noise again tonight -disappointment

It looks like I have to write those letters to Catholic Charities after all. After staff screwed up Toni came in personally this morning probably as a show of solidarity among staff. I really wasnt going to bother the staff that wronged me becuz unlike what I am getting from THEM I happen to not be petty.

Tonite was a shocker- I came out of the shower and it was quiet at 9 pm. TV was off by 9pm as well. Then the phone rang the way it did one other time they were trying to comply with the rules or had to due to pressure. That didnt last either.

So I actually started to unwind and got some of the first real rest in a long time like back when I first got here and Jane was on staff and Shelley was sick so Jane had everyone be quiet at 9pm and we couldnt even raise our voices to speaking level if we wanted to speak to Jane after 9pm. We had to whisper. THAT ended when Shelley got back. Jane joined right in with the noisy late night card games.

Well Venus left and now the other heavy set one who was the worst loudmouth here always dominating the space with her presence non stop. We have a few people here who do alot for the place to help out and they act like staff and obviously have been here too long.

After the phone call tonite the quiet ended with this one girl going up to the desk and having a conversation with Shelley. Both of them are now laughing making noise and carryihng on. Note that they STARTED this at 9:45. I filmed it and I am not going to apologize for that. I want everyone to see what I went through with corruption in these places. Its like they are pushing me to leave by playing these games with me or forcing me to file a grievance to do it through proper channels. I dont trust proper channels as I usually have that turned on me or used to turn the tables on me. The staff should not have to be told and if someone is working at this place it should be about US not them enjoying themselves. Also staff is quick to treat us like children when it comes to the rules but they do not follow their own rules and that is concerning our health and well being getting enough sleep.

Tonight Shelley had the audacity to say that the only complaint was that I have a hard time getting up in the morning. Now tell me that isnt quietly sadistic due to her knowing that the noise keeps me up and sometimes till 11:30 I dont sleep and then often the noise from the post office underneath us is as early as 3 am like Sunday night. It sounds very loud whatever they roll on the floor down there and it wakes some of us up.

Its interesting how they didnt start to make noise until after most of the women fell asleep and those on meds are going to be knocked out for sure. Its a good ploy if thats what this is becuz most of the women will not be disturbed by the noise at the desk now.

The girl in quextion is this tubby younger brunette who looks butch and I thought she was gay until I saw her kissing this skinny blonde kid who sleeps outside named Andrew. Hes a bit scary like all the outdoor kids but hes young enough to still seem cool. He's ICP and I have had alot of trouble with them as sneaky perps (but I always finally get an association of perp with ICP due to them NOT being stealth in some way). That little nightmare from Berkeley CA a few months ago- the 18 yr old that Austin was screwing....god she was a nightmare- she was ICP too. Worst brat I have met in years..cute though. Monkey really made my day when he told me about what was going on between those three. Revenge for screaming at him that he was a lazy hippie probably. Funny I just thought of him today...I got this impression he was thinking of me and he felt bad for some reason. Probably just my mind wondering. He's probably in Oregon somewhere happily messing with some hippie girl and minding his dog. The people around him used him a bit and I didnt like that and he tried to help me but he was too young and he sounded like he only knew the cover story- the drug and money laundering thing. He tried to make it sound like it was the FBI and why am I letting this destroy my life? Why dont I just ignore it like other people he has seen with the feds on thier ass for life. I wanted to tell him the truth, I wanted to ask if he knew anything about programming or non lethal weapons or technologies or the human radiation experiements so closely connected to MK Ultra through the Naval hospital and did he know that the CIA had files destroyed years ago so no one except the right kind of people in the know will ever truly know the scope of those projects. I wanted to ask him all of that...but I know its best to keep the lines of communication clear to not let in the uninitiated and if he is just bluffing then its best if I do as well.

I dont think letters are going to help this situation. One long time employee like Shelley is worth many of clients like me. All they have to do is give the bed away to another person. It would be different if the rules did not say that it has to be quiet after 9 and we didnt have to get up at 5:45 am due to being out on time for the post office. They dont even give you time to wake up in your bed, they expect you to jump up when "good morning" is called out and lights turned on. It really is very unfair and unecessary- we dont have to be out until 6:50 am and we only have one chore day a week. Most of the women are just sitting around waiting to leave...why not let us sleep instead of sit around. We spent alot of time here waiting around for staff and I think its on purpose. For staff to leave in the morning or for them to show up and open the gate at night. It bonds us with them and makes us dependent on them. That along with them being so strict with rules like we are children WHILE THEY DONT FOLLOW THE RULES creates an environment of intimidation and fosters dependency. It makes us very dependent on them. They control our time and that is a tactic.

