suicide programming 101

I feel the need to write this down not becuz it's going to help me, in fact it puts me in more danger, but I am being targeted still and can't stand it much longer. If anything happens at least there'll be some information perhaps to help someone else or just for people to know there was more to my death than just me being a screw up or suicidal crazy person.

And don't worry, something tells me in the future there wont be anymore of this nonsense. If there is one world government, why would people need couriers or any other kind of covert spies..the only problem would be the mind controlled sex slave programming. I cant see how people are going to convince the sick corrupt men (and women) who take part in indulging in this sort of perversion to stop. Perhaps it is just my wishful thinking that the world would be a better place and we should not suffer.

Firstly let me explain that the people who are into this trade really believe we are made for this kind of thing and our job is to serve them. That's why you have inter generational mind control. Its like the attitude towards slaves back in the plantation days here in the USA. The attitude seems to be that its really not doing us any harm. That we are bred or born of stock who can take the abuse or that that is simply our lot in life. If a mc survivor wants to wake up and have some sort of life using the abilities they were born with they should be able to. This is the worst sort of slavery becuz its covert and there will be no records in the history books, no acknowledgement of our plight. I, for whatever reason, as well as some other people seem to have survived and broke programming enough to discover what and who I am. The small handful of people who seemed to have survived is an indicator that most people do not realize what is happening to them and they simply....the desired ending seems to be jails institutions or death. Perhaps this is why a survivor gets 'gang stalked' more aggressively when they go into recovery. The 12 step programs are one of the activities that seems to help break programming.
Believe me, it helps to fight mind control all around. Just make sure you don't fall into the grip of mind control of the 12 step group.

This is what they don't want. You, the survivor, thinking too independently. USING the very things that are supposed to be used against you to your advantage.

If you look on many mind control survivor websites you will see that its a common occurrence for certain things to break peoples programming, recovery being one of them.


As you may know I am claiming to be a survivor of trauma based mind control programming.
Unlike some survivors I do not know who was utilizing me or who was responsible for programming me but I can basically tell that I was a courier of information and had sexual programming as well. I do not know of any other activities I may have taken part in...it would be interesting to find out.
I was definitely what is described as an expendable mind controlled slave.

I believe my compartments started to break down at the suiciding age anyway, mid 30's, but also another factor I believe is mold exposure and/or untreated infectious disease causing brain damage. Brain damage seems to be a factor in alot of mc survivors 'waking up'.

Personally I believe there is some tie to experimentation having to do with the fact that the CDC predicts infectious diseases will become the #1 health issue in the coming 20 years or less. As one can see from the patterns of flooding due to enviro changes, mold may become an even more widespread enviro hazard than it is now.
I have wondered if I am not part of an experiment to see how these coming changes in the future are going to affect people who are programmed in the populations of the earth.

It also seems there is some experimentation to see if programed persons can be deprogrammed and behavior modified, especially those with suicide programming.

You have all read about or heard on the news about sleepers and suicide bombers. The term sleepers directly admits to the existence of mind control programming and suicide bombers are probably programmed to perform such acts. Its all in the mind.
There are other clues in our society as well. On a cable tv station about animals years ago I was shocked and amused to hear them doing a story about attack dogs, k9 types, and how these animals had "compartmentalized minds" and this is how they can attack as well as be docile depending on what "trigger words" were used.

I guess humans dont want to believe they can be programmed or that that only happens in those other awful foreign countries. They do make the bombers out to be religious zealots which may be true but I am not concerned with world politics nor any other affairs. I am concerned in transferring info from what I have learned to you so you may survive, possibly. If you are a survivor of mc you will be blacklisted and hounded it seems for the rest of your life. Aww, they are just soooo pissed some of us beat suicide programming and didnt die when we were supposed to. These people's sense of privilege is appalling .

I have read there is big money in mind control slavery and I alone or anyone else is not going to stop that, not when it seems they can get away with it consistently.

I am sure that some idiot somewhere thinks the behavior modification thing is a great idea and much more humane. Its stupid and painful and I would have preferred a quicker death.
It seems there is some unwritten rule that is agreed upon that we cannot be killed outright.
I dont understand it, I really dont. It would be so much simpler for all involved but perhaps a trail of too many bodies would eventually lead to evidence..who knows?

I would have like to write my own book but I am targeted, harassed and watched so consistently just staying alive minute to minute is difficult. Its a lonely, awful life when you've been blacklisted.

