Found someone I like very much. Of course the first few weeks of being given love energy is healing from the torture, the betrayal and the road. Then something happens. This rebellion against love is normal for RA survivors and if the love object is somehow interfering with something that is in the internal progamming as a mission or task to be completed, very nasty and authoritarian 'alters' will come out and basically let you and everyone else know that there is NO WAY that anyone is going to interfere with what has to be done, what ever the 'mission' is.
This may be normal but on top of that now we have a situation with the survivor being a Targeted Individual. This means that they are basically a victim of torture. The reaction is now in some ways more managable than before when the survivor was young and perhaps did not understand why he/she reacted the way. If one has survived to the point I have then you understand at least why you are targeted and have most likely read alot about RA or programming, cult mind control and understand the way the gang stalking system works. This may give you more insight into your actions than when you were younger.
It still does not help make the original reactions go away nor does it stop the PTSD or repetitive memories of what was done to you go away. I think that is what is causing suicide in many a returning soldier as well as Targeted Individuals who go through psychological warfare as well as other horrors.
The person I wanted to be with is very nice and also...well he is from the back woods of Florida and I have a weakness for southern hicks I guess. So gentlemanly yet so natural about sex. Its not this dirty forbidden subject as up north among Catholics. For many southerners sex is as healthy as drinkin or huntin and I agree completely.
But I probably made the mistake of getting involved with someone who is younger and has very different priorities. This one is very into being responsible but his future lies with getting his kids back and having a future in So Cal. I dislike So Cal enough to only want to reside here a few months a year, not year round. The earthquake thing is really just too much for me to deal with.
I was lonely and needed basically protection from being harassed. As usual the price is just too high as its usually someone who is either very selfish and wants you to tag along with them as they get thier own stuff done or someone who is more than happy to allow another to spend thier money on them- which wouldnt be a problem if I had more money.
There is something special about this one. You meet them sometimes, these soulmates. I dont think there is such thing as the one soulmate, thats just bullsh*t. For all I know its a DNA thing or he's RA as well...who knows anymore the explainations for people who seem to be 'our kind'. You just recognize them thats all.
And besides I dont know how long the Christian thing would have lasted. One side of me liked his altruistic attitude and wanting to help people..but the other side of me-his outlook on life really was going to get in the way of me being vengeful and that side will not allow interference. AT ALL. None. It would've driven him away eventually anyway to get him out of the way. He has the biggest eyes, like pools to look into of blue. You could lose yer sense of Self there..and that is for people who are tired of fighting. Who forget the big battle that exists ever present outside of this reality. I just cant do it. I cant.
And his friend taggin along with us has kinda changed the dynamics He just cant seperate from this old friend of his and now its about me feeling like I am a sidekick to thier hanging out.
Since my break from my life in 2005 or so, really it started in 2003, I dont know what else to do off the road. Like I wouldnt even be able to be housed ever anyway. No life can exist for me until this issue is resolved, until the account is settled. I am not going to torture another person in my life due to the fact that I am either fighting to stay alive or I am not settled until there is an account, no matter how unbelievable, of what ruined my life, my health and my future. That break in time has to be fixed.
So I am leaving very quickly again with little money. He has such an attractive nature, so easy to get along with that I keep trying to leave and keep falling back into him.
He is a caring person, we basically get along.
But once again my standards as well as my task at hand is what I live for...or die for more realistically.
I HAVE to get out of San Diego ASAP. I am feeling so suicidal by this situation, how attached I am to this man and finally finding some friendly people. But I know I cannot die until I write that story about how things got this bad and how I became this messed up. I promised myself I would do that before I go and it would all be in vain if I offed myself before then.
I feel so bad today, I know if I dont get out of here I may end up found at the squat with a bullet in my head. Its that damn bad. Its really bad actually.
This thing keeps bugging the shit out of me also like everyday. 'go to the southwest and then go back to Boston to attend UMASS' are the ideations. Even visions of the southwest especially ABQ New Mexico. I havent gone becuz i like this guy and also I will just get harassed there anyway. I know if I leave what will happen to me.
There is also a leaning to leave the country and go to Europe eventually.
It wont leave me alone long enough to have a life here anyway....so I need to leave. Something also keeps telling me that he is not the one and that he deserves someone better, someone more in like with his plans etc.
Its true that I cant sort my health issues out here due to it being a never ending pollen season in So Cal and I cant stop taking Benadryl long enough to get allergy tested. Its impossible to get anything done in downtown San Diego. You can feel the dumb down and the jamming effects cease when you get out of downtown like Chila Vista. It especially improves the closer one gets to the border of the USA (as usual). Definatley downtown.
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