If that is the way this place controls thier clients how is me writing letters going to help? I will try it just becuz I feel its abusive to me and the other clients and if I get fed up and leave or get asked to leave after finally breaking out of being controlled by loosing it (which I should not have to) then I want to know Idid the best thing for fellow homeless women as well as for myself and it will be on file and the internet the letters I wrote and this will help my book to illustrate how the system works. I suppose its only fair that I give them a chance with proper channels but the problem with that is it seems like they are trying to goad me into a trap. If staff readily and repeatedly disregards respect for clients in this manner and abuses authority regularly (its mild I know but its still the same problems as other places) then what makes me think that going through proper channels is going to be fair dealing? If they cant do right to begin with there is something wrong here. I told Toni about this and she is so much more concerned with power struggles or clients knowing thier place that she had to come to the meeting up here and say to no one imparticular that she does not want people to speak to her in person she wants a grievance written and she will mediate. Why was me speaking to her in person not enough? And why did she not tell me that when I did speak to her in person? All she said the fist time I went to her was that she did not want noise up here either and that is the night it got quiet with a phone call later on. Due to that lasting only one night I spoke to her a second time and she said, looking tired, that she would speak to the staff about it but it seemed like she couldnt control them.

Perhaps she cant control them and that is why she wants it in writing so she can do more if it isnt resolved.

It is now 10::50 pm and the tubby girl is gone from the desk and Shelley has gone to the bathroom and I have been denied my chance to fall asleep at a decent hour. I cannot believe they WAITED until quarter of 10 to start a conversation like that. Its like with the card games they were having, they would sometimes wait until 8:3on to get started. At least I got a bit of quiet tonight with no tv or card game. Its too much the radio on your left side and the tv or movie playing on the right then after the radio goes off at 9pm the socializing and card game is the remaining noise on the left hand side at the desk area with a movie going late at times. I have been guily of this myself and its due to everyone else staying up so I jsut started to stay up and not get to sleep ever since Shelley got back and I realized I wouldnt have the quiet I had when I first arrived.

Staff gets to go home to a bed and thier own space. All day long we deal with crazies at the day center or a very inhospitable city that is especially stigmatizing of the homeless and the poor. Downtown San Diego is rough on common people then we have to come here and have this noisy atmosphere for hours until its time to pass out.
I have reverted to just sitting at the computer and writing...I have gone into this shell and get little else done: partially due to how inconsistent staff has been with authrority and partially due to never having a moment of quiet or peace. I think many of these women like this perhaps as it helps them avoid the reality of their situation those are the ones you see enjoying thier time here. Others are as miserable as I am due to lack of consistency, lack of sleep and quiet. And do we HAVE to have the radio on right when we are woken up in the morning? Its always on the SAME r &b station and I am hearing the same songs over and over morning and night after morning and night. This has also put me into my shell due to it reminding me of brainwashing through repitition. And why cant we have some variation in content? R&B might be very unhealthy or triggering to those of us with issues of betrayal or loss. Its been painful for me at times.

The staff here want to help the ladies here but as a group of women in authority I think they are terrified of the reigns slipping out of thier hands.

Great I go from too much testosterone to too much estrogen. Well at least my period was easier due to being surrounded with other women. It was always a harder cycle when traveling on the road with truckers. Something to do with being around all men constantly and the stress of never being stationary. Why cant I find cool chicks to travel with or a decent place to be housed. Its like the kind of people I would get along iwth just dont exist anymore. I think what has happened over the past 10 years has made it very hard for people to be cool at all. Its soured alot of people or intimidated them into conforming to the misery or sheepishness.

I really should consider abandoning ship and I do not want to do that I know I would be miserable...but maybe getting gang stalked in a country where women are not always going to be held down from being who they are is a better option.

Its hopeless tonight. As long as Shelley has someone to talk to its going to be a bit noisy. There was one night a few days ago where the three of them were back there at like 12 midnight messsing around on the computer. Shelley just left and Katelin is here which means I might be able to get some rest.

Due to all this I have been very slow to get my things done. My allergic reacti0ns to food from taking that Bactrim and having anaphylactic shock are still present and I need to get to an allergist ASAP.

Katlin is moving some drawers around its making a bit of noise...you have to understand that if I become to much of a threat a true noise campaign could go unddrway not one of disregard from staff and carelessness with authority but something designed to get me out of here.

It may even be that perps have done another smear around me here and staff might believe anything. I know there have been a few instances where perps here in San Diego "Stay out of trouble" or "Be good" when saying goodbye to me. I asked this guy at this sunglasses stand what he meant by that and it seemed like he knew my situation or was told or shown something. Katelin did the same thing the other day before the light switch situation the other morning that has everyone so on guard (its so stupid I already forgot about it). I was odd the emotion she put into it "Be good Rachael". I have no life, my health is failing and I do nothing but write all day long or try to get things towards writing my book. I have done nothing but work harder than any one should have to except a pro athlete or a soldier for years now living mobile on the run and harassed in each place I go. Can you tell me why I even deserve a statement like that to be said to me? What are the cops or others telling these people or showing them that gives them this perception?

