In 1996 I became clean and sober. I had been working with a woman and a few other people who were involved in the adult entertainment industry. At this point I was urged by my mother to move into her parents house with her. I should have been in another structured program as changing behaviors one is conditioned to express takes re conditioning. This is what the 12 step programs refer to a 'a new way of life'.
I moved in and people in early recovery have lost
alot of the personality that was formed while 'on drugs'. Often they are taken advantage of easily as they are like newborn babies. My abusive controlling family was exploitative and it seemed my mother just wanted me there to act as a buffer between her and her abusive father...the scapegoat role that exists in abusive families.
I was stubborn and went to 2 meetings a day in order to make sure their negativity didn't get to me.
During this time I finally started to realize how sick our family really was, along with some info I had obtained years ago from my fathers family. There was
alot of regression and denial. There was
alot of focus on me instead of on the dynamics between the three of them that were true measures of their relationship. I had some eccentric habits but they were actually coping skills as well as things that would preserve my separateness from the dynamics of the family.
What has always been suspicious to me is the meanness, ill treatment and negligence by therapists and such. I was always stonewalled, handled and really at the core not sympathized with. If I wanted to convert my creative abilities from coping skills to outwardly producing work as an artist this was the early stages of attempting that...later I would realize that it is par for the course to hide the abuse that goes on to people working in or with the adult industries by denying them the ability to grow up and understand themselves. The people I had worked with were connected to some powerful people and dealt with mostly wealthy men of some influence. Yet, the way the business was run reminded one more of a cheap fast food drive through opposed to something really big time. Also I was never forgiven I think for leaving the fold and always trying to get clean. I wasn't treated very well hereafter by my old associates.
At this point I was trying to stay away from them. There is no re conditioning programs like 12 step for this or I wasn't told about it.
I got a job at a convenience store that was owned in
Waltham, MA by a man who paid us under the table and owned 2 stores I would later find out that neither was registered legally with the city..ever.
He seemed pretty friendly with cops and a man who I did not know who he was named Malone..who was really mean to me because at 26 just waking up I had no idea who he was. I don't know who the treasurer is ..unless he was a client MY DEAR and I
don't care how many streets your family is named after. The people I grew up with would have thought I was cute because I didn't know who he was. Years later the local people from
Watertown and
Waltham would casually say something about how great a guy he was for being silent about some corruption with lottery business..but it was this attitude like he was their scapegoat and they just thought that this is how convenient their lives should all be. That others should go down for people all the time and take the rap..so much for the adoration of a rotten public. He should read
Machiavelli's the Prince..the part about how the public should never be trusted due to the fact that all men's hearts are indeed black. I couldn't agree more.
This man who owned this store I found out later recorded every one's conversations on the phone and through the cameras in the store. I got bored one day and after reading an article where some rock and roll trust fund brat, who used to make fun of the real addicts in the scene, got a write up in the Phoenix about him shooting dope for like 6 months and all of a sudden he has all this to say about recovery and his 'addiction'. So I called my old associate to dish on this..she was still someone I figured one could talk to socially. Had for years anyway. I just didn't think it was a big deal, and nor did I know about this
jerk's recording system until another employee told me later.
Right after a small cordial conversation of hello and goodbye with no content that was incriminating at all, the store owner starts to accuse me of still being involved in the adult industry and starts pushing me all the time to take rides from him or go home with him, especially during the time his wife is away. The poor woman was NOT attractive and gained all the less sympathy by being a mean bitch to women who worked there. Go take it out on the predatory lech honey, not me.
He accused me of using the job as a cover even though I worked 50 hours a week and my family had me mowing the lawn and doing house chores (of course my mother did none). Later I would realize that I was life long gang stalked and that the
perps were the ones I would hear referring to me as 'Cinderella' in passing in public places..like almost right to my face. I just didn't get it then.
I was working and trying to deal with all that goes with being clean..by nature I am a strong workhorse type and people take advantage of me being able to take on way too much pressure and work. Emotionally-that is the part no one sees in
TI's and
tbmc survivors..that we are dealing with that too internally.
So this jerk kept pressuring me and I kept saying no. He seemed to enjoy harassing women and having them fight back. Idiot. Then
alot of the men in the store got involved, and it felt like an unsafe environment.