My suicide programming experience:

There were layers. Three distinct command sequences, over time. I had to go through each one and fight like a bastard to not just go along mindlessly. This was back in 2003-2004 or 5. That whole period was terrible and ended my life in so many ways. Its all part of the plan anyway, and if you are continuously 'gang stalked'/ targeted then you are never able to really move on.

The first sequence I had to deal with was a memory I had been running over and over again in my mind since childhood...ever since I can remember. It seems other mc survivors experience this as well. I try not to read too much about other experiences, so I do not get influenced by thier stories. I was planning to read thier stories when I got mine down and got involved with a therapist but I am being blocked so badly, daily I am boxed in, stuck and basically not going to make it so this blog...at least it'll be down somewhere.

This memory resembles a movie like experience with a song attached. Music and images are veerrryy important to programming a child. The reason its so effective I believe is becuz at such a young age one has no points of reference for reality yet. Plus, they choose artistic, imaginative, intelligent children so thinking in the abstract is natural to the victim. This would explain why its inter generational, also I suspect there was at the time selective breeding involved, but I cannot be sure. I know that my maternal grandmother provides the quality of being highly verbal, good for courier work I assume.

It had been a constant PTSDing memory, if you will, but it was always rather small screen in look in my minds eye as I recall. But as 2003 came, something triggered this sequence...it became activated. My maternal grandfather died. That seemed to trigger something in my biological female parent..she changed, there was something darker about her. As if his death triggered something in her.
I recall a certain family member took me to a museum one day. I had been in my new place a year, the ex was stringing me along, I was vulnerable. This family member has had life long powerful influence on me. She acted like a total perp that day, making typical jealous, mind game playing comments towards me.
After she dropped me off I heard the song attached to this programming sequence really clearly and the 'movie' ran in my minds eye...it seemed much more in the forefront of my consciousness
than ever before. It was like I was sitting closer to the front row in a movie theatre now.
When this relative dropped me off, there was something sinister about her. Something was going to go down and I was warned by the guide that keeps me alive to watch out now.

Over the next year or so this sequence became more and more in my face really. Finally it became like I was in the very front row of the theatre and at a certain point, you begin to live the movie-kind of like you do in a real movie theatre.

Here goes: The song that was the trigger as well as the sequence of command was a song from when I was about 2 or 3 years old called Delta Dawn. I have done my research and it seems it was the Helen Reddy version specifically. However, in my programming it only repeats the chorus over and over again, and strangely in my programs version, the song says "castle in the sky" instead of "mansion in the sky". Here are the original lyrics:


Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on
Could it be a faded rose from days gone by
And did I hear you say he was a-meetin' you here today
To take you to his mansion in the sky-eye

She's forty-one and her daddy still calls 'er "baby"
All the folks 'round Brownsville say she's crazy'
Cause she walks downtown with her suitcase in her hand
Lookin' for a mysterious dark-haired man
In her younger days they called her Delta Dawn
Prettiest woman you ever laid eyes on
Then a man of low degree stood by her side
Promised her he'd take her for his bride

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on
Could it be a faded rose from days gone by
And did I hear you say he was a-meetin' you here today
To take you to his mansion in the sky-eye

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on
Could it be a faded rose from days gone by
And did I hear you say he was a-meetin' you here today
To take you to his mansion in the sky-eye

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on
Could it be a faded rose from days gone by
And did I hear you say he was a-meetin' you here today
To take you to his mansion in the sky-eye

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on
Could it be a faded rose from days gone by
And did I hear you say he was a-meetin' you here today
To take you to his mansion in the sky-eye---------------


My programming version:

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on
Could it be a faded rose from days gone by
And did I hear you say he was a-meetin' you here today
To take you to his castle in the sky
(repeat...ad nauseum)

With this song comes a movie. It is so vivid and clear it is amazing.
There was (I say was becuz this 'file' is cached now..its not active. I can replay it with out having to relive it-it has no power over me. ) a woman....let me start by describing just where I believe the images came from. Its going to be embarassing and the perps are going to make fun of me even more, plus those idiot wonders in our society who, becuz they are uninitiated (ignorant) like to call everything crazy or just cant think outside thier reality the way its defined-

go read something else, this is for other survivors.

Anyway, after getting out of this sequence I decided to try to figure where the images came from. It seems the characters as well as the backround were taken from a torturously boring show when I was little called The Lawrence Welk Show. It was the kind of thing seriously straight people in the 60's and 70's would run to to hide from the counter culture-good clean American entertainment. Yet, its heavily connected to a certain chilren's entertainment empire that has been associated with mind control for years. (I was exposed to alot of that too but only choice stuff. )
If you watch this show from this era for a while you will begin to see alot of hypnotizing tactics but that was also the style of the psychadelic era they were trying to slightly incorporate onto the show. Strangely, this show has made a comeback on PBS in the last years. I saw it in St. Louis months ago. It freaked me out a little. I couldn't watch it for long. I always noticed the women on the show were exceedingly pretty and......if yer a mc survivor watch a few episodes and see what you think.