Are people that stupid and suceptible to the manipulation and control of information? Its incredible what you can do by just releasing selective information. Absolutely amazing. It is the worst psychological prison I have ever seen constructed and it seems to be done mostly with information when it comes to using the public to thier advantage to socially create that prison.

I know damn well that this system and the people who betrayed me ruined my life to the point where I will never be the same as well as have a shortened life span. I bet its all under the guise of some investigation or that I wont talk or testify so the system is giving me a beating. Gee pretty convenient all the other stuff that happened just as that was going on.

I have to write those letters becuz I know its not healthy for me to stay in an enviroment with authority being abused. What they might be trying to do if its conshus is to get me to accept that they system is corrupt and to live with it. I dont know but I might as well fight and lose the way I did with Olnick and the moldy apartment becuz at least after that kind of documentation and me going through that there is no question that I was in the right.

In the worst case scenerio they playing a very sick game of gaining my trust to just betray it soon after. This may be to train or condition me to give up on all whistleblowing.

I saw a woman a few days around the day shelter and it was said she was the Sister who ran the whole CC for the area. I got this look last time I was there coming in the door. As I met her eyes she looked down to some task she was working on like arranging a flower vase..but before she saw the strength and the pride of a woman who will never lose her composure and fights when she wakes up til she sleeps, she looked at me with a definate "I dont take you seriously" with a bit of 'who do you think you are?'. I am hoping to be fair that she just looks at clients that way and didnt know who she was looking at yet. You have to understand that there are not alot of Jews here, Italians or hardcore Irish like off the boat. These are intensely ethnic peoples where I come from and a strong body with a hard look tells who you are in Boston...which is why no one looks anyone in the eye unless its to make contact, ever so cautiously, with friend or foe.

And Katelin is usally very nice to have on staff. No one wakes us up as gentley and she just turned that annoying flourecent light off over the staff desk that the other two insist on leaving on until thier shift is over- what is it that important to see the person you are keeping people awake at night talking to? I like the staff here but they just need to realize that we are not children and most of all you cannot possibly treat people that oppressively while you break your own rules and deny them rest by doing so.

In other shelters it may be easier due to their being a sense of privacy and everyone keeps to thier own little space even though it may be noisy or sleeping on a floor. I hate to say this but I miss places like Joy Junction. Until they started leaving that light on all night it was nice to come in, crash on the floor, not be bothered by others and just go about your own business and no bonding occuring. Its hard to bond with people who you feel are playing little games to control you. I was also told that I should start signing up for chores becuz they watch who is doing that and add that to their assesment. I am NOT going to do that. I have been through so much here due to it being a very bonding kind of place and its unavoidable. Due to this people have hurt me here and there but I am getting healing out of it that I badly need...I am just losing the WIll I need to fight due to having to bond with corrupt authority abuse of power and staff treating us like moms all the time. These issues are not as big of a deal for other people but for a person who has suffered torture these issues affect them MORE than things that seem more traumatic to normal people and due to the way the long term torture conditions our system's it can have the affect of causing sleep deprivation.
You become very sensitized to corruption or authority or power and when fear of that sets in you keep one eye open and cat nap which then causes the light sleep. Due to my allergies and mold exposure changing the way my body reacts to medications I will never take psych meds or even sleeping pills as the mold especailly has made it so my body has upredictable reactions to medicines now and so man docs are ignorant or in denial of mycotoxicosis at all. There are many who understand what one is talking about right away but I do not have the time nor can I take the chances with the inconsistencies of the medical field in relation to mold exposure....look what happened when I did take that chance, when I was too tired to realize that hte AZ doc was giving me Bactrim after I TOLD HER I HAD LIVER DISEAS AND THAT I HAD GOTTEN SICK OFF THE MOLD IN THAT APARTMENT and that I seemed to return to a low level of 'mold sick' feeling when I had to take anti biotics. Now I cant take my vitamins or herbs or even an Advil when in pain or eat certain foods becuz of the reaction to Bactrim.

I have suffered the loss of my life to this level due to situations being beyond my control. I will not expose myself to that again. My survival instincts will take me out of here...I think they know that. It is the first place that I dont get gang stalked out in public unless I leave the downtown area.
Then I get harassed in the surrounding areas and harassed as I return to downtown as a sort of punishment for leaving downtown. THAT is very interesting, that I only get harassed downtown if I come back from going outside of it. Its very overt too. People mouthing 'whore' at stop lights and like that and its only if I leave downtown it never happens if I do not. Random? I think not.


And none of this matters. I know what they want they want me dead, prostituted or at least to not write an expose. You know where you can stick it.

Let me try to get some rest now.