ALot of the patrons were from Polaroid where two of my relatives by marriage worked. I can imagine what was said from one of them to his buddies about my life style which of course they think its
ok then because I have no support and family members OK the abuse or exploitation. This is one of the main reasons I am targeted heavily even now. People perceive they will not get into trouble because the woman has no one protecting her. So they think.
Then I started getting harassed at my grandparents home which I did not appreciate. It was a bunch of local kids stopping in a car under my window saying "Yer some kinda whore baby" and then lots of frequent drive
bys from the same cars..a yellow corvette figured prominently driven by a woman. The thing about this is that this is not the first time that I had encountered this insult. It happened a few years earlier in Quincy but I was walking with someone who hung out with all sorts of..uh, colorful women anyway. The most disturbing example is when I was just a little girl at summer camp...these two local girls who were much older cornered me and were really mean just sitting there intimidating me by calling me that word and asking me if I knew what that word meant and even though I didn't '
thats what you are anyway'..I have seen gang stalkers who are children and I don't doubt that they harass other children who are targeted throughout life.
But also what started to occur were tactics like people stopping by the house outside and taking notes during the day near the kitchen window and at night stopped so they can look into my bedroom window. Real classic gang stalking. My mother said that they were most likely insurance detectives due to her current lawsuit ongoing.
What was strange is that my grandparents both laughed at the claim that people were taking notes occasionally in front of the house..they seemed to laugh and make fun of the claim in a very arrrogant and dismissing manner. How can one family member accept the existence of the action and one deny it as unreal? This would be a recurring theme between these two and it always let me know that something was wrong.
I also started to get cars going by that beeped twice. This became connected to the harassment that included insults about morality as aforementioned. This would continue anywhere in MA that I had a phone under my name or a lease. It would become clear to me too late I think that it figures very prominently as classical conditioning and is the most important part of hooking into my sex drive and turning it against me in order to control me thru shame and humiliation. This would only work along with other things in the gs formula but the beeping twice as an indication that many people thought I was a sex object to be subjegated or harassed would work like multiple rapes and it took about 9 years of it along with full blown gs for it to work.
And in favor of the gang stalkers is the disinfo that they could put out was that so and so lived in that house and she was whatever...even if I was doing something else. The public could be conned perhaps to partake based on the community policing con opposed to classical conditioning a target for other purposes.
After being targeted by overt tactics and such, I started to have panic attacks and wound up in the hospital with what I thought was a heart attack. I was told it was a panic attack and that I should get into the mental health system and see a psych for medication. I now see, and have heard from another alleged TI, that this is one of the ways to get a target into the mental health system and if anywhere along the way they do not behave or for whatever reason then they can be easily labeled. Its so obvious now that this is due to technologies or even the introduction of chemicals to the environment, as has been overtly done since 2003. I cant say for sure but from what I have read it sounds more like tech.
ALOT of targets say that things started happening in 1996.
And here is what else was happening for
alot of us the following applies to: I didn't connect it then but do now. In 1995 my mother claimed that she had to drop out of a class action lawsuit involving the dept of energy and the radiation human experiments that went on during MK Ultra. My mother had done research over the years and found that some health ailments were common to survivors like her. She had been a baby when my grandparents both Marines, brought her to Bethesda Maryland Naval Hospital..the notorious MK Ultra Hospital with its awful history of suicides and murders connected to these projects. She received radium and radiation. She claims she was followed and thus dropped her part in the suit.
This saddened me as I saw her try to figure how this was part of her life for many years as well as go
thru tragedies...she would also get what I consider gang stalking in a condo she purchased in
Dracut MA.
She would be forced to sell and move back in with her mother again. The
perps deserve whatever is coming. That is for sure.
What puzzles me to this day is why she never connected my harassment to the same projects..being a target there is so much there. There is much I don't know.
Perhaps as she stated on day, she got 'tired of fighting' and turned. She was older than me when this came to pass.
Then came other strange events like a leak across the street that resulted in me having bronchitis overnight..my lungs had been damaged. Another NA person told me that I wasn't wrong and showed me an article on the line break. There were fire engines all over the place late at night. My family did not blink one eye to this which I cant figure if it was purposeful maliciousness (in on it) or if that is just the nature of people who live in denial. I think that they cant deal with anymore stress perhaps. Strange.