Delta Dawn, in my programming movie was a beautiful blonde woman who is on a stage in a frilly country type dress.
The stage is taken from the Lawrence Welk Show.
She is wearing a white rose pinned to her.
I see her singing the song at certain times in the movie's running.
The feelings that go along with this sequence were that she is very very sad. deadly sadness. She is zombie-like, robotic. She is more dead than alive. She never was alive.
To the right floating above the stage is a man with slightly long, straight dark hair and a beard and moustache of a stocky-like build. He is in the 'castle in the sky'-there is a pink cloud around this place he resides(remember death has to be attractive to the victim). All Delta Dawn has to do is take one or two steps up and take his hand and she is in the castle in the sky with him.
She becomes alive, living now. She never was alive on earth.
For years, ever since I was a little girl, this man in this sequence had the assignment of being my 'Husband' and no other man anywhere could compete.

As I write this I have been nauseated, and feel like I am going to die right here at this computer. My whole body is suffering. Its like an all out assault on my nerves..I am getting a headache.
How is this my fault- for telling? The gangstalking and targeting are forcing me to do this. I am compelled. Dont f*cking blame me a-holes. Yer the stupid f*cks who want to program people without them knowing the deal. How stupid is this? MIND CONTROL PROJETS MUST STOP.
Now I have to feel guilty that I 'told' on my own kind-i dont even know who or what the f*ck that is? I dont understand who the players are or what is going on.
I know one thing...suicide programming is a form of protection. If you choose to go for freedom and truth you will suffer and no one will be there to help you or protect you after you tell.
It feels like the activities around me and connected to this concern some party(s) trying to find out what I am made of our what my programming is about. They will torture you and fuck with you until you spill everything. Why? why is this soooo important? Surely the info in my files is so old it isnt importatn, also its been 'wiped' (another fun story-fucking horrible).
I wish I had never fought. I should have peacefully accepted the easy way out and died pure and untouched by corruption and the horrid reality of this world.
Why would certain factions be so interested it seems mostly in my programming set up?

It seems like certain factions are interested in the info put there by other factions but it seems like its all this country. Dont they all share info? I just dont understand any of this.
I am tired of having to keep working. I am tired and thought I was going to have a life for myself if I fought and tried to stay alive and be healthy. It doesnt pay, does it? Now I know why ceratin individuals tried to get me labled..they thought it would keep me safe.
Well, you have no idea who yer dealing with. These f*ckers are nasty. Absolutley. You will have no life of yer own and they will ruin everything for you. How could people around me actually trust this system? Do you honestly believe these sadistic f*cks would leave a victim alone, ever?

My family have come up with some really irresponsible even dangerous, damaging and unhealthy suggestions for me over the years but this takes the cake. I have heard other targets say that if you take on a label and even take meds, they still keep up the harassment.
And why would I take an unsure bet to be 'safe' anyway? After years of sufffering and being denied my birthright as an artist, a beauty and a brainiac I want Revenge.....I will take a bet on that. Its all that matters. Truth is all. Besides, the way I am targeted you can also bet on me death real fuckin soon. Like I was supposed to live this long anyway.

WAIT....its like water boarding isnt it? they want confessions and info..make the person feel like they are going to die anyway and they will talk. SEE MY NEXT ENRTY FOR INFO ON A WATER BOARDING TYPE TACTIC THEY DID TO ME VIA TECH AND A HELICOPTER.

amend:(Sorry for rant but i went thru something as i went thru the sequence.)

The rose on Delta dawn becomes alive and new once she is up in the castle.

Simultaneously I, the subject am delta dawn, as well as the woman who was 'borrowed' from the tv show I jsut mentioned to act out her part. its supposed to be 'me' and i was to mindlessly obey this command.
The song is very sad and suggesting.

