dying while alive

i still am around some perps i shouldnt be. some for good reasons but some are nasty and damaging. what are the alternatives?
there is no logans run, there is no promise land.
There is never going to be a place we can be free to practice our art without interference.
I mean deprogrammed persons like me. Some people seem to have finances and thats great but i am literally dirt poor and i cannot get up off the ground. not while trying to work on mind control issues...how can you trust the conferences, advocacy groups and other survivors anyway?

There is only what i am being terrorized into daily.

and there is one perp in my life who is obvious but still hurtful. I ahve nothing else.

there is a survivor named Barbra Hartwell. Her situation seems to be similar to mine.
She seemed to be the least successful of the survivors i veiwed on the original 1998 video tape of that program (on youtube) where theres like 3 notable survivors and others. I am not even going to go into that area. I dont have the energy but seeing the players in person might help me make up my mind about alot of things. I already know it..i dont trust it.

actually there is one survivor who is of note who wrote a book who isnt there. all these people over time seemed to come to mistrust each other and fall into cliques. They give conflicting opinions and info...i am not dealing with another 'spot the operative' game again.

I had to go thru that in the gangstalking forums and i lost a digit becuz of ignorance of the game. I cannot draw or write. (happy now all you jealous greedy fucks out there? it isnt hard to terorize someone under such tight control-you guys are all cowards. i hope someday you play with someone or something that isnt so easily handled and it blows right up in your faces....something catastophic. I hope you dont even get a chance to think before it does in a huge number of you who like to play with dangerous toys....You Suck. All of you. you are all control freaks with your own fucking issues u should be dealing with. yer lazy and mostly all still under mind control, i have seen these assholes who think they are in on the operation of handling someone like me across the country )

anyway i would prob find the same formula. and in order to find the true solution and real answer i would need alot of investigative resources. I would need to see bank statments records, talk to associations very old to recent-the whole run down. Who says these people are who they say they are?
I am sick of fuckin playin with people. Get some real, respectable down to earth people who can form a cohesive unit that can at least come close to being anything resembling 'official' when it comes to the subject of mind control survivors or get the fuck away from me... just another Gerry springer scene. Is anyone else sick of being unsure of anythign? of always feeling 'down the rabbit whole'?
Obviously, we are fucked...anyone who is on my level is screwed. I dont know what 'level' that is but other survivors seem aolt better off. Strangley, B. Hartwell has had the hardest time, though i do not knowthe full story. But its interesting that people on vaious threads (live onversations via internet posts) seem to put this woman down almost immediatley. Its good some are there to defend her but she seems targeted even as an out survivor..people will rip her apart on posts..that she doesnt have evidence that she is difficult or whatever. If her story is tru maybe she cant 'tell' or maybve she's beat and tired or maybe she's targeted to get rid of her..it sounds like she had the worst sort of 'gangstalking' going on. She' a trauma victim, give me a break with being down on her all the time. its perp shit thats all.

On the other hand on must consider thats her role to play and she isnt really who she says etc etc. I cant say becuz i dont know enough about that whole scene..alot of these people have gone quiet or they are being more professional about the subject.

I suspect maybe...this is a possibility anyway, that this whole 'come out and tell us yer mc story' migh have been to smoke out other survivors. The whole trend in the 90's was 'finally the 60's is coming to the system! come out have no shame! heal! tell yer story of being molested that yer an addict and need recovery! Recover!" Well, i haver noticed targeting now being BASED on all those and other sorts of admissions. Great, they set us all up.
I have heard claims that a ceratin person i know who tried to get in on the class action lawsuit for radiation experimentaion in the 90's was immediatley followed so they allegedly dropped hte case. Another 'smoke out' campaign?

Also, i notice she looks alot like my mother when younger. I wonder if its that this family line is simply more volitile or less valuable to the handlers, therefor-bye bye B. Hartwell, bye bye to me as well-according to her she is unwilling to cooperate as am i. My mother is cooperating however
(obviously). Just more possible clues..no answers. i thought about showing up in Maine to ask for her and judge for myself but you know what? who cares? She has stopped blogging so she's either done her job or if she's genuine she's done with the bullsh*t and i cant say i blame her.

The description of her targeting sounds similar to mine.

