Friday, February 19, 2010
More from the corrupt Boston scene
After years of having to sit around hearing Watertown and Newton NA cum all over themselves whenever these pricks made an appearance or took anyone anywhere in their limos its about time reality set the f*ck into place. I have always hated the scene that surrounded these pricks as my mother before me, and I am just as arrogant, defiant and unafraid to ignore this bullshit or say what I feel about it. NOW its personal as the guitarist gave my asshole ex work that put him on the map after he did a number of various things to help destroy me. I am sure as usual they are up on the latest in tech as they seem to have always been through the years and no one stays this famous for THIS long without some very scary, heavy allies. I cannoagine who backs these guys and I dont even want to know the kind of shit back from the 70's these idiots were into.
I know I have seen thier 'sponsor' at meetings and used to stare him down, as the first time he saw me he tried to get real personal and well, being programmed or whatever it my strength I put the scrawny old fucker down. You dont just STARE into my eyes....like a wolf I have always become very very offended by that sort of intrusion..especially from an inferior male of the species. If you do so, your DNA better knock me off my feet. That was when I was younger and not quite in touch with my new life in recovery or even civilize society for that matter. Later this total Yenta from hell, Sherri Lewis, says "Oh dont worry about that any more- he has a girlfriend now"...so THAT was the deal all along? Nice pass dude. I guess a Vietnam vet who is always talking about putting a gun to his own head is likely to be a bit shoddy in the ladies man dept.Hmph.
I was also told that I didnt 'worship at the throne' and kiss this guy's ass as a guru so therefore I was shunned or some sh*t. They just all struck me as very CULT minded and I was always trying to get out of that not into another trap. My attitude in NA after a certain point was "Is there an NA 2?" I wanted spiritual growth, not to do the steps over again. It had its limits and before the brain damage and harassment I grew VERY quickly by nature. Others I saw were satisfied with the cult of personality in NA and often lived off of thier old connections for status or clout...and many of them held onto thier old ways as well. Sicknesses that they should have grown out of. Just like back in school I was having trouble for being bored with people who did not seem to want to get ahead as much as me or move forward as fast as me or at all.
I never realized most of this crowd were complacent trust fund kids. Some of them were even on SSI or welfare and I couldn't understand why they did not seem like me in attitude. They seemed poor but never "angry" or scared...the old saying about poor people being scared and angry unsure of their future. It took much hinting from my sponsor who for the first years of my recovery was the mother I never had. She did one thing people never do for me- she told me the truth alot of the time and she also wouldnt put up with any crap from people trying to take advantage of me as a newcomer. She had balls so of course the crowd sort of rejected her as well as the men found her 'difficult'..hahahaha, good. I hope she is 'difficult' until they bury her in the ground of old age.
Everyone seemed to get accepted according to who thier family ties were. Someone that looked like a nobody truck driver, Mary would tell me not to say anything but he really comes from a very wealthy family, adopted. "He doesnt want anyone to know". She was trying to get me to understand the dynamics of this group, that the NA thing was bullshit and there was an outside Capitalistic society that meant more than fellowship ever could. In the beginning everyone was supportive and patient with me, but I had other issues and white suburban NA meetings are notorious for having a taboo about speaking of adult industry work. Blacks are much more accepting of the facts of life in our world, whites still have hang ups- especially townies. But I noted it all depended on WHO it was speaking. There were some girls STILL working who were accepted....I never understood the pecking order. It had to be simply that the TI thing made its way into NA and now looking back its surprising that anyone even talked to or helped me at all if the outside world has been so inhospitable.
