if ever i was in doubt if my work is important I know now that it is

 I needed to be here today in this specific location. All I wanted to do is get some quick breakfast before going  to get dressed. 

Had to stay inside location last night because it was going to rain very early in the morning around 4:00 a.m.. I asked people on the trains if it rains so I wouldn't feel ffoolish having stayed sort of environment last night unnecessarily. I have to pack another backpack and a whole set of gear differently than I do for urban camping. 

I'm trying to drink just coffee in the morning and make that a meal and then eat a big meal in the middle of the day and nothing at night. Maybe breakfast food at night. I can't get down from 185 lbs and I do a lot of stress eating there's no need to have a big meal at night. The stress eating is a lot better now that I'm on my oown. 

So my cold brew is smaller now. And just some hard boiled eggs and a sausage biscuit will do. And then I can have a bigger meal at 2:00 and then eat hardly nothing for the rest of the day. 

I'm trying very hard to stay on top of things and take care of my health. The liptospirosis that I ccaught wasn't treated intravenously I was only given antibiotics I had to fight for them I could hardly get them and I'm having residual effects from that like depression and hopelessness. Plus the environment out here is a lot different than it was in 2016 the last time I was on my own. . 

I've been in doubt especially the last few days my motivations been ddeclining. In doubt about all that I'm doing and if it's worth it and the world is so big now with so many people and an ocean of people on the internet on One Small voice what do I matter. And my mother's voice in my head as well as the sentiment of every doubter long ago she said to me in the very beginning of this you can write a book but no one's going to believe you. I forgiven her for this as she's old now and she's a victim herself, however having invested in a 9-year relationship hoping that it would save me or protect me and give me something of meaning in old age, and being in menopause having gray hair it's all made me feel a displaced and out of sync with the timeline especially the one that I was in that I had predicted with last for me until my dying days. 

I was on my way to go get dressed and decided that I would have the breakfast that I chose and I decided to sit down in a place I used to know many years ago when there was a punk rock club upstairs and a friendly heavy set guy named Chet used to come to all the parties in the early nineties. Asked about him he sent passed on but there's a movie about him which I'm going to check out. 

I sat down and realized that my sausage biscuit with soggy and didn't smell right before I went to get up to get another one at the store one block away. 

All these first responders showed up like many many of them. Enough of them so that you know it's not something small that it's something much bigger going oon. 

Couldn't get enough internet right there where I was sitting in the North end in order to use my police scanner so I couldn't tell what was going on. 

If you witnesses that were there in the building and in the office when it happened said that they were there and a man came in and stabbed an employee and stabbed himself. A little while later as police were lleaving had taped off the area as a crime scene you could hear one of them say it's now under homicide case, so somebody must have died. 

One interesting thing that the Spanish girl had said with her friend is how she didn't understand that the other employee in the office was not reacting or doing anything while the poor person was getting stabbed she said they were screaming loud enough and everybody could hear it. She could not understand why the person in the office didn't do something as it's clear that their co-worker was being attacked. Well we can chalk it up to sometimes people freeze under pressure. Even though we want to idealize the soldier it's documented and I've heard from veterans that some people just freeze up some people piss their pants and some people go hhide from noise and things that can kill you. That's why people get purple hearts and awards and stripes not because they're especially brave because they didn't run away and they actually ran into action successfully completed a mission of some kind and then got out alive. DNA upbringing and luck I would say. 

So we don't know why she was doing nothing. Then again there could be something more sinister at wwork. Seems to be a growing problem in the last many years since 9/11.

Being around this today and having this just behind me where I was eating, made me realize that my work is actually important and I have to keep going. That I haven't gone through all this just to give up and abondon my work or what I believe is important.

I had begun to prioritize other things due to the influence of people and a bad environment lately on my own

 Well that stops today as of this incident that happened right behind where I was eating. It was a strange man in the dunkin' donuts  because I had gotten coffee I believe after I had gone to the convenience store to get my breakfast. And he was in the convenience store with me and seem to be following me and then he followed me into dunkin' donuts and was standing beside me in my personal space with just this feeling of iintimidation the same way he had done in the convenience store. 

When he was standing next to me and Dunkin donuts I got tired of it and I pushed out all of my Will and basically you stood strong and tall and dug my toes in which is my nature and I'm really good at it and refuse to budge or be intimidated. The person had this weird look on their eyes like glazed or there was a freaking alien or something just odd. Once I pushed my will out and once I was very calm which is very easy and menopause ladies very very calm. And sturdy. It's easy to deflect things sometimes and sometimes it's not. Take care of your health you should be strong. 

So this immense power that I have now to stay calm really seem to make things a lot easier in the whole entire store and the person just seemed to get tired of doing whatever he was trying to do and he just walked away with this weird looking his eyes. 

And right at that moment strangely enough during this whole entire a little episode of mine when I went to the convenience store then to Dunkin donuts with this weird guy following me I kept feeling this pressure on me. Pressure pressure pressure. And I kept feeling this strange ideation. This feeling tthat was going to be picked up today. Picked up by police for something like in 2016 during the frame up. I felt very threatened and I felt very full of fear and fear became the feeling that I felt along with this pressure that kept pushing. 

And this guy just kept following me into stores. I felt this pressure and this horrible ideation that I was going to be picked up by police today. 

Right after he left the dunkin' donuts pressure remained. The ideation remained. 

Then as the stabbing occurred the pperson leaned out the window calling for help, as first responders arrived in large numbers... The ideation and this pressure subsided immediately. 