And there was anger towards my family before this..some a-hole who ran a chemical plant nearby had green stuff coming up out of the ground and my grandmother who was born in that damn house her father build with his own hands decided to take action. Yes, a whistle blower. She had to sign a gag order and she claims he threatened her life...uh, don't let me find this guy. By the way this is all second hand
heresay and no names were provided nor documentation..but f*
cker, u know who you are. Threatening little old ladies..for shame bastard, for shame. What a winner.
So
Waltham years ago had become a tech center due to Rt.128 industry, but also it has become a
cess pool of chemical pollution due to chemical companies. Not a healthy environment to begin with.
So dealing with all the pressures newly clean with no guidance, which is what I would have had in a program, I did my best but had no direction for the future..but still I was growing as a person.
My mother had not changed her abusive ways and I learned
thru NA that I was separate from her and the family BS and did not have to take peoples crap anymore which is in part why people use. "Old people places and things"..that includes family not just old using friends. I got out the chair and the whip and made my mother learn that she could not threaten to 'slap the bitch' if she didn't get her way. With all her new found legal talk from multiple lawsuits it was amazing how no one ELSE seemed to ever have any rights. I would use the same legal logic she used to defend herself against her to defend myself and she hated it. She was the typical tyrant..this is not her doing but that is the way it is. All my efforts to break free from this family were seen as threats to her identity. I know now that it is all to avoid all her own memories. She would cry to my grandmother that she was losing her daughter
becuz I
wouldn't take her crap anymore. I just kept on track and was making lots of friends in NA.
In my 12 step groups I didn't really have
alot of peers that shared my experiences that were my own age. They were all older people I could relate to. I don't know why more people my age weren't getting clean then..they all seemed to come in in trickles and later on. There were some kids my age but they seemed more straight...I don't know. But this program became my world. It is part of who I am today.
Still I was getting disillusioned with program after a point..I saw people who had been around for years still
acting like jerks and it was all personalities NOT principles. If certain people had bad behaviors they would say things like that person was just another addict trying to get better. It
didn't wash.
Still in NA there was the attitude that newcomers get
alot of 'slack'..especially pretty 26 year old newcomers who look 20 I am sure. This program I would discover started out with the blue book that is more spiritual and then as this gave way to what is called the green and gold book it is more socially reforming and less
spiritual evolution and co existing like AA. I can see from a mile away that AA is based on a Masonic system and in its perfect form it exists, in a state of grace, as the structure should always preserve. NA altered it so badly that the original 'formula' lost all its magic..also there is the criminal element as an inherent part of NA. You
don't have to do anything illegal to buy a drink.
And I did not realize that so many trust fund kids from wealthy families were in these meetings. It would be a problem later.
The convenience job was too much, harassment was rampant. I quite on in Nov of 96. My family members would bitch about me leaving that it was right down the street. I ignored this as I knew that my family rarely saw things realistically due to being stuck in denial..or conditioning.
I had it with being sexually harassed and therapy
didn't go fast enough..I went right back to my old associates
because its all I knew I could depend on and it has
alot to do with men harassing you to begin with. I believe now that all sex workers are victim witnesses and always will be tracked by a system that seeks to keep them down or put them back to work even if they want to heal and grow.
They would not be victims if the system saw them as free agents of power...some of us are never allowed personal power and one must ask why.
I
wasn't treated too well as 'she' had a man re enter her life that is from a gold digging family and she had to start cutting corners to impress this man and keep him this time. She just turned on everyone that did not
support this new
endeavor and in order to break in, he made sure he undermined my
competency at every turn. They made a great team of terrors and they deserve each other.
Alot of my old associates showed signs of being targeted as well.
At some point I started having very bad pain and went in for surgery(which I
shouldn't have) and found I had
intersticial cystitis. The bladder is always red and inflamed and an attack or irritation is the most painful thing I have ever encountered in my life. I changed my diet and started taking
Elmiron-a blood thinner with the side effect of coating the bladder.
Later I would realize that when I moved to another state this condition would always disappear or be very managable. The doc was a professor from India who went right into research soon after. To this day I have my
suspicions concerning the after affects from that surgery..I had
endometriosis and they also did another scope to see if there was anything there.