There was no help for my other issues so I just got frustrated with the program and all its politics. Besides the people at the Newton meetings where just too much to take sometimes. One short blonde ( this scene loves short blondes-bitchy with little academic capacity. This is standard issue sexy to them I suppose) in a cowboy hat and boots used to love to get in front of me all the time and move as I moved so that I couldn't see the speaker. One time this asshole came into the meeting, shook hands with everyone in a round of people, then walked out. There was actually grapes and cheese crackers one morning. I think I made fun of it by saying all they needed were chaise lounges to complete thier attempts at appearing wealthy. Rich white trash would best describe this scene. And there was this little stage on which the Aero-sponsor would be the center of attention often and everyone would have to watch this little circle of people on this little stage. I used to call it a circle jerk due to more fawning over egos going on up there than recovery (principles before personalities were not a reality in this insular world..or so they tried to keep it that way).
What I hated about it was.....it reminded me of my childhood when my mother got married and tried to play house in the suburbs. These pathetic attempts at appearing classy or rich...I thought they were from rich families? They all reminded me of her and ever scene kid I used to deal with in my 20's: white, middle class to upper middle FROM THE SUBURBS and trying desperately to be worldly.
After growing up in the so many different environments as well as my eclectic family back round I just...I never understood middle class people. Not this kind anyway...and they ALL reminded me of my mother. This was the sort of thing where when one tries to understand the subject matter one's mind just goes blank. You try REALLY hard to 'get' these people and it just never comes. They dont make any sense at all. They were f*cked up but they didnt seem it and the had worldly acceptance and money but....I still dont get it.
The pecking order thing made me sick...I left. I met Jake, I hung onto as much of what I learned there to keep me out of serious trouble while he was f*cked up and due to my health not being as good as when I was young. I knew I couldn't party like that anymore and Jake was a light weight, until the very end anyway.
I wasnt happy in NA but out of it was just scary. This is why I wanted to start a counselling group or system for people coming out of a very mind controlled life style like the adult entertainment industry. I used to ask around and there was nothing not for anyone who wasn't a minor. I suspect it was the usual passive gang stalking, people just not doing thier jobs. There probably was programs or councilors but the point is to always keep the TI marginalized so that is most likely what was going on.
When sh*thead got busted twice in one month, summer of 2002 I think, I told him to get his ass into NA and go to a program as it looked better to the judge. He got a lawyer - his AA sponsor who was a former Marine from Newton. Then thats when things got weird for me, the harassment got bad I started to feel very shunned in NA. The acceptance I had before that was given back to me by my old crowd in NA was absent. There was this other crowd that Jake was being guided by...it seemed they were handling him. And many of them were people I came up in NA years before not dealing with or openly disliking due to thier irresponsibility to recovery or recovering people. He also started to move away from me. OK I had weird private eccentricities to deal with trauma but its not like I didnt go to therapists. It is pretty standard for therapists to NOT do thier jobs in regard to targeted people or mind control survivors who dont understand the scope of their situations. Also its nothing he didnt know about me anyway as well as he was pretty weird in private too. He also was no perfect boyfriend and me being more adult than most American women with the reality of males I just let him to as he pleased on tour and outside of my presence. Its the old way of doing things. Its none of my business what the man does outside of our relationship. We werent married or anything and he seemed to regard me as his number one interest. One time I came over and got pissed when he didnt clean up his bondage gear from a scene with another female, prob some groupy from a club who liked his drugs, his girth and his insatuiable appetites. I also disliked his 'panty drawer', where he kept all the underwear of his conquests. I didnt like it but it was funny as hell. All I asked was that I didn't want to know about it.
One time when he was hammered this girl got on the phone becuz he wanted me to tell her it was OK for him to f*ck other women. Again this could not have been more ridiculous, and I loved him for how sensible he was, how into getting his work done but then he would do these absurd things..this girl was upset and saying "Oh no honey, you're with the wrong guy!" He's in the back round calling her a b*tch..things he would NEVER have dared say to me outside of one of our fights and even then it took alot to get him pissed.
