A piece on suicide on Anti-Psychiatry

http://www.antipsychiatry.org/suicide.htm

Its so hard to hold on..but I know I promised I wud write my story first. I will not leave this planet or this plane without telling you all about my life and what the system has done to me to alter my life. I so desperately need to leave that behind, just to know something remains.

I have to be honest and say that its obvious to me that this is the military behind this..if there is intelligence agency involvement they are either in co operation or have some sort of sector that has some pretty expensive toys. If this is true we now live in a psycho civilized reality where the military does what it wants and there seems no escape.

I know becuz of many of the reactions that I got from soldiers along the way. Not always Army but occasionally someone would come by me and the vibe was that they were terrified to death of what was being done to me. They looked scared shitless. Perhaps this is part of psychological warfare I dont know. Also I recall many times saying something and a reaction could be felt that was clearly someone doing thier job and not feeling too great about it. Perhaps that too is part of the psych warfare tactics. Once I was alone and was cleaning this floor in an apartment in the hostel lot in St Louis MO. I said "I wish I had a toothbrush cuz I would clean this military style" as my grandmother was in the Marines and taught spring cleaning in this manner. The second that came out of my mouth I felt this reaction from...someone. That is the most creepy part of all this, often one feels watched but its not by anything conventional. Its like a presence..there is nefinately someone on 'the other end' and its very close and intimate but there is no one else there. And one can feel the reactions of the other person on 'the other end'. Its like possesion or something but there is still a feel of technology being involved. There is definatelyh another person involved as I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD THAT KIND OF EMOTIONAL REACTION and also I was ALREADY EXPRESSING AN EMOTIONAL REACTION. One of missing my family's way of cleaning. The second reaction was from another person, a living human being and it was a male. It was someone who had a burst of emotion for a second, one of sympathy and simpatico as I out of nowhere expressed a connection to the military.

I have to also be honest...I have been investigating this whole subject matter since I was 18 not just after getting gang stalked. I just..got side tracked and forgot about it. I now see that the system or part of it has done everything in its power to sidetrack me. To get me into drugs or into other diversions.

There are crazier theories other than the ones we as TIs put forward. The things I put forth are difficult to map out but there is evidence or documentation. Its just surpressed with alot of work by the disinfo people.

There is something I dont talk about often though. It has only occured a few times. Its as if...what may be occuring is messing with time and space itself. Its very possible that experimentatoin with time has occured. It may be an extension of many cultures experimentation. The Nazi connection must be kept to what is documented but to be honest I havent really looked into it as much of what was around in the old days in books is not on the internet now. There were many books saying that one of the Nazi oddities was to sleep with magnets around thier bed frames. This would make sense against electro magnetics. I cant even find that on the internet now.

What I recall is the first books that got my attention in a library in Littleton MA. Jamea Watt's Critical Mass and The Philadelphia experiement. The latter is one of the staples of how far experimentation went without the public knowing about it. The alleged scene where a soldier gets caught in the ship when it was sent through time and he is fused with it half of his body showing only. The other book was perhingaps more horrifying as it was James Watt from the Dept of Energy proposing ships powered by I forget something noxious, that looked very much like what UFO sightings amount to. His proposals were refused due to concerns for the environment and cost. I always wondered if it was went ahead with anyway and they just cover thier asses with UFO or ET sightings.

I also have to say that my dreams have been interferrecd with for many years outside of recently but never so overtly, so constantly nor with so much gang stalking that was so overt or like blanket bombing.

I can tell the difference between what came from the trauma of my life inwardly and what was introduced from the outside. Much of interference happened when I was younger during the time I lived in Littleton which supposedly had some military influence near by...all I know is that whole area is a creepy little place and I cannot tell you the cause.

I feel at times that there are military personell that would like this book written not for an expose of my life but to reveal the abuses that occured especially during Bush. I also feel them to be far off...sometimes a portion of them either dead or..in some other time frame is the only way to describe it.

There is a faction of people, very much alive here on earth who do indeed gang stalk targeted persons and seem to take part in human experimentation without any human emotions like humanity or sympathy. This is the faction that confuses the TI the most. Never before has a civilian seen something so heartless especially without a declaration of war. Perhaps we were all supposed to take the war under Bush or the war on terror as an official declaration or an inferred one on the domestic population.

I have personally seen an older couple watching me in Kenmore Sq one recent summer standing near enough for me to catch what they are saying- "I dont think she can take it today" and they were right in that observation. But why should I have to take it on any given day? And why do they stop so if a target looks to damaged on that day to take anymore? Its like they want you fighting and healthy..in shape to be tortured. On any day that you dont look like you'll give off energy if tortured they will refrain from doing so. But how would you like to have people victimizing you to THAT extent or acting as if they owned your whole life as such? This is what makes the TIs life so hopeless is this kind of inhuman treatment...and no one believes you due to this supposedly being a free country.

As you can see there is more than just my selfishishness and vengence involved in why that book must be realized.
But the daily torture here in San Diego is insidious. Its subtle. Its like a fish bowl here, one feels very trapped into the city. Its a place of limitations. Its not Boston which has ones brain working over time and pleasantly so every day. This is the most pleasant UNpleasant place I have ever lived in. Part of it is my being accustomed to the snow and the dark which my body seems to miss if not something in my genes. I feel like a big lumox with nothing to fight through without the winter snow here. Upon it getting too hot and sunny I feel depressed. Having one's spirit reduced via torture like I have one is reduced to one's primitive state if not dependent on the very physical due to a lack of emotion or life or life energy.

Its become harder here than on the road and I cant pin down exactly why.

I promise that book will get finished before anything happens to me of my own hand. The system doesnt make any sense. Its alot of torture but when I start to take serious action it seems to cease and dissist. Its obvious to me its deprogramming just like in the old days but one isnt locked in a basement somewhere. But its the same- rape, abuse, isolation..an attempt to break down the person.

I believe its true what the piece says that most Americans dont truly believe in freedom of speech and individual rights. Its true.