Therapists
weren't doing
their jobs as usual. I had one that actually answered everything I asked with "Well, what do
YOU think?". I felt so...stuck and struggling. NA was a comfort. The stalking and harassment sort of stopped when I started dating this guy in NA. A stalker himself but older now so sort of harmless. He supposedly was a leg breaker years ago.
I got into a job I loved at a video store. I went on assistance which I hated
because I always prided myself on staying pretty much off the system no matter what I had to do
because I had been on it as a kid and this was a chance to be around wealth and learn what I needed to move up in society. But the guy I was dating said "You are having health problems and you are having panic attacks so get on assistance". I hated this..it was so damn weak. But I figured it was only temporary and someone mentioned you could go to school for free in MA and that is what sold me. I had always wanted to go to college.
Docs were trying every pill on me..like a guinea pig. All of them had side effects that went from unpleasant to dangerous.
Remeron made me feel like I was watching the world from far away and
Celexa made the sidewalk go sideways..or dizzy or something. With all my surgeries, all the drug taking and whatever else was going on I think its insane to put people on drugs who are trying to come off of them. Besides the perfect cure for
PTSD is opiates and anxiety and depression and the pain of
endo and if you take enough you stop
menstruating anyway. These drugs were shit and they had no basis in nature. Psych docs do not take a patients prior drug taking history into account...like we
don't know something about drugs. We
wouldn't be alive if we did not. Again you must be 'fixed'. I didnt want to take anything as I recall..maybe they got me on kilonopin. I will have to look it up.
I ended up feeling very stupid and going to day programs with all these 'slow' people. Interesting as I see it now, I believe this is the beginning of the system regressing me to a child like state. certainly me moving in with my original abusive family was severely damaging. After years of gaining a sense of identity as an adult it was all lost here in this house. The keys to my emotional centers that my family members had were dangerous and I did not see this. New friends and old tried to warn me to 'get out of that toxic house'. I was so new to functioning differently and like I said there was no 12 step for leaving the adult entertainment industry. Years later I would start thinking this was a good idea to start one...
that's when I got slammed along with everything else in 2004 or so. What is the system afraid of?
So I started to go downhill and I now see it was from being with my family and growing the wrong way in recovery due to
their presence in my life. They did not seem grateful for my doing house chores and when my grandfather became sick with his 3rd heart attack my mother was asked to start helping around the house. She immediately started working late in order to move out sooner.
I tried to leave the video store and go to an office job, I think NA was making me
alot more...socialized but in a bad way. I somehow got it into my head that I was office material and that I needed to 'grow up'. I guess at the video store and other places I was encountering
alot of what I would call 'straight people'.
This is an expression from the 70's drug culture I grew up with and it means that they not only
don't get high they are
unimaginative, uptight and not to be trusted. There is wisdom in that
because I never felt comfortable around 'the straights'..the 'day people'. They had little experience with the way the world worked and seemed
constantly caught in this dissatisfaction about life..but they seemed
dissatisfied on like 100 different levels all at once and
alot of it one could 'scan' or read that it was uncouncouse to them. This signals danger to me. It means they cant be trusted, its means they are unhappy and dont know it-they are dangerous types who are so stupid about knowing their dark sides that they will inevitabvley act out from those depths and try to cover for thier actions. People who have never investigated or are unfamiliar with themselves are confusing and uncomfortable to be around.
They seemed so disatissfied but wouldnt do anything to change that in life. Back in my day as a party person in the 90's there were things that you could expect a doper to do. Like steal from you if you nodded off but that was about it. And you knew the rules. Pretty much feed an opiate addict thier drug and they are prettty happy in general. A little money in thier pockets, a pack of cigarettes and a little drink. And if you found a good house to hang in, where there were old school users pretty much they would keep the idiots out-people who would cause trouble, werent clean or healthy or OD alot or other innapropriate annoyances. Uncool junkies. This made an environment where you got your business done and then went on with your life. But you never have to be harmed emotionally by anything really.
When you get clean not only is your endorphin system trying to get going again, you need time to get back to natural rythms. You have been medicated and the business of getting your daily medicine is strenous, tiring and a full time job. But some people are so in pain and traumatized that its worth it all. At least until you are older and stronger from years of life experience. With my backround I would have been dead had I not self medicated at least until 25 years old. You start to really grow up at this age.