The one piece of DNA we didnt share was Roman..and at times his blonde ass simply did NOT understand how to deal a partially Mediterranean female. It eluded him, the hot headedness, the screaming at someone out the car window(thats Boston on any given day anyway), the temper. He also thought he liked blacks but had little experience with anyone from an inner city environment. His black friends were rich kids end of story. Anyway I should have listened to her......it never occurred to me that he would ever treat me like he did other women. He did worse...he slowly phased me out of his life, he strung me along all the while becoming very pious and condescending to me...then he cut me off in a phone call. Being through years of bs with my family and associates I handled this well..on the surface.
Then after being busted for drugs and his sponsor/lawyer getting him of due to knowing the Cambridge DA really well (someone told me this in NA) my life fell to sh*t and he started to get very successful very quickly. A few times over the years I tried to leave him or break with him but after Vegas I found myself seeking him out again and the few times I told him I was going through something I did not fully understand he did things to get me back with him like he did not want me to leave. It would have been better had I left especially as over the years he got through layers of..Me I suppose. He kept getting through until when he got clean and that was no longer a barrier in 2002 the last layer was there..I had an space to myself now and started to examine who I was. Being what I am however I just bit parts of programming that prevents the survivor or a therapist from healing the person. I started to feel I wanted to go back to the industry. This always would happen, without guidance and along with complacent therapists and the covert system of harassment to bring the asset back under control any self searching seems to end in a dead end and you just tell yourself that THAT is where you belong.
I felt our relationship had been over but...I dont know what happened. Maybe he had put up with me so long or maybe he was clean now and paying full attention to me, too much attention sometimes. I started to let him into areas that no other man had gotten into. I let down my guard in the final stage of acceptance of him. I went through what can only be described as a mourning period for my other persona. This might have been natural but he didnt get it as I didnt get it either what was happening to me and it only served to push him into the control of his sponsor and others in that crowd. I think he knew he could manipulate the situation to get others to blame me, feel bad for him or help him get ahead.
Also I felt this sense of responsibility..his mother was very controlling of her children. Even though his maternal grandfather from the Carolinas had converted to Protestantism the Jewish mother came out if her something fierce, ever since I met her she was like that. 'MY son' and all that.
Hi parents didnt care if he drugs out of the house or whatever as long as they didn't have to know about it. It was very dont ask dont tell. And the only time she seemed to care about what her son did was when she lost control of him, like when I left to go live in Vegas as I was losing my mind in Boston, or when he got busted or when he now wanted to come live with me at my apartment. Magically all of a sudden she dropped all support for him etc. It was emotional and economic blackmail of a jealous woman: spend too much time over there or live between both homes and you are outta here and I am pulling the money as well. That was the message. What they would always do is stop taking responsibility for the monster they created and then conveniently blame it on an outside force...like the girlfriend for instance.
I also felt bad for him now he had to stop touring. His family must have been pissing themselves becuz they always put him down for being in a band going nowhere..and now they probably felt he could be forced to conform and get his shit together. I had to sit around my apartment watching the man I loved for how he was slowly morph into someone I wasn't as familiar with. His muscles under his fat started to go as not lugging equipment in and out of gigs and worst of all his voice seemed to start to go a bit. It was one of the worst moments of my life having to watch him change.
Recovery is far to concerned with making people conform nowadays and often a true artist or the gentle spirit of the person is crushed in the process. The conform out of fear. This is kind of like deprogramming but no one in our society seems to realize it, care should be taken in how the person is handled after getting off drugs which is an altered state. The way society disregards human beings getting off drugs and treats it as a moral and psychiatric issue and not a medical/psychological one is absolutely outrageous in western society.