The one perp i am still with has some really nasty excuses for everyone's behavior.
He keeps showing me art books that contain the most depressing stuff, like people who look like they are in what he desribes as 'pergatory'..then quickly, he will say 'when your allowed to partake in the world less and less' and then
'that is what happens when you get more and more removed from the world, in your house thinking your God' somthign to that effect.

He also likes to expose me to a poet artist who he keeps pointing out he cant stand becuz he is full of himself and is high in himself.
He will sneakily make fun on tod rungren's cd becuz he's aloner who plays all his own instruments on some album he made.
He also has pointed out paintings in this book and others where a fugure looking into a mirror has a skull behind it and vanity equals death.

Needles to say this is depressing me whats more depressing is that in this whole world he is my only real solid contact.
I do get some support but moreso i get more insight into what excuses these people make for invading my privacy in my own home at 335 washington street which i guessed some time ago.

They must've known they were observing deprogramming..
A clue is that if he knows about the fear that certain persons most likely had of me becoming too psychically powerful or charged as i 'woke up' or awakened out of being compartmentalized
(his statement intimating about becoming too removed and thinking yer God) then he must know the....actually , some shits in NY tried to push the idea of a mule. (a person who is psychically powerful who appears out of nowhere in popluation). This is bull and i know it.
Either this guy is talking out os mind control himself, he is mistaken and he thinks i am just this scary person who exhibited power, or he knows about programming. None of it is valid.

*If your computer starts malfunctioning , it needs reprogramming. Go to it and insult it...tell it mean things about what happened to it as glitches appeared in its functioning. Insult its attempts to fix itself that were inconvenient or scary to you...yeah, THAT is logical and productive. That'll get it fixed. AND I AM GOING TO BE JUST AS RECEPTIVE AS THAT COMPUTER TO THIS SORT OF NONSENSE....becuz it doesnt make any sense.

So i can see the decision was made to reprgramm me the way that they did in the old days which is to brak the computer down with a too many problems and a chess game that is suicide (look up suicide chess, its interesting) or a question that is illogical or has no answer.

I still dont understand why it could not be done be simply rearranging the system that was there.
i knew what i needed.

the problem here is we are dealing with logical apes. a deadly creature who needs, like a vampire to get sexual and aggression energy off of someone else as well as put theirs on others.

We are dealing with creatures who need to be healed but we live in such a mess of a society that getting healed is not a desire we can acknowlegdge consously. So we steal and rob from the healer. We tie her down and murder..this is the place we live. She must give (people and places who take from the healer) and not replenish or recharge herslef( the oppressive system of targetign and gangstalking to keep you 'down') so that others might live ( everyone gains)
she is treated as a battery cell that is thrown away when it is empty(death of the psychic/healer)...a sure sign of our 'throw away' society.
I cant tell you how many angry fucked up people are attractd to me. Yes its gangstalking but all the participants are suffering on purpose.
in an IDEAL situation, i would recharge and keep expending energy and the needy or hurting would find thier own center of healing..etc.

This is not allowed inour society...other that aaaalllll the other reasons i am being murdered by being targeted that is the ultimate reason. Their rationales of info at risk or energy being misused by others...the real reason fits the solution they have chosen for me-burn out, go dim and do not produce any more energy. This is the way i am to live.

its disgusting isnt it? no one is going to tell me how to rule my 'kingdom' get it? i am not a god(duh) but i certainly shouod be in charge of my own internal world, body and mind.
I will get them for this if is the last thing i do. What right do they ahve to decide for me?

Especially when i had such a good plan...nice and balanced.
I will NOT live on a planet where my status is below every other human being. Thats how i am treated...the doormat of hte world. and there doesnt seem to be any help or way out. Its like some sort of invasion adn now they want to have an occupation after victory.

whats interesting about the perp comments is there was a peice i read posted by another target, i cant recall now adn i aint gonna go lookin but it said that there were comments made about some sort of personal hell or pergatory for those Republicans who didnt go along with thier plans..i'll have to find it again. All i know is the intimation is that you are dead and isolated which is like what transpires when you are targeted.

Those no cure for it anyway..the network will never run out of sick people who need to lord it over someone else. it will never run out of people who will abuse someone or stalk someone. There is no way to stop it- how? if you were in the majority you'd be targeted for trying to interfere. If you were in the majority you'd be getting rid of the very system that keeps order. and its a business many people depend on for money or to get out their impulses that society would think is sick otherwise. It might also ultimately be the network of perverts covering thier asses people claim that it is. I know you get targeted if yer a victim or know too much. its a virtual jail and its made to destroy human beings thats all..but to bring it to a level of entertainment is wrong.