I now realize that druggies are living something primitive that cannot be gotten in our society otherwise. A magical sort of tribalism where everyone is comfortably bonded. That is why in the homeless scene the druggies dont bother me. I know they are harmless (except for the ones who live to do crime as well). The straight people could not be trusted. They would and still do all kinds of things that are intrusive and unacceptable to nightworlders. I also think that people who are night owls tend to like the peace and quite of a world less populated and the darkness that night provides..things are more peaceful and people are happier. Even people who work night shift hours are in general more tolerable to me.
It was very hard for me to understand these new creatures stuck in thier little suburban nightmares, judging everyone from thier unhappy lives.
And working in an office was an example of why I dont belong in places like that. The flouresent lights made me feel weird and it was summer so I found myself instinctively wanting to go outside all the time. It was boring. People were mean to me or they were yukky and unglamourous. The kind of people who hide from life's spotlight in office jobs. I just didnt get it at all. It was a temp agency and I found that a number of the jobs I got had some gang stalking going on. I eventually became really miserable and hopeless.
No one was telling me which way to go and I see now that I should have been among my own kind in a program or among creative people but I hadnt grown that far yet.
I had in 1997 or early 98 gotten a tax return so that I could leave. My mother had left or she wasnt helping I forget, but my grandfather had heart surgery and my grand mother was distruaght. I thought my mother was very selfish for this, so I looked at the situation and decided to stay on to help out. This ended up later with my grandmother telling me that I should have left instead and that my mother originally told her I would only be there for a week in 96 when I moved in. She totally did not appreciate all the work I had done around that house and to sacrifice my happiness to protect her. My weakness for protecting women has been my downfall many times. This may be the actions of a masculine side to me what people call an alter. I do see women as just helpless creatures sometimes even though I am in this body.
I still did not understand that my family was so dysfunctional that it was hopeless to ever gain clear perspective on life and self living there or even in contact with them.
Through the years I had to tolerate such nonsense as this: my grandmother kept on about a night light in my bedroom. Now my mother pays the same rent as me and has a bigger room that was carpeted while mine had this old flooring with splinters. It hadnt been papered but I did art on the walls like cave walls (naturally) and didnt want it papered. I am a way better artist than some repetitive pattern thank you very much. Her room had an ac and cable and a phone. I know she payed for the extras like cable and phone but I was living in this little room with only a stereo and a tv with rabbit ears and doing alot of chores around the house and working on my feet 50 hours a week.
It was this night light that went off when it was light anyway. The harassment over this was ridiculous. I called the electric company, got a reading of how much it cost to leave on for 8 hours a day for 30 days. The elecric company said it was .25 cents. I told her this and dropped a quarter on the table and said "Here's your money". She replied that the electric company lies about these things. She was very satisfied that she had some sort of control still.
Often my mother and her mother would do a two against one. My mother if we were left alone she would play head games and I didnt even really see it. It was like overt targeting and abuse. She would change her whole demeanor and tone when my grandparents walked in the door.
One time everyone sat down and had a meeting where the focus was my anger. (now we see the fruition of my mothers efforts to get me in there to begin with. If you antagonize someone enough, they will defend themselves or react to pressure. Then you can use this scapegoat to divert attention by focusing on them). The best part of this was when my grandfather piped up and interjected that I didnt return to him for another backrub and my grandmother and mother had to scold him becuz this was just too obviously manipulative and abusive..I dont think that they cared about that I think that they didnt like the fact that it was so obvious that it screwed up any success at a guilt trip to terrorize and control me with. (by the way, it was simply that I was had back pain from a crummy mattress and and sat one time with my grandmother while he rubbed a knot out. But shortly I did sense it was weird and so didnt return. My grandfather never did anything to me personally that was abusive. One time when I was a kid I think I may have been in danger going to a place that was closed he had keys to at like 1 am. My sense of danger did go off, so out of nowhere came this side to me or alter that is very bold and grown up and I asked him where the hell he thought he was taking me at this hour and called him old man disrepectfully. He seemed to wake up out of a trance-like state and he then altered our destination to an all night coffee shop where he hung his head for a while. I felt bad for him. This part of my make up is the same that now fights when others would have given in. I have no idea who or what it is but it will not take crap and it comes out not under my control.