But the system is not stupid..to them its their chance to get one of thhose stragglers from high school who was too primitive/smart/psychic/talented-creative to finally give in to the western modern culture and mindset. If one looks at the original NA text known as The Blue Book one sees that the focus was on investigating oneself and spirit in recovery- healing. The new NA text, pushed by sponsors and the recovery industry is the Green and Gold text. I always hated it deep down as it is worded to not really make sense to an awakening spirit as well as the key thing we should all be wary of: 'you now have to become a RESPONSIBLE UPSTANDING CITIZEN'. That has no place in recovery...it belongs in a jail or reform school. Its a good suggestion but its bit heavy for someone just coming out of a medical nightmare. Do you realize what drugs DO to the human body and brain? They cure that nowadays with psych meds...then of course no one is struggling in NA like those of us who are anti med and we dont get what we need. My sponsor was wonderfully unpopular due to ther nasty anti med stance. In fact she was down right hysterical...people hated it and I loved every minute of it. NA now has all these special branches like Cocaine Anonymous or Pot Anonymous. AND those people come to the other meetings anyway. It was always suspect that they did not form an Optiates Anonymous or Herion Anonymous. Here is why: In NA there is a saying and in the text that "a drug is a drug" basically trying to make no division between drug users in meetings. Sensible due to the groups trying to bond evreyone as peers. So then why aer there specialy meetings for certain drugs? NA is full of these contradictions and inconsistencties but due to the NA overlords and gurus no one is supposed to notice. Thus the members happy themselves with a Capitalist ideal of 'happiness' or just leave it be...and start handing out phrases which basically resemble Nanny from Ireland telling everyone to "Give it up to God" Sorry not logical.
THIS is when a thing that is very promising starts to become a corrupt cult.
Its unrealistic becuz everyone can recall that out in the real world there were defineate divisions between drug users. How can you stop that all together in NA? ANd when you claim to have done so, you actually bring back those divisions you claim should not/do not exist by forming special branches BASED ON THE DRUG OF CHOICE. Now here is the reason: Mainstream society now accepts drug use and recovery. DUE TO THE NATURE OF DRUG USE BEING SPIRITUAL AND VERY PERSONAL almost a religious journey for some and definetaly DEALING WITH AN ALTERED STATE OF CONSHUSNESS the 'system' now needs to explain away these unbrainwashed minds and all the life experience gained while 'on drugs'. So the only way that recovery can be accepted into the mainstream, modern western civilization is to have psychiatry right there, waiting to take control of this newborn person.
And HERION ADDICTS ARE OPIUM USERS, traditionally opiate use has caused great works of art, religious like experience and a union with the god head. Very spiritual in nature.
Every drug user IS differnt.
For example every experienced drug user at least before being under the watchful eye of psychiatry and the system, knows that cocaine users tend to be more sunny in nature more extroverted. They havea an almost teenage or adolescenet way to them and often there is a love of thier fathers moreso than thier mothers or strong influence from a father engrained into their personalities.
Heroin addicts tend to be more like night time the old pagan definition of the feminine. There is some issue with thier mothers and its been documented that Heroin stimulates 'the mothering center' in the human brain thus the womb like experience.
Herion addicts also tend to in recovery be akin to the elders of the society. Like Thomas Jefferson: they say little in seriousness but when they do it is wise,defined and very grown up. It has weight. Also in a split within the group on some issue all the dope fiends usually group together on the same feeling about it, usually with younger ones looking for leadership from the old timers per junkie culture revering Keith Richards, William Burroughs or other herion gurus. The old timers have more wisdom end of story. And there is this dead silence this weight to our presence. It comes from befriending death, from seeking your own death in that next shot, from laughing at death or from showing no fear or emotion upon the death of a fellow junkie. Every heroin addict lives in a twilight on the edges of this world. We walk quietly with death as diferent from the coke users- twichy and nervous or shooting up having seizures seeking 'going out' due to some thrill they get before passing out and 'doing the fish' in a grand maul on the floor. junkies used to have a heavy respect thing..kind of like when you look at an undertaker or the guy that does funerals in the funeral home. That kind of reverence for death but a daily dealing with it. The realization of darkness, a true love of the dark cool feminne night. It also seems that dope fiends seek a union with a god head moreso than earthly love or affairs of the heart such as man woman romance. Someone robbed these peopl;e of something spiritual at some point and they seek healing not by a day in the brightest sun like coke users but to curl up in sleep in the cool darkness...close to something like Mother.
