had to leave my new situation/ a sad break in Oregon

As often happens people are  very different out on the road than at home.  My road dog turned out to be a total drunk at home. I got attached to his kid which was the worst of it as I am sure today he has to tell the kid I left.

I stormed out last night. I realized that the situation was not conducive to getting anything done.  Another person  who is going to take advantage of me being alone and him having a support system..even though that support system is a bunch of 22 year olds basically most of which are apathetic/angry kids.  I have found this new culture interesting but most of its members are far too young to understand all that life is about even with thier life experience, which of course is why a 32 year old drunk can be supported by such a culture.

I think that was upsetting as well.  They claim to be anarchists- they claim to be rebelling against the system. Here I am at 38 being forced into this new lifestyle by a system of covert oppression as well as a lifetime of it. When I left as well as when I stayed there I saw signs that the way I had become after years of torture, the way I dealt with crisis etc was not respected.
 I am trying to go against some of the most truly corrupt parts of our system in this country while they seem to focus on shock value and bad attitudes and being in part supported by the system itself.

Becuz of the age gap I didnt really understand this scene and was attracted to its permissiveness and rebelliousness and creativity.  I was comfortable with their aggression being from a northeast city in the USA.
But they never seemed to be really tackling the systems problems and there was a certain amount of apathy I did not understand. Becuz of thier age group being cool is just soooo important and often they have alot of life experience and lack wisdom or understanding about other things that life may bring.

I met someone last night who is the same age and miraculously the conversation turned out to be just what I needed. He hated the scene. He was angry for me being even intrigued by it.
He told me that there are many in his generation who are doing more by bringing thier value system to labor than by avoiding the system. That nowadays you can go against the establishment via the work you do not avoiding work altogether. He told me of many of his friends and impressive ways they are fighting major companies and systems.
I was  impressed and also regained some of the confidence taken from me by the gang stalking system.  Becuz this is exactly the kind of life I was formulating for myself when I was shoe horned out of my apartment and my life by harassment and stalking and corruption. 

It seems I was on the right track all along. And I have always known that but as you know being a TI and isolated the system will try to make you truly buy into the idea that you are not only ineffective but mistaken or stupid. 
Seeing this I just wonder if, outside of the reasons people like me get targeted specifically, could it be for major social control as in making sure you control as many true dissidents as possible especially before they formulate and execute a plan?   

This morning I recalled how my dad used to take abandoned apartments in Cambridge and wire up the electric and all the utilities back in the late 60's early 70s. Now I think about it technically my parents were 'squatters' before they had me.  I always wanted to sort of forget about that but now I realize this is probably why I find them interesting.  Thier scene is too streamlined and about fashion sometimes  but young people will do this with an ideal of 'tribe'. I suppose that is what they have turned it into is something tribal.

 this guy is another total manipulator who brought me home to a chaotic situation and then made me feel bad for him, that he needed help after whining about his situation constantly.
He had asked to go to a punk show in some park in Portland OR yesterday and left me with his kid all day and all night. This had become a pattern. Drinking was the priority in his life I found and through manipulation he got me into the position of caretaker and babysitter..but then to WHINE about it to your 18-22 year old friends when I show signs of insecurity by being just a bit worried..alot??!!! Look what the fuck I have been through!  Also I havent cared about a man or friends or family for years and for some reason I was attached to this man and his child.  He was one of those special people you just feel for and cant explain why.

For my situation my reactions were normal and the only reason the kids co sign his bullshit is becuz they are still at an age where rebelling against mom or structure is attractive.

Manipulative drunks and addicts do this to others so they can take the focus off thier own sh*t as well as squeeze some life out of someone for awhile and then have a convenient way out when its over.  Its the kid I feel bad about most. He told me he is used to people leaving them anyway..nice.

I will not do the blame game again. I had to go through that with the ex who found lots of women haters and other f*ck ups to support his idea that he was blameless and everything in the relationship was my fault. I saw that quick enough this time and got out sooner than later I guess.

Some 18 year old told me to take it inside when I told B. off..idiot.  I will not be told anything by some 18 year old.  She wouldn't last 5 min as a TI and if she had to deal with any of the expereinces of being from a tbmc survivor background she would know that true power is often veiled masked or hidden. Arrogant little bitch.
These kids understand violence readily and they really believe that this makes them tough.  You're a spoiled rotten bitch not an anarchist honey. She was surrounded by a little crew of boys..how cuuute.
These kids are often scary but being through what I have in life I sort of just amused by thier psychopathic  natures. Good for protection.  


Most people I dont care how tough they appear could never withstand what survivors of tbmc go through or even TI's for that matter.  Its a program of tailored psych warfare and its brutal and often deadly.  When you are younger its kept to low levels to keep you controlled and so you dont really notice the reality of your circumstances. Then when its time to get rid of the person the heat is turned up and they dont know what hit them, and a threat of a label is intimated heavily so disclosure will be discouraged.

What also intrigued me was how many people I met who seem like they might be young TI's and not know it or be talking about it.

One kid who was ok to me and not scary seemed to be a rich kid whos dad was abusive to the point of him having to cut contact to survive.  Often kids from wealthy families have little recourse as thier families are influential.
A friend of this crowd the other day said something interesting..that he seems to meet people who end up fucking him over. Yes this could be that his own personality or actions bring this on but I just wonder if its becuz he knows too much about how sick and f*cked up some very important people are in a certain profession.  Imagine if the worlds abused \wealthy kids gave testimony to how sick alot of professionals are and thier families etc. 
People in our society like the imagine that money makes for better people but through the years I have seen evidence against that. They get away with thier abuses more often that is all. And just like any other class thier are sick f*cks, jerks and decent people and all in between. Our society is delusional about money.  It makes a hard life easier, it does not fix life.

It is interesting how a break with my own life has made it so hard to understand the lives of young people today. I just never had the chance to follow along as changes came as society changed. 
It is comforting to know that there is still rebellious youth, obnoxious and apathetic or otherwise productive.

I can fade away a bit happier now a bit more satisfied.  Its such a nice contradiction to all the kids who were involved in the harassment in Boston who were outright cruel to me and obviously on the side of the oppressor.
Thier day will come...I hope squatter kids scare the shit out of them whenever possible.  Especially BU kids.
get  em...am I generalizing? It would be shocking to see I had sympathizers there at all, but its possible.

Its nice to meet helpful people but I still feel the break with my own life sharply and its not done yet. Not over.  

This is why there needs to be laws to give a TI some ways of defending themselves.  So any group cannot just destroy one person utilizing covert warfare.