One note of interest that requires further research is that pedophiles are programmed or switch personalities--thus him seeming in a trance. This may be why they are incurable be regular methods of therapy.)
I dated someone from NA during this time. He was ok but not up to par..at least I could say I tried red heads right? Not for me. But he was somewhat supportive but he also wanted to start sharing deeply with me and with all I was going thru I had to distance him from me. He was always a bit to controlling and he jsut wasnt manly man material to have any right to lord over me. Funny, entertaining bastard though..funny as hell.
I also gained a sponsor who was supportive. She was older and I think with how much damage my mother was doing this woman provided a surrogate female figure..someone to set a good example to aspire to not a bad one.
When I was tending to my grandfather during his recovery from surgery once, just babysitting him really, he said something interesting. My grandmother and mother were discussing once in another room having all the grandchildrens personal info. It was thier habit to hide money under the grandchildrens names as it was clained by them that this was legal due to their being minors. I didnt worry about this becuz I was too old for that (so I thought). Nana made sure that she said firmly and rather with a sigh that they did not have my infomation-this was incorrect. My mother for years insisted on keeping my birth certificate and ss card, probably in case I needed copies.
My grandfather blurted out that they keep money under the grandchildrens names....2,000 dollars here and 4,000 there.
This is so typically southern, to be careless and casual about the families money affiars where as Yankees have a way of not disclosing these matters even to other family members. I noted this in other people with southerners married into thier Yankee families.
I never trusted my family concerning money. At 18 when I won a lawsuit along with my mother for a car accident she asked me for some of it to pay for her house in RI with my stepfather..when I told her no she said I was being petty. This is a very desperate woman who has always treated me in the exploitative manner that her father treated her.
Later this would become of great concern becuz I would poke a bit at my grandmother and become pretty convinced that there was a large amount of money being hidden under my name and this may be why during the federal investigation of those around me in later I may have been held as suspect-like I did indeed know more than I really did.
You have to understand the nature of very sick manipulative families..its not just child abuse, they were actively involved in crime years ago. This is the very sort of family that would not produce someone who was merely crazy or delusional, but rather have a hand in trying to discredit the person by making such claims about them.
An example would be upon the gang stalking going 24/7 in 2003. After a few years of this a federal bust came up around some friends of my old associates. My mother kept claiming it was most likely becuz they thought I knew more than I really did and it would pass once they realized I didnt really know anything. My sponsor also claimed this. The reason I ran to two mother figures I trusted was becuz police were involved in the harassment and I was a single female living alone with the Irish pub across the street pissed at me cuz I wanted them to turn down the decibels sometimes and also there were alot of home invasions with my gang stalking..so I was afraid if I was assaulted and especially with the potential people involved as perpetrators. Yes, I am saying I ran to my mom. But in my case my mom was always my sole protector so this is like other people running to thier dad I guess. Anyway, after she went thru validating me through the years of me living in this place I said I was going to write a book. A college education now somehow gave her the idea she was smarter than me in the arts so she sat there and preached about how a book could be very powerful if written in the right way. I just sat there thinking 'now she is a an expert on writing now'..then she ended with "You can write a book but no one is going to believe you". That told me one thing-that I should definetly write a book then. Anyone who says that is hiding something..and its typical of abusive controlling groups and people-that no one is going to believe you.
Other things happened during that 3 year period living in my family's home. Something was also happening in NA. I now think it was being infultrated by some outside group..either what we refer to as 'gang stalkers' or people in on the investigation that was going to happen years later.
A man showed up who says he was from Frmingham out that way west of Watertown, that he used to be a milloinare but he for some reason preferred to go to meetings out here. Hmmm. He was a very tall imposing man. He immediately put himself on the board of trustees and secured a position. My sponsor and I ..nearly every female in those meetings who had any self respect at all did not like this man. You could tell he was either into seeing working girls or more likely a child molester..something where he had to have crushing manipulative control. We dubbed him 'hugger Mark' becuz he was always forcing you to hug him using his size and intimidations. Those of us who were well felt yukky afterwords so came to dislike him. Women who came from abusive fathers and still fell for that idea, fell right into this mans control games. He immediately started targeting me, my sponsor and any other female who denied him control. My sponsor used to kid that she thought he was DEA.