One must understand the lifelong targeting a mc victim is subjected to. Its like being gangstalked but its not really overt. Its like being 'handled' by stangers alot. People are mean and rude to you, you are consistently mistreated and picked on and yer family of origin and especially yer foster home family make sure you are isolated from other children or only allowed to have very controlled visits or activities. Medical people were often mean to me or downright negligent. There is often the uneccisary administration of pain by medical staff (torture) and its obviuos becuz if you react or ask what is going on they will tell you that you are scaring th other children-as an adult they will do the EXACT SAME TACTIC and then if you react to the pain uncontrollably they will say 'we have other patients here' in a nasty way. Once you know what is happening, you can tell the satanic type looking perp a-holes who do this shit to a victim. \

The whole purpose of this life long restraint is to 1) keep the slave down 2) to keep pain levels up to continue compartmentalization thru trauma and being able to 'take' pain at all times 3) most sinister is that it keeps a nice big compartmentalized area of nasty pain in the victim's emotional center. This pain is energy and lets describe the compartment its in as a gas tank. Its time to go thru suicide programming: The victim will commit suicide mindlessly on command becuz the pain in the 'gas tank' will 'fuel' the act of commiting suicide. And as you can see suicide is marketed to the suffering victim as a pleasurable vacation compared to life on earth, which the people in the handling network make sure is painful on a daily basis for the waking personality, much less the memories that are compartmentalized.
You are miserable, earthly life sucks, come home come join 'God', your husband in the castle in the sky. You are not alive on earth anyway, come alive after you die.

its all such a horrible bunch of bullshit goods they sell you isnt it? Yet, the perps do make sure your earthly life is miserable no matter what you do anyway.

Years of pain and suffering make up the pain in the emotional center that somehow the victim has no direct access to but its felt. you are tricked into ending your own pain and suffering in the most pleasurable innocent manner. Its akin to a tv ad for a product you really believe in....it has been promised to help you. Actually there are no thoughts connected to free will involved.
Its simply time to go.
This seqence of commands was a 30+ years old post hypnotic suggestion. The human mund is amazing.

Actually it is sort of soothing like being injected with a drug. I often try to replay it when I am being targeted hard or harassed becuz i figure maybe I can go back and end it all in a manner that is more pleasant than the manner that is being asked of me now. Fully awake and aware of being denied any kind of life suicide is undesirable but often it seems there is no other way to get away from being targeted. I refuse to live this way thats for sure.

The reason I could fight this sequence is becuz I had done research on mind control over the years and had been alerted to suicide programming. Also this command is old and the world has changed. TV has changed, computers have been introduced. A tactic this innocent is not going to work nowadays. Also, a man of this plane had shown me real love and affection and he was a hell of alot better than a stranger who has run my life from the shadows of my mind for 30 years. Perhaps there are other factors I am not aware of that helped me.

Maybe this is why its important to keep me away from the arts, alot of my programming might be broken if I became a master of my own mind and not the programmers via programming, which uses alot of sound music and movie-type sequences.

OK....i beat that.

I am going to make the second layer another post this is too much for anyone to read.

I am afraid to post this. It doesnt matter, the general attitude is to jsut ignore me. I am totally blacklisted and have no life.
Basically i am providing free info to everyone who wants it and its becuz i am being held against my will by the gangstalking system. This mus tbe why that AZ perp told me I was only allowed to grow very conditionally- like a veal i guess. Hasnt that been the only way i have been allowed to live my life anywya?
I have seen other victims of my status and they do not fare well. People use them all thier lives and after they wake up people simply use them for info and then they are still lewft out in the cold.
Nobody cares. And the perps dont stop harassing you.

Today I got off the 62 bus at Alewife. Just waiting there was a guy in a T jacket like he was an employee. I had sunglasses on but still he looked right at me, mocked me with a raising of eybrows and a come on look-u know the 'we know all yer secrets' crap' i did not react but i was quick enough to make sure I immediatley went back and the next look on his face was a look of pure perp satisfaction while looking into the eyes of the MBTA employee who was actually driving the 62 bus. The perp did not know I saw him.

What was interesting about this, I re-enacted it with me as him to get inside his pea brain, is that it seems to indicate once again satisfaction only being derived from 'the group' and connection to 'the group'. He perped me but he had to get approval and acknowledgment from an- Other.

These people take great satisfaction in the power they percieve they derive from harassing or 'faking out'(yer gonna fake ME out? give it up ) a Target . Especailly a Targeted female it seems.
Yet they are only allowed to operate with permission from a corrupt sytem of enslavement which utilizes thier services/actions for its own benefit.
Thier power is pure illusion becuz they are not really hiding, nor are they well hidden. They carry the illusion that they are hidden. Thier power is derived soley from the ongoing illusion that they are hidden and protected from harm.

Take away this simple condition and they are completly helpless as well as powerless and vulnerable.

Its all about Privacy. They percieve they have it, the Target does not.














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