Every junkie knows this intuitively as in the Stones line "You got the Silver/You got the Gold/ You got my Heart/You got my Soul". Which is delegated to have more value? The soul. The thing that seeks the god head or god within. The heart and affairs of the heart are for the teenagers. I have had good cocaine once and I enjoyed it but it wasnt for me. It does indeed resemble a warm sunny day in a very gentle way. But I didnt like being forced to live with my ears as I am primarily visual with audient being a second. I couldnt see and I hated it. I had a friend who preffered cocaine and she lived her life on the telephone, could read people by the sound of thier voice, never wore her contacts and functioned that way- with her sense of hearing. There is a special glow that all light takes on with heroin and it may be the pinning of the pupil all I know is that its a very different drug and very different personalities take to it than take to pot or cocaine. Then there are subdivisions like people who will only snort coke but never smoke or shoot it. Crack heads are a creature I will never understand. I have only been in a room with the smoke and it makes me feel just brain dead. No thoughts at all. It is the worst introduction into the drug culture I have ever seen. Crack should be hunted down and banned everywhere.
Pot heads are yet a different creature. They also have this thing about not being heavy drug users and socially acceptable. The stigmas in drug use are totally baseless in logic or reality. Every drug is different and thier effects should be looked at realisticallly. Also thier ingredients as well. You have no idea of what you are getting illegally. I am surprised more people dont die sooner from crap being on the street. And I firmly believe that the system uses drug use and drug culture to keep smart, spiritual people down for good. The way that drugs are handled and well as recovery and the drug addict themselves is a dead giveaway to its use as social control.
Medical professionals are apt to take an drug users expertise more seriously than a psychiatrist or therapist ever would. Society seeks to totally discredit the drug user as well as disregard their experience. As an experienced drug user you KNOW what is crap and what is not. You have tasted the product on your gums so you dont OD or get given crap. You have turned this into a craft like the dealer who can hold a gram in his palm and tell if its the right weight. Its kind of like a bank teller that catches a fake bill when counting quickly by the 'feel' of the material being off. They count everyday for years they should know. Craft is something that modern society has no respect for but it seems to come naturally to some humans. The system seeks to take the intuitiveness, the sensuality of your experience away from you. If you go to a psychiatrist and they give you meds and you say "this is not going to work and why is this such garbage?" They disregard you having any experience at all with drugs as thier book knowledge is supposed to supplant your real life experience.
One of the purposes of all this is to not only sell you big pharma but to stigmatize you, shame you, humiliate you and other mind control tactics so that you will be primed for becoming that 'well rounded citizen' that the Green and Gold text pushes as the ideal 'new you'.
If society looked at WHY people take drugs they would have to admit to themselves that this society ignores abuses to children as well as spiritual concerns not addressed by religion. They would have to admit that a shallow money grubbing conformist culture does not mean quality of life. THAT is thier biggest fear. That addicts will get clean and become powerful or spiritual or somehow interfere with modern western culture. If you chose to partake in the rebellion that is required to USE drugs to begin with, as opposed to AA, NA is technically all criminals due to drugs being illegal in the USA, YOU WILL NOT BE EASILY CONTROLLED if you transform yourself into something spiritual. Also there are issues like programming and psychic abilities that they really dont want discovered or validated.
As recovery came more into the mainstream notice how psychiatry came running along. You dont know the stories I grew up with, of anti nuclear activists being harassed by covert warfare or the same people walking into a professors office and telling him to keep his subject matter to teaching and never put it into practice as then they would consider him a threat and he has been warned.