Talking to one of the officers I was told that something like this happened at South station just yesterday. I will have to look this up. before I spoke to this younger officer I was joking with an older officer. Sometimes it's nice to touch someone from the world that we knew before where Boston was Boston. I miss it so. The other day there was a tall white man who looked like he was from the old school days working on the platform at the MBTA. He shouted out in a deep rough voice the people needed to get inside the train and get off the platform and stop blocking things. His Swift authority as well as people's immediate reaction to it made me feel safe. Old Boston wasn't perfect and a lot of these people were responsible for a lot of bad things but at least we were safe and we knew who the authority was and that we could trust them to keep us safe. Nothing anywhere seems safe anymore and there's no pillars in the structure. Some young 20-year-old somewhere probably said to themselves that that's toxic masculinity or white supremacy thus is the foolish brainwashing of the last 10 years. 

Also complained that they found a dead body in North station but I made it clear to him that that's probably not the same thing as a violent action he said yes it's an overdose but I think he was just overloaded he was young and it seemed like he was more of this progressive policing type person cuz he was the guy that was talking to the public. And when I spoke with him he didn't have a policeman's wall I call iit.  He didn't have that training that experience and that compartmentalization that hard wall that you slam into when you try to be friendly with cops no matter how friendly they are and how much they talk you know that they're keeping mental discipline because that's their job. If they didn't keep things secret and private we wouldn't be safe. 

So I sat down to finish my food realized I had forgotten to go get another replacement for mmy sausage biscuit went over did so and came back and sat down and ate. 

Estranged tall man arrived in black with sunglasses on. Very intimidating but also very capable of blending in and also of looking like a policeman which is very brilliant because there's nothing but policeman around. He was being annoying and I'll get into that at some point later-maybe. Maybe I'll post a video I have maybe I won't maybe I'll wait till I write my book I don't know. He was being really annoying and it was really over and if there's news cameras there which there were I will laugh my ass off if he's on a news camera doing this dumb shit on camera. he came over and talked to the cop for a minute walked away I was getting up to film the scene some mmore and someone and said do you have me on your camera a joke and said no I'm filming him instead the guy in black with the sunglasses is who I was referring to. Because might as well make a joke out of it he was inappropriate for someone to say that to me anyway it's a public space. As I said that to make a joke out of the whole thing and to make people more comfortable which I try to do, the man in Black reacted very extreme. Or simply making a joke  because he reacted that way I actually did start to film him. He made me feel very unsafe when you started saying things like you're crazy you belong in a mental hospital.  For filming when there's an incident? 

And making a joke? 

On the video you can clearly  hear me saying that the guy that just went in and stabbed somebody and stabbed himself belongs in the institution not me. 

One person in authority said that he was a cop then later on said he wasn't I wanted it to be clear because I don't want to be filming or posting anything with police because we all know what happened in 2016 when I did tthat. I will bring it to internal affairs instead and keep it private. because this way then there is no material online for them to use to frame you and say that you had means and motive and opportunity. 

Going through legal channels in the proper system instead. 

So I asked a cop who seemed much calmer and he seemed to be on the up and up and he looked at my video and he said no that is not a cop that's a ccivilian. So it made me feel a little better. 

I know one thing from being there today: there's definitely questions that need to be answered. 

And I know one other thing: the number one thing 

Nothing can get in the way of my work nothing is more important than my work and it's what I should focus on and nobody should be convincing me that they are more important or that my personal life is more important. 

Id be curious to see is that strange man in the gray outfit suit but almost like an 80s members only jacket but a modern version of iit with gray pants be interesting to see if he is the suspect that entered the building and did that. What a horrible thought I had that it might have been that same strange man. 

I'm going to do research and find out. 

What interests me most in my work, in my writing and this blog is what I was experiencing and feeling right before the act of violence committed just one building over by another person. 

I wonder if they were experiencing intense pressure on them. If there were strange people around making them feel intimidated. If there was horrible thoughts or feelings that caused fear may have made them it may have pushed them into a violent action. 

It's too much coincidence. 

This is why the internet activism is so important. This is why it's so important to have awareness especially among those people that are feeling as if they might be working with the targeted individual theory. Perhaps people can resist when there is something making them feel as if to take an aaction. 

I mean I didn't feel as if I was taking a violent action or anything I just felt like there were factors collectively that were all capturing me to feel mortally afraid which is not me by the way I don't feel afraid inside very eeasily.  If I do I have a way of containing it 

So anybody out there who reads this blog who's in this northeast area before warned. The game is getting harder. 

And I didn't write this post until later on on purpose. Why would I need to be salted like that about belonging in a mental institution when I'm just filming an incident for filming a person I didn't mention anything with strange to warrant that reaction. 

I'm in the cops on my video and I told him exactly the same thing that the guy that was in there stabbing people is the one that belongs on a mental institution he couldn't agree more. 

I think all of these strange people at the scene that I experienced should be taken into consideration just like the incident itself and the conditions that I felt in the area in the environment around me before the incident. 

Regardless of the details of this I know now that I cannot stop what I'm doing for anybody. Even if the whole world thinks i'm an old lady and I should quit

I also want to mention that in the newspaper there was an article that they had some kind of secret meeting in one of the governing bodies in some form somewhere about a secret meeting about violence downtown. Well violence downtown wouldn't be violent downtown and crime wouldn't be all that much downtown if officers were present and if people would aactually engage and fix things and tell people not to do things or to be present or to enforce the laws and no one's doing that. Kind of like this immigration thing people are pissed off about ice but that's what happens when the last administration lets people flood in here that's why we have laws in order. When you don't have laws in order and do things properly whether it's a bunch of geese or a bunch of people it's unhealthy for that population of animal. And eventually there's going to be retaliation or need to manage the numbers of that people or animal. Being over generous and over-tolerant actually hurts that group of people or animals. This is why we laws in order to do things a certain way.