Over time he revealed that he knew of my mother from her job as a bar tender in the 1970's in Boston. This trust fund idiot Eric tried to start picking on my mothers image as a bar party girl and talking about girls on Qualuudes and such without knowing who she was and Mark just said real serious "No, she wasnt like that. She was 6'1". There werent many men who werent intimidated by her." Eric shut his mouth.
In a meeting one day when I was with the controlling freako boyfriend, Mark decided to start messing with me becuz a person was telling her story which included the adult entertainment industry. He started mouthing to me across the room 'Thats what you used to do'. I looked to the guy I was with for some protection becuz you figure he is the kind to be threatened by this sort of predator..and he said that he didnt interfere in things like that. Well dude, if you are so concerned with what I wear and where I go and who is at my house and such then you should provide protection as well. You are now outta here. You cant have both.
There was a guy in NA in those Watertown meetings named John. He seemed to be harassed by everyone in the meetings. Especially the local guru who tried to flirt with me once by doing something like a cross between a mind control tactic and pulling little girls pig tails in school and I tried to scare the shit out of him for years. You could tell he hated women with such an abusers passion. Not the one...sorry. The attempt at mind control triggerd such a reaction from my programming that he was lucky that I was in recovery and rendered 'spiritual' at that time. I even recall being set up to perp this guy! It was a learning experience in gang stalking now I see thats what it was. They told me that he was thsi guy that hits on all the girls...so of course where I am at in life I start flirting with him or at least paying attention in that way. He then starts recipricating and then I act like he is bothering me and he gets shot down by the guru and friends ( a friend refered to this crowd as 'the wild ones' due to thier wanna be biker gang look) Technically I WAS THE ONE WHO INITIATED CONTACT..I gave this guy a signal...based on..you guessed it. The SUGGESTION of others. Welcome to mind control and psychological warfare. They used me as a pawn in thier little game with this guy.
This man seemed frazzled and out of synch. I now know that this can be from long term organized stalking/harassment. He had what seemed one friend in the meeting. The rumor was that he had gotten caught having rough sex with a police officer's spouse. I saw him in a truck, stopped at an intersection. He seemed...worn out. Worn down. He was trying to tell me about that crowd in the meeting. I sensed that even though I was afraid of him due to rumours and his stressed appearance that he wasnt exactly what they were portraying him as..after he died I never forgot that moment and took it as a warning. Later it was said that he went to jail for something small and hung himself in his cell. Uh..ok.
No one in that meeting cared or even mentioned it. His one friend mentioned him in his checking in with the group and one got the feeling that he was at that moment seen as a sentimental fool for his words.
To be honest early on in recovery I got treated well if not spoiled by alot of people in NA. Its when you grow up and start questioning the system, when you say 'what else is there?' that its obvious yer not cute anymore.
So I was waking up and growing up all while being targeted and gang stalked but it was very different than when it exploded and went 24/7 in 2003. There were now really overt tactics being used or overt things being done to me but they were specific and infrequent. Also no one was coming up to me and telling me things about my life in detail that they should not know. It seems that is saved for when the target is completey abandoned by thier support systems and isolated by the gang stalking system.
One thing that was done to me alot in public at this time was that people were taking pictures of me. I used to enjoy my newfound freedom being clean and I would go all over the place especially to get the hell away from my family. I would hop on the bus and go to Cambridge etc. And I enjoyed walking everywhere. When you are partying you really dont go anywhere alot..unless you have friends that do or you are loaded. Getting loaded is 'going places' I guess when you are young and trying to survive. It is an alternate consousness technically speaking.
I would get flashes out of cars and saw a woman put her camera down on her seat. This happens now but I just ignore it, but its more intimidating when the harassment goes 24/7 becuz its more obvious its to harass not just for a possible investigation.
In 1998 I finally moved out. The gang stalking was to a point where it was more overt if I say had a phone in my name or if I had signed a lease showing I was living there. I now see that if I was somewhere that there should have been no way for anyone to tell on paper I was staying there, I did not get any obvious harassments but I now see that I still got gang stalked by the system using other classic methods. One of the dead giveaways that your a TI is that people pretty much treat you as they please all the time and in a way they would never dare act towards others. LOTS of people.