I will never give up and give in to the wrong and disinfo 'offiicail' version of events surrounding me and others in my life. I am sure i am supposed to, on top of all teh othe insults, take to the fall guy role willingly. I wont.

That is what they are doing. i suppose i am supposed to ignore facts, and take to the idea that i deserve to be a high profile hate object becuz i di this and taht bla bla ...

ahh to be programmed. see, i dont have to give in to that kind of pressure....all the idiots have done is enacted a chess game that wont end. I'll be dead maybe. i am sure thta i teh desired end result..these people are cruel and remeber that comment in MO at the coffe shop.
basically get rid of her she's old.

Am i like a cyborg or something and dont know it? No..no its jsut a very efficient system of making sure you are surounded 24/7 mostly by the assholes of the world and no one decent so that you start to squirm and go crazy and react.
If this were to be aproached legally i am sure you coul come up with kid napping, hostage taking, consiracy to commit murder, manslaughter for some perps , mental duress, pain suffering...etc. it definetly has brought harm to me as a human being. It has caused me to take risks i wouldnt have taken, financila loss (which of course i got perped out of paperwork i had gathered-there is still a way.)
i cannot beleieve this is such a problem that cannot be solved. no target hs ever said it ends however. the may leave you alone after a while but you 'll never get restitution, never get yer life bakc, never get yer health back.....

the more i hang around the more i suffer. living under thier strict conditions is too much suffering. i have all these ruined buildings inside..all this mess from thier 'bombings' of my internal structures (programming) there is no way i can create a life with that much damage.

how an i supposed to forget about damage to the system if i have to scan my own system (as is the prodedure) and the damage is overwhelming. damage from what they have done to me activley and damage from neglecting my health(thier actions influenced the decision to neglect)

ahh, thier magic little pills they keep trying to get me to ingest. do you know how many perps keep pushing and have pushed anti depressants or a small dose of anti whatever for 'being all over the place in conversation sometimes"(flooding-natural in deprogramming).

Why, so i can be targeted some more and take it well this time? oh, yay!

Really this is to hide the brain damage they purposely inflict so the mc survivor loses memories adn info along with i'm sure they are hoping.

The ship is sinking and i am not jumping like an ass*hole people.
You are on the Titanic:
finish what you have to, then go down to the bar..there werent enough life boats and the band has decided to stay on. sit down, have a drink and do what humans should do in situaions like this. Enjoy the time you have left as you would have lived yer life.

I will NOT live my life on a life boat when I could have had a whole ship.

Go to Hell.

Oh and i will keep writing until i am done. I have perps intimating sometimes that people shouldnt talk about killing thmselves they sould just do it. Nice crowd that hangs around me everyday huh? sometimes wether i know it or not.

When yo uprovide the internet to the public yes you give a better chance of survivla to targets but the you give the perps a better chance as well. and spy eqiupment, that right there should cause alarm..that its readily available to the public.
video's should be like bullets froma gun. identified by something that says what camera it came out of and tied to a possible owner.
Anything posted on the internet should have to be registered etc. there should be a detector available to the public that tells wharn any filming is going on.

People should start suing becuz its the constant presence of cameras everywhere that is hightening htier anxiety..
better yet perhaps you, reading this, should internalize the threat -the intimidation that is being presented every time I post. Everytime my spelling is off, when its obvious how weak i am getting, how tired how damaged. How much more closer to ruin or outright death.

Be afraid this could happen to you, be afraid becuz Rachel got made an example of..be afraid, do what yer told go along with the crowd always side with the Police, Fire, criminal and politician or men of power in business. Dont argue with the rich kids take thier crap and suck up to them.
Let them define you, dont fight, dont argue..
beucz you may get targeted. Dont 'make waves'...

"row row row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily merrily merrily
life is but a dream" Right?

Actaully you are now a victim of mind control. That is a very common song it was used on , i should say IN me and other survivors. It means
'take the abuse, keep ignoring it (compartmentalizing) becuz its not really happening anyway ( life is but a dream remember) and row your boat down the stream..it will end and so will you and dont ask when. Just keep rowing.

Make some Fuckin waves you assholes.