This society needs you to believe all the stuff you didnt beleive in school and if they have to misdirect you and beat you down for a lifetime they will. You see in school that all the great men are MEN, that they are the same MEN on the MONEY and the ones focused on are the ones on the money you will handle most- 1's up to 100 dollar bills. You question how only a few people shaped hundreds of years of history. You question why there are no female great artists or scientists. You wonder why its all about Babylon, ancient Egypt, then some Europe with a few Newtons and Leanardo's as the Jesus's and Elvis's of history. Then of course the forefathers. You are made to feel small, you are told that other people are greater than you. That you as an American can become president but they do everything to make you feel that Jimi Hendrix, George Washington, Jesus and God cant be outdone. All men of course.
America may seem to have grown up or become more sophisticated, education is better now than it was in my day.
Do not be so naive as to think that the old heirchy system beaten into the people's minds if not for a fear of burning at the stake will ever be given up by those in the castle on the hill: The King, The Noble, The Serf, The Peasant.
Only those of us with no exposure to thousands of years of oppression need to be beaten down so badly as we think in terms of tribe or small family groups and percieve authority as a round table affair not steps of heirarchy. Native Americans, African Americans, certain eastern Europeans who were too strong and primitrive to be conquered or enslaved. Certain cultures also are dangerous to the established order via thier traditional rebellion against being enslaved: the Germanic, the Nordic and the Celtic.
I have seen active oppression of all of these cultures by the established order in the event of a serious breech of thier control. The other danger is any culture from the classical ancient world who I notice the modern empire has activelty throughtou history soulght seek perception as less than almost third world cultures like Italy or Egypt or Persia. If you notice organized religoin into those regions has just that desired effect. All the greatness of the ancient history books is gone through a re invention as if that is history and not connected to the modern people of those countries. Bullsh*t.
My point is that NA was started out as basically a group outside the system. It seems the sysetm has hijacked it as a form of social control to preserve the status quo.
Back to my vengence I suppose. Its too bad that the one who gave him the great gigs isnt the one in rehab. Someone actually tried to intimate just once that it was their management that was the nasty part of the scene and they stressed to me that they were anti drug. As if that whole attempted set up with Jake blaming me for everything or his guitarist friends girlfriend working at CVS and half my script of sedatives disappearing.
Seems whoever is interested in programmed assets or MK Ultra is more nasty than the arrogant pricks who tried to get Jake absolved by intimation, rumour, smear and/or a sloppy set up. Or could it be that our friend at Illuminati News is correct when he claims that many factions of the music industry are aware and knowledgable of said assets and helps the system in any way they can against such people...in order to get reward like everyone else.
Either way I will always wonder how someone living in his mother's attic with promoters hanging up on him saying "I cant help your band" gets the world handed to him on a silver platter after the simple act of getting clean when I had my ass handed to me both times I tried such a thing.
I'll stick with what a woman said to me in Port Huron MI years ago. "He got a job with Aer*smit? Forget it, he helped someone."
I think I knew that already.
I dont know what pissed Boston and the whole system off more, me not dropping dead, me retaining my intelligence or me ignoring the little shits due to the monsters involved in gang stalking being scarier than any cop, any fed, any gangster or supposed powerful individual or group. The devil doesnt have any new disguises, but he has many. The fact that he continues to elude people is his greatest trick to date.
And what I love most is the continued ignorance of people from a Judeo-Christian society. If you look closely you will see man is good and evil. Its of the human Will. Its the black square next to the white. Dark and light. The 'Devil' may just be ones greatest protector or of assistance depending on the task. Then again it may be time to do battle with such forces. Its relative.
Grow up. The USA activiely waters down any true power of evil in media as if the people ever knew such power especially seeing it within them from the strength of the primitive human or from our european ancestors this country would cease to be able to be controlled by its handlers.
I just wonder how many celebs themselves are targeted.
I am so glad I am not in Boston and dont have to hear the crying over this. Oops nature calls. Time to go drop a tear for Aer*smith.