was sitting on the end of a sheet of ice plant. ANY of these things could have been the offender. Its interesting to think it might be some material on the rock. Could have been anything but it was as close to full blown anaphylaxis again as I'd ever want to get. Luckily I live on Benedryl and popped some more. I will do ANYTHING to not get that shot of adrenaline. ME? Full of adreneline? IN SD??!! that does not sound good.
But this tells me I definately need to stay off the road unless I am going to get tested somewhere. It also is interesting that something in my seems..subdued or supressed since these allergies were induced from taking that Bactrim. When I have a slight to strong allergic reaction with mild anaphylactic symptoms, something in me becomes alive again and I feel as I did before aquiring the condition. All these changes are at a cellular level, the allergist explained to me.