I found someone here in the SW who looks half way decent and has the build I am looking for. He seemed to be cool and have a brain as well. Claims to be a singer. Whatever I just couldnt do alone and abstenent any more.
He was homeless but wouldnt stay in shelters. Being a TI one always has to wonder just how one runs into people.
Lots of ex's and very child like. But he has this big blonde guy punk rock thing going on which I need here becuz I realized that this is a man's city. The constant flow of men in pick up trucks trying to pick me up only stops when I am with a man so this place is impossible to function in just by its nature. Its an cultureles place ...its not Boston or NY. However the people I am meeting are truning out to be other east coast people.
This kid is a poser and I knew it the minute I picked him up. I knew he was going to be a pain in the as as well but..I need company right now. His spirit lifts me up if only for a temporary time.
However now that I have spent all my money on housing us somewhere temporary his brattiness is just out of hand. Full time mothering jobs dont turn me on especially with people who are ungrateful and manipulative. People take advantage of you I suppose when you dont want to be alone and becuz you ARE alone. I am not doing this trip again.
We are not going to play the same game as we did with the other ex (who resemlbes this kid a little). He has all kinds of friends and ex's here and I am alone. He is NOT going to take from me and then blame me as a way of avoiding the fact he is the fuck up or just as fucked. Its like this kid lives to make me feel bad.
Its very simple. I paid for a place to stay so you spend some time with me, lay me and then pay a bit of attention to me..then go out and do whatever the hell else you want. If you decide you dont want to do that anymore then fine but dont chip away at my confidence ( I need that) and make me feel bad.
The kid was telling me yesterday that his friends would laugh at him if he they saw me with him walking down the street. He cant stop talking about his ex's and now he is contacting them and hanging out with them and his friends at bars. Great, have a life while you stay with me but dont abuse and ignore me, make me feel insecure.
I reminded him I listen to metal and I am not a hippie but he said that they get along or some nonsense. He really loves this rockabilly thing he's into..great. Then why are you not staying with the friends you drink with? He said it was becuz he didnt want to deal with thier bs..OK.
Hes just a really bad manipulator. He acts like a girl to get his way...crying and getting me to council him about stuff and these sensitvities are a way out of him being a jack ass.
He also kept pointing out the other day that he goes out with short women usually...and today he said that I have this amazon thing going on and he feels the need to fight back..what fight? I travel on the road by myself and have had to tough it out. The other day there was difficulty finding a place and some people were misleading ..he starts to break down and I just start to turn to steel. You just sit there and go through it. I think what happened is that it challenged his manhood and he couldnt ace it, perhaps this made him insecure.
I dont have time for this shit. Why cant people jsut make little business deals and move on thier ways? Its such a waste of my time. NOW he seems to be leaning towards not even being sexual. I have gone through way more stress than him and I dont talk about my situation. I dont trust that he doesnt know who I am or isnt playing games on behalf of the perps..maybe he is just an impossible spoiled brat. I just need to be charged with the right kind of male energy right now to be kept alive or...keep going. I dont have time for the drama bs.
The thing is that he is safe as far as not being violent or stealing and he is fun to be around.
But him teasing me and making me insecure is the worst thing he could have done.
Also I think the perps are at him. The other day a woman who is red head and 'thick' came out of nowhere and said hi to him and said his name..I was in the bathroom and didnt see it. He said it was strange as he did not know her. Now random women are just giving him thier numbers on the bus, flirting with him etc. He is mentioning it like 'how is this happening?'. I can only guess if it is perp shit its to get him away from me onto other opportunities..thats if he himself is not playing games to begin with.
Dealing with musicians is very dangerous..they are social creatures and they will always blame any female for thier own shit..I learned this as it was part of the take down/bad PR back home. Really alot of them are spoilt manipulative little babies.
I suppose I could try to find a replacement..this isnt toy time romper room therapy session free ride time baby. Mama needs lovin'.
But I guess anything is better than being alone. This hippie called me that I was with once..totaly waste of time. There is no way I am calling him in for replacement...the new boy is funny though-he called me a hippie f*cker, he gets violent when he sees hippies. Its kinda one of his quircky charms.
Anyway..whats a TI to do? Its all so sketchy...you never know who yer dealing with.
You just start to think about how you shouldnt even be out here anyway, how you shouldnt even be travelling and that the whole situation is jsut ridiculous.
Funny how one woman could be so important..to destroy or to keep down. Just one lone female with not assets, no education, no..anything really.
The 'hippie' from before who just contacted me really pissed me off becuz he seems to know my story and referred to it by saying that I am jsut dragging this on and everything I lost is replacable..uh, perp alert! Plus he claimed to be from a drug family (a whole family) down in Florida. After spending one night with me magically he could go home, when for months he was sleeping in Harvard Sq.
How many of these people are just trying to get INTO or OUT OF something and they are just using hyou?
A Target is so isolated on purpose that you never know what is really transpiring.
Still one must press on. You must not forget you are targeted or that you need to keep going. You myust not forget that intel collection was abused or that law enforcement are corrupt and covering thier asses and for thier connections.
These moments of normalcy are only rest stops...the TRUTH can be hidden for a life time underneath whatever humans can find to live in denial of that Truth. That does not mean it doesnt exist.
To ruin someones life for what basically appears to be sport in the long run and to prove one capabilites is not going to go unpunished...as the victim you must ensure that it does not. There had to be motive behind destroying my life just as there is motivation behind anything humans do.
You'd have to have a pretty good reason to go this far with someone like me who is a nobody. The arrogant pricks who serve as potential handlers or serve to invalidate your situation and thus support the oppressor are pawns and you must ignore them completely. What they say are usually lies to support the aggressor. To insure a 'win' stays that way..who in the f*ck tells someone like me that everything is replacable? A rat thats who. It sounds like the bullshit cops in Boston trying to control me by saying " This is the way life goes you know"...nice try but your still full of shit and you are corrupt and selfish and arrogant and you that city has way more power than any one city should.
The clean up they did from the late 90's through 2005 or so was selective and total b*llshit. A bunch of a-holes retired to Florida and a few select useful idiots took falls..it was so bogus. F*ck Boston..I hope that city floods as soon as possible...
Anyway....I can only think of the great times that everyone I used to know is having and has been for years now. Every day of every year. Every minute of every day...I bet they dont sleep on floors. I bet they dont have to suffer idiots so they dont have to be alone. In fact, as one person told me, they probably dont 'think of me at all'....I never stop thinking of them, and never will. As long as I am alive...the truth wont die.
How arrogant must everyone be to side with the corrupt aggressor as well as think its a big joke that I was somehow used and then destroyed? This is the kind of shit they do..then they send idiots to tell you that it wasnt that bad-minimize the abuse.
They want you to forget, and they want you the victim to settle into some life where the haze of everything that happened clouds your daily life.
No one thinks that a totally corrupt f*ck over of someone like me matters or was wrong. The nation is f*cked and always will be. I am glad other countries hate us..they should. They see the culture for the cheap imitation of human life that it is..and culture.
One big abusive cult mind controlled family- America.
In other cultures I would have been taken care of or it wouldnt be half as hard as it is here..or I would have been killed which is preferable to this b*llshit...this anti climactic day to day b*llshit.
And I do mean that in more ways than one.
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